Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Friday, December 18, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Tuesday, December 08, 2009
Saturday, December 05, 2009
Friday, December 04, 2009
Thursday, December 03, 2009
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
- Justin reminds me of 'Afternoon Delight'
- I'm not being narcissist - Casey and his bro are better singers/players/funnier than me hence they do the tougher harmonizing ( which I not so secretly want to learn )
- No idea why it's Casey, his bro and me.
- No idea why I'm doing this at this hour.
- No one left yet.
- Matej, Kelsey, Agata, Karolina laughs real hard and looks like they were really enjoying the show. :) They think we're sexy. hahaha.
- Matej keeps yelling, " Oh My Gawd!"
- Crazy Celia is laughing at how dumb we looked. Seriously woman.
- Julie, Sharen, Evelyn, Yumi, Jana gets totally swooned over by Casey's bro.
- Sigrid is so proud of Casey she could've cried.
- Ann, Joe, Rita, J.P, Mara looks on with pride.
- I can see Sarah, Nick and Orval probably rolling their eyes at how dumb we looked. Then Sarah laughs. ( I can literally hear it. )
- Becky and Juliann doesn't understand the lyrics but they love the spirit. They were laughing too. Not too heartedly though.
- Now I cannot stop thinking of how I sang the song loudly in front of Kelsey. WITH ALL THE WRONG LYRICS! I think I was screaming, " Fly Robinsons fly! " ( with tons of gusto! ) for like a million times until she went, " ermmm, I think you're singing it wrong. " ZOMG!
- I will stage the perfect show one day and show the people downstairs that I'm better off without them.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Sometimes I wonder if she puts down all my dreams just to hold me back.
Why can't she show me half the support she shows them.
Why does she always give me the false belief that she cares?
How the stickers for his bike are more important than me being late for work ( which is a result of her false information ) I can never understand.
Why I always need that affirmation from her I can never understand either.
I want so much to leave and abandon the life as I know it.
I want so much to have a clean slate so nobody is there to judge.
I want to be able to laugh at this ridiculous affection.
I want to be with my rolling rocks, marlboro and ranger boyfriend right now.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Sunday, November 08, 2009
Thursday, November 05, 2009
Monday, November 02, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?
Monday, October 26, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Have you ever given your trust completely to a person. Even though he or she has failed you time and time again. Only to see history repeat itself?
Have you ever given your all into something, only to be met with confusion and more questions?
Have you ever felt like your mind was operating in a fixated mode? Where other opinions were inpenetrable only to realize that everything was wrong to begin with?
Have you ever felt like a fool?
Conviction. That's a fool's journey.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
A fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go.
So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.
It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right,
I hope you had the time of your life.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Julie's a Taiwanese girl I met over at Old Faithful. Apart from her very mature disposition, perhaps the coolest thing about Julie is that she's living the life I want.. and finding no problem with that.
I really admire Julie's determination and how she's in control of her life. She has a degree in Psychology; she's applying for grad school in America and guess what, she's into community service as well. All without the 100% support from her family. Once, I asked her how she was able to convince her parents to let her do it. And her response was, " This is my life and I know what I want. I will not let anyone stop me from achieving what I want because if I do, they will all become excuses for me to be lazy. "
Then she smiled.
I can still remember that look in her eyes.
Somehow, that look sparked up that fire again. And it reminded me of how much satisfaction I've gotten out of the Chiang Mai and Nanjing trip. Pudong wasn't a bad trip, except, I still feel like the whole 'power-struggle' thing and the responsibility of making sure everyone was safe and enjoying themselves etc eroded the whole meaning of that trip, at least for me. In a way, I failed in bringing out that, " make others happy and you will be happy " sentiment in the team.
So anyway, Julie wants to serve in Africa before she goes back to the states to study. And she has been going all out in finding the right organization. She has finally found it and she has asked me to join her - But it costs over 3000 USD to participate in that program. I wish I had that kind of money.
Come to think of it, she's probably the only person I know who feels the same way about undertaking a project like this. And you know the beauty of it all? It's how much more satisfying a trip like this would be when we are just mere participants.
Julie's like a reminder from somewhere up there, to stop finding excuses, and start materializing my words.
