Feel that?

I hate it when people think that I am a lost case and behaves all superior than me.

I hate it even more when I start thinking that I am a lost case and let people behave all superior than me.

Less of pain, more of miss.

Everyday I run away from such emotions.

Everyday I get a day closer to making the wrong decisions again.

Every night I come face to face with this sense of worthlessness.

It's like I'm chasing my own tail. Over and over and over again.

Certainties disappear.

What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?

Never thought I'ld see Old Faithful go off again.

Sadly, this picture is even better than those I've taken with my 3.2 MegaPixel camera.

So anyway, Emily and I decided to meet up last night to have some sort of a career discussion. As always, that didn't work out. It eventually turned into an impromptu midnight picnic-by-the-beach, Dirty Dancing 2 and sleepover thing. I know sounds so romantic right? Too bad she's in a 5 year old relationship.

But only 5 mins into Dirty Dancing, we got irritated at how the music's always louder than the dialogue. So I suggested watching the movie with earphones. My laptop had two earphone sockets and we didn't know about hers so she said she'ld check it out before deciding if we should watch it on my computer instead. But even before she could reach for her computer, we got distracted by other conversational topics.

Halfway through though, in the middle of an absolutely random discussion, I jumped out of bed to grab my earphones and yelled out, " Hey Emily, so how many holes do you have? "

" Three. "

!@#$%^&$#

I think she misunderstood my question.

An American TALE.

It helps to think we're sleeping underneath the same big sky.

Had to stand in for mother for some godparent duty in church yesterday so I entered the chapel for the first time in YEARS. Took the opportunity to visit father's urn and when I saw it, guilt hit me almost instantly.

I remember when it first happened, I used to visit everyday. Then every week. Slowly, it morphed to every month and now, once in a few years. Are the dead forgotten so easily?

But dad hasn't been forgotten.

Standing in front of the urn, I kept thinking of how lonely dad might be, of how the place has changed, of how I haven't wiped the plate for a long time, of how mother would look like standing there praying, complaining, crying and asking for strength.

Guilt overload.

Anyways, it's really been a long time since I've been into church and I kept thinking back of the times we had to go for Catechism or Sunday classes. The church and especially those lessons were hardly a holy place for us lil' kids. Most of the time, I went to class only to see those hot St. Anthony chicks. Ha. That's where they hang out and parade.

So for that short 30 mins briefing yesterday, I couldn't help but take a peek around.

Looks like I haven't missed much all those years.

Are you gonna stay with the one who loves you?

Or are you going back to the one you love?

Someone's gonna cry when they know they've lost you,

Someone's gonna thank the stars above.

I've always had this childhood fantasy of running my own broadway. Be it to act, to direct, to conduct or to combine everything. And with the music, the lighting and the atmosphere, it would be the best show ever.

Just weeks ago, I was so fired up and convinced that I won't allow myself to be just another corporate slave. That I will find a job that I love and not a job that I need. That something big is waiting for me out there.

But it suddenly dawned on me today that I've been sending out resumes to places I've never even imagined myself in before. And this realization makes me feel like I've eroded my principles ( or what little of them I have ) in order to survive in this world.

It IS tough doing what you want to do. It is tough when the opportunities comes out at the wrong time and when hardly anyone around you seems to have that faith that it's gonna happen.

Yea sure, friends and sometimes, family will always be there to give that support. But how many truly believes that it is possible? I dare say 90% of the people who have heard my usual speech thinks that i'm living in an unrealistic realm.

And they are absolutely right.

We need money. We need fame. We need acknowledgements. That's business. " Money is not the most important thing in the world. But money can help you get many things. " That's what mother always says. And I see what she means.

Money hasn't been so important to me before. But it is now. I've reached the point in my life where I have to break out and be independent. And much as I hate to admit it, we need the cash to break free. At least enough to get us somewhere.

But living the dream ain't that easy. Sometimes I really do feel like giving up. And I think I might have slipped up a lil' here and there along the way.

