Saturday, April 30, 2011


hmm, 我知啊.

but this time I sian already.

like seriously.

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now,
he takes off her dress now,
letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr Brightside

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Too weak to think too sick to behave.

I can't leave you why don't you leave me instead

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I don't like what the heels mean.

i don't see you i angry.
i see you i angry.
now i see your shoes i also angry!


AND Mai has gone over to the other side.

She liked those shoes!!

We do not see eye to eye anymore.


Saturday, April 23, 2011

can you handle me the way i are.

Wrote the previous post half before bed this morn and half before leaving home this evening- both of which when I was trapped in the demons of my mind.

What a weekend.

I've forgotten my place. I've pitted myself against him,

I am ashamed of myself.

Just ended a badminton game w Darren n ks. Haven't done this in a long time. And it's funny whilst taking a break along the benches to think back on how we started playing from a smelly, stuffy, overcrowded badminton hall to an overpriced community centre before finally landing on this beautiful vacant hall.

And after so many yrs, we're still fucking one another in our games. Heh.

I had a very distracted game. Partly coz of how rusty i am ( my nerves feels like they are all tangled amongst one another now. Owwww. ) and partly coz I kept thinking of her. Kept trying to decipher my own mind.

It feels great to sweat and shout to the game. Like an outlet that was rational.

But I didn't feel good all throughout.

At some point, I wondered if I was being over sensitive, while at others, I contemplated the thought of sucking it up like a man. But at hard shots, I had flashes on how things were hidden from me.. And I think.. I would never be gracious or man enough to change that aspect of me.

Even if there are times where I feel like I can live with that, i know it'll only be temporary. It is innate in me to take it as an insult when kept in the dark.. be it for my own good or not. And the more I discover, the more skeptical i'd be and this will translate into distrust. I will always feel disrespected with each stone unturned. And even if she's genuine to me, I can never be like Alvin - accepting to only be her weekday fuck. I really don't know how I would be able to stay sane knowing that they are sleeping together. Perhaps it is this greatest difference in our belief system that will always hinder our progress.

Do you remember the days where we made each other feel good even when we're not in sight or in company? I miss that. I miss that strength. I miss that even when I was a loser, I felt like a winner. And that I could laugh like a king because I had the support of my queen.

I miss the queen maybe.

This is what it's supposed to be about isn't it? To make one another feel good or feel hopeful for ourselves both as individuals and as one.

But I know I have to accept that she's never going to be ready to handle this.

I just wish I could face it so calmly and bravely all the time.

And that i don't have to act nonchalant anymore.

But if this is the only way out.......

Dear god,
i don't feel you anymore.
A tinge of tranquility combined with an explosion of lethargy.
There is hope when amongst a blanket of dust, you see clear skies for a split second.
It is then that you sense the calmness of forgoing everything and the possibility of stepping out of the doomed land.
And you wish with all your might that you'll never forget that glimmer of hope.. that call and will to make the one last dash for survival.
When the time comes, you'd wish for the same amount of zen.

3 days proved futile in terms of clearing ze mind.
it did clear all right. but clear as in empty, it did.
what i'm looking for, however, is clearing to recognize that some things are not worth no hoot.
i can be so much more.

and i refuse to straddle in denial like the two of them are.
i refuse to play their strategical game.

but i did learn that i hate crowds now.

Maybe I'm in xie's post-jermz frame of mind now.
Everyone is sounding so childish and irrelevant.
but because you know that it's probably your own self being less patient than before, you'd want to get away from crowds.
they are

i don't wanna spare a thought for another when i'm off the hook at night.
i will live for me by busking in my space.

yet as soon as the confidence sets in, unhappiness hits again.

How can I allow one to hurt me so deeply and yet long so badly?

Run away i should!
For I have no more idea which direction to look.

Well here's a plan for ya. All I have to do is tire myself religiously. As long as I push myself hard enough, as long as I keep my conscious day busy, these stupid emotions, these stupid feelings will be nothing but a mere dream. When I paddle, I will paddle as if running away from it all. For as many hours as i can, i shall race with these shadows following me. At those times, i am convinced that these are not lingering shadows. These are just my imagination.

so that's that for the confusiong, for the anger, for the frustration.
but about the guilt?
i am sorry for treating your acts of concern so harshly.
i am not as blind as you deem.
if there's one promise you did keep,
it's how you said you wouldn't leave and never did.

but is this one act enough to make up for the things i know, knew, suspect?

runaway i should, runaway i should!

the world has bigger things to worry about. What am I doing swimming in my sea of questions?

really wished i could've slept in as planned this morning.
The epitome of oxymoron, ladies and gentlemen.