It's time to step out of my comfort zone once more.
Well, if you want to sing out,
And if you want to be free,
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Alvin recently got himself a motorcycle.. secretly.
Mother's been preaching to us since we were young on how she will never let her children ride a bike.
So i became the relay person.. each asking me to convince the other party.
Eventually, mother blamed it on me.. over and over again. She either insinuated that I encouraged him to buy it or directly told me how i haven't stopped him.
I hated that tone in her voice.
Truth is, I never knew he was taking lessons much less owning a bike until hours before the bike came. And fuck it, I was goddamn worried myself.
Then grandma and sui ku fought last night. She apparantly wants to disown him for not being there when the aircon man came to install a new unit. She was trembling so bad with anger last night. At one point, I was pretty sure she was at the brink of bursting into tears.
But mum ran away. She came back home, leaving me there alone to let grandma yell at.
And when I saw her, surprise surprise.. she blamed me for going to the gym and not being at home to help grandma.
I really hated that tone in her voice.
And guess what,
1) I never knew they bought an aircon.
2) Grandma was the one who nagged at me the whole morning to go to the gym because i was getting fat.
Seriously, I've never seen a more hypocritical group of people before.
I mean, maybe it's worst out there in the working world. But this is a family for crying out loud. A family who's too blinded by favourtism and their own egos.
Since that first and last fight i've had with mother after I came back, I've been taking the backseat when it comes to anything with this family. And I loved it. I love how I've found the perfect place to stay away from them all. And I don't even have to lie. I just have to do stuff to keep me healthy. It's a win-win situation!
And by taking the silent role, I hear almost every gossip about one another. And it's like.. in front of each another, they say one thing. Behind their backs, another. OMG. This is not a work place - this is a bloody family.
Except for favourtism, I can find no other reason why everyone's stepping on each other.
Even my mum!
Hell, I still don't understand why she makes such a big issue about me wanting to leave. I mean, she complains to random stranger on how she's still trying to convince me to stay... when i'm standing right there! I was referred to the third person when I was listening to it. How stupid did she take me?
But she told Alvin that she thinks it's better for her if I leave.
Alright.. then please stop pulling that pity card on me. And stop planning our future together.
I really don't get you, woman.
And Alex tells Alvin that the whole bike thing is cool. But tells mother that Alvin's always behaving so irresponsibly.
Sui ku tells us how Sui Kim's a crazy woman. But he always hides behind her when he's in trouble.. and she never once turned him down.
OMG. too much politics!
I want out. out out out.
paper faces on parade.
Hide your face so the world will never find you.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Hear it, feel it secretly poseess you.
Open up you mind let your fantasies unwind -
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight.
The darkness of the music of the night.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Thursday, October 08, 2009
Jumping up after being blanked out by the amount of drinks we had, taking a OR more than a second to re-orientate and to recall what just happened.And last but not least, realizing that "today's the day".
The moment my head started to clear, I could hear the everyday sounds that were masked out by the day. The aircon was buzzing, the clock was ticking, Joe and Matej were snoring.
Apart from hearing stuff, I could feel it too - the air was cold, the floor was hard and my head was still slightly spinning.
There was a kind of fear within - I guess that's what the fear of losing felt like.
Decided thereafter to take a hike; to go out and get some fresh air.
But as soon as I set foot out of the room, I felt the reluctance to leave.
It was, afterall, the last night to be.. around.
One of a sample interview question went, " what's the hardest decision to make? "
I guess it would probably be choosing between what you need to do and what you want to do; choosing between following your conscience and following your heart - especially when both are contridicting each other.
Did manage to head out eventually, after maybe 1 glance... 2 glances.. no, probably 3 glances back into the dark darrkk room.
It was cold out. REAL cold. Only halfway down the stairs and I was already tempted to turn back.
But somehow, my legs were deciding that night. Went for a walk along the streets, round a turn, round another turn and through a path before I reached the stairway again. Come to think of it, I must be real brave to do that at 4am!
The walk didn't work.
I still felt like shit.
And when I opened the door to return,
the queasyness returned.
This time for an entirely different reason though.
It was nice to see everyone asleep and in some ways, enjoying their night.