But right at the point where I was about to give up hope, I accidentally stumbled upon an old CD of mine which had tons of oldies that dad used to listen to.

Maybe that's his lil' sign of encouragement. Right there.

Nothing is impossible.

Close to 30 resumes sent and yet.. only 1 interview was lined up.

Even the Zoo isn't responding.

This fresh graduate had better get employed soon or she'll no longer be fresh.

I like turning off all the lights in the room and blasting Matsuri on stereo.

The rustic asian tribal feel to it totally gets me going.

So the day started out pretty badly today.

I woke up with emotions i didn't wanna face and stumbled upon things I shouldn't see.

Somehow, I just wanted to like dig a hole somewhere and meditate, or wallow in self-pity or just look plain stupid. The dog in me must have been taking over then.

Whichever the case, I felt ( or feel ) extremely vexed and really needed to be alone. But even after spending a great deal of time at Estella, something was still weighing at the back of my mind and it was starting to irritate the hell outta me.

So by dinner time, I wasn't really interested in meeting Emily and KS at Ikea anymore but I was too lazy to call in and cancel on them. After all, it would be my virgin trip to Tampines's Ikea and I have been putting it off for a long time now. The frustrating part was, however, how I was, for less-than-5-times in my life, earlier than them. And as the minutes ticked by, my patience were running thinner and thinner and my temper was increasing bit by bit. What's more, I was really hungry and you know how a hungry man is an angry man. Makes me wonder how they could have spent so much time waiting for me in the past. Thank god I had my good ol' ipod with me and that helped soothe me ALOT.

But ultimately, I was glad I didn't cancel on today.

The Ikea trip was an ordinary trip.. nothing special but it was a pretty good breather for me. Lately, I've always felt like my body's on an auto-pilot mode so a change in environment, even if it was a temporary one like this, helped.

As we were strolling down the aisles, we stumbled upon this show room that was meant for a single occupant. The room wasn't big.. only 22 sq. metre but it was beautiful - An ideal size for a man and perhaps, it's dog or cat.

That's what Ikea does to you, doesn't it? It starts turning the wheels in your head and makes you want so much to own your own apartment quickly. I reckon that a room that size, or maybe even smaller would be perfect for me but.. money money money, always funny, in a rich man's world.

Anyways, the 3 of us have been spending farrr too much time together this week. I can safely say we haven't gone for more than 2 days without seeing each other. And it does come as a shock because Emily and I weren't exactly buddy-buddy material to begin with. Not that we are now either but I'm glad that things are the way they are. Not close enough to confide in them; but close enough to spend time together without having awkward moments.

There are many times in life where we look back and regret not cherishing those moments. I know i should start treasuring my time now before I find a job, look back and regret not enjoying my unemployed life. But still, somewhere in me, I know bigger things are waiting for me out there. And i'm totally wasting my time not pursuing them.

But then again, you gotta be rich to be crazy, right?

On a lighter note, Sharen and Evelyn ( Taiwanese girls i met at ynp ) sent me postcards from NYC and it arrived today. Totally made my day. :)

Sidenote: Old faithful closed for the season yesterday.

Oh why don't you just take me where I've never been before.

Friend or foe? How can you ever tell?

Have you ever given your trust completely to a person. Even though he or she has failed you time and time again. Only to see history repeat itself?

Have you ever given your all into something, only to be met with confusion and more questions?

Have you ever felt like your mind was operating in a fixated mode? Where other opinions were inpenetrable only to realize that everything was wrong to begin with?

Have you ever felt like a fool?

Conviction. That's a fool's journey.

I wonder if it's only the food that's giving my stomach this constant pain.

Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road.

Time grabs you by the wrist
directs you where to go.

So make the best of this test
and don't ask why.

It's not a question
but a lesson learned in time.

It's something unpredictable
but in the end it's right,

I hope you had the time of your life.

EXTREMEMLY sleep deprived.

Fuck this.
I want to go back to before I left Singapore.

Was talking to Julie today.

