Had the least satisfying ride ever. Longest and by far the most challenging... but unfortunately, not as satisfying as the previous trips. But then I got hme and yellowstone was on discovery.... So the sun was up again! At least for the next hour or so. haha.

Went to butterfact with Li e other day. Bumped into a drunk to drunker to drunkest Pris. haha. it's been a long time. Felt so over-aged and out of place for the most of it. Pris asked about you poink..

Anyway we (more Li than we!) made friends with a couple of ppl. But lili started to get a little kinky.. and well, high I guess.. so numbers were exchanged but when things were starting to get sticky on the dance floor, all I could tell Emily was oh nononono KK in my mind! KK IN MY MIND!!

I meant it as a joke to kill the matchmaking joy Lili was having, really.

But I guess it really has been KK in my mind.
And for many many months now.

But I've somehow also come to believe that we might have evolved into this.








say whatt?


Because of all the lies and all the deceit previously casted, I don't know what to trust and what not to anymore. This is a real test and a completely different ball game. Words have never been so cheapskate in my books before and I don't know if/how I can completely believe what she says whether we are face to face or not anymore.

To her, those may be mere passing incidents. But to me it meant getting stabbed in the gut. And her blade were preettty sharp. stab 1 ouch stab 2 hey stab 3 fuck it.

I let it go during showdown last week only because she had issues then. But now that that's settled, I guess it's time to do the right thing.

So many times I've caught a lie straight in my face yet at all those moments, I chose to think that she may have some kinda reason for lying so blatantly. I even stooped to coming up with excuses for her just to convince myself. But why?

Huitann used to accuse me of being defensive towards her and I always insisted that I wasn't. But what if... Huitann were right? Did my coming out with those excuses and not being confrontational reinforce her behavior? Or did it put me out as some kinda pushover?

It sucks now because even if some part of me buys all her stories in present day, there's always this red flag waving ferociously in me - cautioning me of the sheer possibility that she is leading me on again. And given her track record, why shouldn't I be weary?

A lifestyle like this is so exhausting. I know of some people who thrives on watching their back all the time. They find a kind of excitement in being able to call on another person's scheme. But i'm not that person. I don't fancy having to always question another. Especially towards a person I really care(d) about. And truth be told, the blow is harder when you uncover something about someone who matters a whole lot to you.

At lion king moments, I sometimes hope that by pretending to be nonchalant long enough, I could actually get into the habit of really being nonchalant.

But those are only during the good moment quickies. When low moments hit, however, I feel like shit all over again reminiscing on the good-ol-days and I get so tempted to drop all resistance n defenses and to shower her with what I can.

Yet I know that I have to keep walking.
Painful I walk; Blister I also walk; Bleeding I lagi walk.

Afterall, she did make her choice over and over again didn't she?
If I'm only her second fiddle, then why should I make her my first?

Just jalan only. It will be ok.

And if it's too difficult, I'll just tire myself out complete so I don think. And there'll be F.R.I.E.N.D.S! lots and lots of episodes to get me through hell. Sounds like a plan, no?

right now though, I'm sleepy.. and seemingly talking in circles. heh.
Night people.

Bang bang bang we shoot them down.