It sucked to remember that that was the last night time image i was going to have.
Two conflicting emotions - how do you choose?
So why am I bringing this up at 3am, the night before a major interview?
I was on my bed trying real hard to zzz..
Yet all I can hear is the clock ticking, the aircon buzzing, fan whirling and mother, snoring.
I don't like this feeling.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Makes me wonder how I was able to speed past those words in the past.
Anyways, I've been having weird pangs of emotions tonight. Amongst them all, the more frequent ones were guilt, stupidity and in-filialty. Suddenly feel like a useless prick who has spent the past 22 years doing absolutely nothing meaningful at all. I'm really too protected here. Can't even break free without having to have to fight between what I want and what my conscience says.
I'm pretty sure this is due to the upcoming interview though. It's the exact same fear I have before every major paper. And the thing is I don't understand why i should feel that way.
There were pressure from exams because I can't afford to repeat any modules but this - I mean, there's no immediate threat to anything if i screw this up. Yet, I can't screw it.
Always have problems dealing with stress like this.
Wish I could be as brave as Mara.
If you can't catch a wave,
then you're never gonna ride it.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
I haven't forgotten about today.
She's definitely much older and weaker than I last remembered. Her steps grew slower and slower as the walk to the bus stop proceeded and her grip and my shoulder were like a mixture - hard because she needs the support; weak because she didn't have the strength to hold it for too long.
This short lunch with grandma made me feel like a complete asshole.
It made me wonder if opening my eyes meant becoming more selfish.
Throughout that short walk, I had to constantly remind and force myself to slow down to match her pace. In the past, it just happened naturally. Serving her was a natural instinct, a natural responsibility. Now, however, I have to be reminded. And that's not good.
Before i left for the states, i used to come home and stomp over to her place to greet her - no matter how much i dreaded it. but now, i can't even be bothered to smile at her. i used to spend a long time at her place after meals to talk to her, to give her her pills or to at least hear her complain a bit. but all i do now is spend 10 minutes eating the food and quickly washing the dishes before i leave.
and i put no effort in hiding how eager i am to leave.
All i do now is return to my room and keep myself occupied with rearranging and packing the place up. i'm pretty sure a large part to why i'm putting so much effort in revamping the room is because i cant be bothered to face anyone in this home.
Why can't I just be more patient with everyone? i obviously realize how lonely she is. yet, a huge part of me don want to.
Everytime i feel guilty, a voice in me would remind me of how everyone will make use of this weakness to send me on guilt trips. EVERYONE seems to know it. can't they see she's lonely? why must i be the one to bend? coz i'm a girl?
these are exactly what i hear everytime i hesistate in walking away.
sadly, i really love spending time on my own. sometimes, i really want to do more, to care more. but the thought of how instead of appreciating the effort, people either use it to benefit themselves or think i have an ulterior motive or simply doubt me makes me boiling mad and confused all over again.
grandma won't appreciate them. she will ask for more. mum will say she appreiciates them.. but that's after i storm off.. AFTER she criticizes almost everything i've done. and the sad part is most of these criticisms are on petty things like the direction of the hanger. -_-' Alex just thinks he's the boss. Alvin's the best because he does nothing but plays his playstation. but i like him because at least he does his part and he shows his appreciation.
you see, such things are reciprocal. or at least to me they are.
i know it's tough on mother as well. afterall, she's treated like a slave by both her mum and her children. and i do want to help her. but why should i? my brothers are locking themselves in their room after meal. as for me, i still have to face her every bloody night. and it's human nature that she'ld wanna make use of me to earn some freedom for herself. but i know them - this will grow to be habit to both the old ladies. on top of that, i get blamed for EVERYTHING.
can u believe my uncle is still passing snide remarks everytime i walk pass him? " why do u wanna be a social worker? "; " you wanna be a social worker right? make my son/daughter study "; " spend more time with ah ma la. social worker mah ". i don think he means it really badly..but it sucks when no one in your family supports you. when will this stigma end?
it's really stiffling here.
but at the same time,
i cannot help but realize how selfish i am.
What do you do when you want to fulfil two inversely correlated responsibilities?
I really should start counting my blessings. Imagine a kid without parents. I'm already very lucky.
