Tuesday, April 19, 2011

From both sides now.

I bonded with Esther. Then Ellen. Kwee Eng, Sean nee, Maisarah.

Esther left. Then Ellen. Kwee Eng, Sean nee and Maisarah.

There is a sick sense of realization that comes with that. While i know tht everything happens for a reason and that I've made new pals at this one place, I can't help but reel in the fact that I'm indeed stagnating.

And that bothers me.

It was a bad day today. Knew it the moment I stepped into school, saw Tara by the gate and lost all ability to baby talk. Got worse after lunch.

It was easier being a wall. But ks's txt-of-concerns on Sunday and Mai's conversation today just couldn't surpress some of these thoughts. And the more I tried to keep it down, the more constricted I felt, the more I tried to play, the more I failed, the more Dulan I became.

At the same time.. The more I played, the more I remember THAT insecurity and the more I hated it.

Even with all the excuses I've managed to come up with all these months, anyone and everyone knows / knew that there was one biggg reason why I couldn't let the job go.

And after so long, that one biggg reason is still a bigg reason at least.
Why so I do not know.

But if u take my seat for abit, maybe u'll understand how things looks like to me now.

My office is an ordinary rectangular shaped room. I sit at wendy's old desk. The one by the entrance. The corner most. Beside me sits mai. Then the part-timer, koh and cq. Behind me is suet lee and beside her is Irene, grace and huang fang. Eddy floats to wherever he deems fit.

So.. Total headcount? 10.

Suet leaves tml. Hf leaves end April. If eddy's man enough, he leaves 1st wk may. Mai leaves end may. CQ goes on maternity in June. Which leaves the total ppl left in e office to.......... 4. Grace, Irene, koh and me!

Moannn.

Wtf am I doing with my life? I am bored just recollecting on the no. of farewells I've bade. I'm only 23! And I've lost the will to feel.

I once said that I seem to be watching things unfold in CM as if i'm watching a black n white movie. The scene remains the same but characters disappear. Well guess what, I'm still watching the same movie!

Everyone knows what's good and not gd for me. I know what's good and not good for me.

Yet I'm doing nothing about.

What a whiny bitch.

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