Bought a ticket for a runaway train
Like a madman laughing at the rain
A little out of touch, a little insane
It's just easier than dealing with the pain

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Who holds the colours to your now?

Everyone have been cranky of late.
But while it's mostly anger and frustration that I've been seeing / hearing, I can't seem to find my own voice.

To keep walking has been my motto for some 2 weeks now.
I've sought after adventures, I've embraced alot of reflection time.
But I also feel more and more like an empty shell. Refusing to think, refusing to react.
Everyday is a day of pretense.

Is this supposed to be part of the road to recovery? Am I to turn my back on all our past by ignoring them all? To find the light to the end of this tunnel seems so hopeless right now.

There is, indeed, some tranquility in ignoring all the emotions. When a pang of anger, jealousy or insecurity hits, you'll be able to deal with it by just walking away. But how long can this facade last i wonder?

Guess I can only find out if I keep walking.
Have a sex-full long weekend everyone.

I am going to cramp my days up so they can do theirs in peace.

Have no fear
For when I'm alone
I'll be better off than I was before

I've got this light
I'll be around to grow
Who I was before
I cannot recall

Long nights allow me to feel...
I'm falling...I am falling
The lights go out
Let me feel
I'm falling
I am falling safely to the ground

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

From both sides now.

I bonded with Esther. Then Ellen. Kwee Eng, Sean nee, Maisarah.

Esther left. Then Ellen. Kwee Eng, Sean nee and Maisarah.

There is a sick sense of realization that comes with that. While i know tht everything happens for a reason and that I've made new pals at this one place, I can't help but reel in the fact that I'm indeed stagnating.

And that bothers me.

It was a bad day today. Knew it the moment I stepped into school, saw Tara by the gate and lost all ability to baby talk. Got worse after lunch.

It was easier being a wall. But ks's txt-of-concerns on Sunday and Mai's conversation today just couldn't surpress some of these thoughts. And the more I tried to keep it down, the more constricted I felt, the more I tried to play, the more I failed, the more Dulan I became.

At the same time.. The more I played, the more I remember THAT insecurity and the more I hated it.

Even with all the excuses I've managed to come up with all these months, anyone and everyone knows / knew that there was one biggg reason why I couldn't let the job go.

And after so long, that one biggg reason is still a bigg reason at least.
Why so I do not know.

But if u take my seat for abit, maybe u'll understand how things looks like to me now.

My office is an ordinary rectangular shaped room. I sit at wendy's old desk. The one by the entrance. The corner most. Beside me sits mai. Then the part-timer, koh and cq. Behind me is suet lee and beside her is Irene, grace and huang fang. Eddy floats to wherever he deems fit.

So.. Total headcount? 10.

Suet leaves tml. Hf leaves end April. If eddy's man enough, he leaves 1st wk may. Mai leaves end may. CQ goes on maternity in June. Which leaves the total ppl left in e office to.......... 4. Grace, Irene, koh and me!


Wtf am I doing with my life? I am bored just recollecting on the no. of farewells I've bade. I'm only 23! And I've lost the will to feel.

I once said that I seem to be watching things unfold in CM as if i'm watching a black n white movie. The scene remains the same but characters disappear. Well guess what, I'm still watching the same movie!

Everyone knows what's good and not gd for me. I know what's good and not good for me.

Yet I'm doing nothing about.

What a whiny bitch.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Do you know the serenity prayer? It goes something like this.


grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things that I can,
and the wisdom to tell the difference.

The serenity prayer came to mind before bed last night.

and now for the yvonne prayer.

Dear god,
I is tired.


Can't believe i'm outta bed already. It is a semi-chilly Sunday morning. The kinda mornings that accompanied those so-long-ago msgs from Taiwan. Kinda like the pre-post-Hilda mornings. The yearning kind, the emo kind.

I don't like emo.

I keep feeling the need to keep a straight head and a straight heart in dealing with my emotions. Even if it means turning into a stone-hearted bastard. Only then can I be less vulnerable. Only then can I stop myself from thinking.

If I were who I was before, entering a period like now would have made me a very angry person. Angry at the world, angry at life, angry at anyone who is happy around me.

I would have blamed god and called the world unfair.

Well i STILL call the world unfair. But this time, I don't seem to harbor that same amount of anger. Nor the same amount of energy. It is not only frustration that is raging in me. I'd be lying if I say I'm not hoping for a miracle or an ounce of hope or for a u-turn to the situation. You know, something unexpected and out of the ordinary. But after so many occasions, you kinda get the picture and know your place.

And the realization of that is draining.

So what can you do? Lan lan just walk. Too lazy to think? Too tried to fight? Pointless to get mad? Just walk only.