It'll be fine,
nothing to fear.
She will be happy as she was here.
Things have worked out much better than planned.
It makes you smile when fate takes a hand.
And I know I'll forget,
how much she meant to me.
and how she was almost my baby,
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Because you're hoping you're wrong.
and everytime she does something that tells you she's no good,
you ignore it.
and everytime she comes through and surprises you,
she wins you over.
and you lost that argument with yourself that she's not for you.
Monday, September 21, 2009
" Tomorrow you're not going out? Ok, good. So wake up at 8 am, 9 am send your brother to work, then we bring ah ma out for breakfast. After that, I go and work in the afternoon but i think i can get out at 3 or 4 pm. After that we go shopping for your work clothes. But don't tell your ah ma. We secretly go out. "
Firstly, I'm not interested in sending my brother to work or going for breakfast with grandma.
Secondly, I'm not interested in shopping for work clothes because not only have i not found a job, we also usually end up running your errands and you know how much i hate trying on new clothes unless absolutely necessary.
Thirdly, why do i feel like we're going out on a tryst?
How do you say things like this without hurting your mum?
I'ld much rather we remain in that distant manner than having you try to break the ice by following me WHEREVER I GO. I hate the fact that you're starting to open up.. and you just assume i wanna listen to you or i wanna spend my whole day with you.
Even if i wanted to do that, I wouldn't anymore. Because that's how you slowly eat into sending me on guilt trips. Something like what you're beginning to do right now. And after that, the family will do it too. SHIT. I'm sorry, but i'm not going to follow your footsteps anymore. I need to break free.
I don't wanna spend the whole day in the room with you, i don't want to watch all those movies with you. I mean, abit's alright but once you know i'm not going out and you have the day off, you start making plans. OMG! and you don't even ask. You just decide. Just like that.
I'm not your subordinate. I want to be left alone.. stop invading into my circle of control. Sigh, but how can I tell you that? You can't even take the hint of my shifting out on my own. Either that, or you totally just ignore that fact.
It's not I don't care about you. I am grateful to you but you are smothering me, mother.
Totally hate how those guilty pangs are inching in.
My Id and Superego so must stop this war right now. Because i can feel myself caving into the pressure very soon.
Friday, September 18, 2009
It was very nice of her to just do stupid things with the colour papers while i struggled with my awesome artistic skills. And i mean really struggle. It's like everytime i tried to show off something I invented, she'll find a fault with it. " HOW DARE YOU DO SOMETHING WITH EDGES LIKE THAT?! " " OMG! LOOK AT THIS! CAN I CUT IT FOR YOU? MY GOD! YOU CALL THIS A GIFT?! "
What an asshole.
I guess she could tell i'm not really talented that way, that's why she decided to give me some kind of motivation.
Anyway, the fun part was also how we stopped each other from falling asleep. You see, I was WAY behind schedule and we had a friend who was leaving the next morning so by 5 am, we knew we shouldn't be zzzing or we'ld definitely not wake up in time. But when the clock striked 600am and those coyotes started howling or making that strange noise they make, our eyes took a life on their own. Or rather, they decided that enough was enough. We soon found ourselves fast asleep - gentleman me head on the bed, body on the floor while she curled up on the floor, right beside the computer. I think we dozed off for about 15 minutes before we both decided it was too cold and both jumped onto the bed with the alarm set to go off in half an hour.
Who were we kidding? Of course we couldn't get up in half an hour! We didn't even hear the alarm go off. Thank god Kelsey's memory didn't fail her that day. She banged on the door right before she went for breakfast and despite being disoriented, we made it in time to say goodbye.
Good times, good times.
Really miss that kid.
I could be all confused and unhappy one minute, nostalgic the next and then behaving all calmly thereafter. What the hell is wrong with me?
I'm at the point where once again, I can't find the right words or form the right sentences. There is SO MUCH i would like to say.. so much that's screaming to come out but nothing is flowing. I must've written at least 5 different entries for each mood, only to delete them by the time I reach the end because I feel differently by then. Shit.
There's no peace within right now. No music that makes sense, no sound that isn't noise. And I can't seem to point out what is wrong. The world seems to be moving faster than I've ever seen and yet, it's slow at the same time. Kinda like a split world - like i'm living in a twilight zone.
What am i thinking about? Why do i feel so vexed? The world suddenly seems so big again. And i see myself as that puny little forlorn child crouched down at one corner of this gigantic universe while the world zooms by. Literally. I want the peace within. I want to find that peace.. but how am i supposed to solve a problem without first realizing what it is?
So i left today. Found a place where i could disappear for at least half an hour and i just sat there. Sat.. and sat... and sat..
Still no peace.
I tried to break it all down, tried to think of many reasons why i could be feeling like that. And i realized there are just too many. It's not the big problems that are the frustrating ones.. it's the too small to rectify it but too big to ignore it kind that kills me.
I'm afraid of reverting back to the past. Afraid of being too dependent on everyone or too gutless to make decisions without overthinking it, without disecting every single corner just to BE SURE that that's the right decision. But how can i ever be sure? No one's ever sure.
As it is, I can already see it happening; I can feel it coming back. My friends know me too well..
When I first touched down, pl came to visit and help me readjust. Xie and Ks followed thereafter, trying to keep me occupied. Then pl's there again for more.. advices. Jasmine's been helping me find jobs, find ways to to cure the itch, helping me find a direction. Kl's been complaining about how I've neglected her for 2 years but still knows where i'm heading to right now, Karolina, Agata and Celia's been uber worried about me since I came back, mari's been rationalizing for me.. and the list goes on!
It's like the world's spoonfeeding me again. Even without me meeting them, they are still there for me. And what do i do? I disappear from their lives as and when I like. Yet every single time, these people come back.
I can no longer hide this guilt i'm feeling. This sense of worthlessness. It's uh.. hard to explain how this works.
I love, appreciate and need all my friends. But because of how much they've done for me, I feel like I have a responsibility for everyone, even though this 'responsibility' or 'expectation' they have on me may not exist. Sometimes i feel like i have to match up to everyone's social norms eg, to find a high paying job or to join the corporate world in order to be useful.
Maybe that's why i want to walk away. Because I owe everyone far too much. Sometimes, spending too much time in your comfort zone makes it a lil' 'uncomfortable'.
I want some alone time - without any hidden agenda or without the need to escape. I need alone times like those in ynp where i do it just to make sense of the day, to tie up some lose ends, to have a 'reflection time' at the end of the day and to appreciate everything around me. Somehow, things are not slow enough here to do that. Things are not green and big enough for me to just stare up, take in the air and smile. Most importantly, i need my alone time with dad, and god. I know i'm starting to sound all holy and stuff.. but i'm really not at all honk-if-you-love-jesus kind. ( not yet anyway. ;) ) It's just.. i could feel something when i was at ynp. But there's nothing now. Zilch.
I miss those times.
And i couldn't stop thinking of all the weirdest and most random times in YNP today. Mostly it was of all the walks past mara's place, past the pub, past the snow lodge. And the walks back from the pub by the ranger station. Somehow, these places suddenly seem so warm. But sometimes i do wonder if it's warm because of the place or because of the people. I guess putting both together makes it that much perfect.
A house is too big. But having a room for yourself, admist a communal environment with the right people, and in the wild.. that's living. You get your own space, AND you get to interact. You have to be independent, you have to be bold, you get to live life as it is.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Seems like that's my other vice whenever i'm procrastinating.
But at 10pm today, (ie 8am Yellowstone time),
I couldn't play a proper tune at all.
Everything was jumbled, too fast or had no feel to it.
You see, today's the day most of them leave Yellowstone.
And apart from having my thoughts distracted by those leaving - and how everyone's going their separate ways,
I can't help but think of those staying behind as well.
Can you just imagine the anguish?
Wish there was something that can be done.
Goodbyes are just so freakin' hard. Dammit!
Also, I've started scouting for jobs. Found a couple of interesting ones.. but everytime I jot them down, the voices of my family just keeps ringing in my head. Met up with one of my malaysian uncle lately.. and he followed us in collecting my cert. When he asked what my plan was and he heard the term 'social work', he just kept quiet. And after a couple of hours when he learned that the degree is in marketing, he preached NON-STOP about how I should go into business first and only concentrate in social work when i'm near retirement.