Of course things aren't as simple as it sounds. Many a-times, remembering her choices would put a bullet through my heart and I find it so tempting to fall down and dwell in self-pity. Am I really not worth that fight for?

But what good would making myself remain that way do? where would that lead me? Am I to emerge a survivor or a victim?

At the point I'm at now, my only hope is to tire myself entirely so I'll be sapped from every ounce of energy left to deal with the battle within. Keep yourself busy, they say.. and all your troubles will be at bay.

Have I mentioned how awesome 881 was last night? Well, it was awesome. It was SO good.

The musical was only like a billion times better than the movie.

Initially skeptical about the seemingly low budget production, cast and lame factor of the show, 881 the musical turned out to be a good reminder to why we should never stinge on enjoying live performances.

The music to the show was amazing. Well, not really the chinese nor the Hokkien version of it since I barely understood a word. But the english subtitles to it spoke volumes. Even though I can't quite remember the translation to most of it now, I'm still thinking about the genuine-nity that struck me. It's impressive how a song in dialect may carry so much more wisdom than some of the angry chart-breaker english songs i listen to day in day out. It was also moments like these where I knew I could never describe the same experience with my own words that I counted my blessings for the ideal companion. Like I've said, it's like you felt the need to feel empty because you wanted someone to experience it too but then you realize... oops, problem solved! heh.

Should've gotten those darn CD and script.

There was a moral to the story as well.. and it was quite blatant actually - though I'm sensing that many may have overlooked it. The show last night gave me a whole new respect to Royston Tan.. whose movies I quite frankly didn't entirely understood. The play of lights, sound and body language was very intelligently crafted. Especially that of the Fu the Lu and the Shou. How I wish I had those stage management skills.

Most importantly, amidst coming out with powerful lyrics, music and the edited storyline, humor was injected throughout the entire 2 hour. The women at home will definitely enjoy it.

Oh what can I say? - I adore musicals. Especially the ones with music that relates to different situation.

can i can i can i be a song writer please?

Another ditch in the road - you keeping moving.
Another stop sign - you keep moving on.

You win, Mr CC.
A thankful enough full stop.

The day went not quite like what I had in mind when we first bought the tickets. At some aspects, it was better, and at some others, worse. But u know how sometimes u go somewhere, watch a movie, or a play, or whatever, enjoyed it, and wished that a particular person was there too? Well I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who had that feeling, turned over and realize that that someone IS there.

There is a sense of peace and gratitude that comes with that.

And 881 was worth every dime.

Goodnight world.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Friday, April 15, 2011

By the third day, it gets a little more worrying and a little more xin tong-ing. But still I know there's nothing I can and nothing I must do.

Delayed reaction goes something like this:

Piak piak piak!

Wait for it.....








I think I've got the slow reaction disease.

Truth is, I still very much feel like the fool. Especially after those 3 breaking points. And instead of having to deal with the good-time-recollections like I was preparing myself for, I constantly find myself being slapped with past deceit so plain, I'll wonder if I'm stupid for not pointing it out when I had the chance to or if the aggressor's stupid for thinking I am that gullible.

I do have flashbacks as well. but the pain and insult of unveiling one truth after another, or to discover that someone important thinks so lowly of you seems to be overpowering the butterflies that flapped.

Sometimes I get mad at her for being so disrespectful and for assuming that simple excuses can cover all aspects of a bluff. Yet at others, I hate myself for being so unforgiving. Deep down I know that at some level, I was at fault too - since I knew what I was getting myself into and knew about some of the secrets since a long time ago.. but on days where my head isn't as clear as I'd like it to be, I still feel disrespected and spit on. Sigh.. looks like I need more time to grow up.

It seems like my only way of coping with these ego trips is to adopt the most detestable method to handle any thing - and that is to escape. Especially with the weather these days. So tempting to cozy up on bed and watch a funny movie at night. But while it's nice to keep myself busy and not deal with all the dramas, I cannot help but realize that life is starting to feel empty. Like I'm not solving anything and I won't be able to run away from it for too long. Soon I would have to face them. Perhaps Mai was right - these are phases in life we have to get through with. This is how we grow.

But she too said that I'm too young to be numb at everything. And that's true too! crapp.

Oh PMS, is that you churning in me?


A mass resignation stint is happening in the office. All of a sudden the people surrounding me are disappearing. But I'm only half as affected as I thought I'd be. I think it'll hit me only when the reality of it all sinks in more and more but it's a good time for me to think even more seriously about my future. Maybe it's the right time for me to take the plunge as well. but the very thought of breaking into a new culture, meeting new people, handling new politics scares the crap outta me.