Sometimes i wonder if it's just my perception or if it's because of their age. But the old people ALWAYS relates social work to serving the older people in the society. What about the mentally challenged or the problem kids? What about third world countries that requires our energy and youth? Don't they need us? Or is this just a part of my fantasized world?
I'm so confused.
What is my calling?
Sometimes it feels like out of no where, I've been dumped in the middle of the desert where no proper roads could be made out. I can walk either direction I deem fit and wherever I turn, a beautiful town seem to be there. But could all this be just some kind of a mirage? What if a wrong decision is made? Would it be too late to turn back? Will I be heading for something that never existed? Or did i choose the right route? Will i know WHEN to turn back?
Is this really a useless lifestyle? Should i go down the route everyone is taking or should I make my own route?
Oh boy, all these questions. Who can ever answer them?
And there this whole issue of leaving the country. Indeed, I may have to work a couple of years first. But I'm afraid of how I might forget about how strong this desire is when the time comes.
I hate changes. When I get accustomed to this life, would I want to risk it all to try a life outside this 'comfort zone' ?
See, more questions.
I see the look in everyone when I express my thought of leaving. Friends and family just keep silent. Dead silent. But i can't make out what this silence means. Is it a doubtful silence or a why-must-you-leave silence? Juan thinks I will leave eventually.
Well, truth is if I still feel this way in 6 months, I most likely will. And I am preserving this 'feeling' by distaning myself from ALOT of people. So i do owe an apology to many of my friends and some of my family members.
I am in a very very confused state of mind right now. Please bear with me.
The day the door is closed,
The echoes fill your soul.
They won't say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.
To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
But I'm not sure anymore,
It's just so hard.
Voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge -
They're pushin', pushin', they're pushin'!
I know they've got a plan,
But the ball's in my hands!
This time is man-to-man!
I'm drivin', fightin', inside of,
(A world that's upside down)
It's spinning faster!
What do I do now,
I don't know where to go,
What's the right team?
I want my own thing,
So bad I'm gonna scream!
I can't choose, so confused -
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream,
So bad I'm gonna scream!
Monday, September 14, 2009
Even in Singapore, it doesn't feel good. Don't know why. So imagine what Kelsey, Matej, Julie, Jana Melody and Sarah must be feeling..
So this morning, I got up and in loving memory of them...
I ate THREE peanut butter and jelly!
heh heh. there goes my non-existant diet plan.
Go away, weird feeling.
It was my blessing to cross path with you guys. Thanks for being such pals.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
I can't believe this moment's come,
it's so incredible that we're alone.
There's so much to be said and done,
it's impossible not to be overcome.
Will you forgive me if I feel this way?
Coz we've just met - tell me that's OK.
So take this feeling, make it grow.
Never let it - never let it go.
I can't explain the things that I'm feeling.
No, I won't let go..
Now would you mind if I bared my soul?
If I came right out and said,
Coz there's something here I can't explain.
I feel I'm diving into driving rain.
You get my senses running wild,
I can't resist your sweet, sweet smile.
So take this feeling, make it grow.
Never let it - never let it go.
Friday, September 11, 2009
I like taking those walks alone.
The kicking of sand in the air.
and the sitting by the backyard of that stupid, over-sensitive old lady, with a beer in one hand, fags in another and one more bottle in my pouch coupled with those earphones blasting in my ear.
I like talking to that faceless soul beside me; throwing pebbles down that 'cliff' while i look over the softball field.
I like the long walk by the road from the trailer park, past the pub and back to the dorm.
I like stopping by the pub for maybe one more drink before heading back and plonging myself onto the picnic bench - sometimes alone, sometimes with friends.
Maybe then, i'll have another drink and another fag. and another, and another. haha.
I like visiting that smelly horse/mule that sniffs up the wrong areas.
Thereafter, walking down to the softball field just to see the carved names and reminisce on the good times.
Before long, that faceless soul would come again. Sometimes we don't even talk, we just sit.
It's quite nice, you know, to just sit and reflect. To have a companion that listens to you even when you're not speaking.
I like(d) hiking.
I like taking the longest time ever scaling the not-that-high-up observation point. And when i'm up there, it was nice to sit by the wooden barricade and stare out hard below. Sometimes, I would climb up that offtrail slope, which has probably been explored by a million other people before me. It goes higher than the 'peak' of the trail but the view wasn't much of a difference. What was fun,though, was the falling off it after that because my shoes just wouldn't stay at one spot. You know the adrenaline of tumbling down with only the edge in sight but halting right at the very last minute, just one step before the end. Haha.. puts a smile to my face.. and of course, a skipped beat to my heart.
I like how I had the chance to do stupid things like that.
To watch the stars, to get pissing drunk with the best drinking buddies, to throw popcorns at one another, to talk kok, to sing stupid hokkien songs out loud, to be obsessed with phantom of the opera, to have my own bathing cubicle, to have my own room, to mess up my room.
Even though lotsa people think it's childish and unrealistic, i really liked that. It was the one place where 90% of what i say, what i did and where i went, was controlled by the heart, not by the head. Where my feet decides the next step forward, and not me. Where ever step taken is a surprise.
I like the wild,
I wanna be the wild.
So i know i should move on and stop missing yellowstone and all it's glory.
But i don't want to.
Who then should i listen to this time?
or my head?
Whichever the case, I guess refining my resume would be a good start.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Wednesday, September 09, 2009
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Protect yourself by hurting others;
or, protect others by protecting yourself less.
Why do people always not appreciate the 'right' choice?
Or is is only right to be wrong?
Maybe only the selfish can succeed.
Monday, September 07, 2009
Sunday, September 06, 2009
I miss everyone so much. Sometimes, no, most of the time, i forget that we've only known each other for about 3 months. maybe even less.
Apart from that, i also yearn the freedom that comes with being alone; being away from everyone back here. Being independent ( ok, not exactly independent but as least i feel that bit more than when i'm home. )
'Expectations' are starting to flood back. It's as if a dam was placed in between me and the society and everyone back in singapore when I was in America, Yellowstone in particular. Now that i'm back, the dam is opened and EVERYTHING, literally everything is gushing over, drowning me in the process. What makes things worse is the fact that this is not the end of it. I don't think it's even nearly at the halfway mark. I'm pretty sure everyone's just waiting for me to return back to normal, to get over this mourning period before they throw more rocks my way.
Why? Why does everyone here think i'm so useless yet expect so much outta me? Or is it because i really am useless, hence i feel like people's expectations of me are so overwhelming? I feel so condemned. And the funny part is I don't even know for what. For not taking any actions to proceed with the next phase of my life? But why can't anyone see that the only reason why i'm holding back, is because i don't wanna be just another pawn in this life?
I want to do what i want. Alright, i may not know exactly what i want now.. but could this be why i'm not certain? Because everytime i have an idea, doubt is planted in me. But can anyone ever be sure of wherever they're going? I know for a fact that i don't wanna stay here.. not now anyway. I need to spread my wings; i need to open my eyes and grow up. Can't you just respect that?
Yes, maybe i enjoyed living abroad so much because it was just a short term thing; yes, maybe i'm gonna lose all contact with them before i know it; yes, maybe if i do stay longer abroad, i would realize that i actually like singapore way better. But so what? You don't know them; you don't know the place; you don't know my dreams. nope, you don't UNDERSTAND my dreams. Besides, what matters is the 'believe'.
If i make a mistake, i will just have to learn how to pick myself up after, won't i? It won't be easy, i know. But it ain't easy now either.
You guys just wanna tie me down, to take the safer route. For some of you, it somehow feels like it's merely because u don't have a chance to do something like that, so you want me to lead that same mundane life. Why not right? It only seems fair.
I know some might be genuinely concerned but sometimes, the existence of 'hope' in itself, can bring people to places they've never dream they could be. By taking that away, by giving a reality check ( that may not exactly happen ), one will always wonder how life would be if the other route is taken.
Let me make that mistake, if it is one. There's not a life where mistakes wont be made. What matters is what happens thereafter. If you really do care, then walk with me and be there for me if it is a mistake. That's what i would do, or at least i think i would do, if i have a friend or family who's in the same dilema.
What am i saying?