Still, since the letter throwing, things in the office seems to be lighter. Everyone is joking more and the tension is removed. Even gaga gets playful. That is until THE MAN struts into the office.

How nice it'll be if the everyday culture in the office is like that.

But life isn't all a bed full of roses is it?

I need my gilbert dose. And some USA love while you're at it. kthxbye.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

If we are so unhappy being together and everything has to be so forced, then why for?

what have we been fighting for?

Monday, April 11, 2011

Had the least satisfying ride ever. Longest and by far the most challenging... but unfortunately, not as satisfying as the previous trips. But then I got hme and yellowstone was on discovery.... So the sun was up again! At least for the next hour or so. haha.

Went to butterfact with Li e other day. Bumped into a drunk to drunker to drunkest Pris. haha. it's been a long time. Felt so over-aged and out of place for the most of it. Pris asked about you poink..

Anyway we (more Li than we!) made friends with a couple of ppl. But lili started to get a little kinky.. and well, high I guess.. so numbers were exchanged but when things were starting to get sticky on the dance floor, all I could tell Emily was oh nononono KK in my mind! KK IN MY MIND!!

I meant it as a joke to kill the matchmaking joy Lili was having, really.

But I guess it really has been KK in my mind.
And for many many months now.

But I've somehow also come to believe that we might have evolved into this.

say whatt?

Because of all the lies and all the deceit previously casted, I don't know what to trust and what not to anymore. This is a real test and a completely different ball game. Words have never been so cheapskate in my books before and I don't know if/how I can completely believe what she says whether we are face to face or not anymore.

To her, those may be mere passing incidents. But to me it meant getting stabbed in the gut. And her blade were preettty sharp. stab 1 ouch stab 2 hey stab 3 fuck it.

I let it go during showdown last week only because she had issues then. But now that that's settled, I guess it's time to do the right thing.

So many times I've caught a lie straight in my face yet at all those moments, I chose to think that she may have some kinda reason for lying so blatantly. I even stooped to coming up with excuses for her just to convince myself. But why?

Huitann used to accuse me of being defensive towards her and I always insisted that I wasn't. But what if... Huitann were right? Did my coming out with those excuses and not being confrontational reinforce her behavior? Or did it put me out as some kinda pushover?

It sucks now because even if some part of me buys all her stories in present day, there's always this red flag waving ferociously in me - cautioning me of the sheer possibility that she is leading me on again. And given her track record, why shouldn't I be weary?

A lifestyle like this is so exhausting. I know of some people who thrives on watching their back all the time. They find a kind of excitement in being able to call on another person's scheme. But i'm not that person. I don't fancy having to always question another. Especially towards a person I really care(d) about. And truth be told, the blow is harder when you uncover something about someone who matters a whole lot to you.

At lion king moments, I sometimes hope that by pretending to be nonchalant long enough, I could actually get into the habit of really being nonchalant.

But those are only during the good moment quickies. When low moments hit, however, I feel like shit all over again reminiscing on the good-ol-days and I get so tempted to drop all resistance n defenses and to shower her with what I can.

Yet I know that I have to keep walking.
Painful I walk; Blister I also walk; Bleeding I lagi walk.

Afterall, she did make her choice over and over again didn't she?
If I'm only her second fiddle, then why should I make her my first?

Just jalan only. It will be ok.

And if it's too difficult, I'll just tire myself out complete so I don think. And there'll be F.R.I.E.N.D.S! lots and lots of episodes to get me through hell. Sounds like a plan, no?

right now though, I'm sleepy.. and seemingly talking in circles. heh.
Night people.

Bang bang bang we shoot them down.

Friday, April 08, 2011

I cycled and cycled and cycled and cycled.

And found myself kneeling in church.

Monday, April 04, 2011

Well you put on quite a show really had me going now it's time time to go curtain's finally closing
That was quite a show really entertaining

But it's over now.

Go on and take a bow.

Why have you forsaken me?

I am a third party. So is my mum and bro. I have to set a good example for my bro.
I cannot stand the ego bruise by my boss n fake girlfiren.

Together I'm reduced to nth.
Everyday is a healing process.
and every Sunday is my rehabilitation day.

I guess the road to recovery means to put one heavy foot in front of the other and to keep on walking.

I know it'll be ok in the end. I'll step outta it and carry on with life. But it's the strike on the ego that's the biggest hurdle.

Still you know - strike 1, strike 2, strike 3, out.

Sleeping has never been an option.

Not until now that is.
Just as well i'm sleepy all the time.

go on and take a bow.

Saturday, April 02, 2011

The cycling cleared alot in the head.
Like Sipadan waters clear.

你走吧, 到了记得要给我同电话.