Julie's a Taiwanese girl I met over at Old Faithful. Apart from her very mature disposition, perhaps the coolest thing about Julie is that she's living the life I want.. and finding no problem with that.

I really admire Julie's determination and how she's in control of her life. She has a degree in Psychology; she's applying for grad school in America and guess what, she's into community service as well. All without the 100% support from her family. Once, I asked her how she was able to convince her parents to let her do it. And her response was, " This is my life and I know what I want. I will not let anyone stop me from achieving what I want because if I do, they will all become excuses for me to be lazy. "

Then she smiled.

I can still remember that look in her eyes.

Somehow, that look sparked up that fire again. And it reminded me of how much satisfaction I've gotten out of the Chiang Mai and Nanjing trip. Pudong wasn't a bad trip, except, I still feel like the whole 'power-struggle' thing and the responsibility of making sure everyone was safe and enjoying themselves etc eroded the whole meaning of that trip, at least for me. In a way, I failed in bringing out that, " make others happy and you will be happy " sentiment in the team.

So anyway, Julie wants to serve in Africa before she goes back to the states to study. And she has been going all out in finding the right organization. She has finally found it and she has asked me to join her - But it costs over 3000 USD to participate in that program. I wish I had that kind of money.

Come to think of it, she's probably the only person I know who feels the same way about undertaking a project like this. And you know the beauty of it all? It's how much more satisfying a trip like this would be when we are just mere participants.

Julie's like a reminder from somewhere up there, to stop finding excuses, and start materializing my words.

It's time to step out of my comfort zone once more.

Well, if you want to sing out,
sing out.
And if you want to be free,
be free.

I can only turn to you now.

Pissed and ready to kick ass.

I swear there are times where I feel like I am relay system here - only the relay system and nothing else. Neither capable of having my own stand nor capable of saying or doing anything except to get the blame.

Alvin recently got himself a motorcycle.. secretly.
Mother's been preaching to us since we were young on how she will never let her children ride a bike.
So i became the relay person.. each asking me to convince the other party.

Eventually, mother blamed it on me.. over and over again. She either insinuated that I encouraged him to buy it or directly told me how i haven't stopped him.

I hated that tone in her voice.

Truth is, I never knew he was taking lessons much less owning a bike until hours before the bike came. And fuck it, I was goddamn worried myself.

Then grandma and sui ku fought last night. She apparantly wants to disown him for not being there when the aircon man came to install a new unit. She was trembling so bad with anger last night. At one point, I was pretty sure she was at the brink of bursting into tears.

But mum ran away. She came back home, leaving me there alone to let grandma yell at.

And when I saw her, surprise surprise.. she blamed me for going to the gym and not being at home to help grandma.

I really hated that tone in her voice.

And guess what,
1) I never knew they bought an aircon.
2) Grandma was the one who nagged at me the whole morning to go to the gym because i was getting fat.


Seriously, I've never seen a more hypocritical group of people before.
I mean, maybe it's worst out there in the working world. But this is a family for crying out loud. A family who's too blinded by favourtism and their own egos.

Since that first and last fight i've had with mother after I came back, I've been taking the backseat when it comes to anything with this family. And I loved it. I love how I've found the perfect place to stay away from them all. And I don't even have to lie. I just have to do stuff to keep me healthy. It's a win-win situation!

And by taking the silent role, I hear almost every gossip about one another. And it's like.. in front of each another, they say one thing. Behind their backs, another. OMG. This is not a work place - this is a bloody family.

Except for favourtism, I can find no other reason why everyone's stepping on each other.

Even my mum!

Hell, I still don't understand why she makes such a big issue about me wanting to leave. I mean, she complains to random stranger on how she's still trying to convince me to stay... when i'm standing right there! I was referred to the third person when I was listening to it. How stupid did she take me?

But she told Alvin that she thinks it's better for her if I leave.
Alright.. then please stop pulling that pity card on me. And stop planning our future together.

I really don't get you, woman.

And Alex tells Alvin that the whole bike thing is cool. But tells mother that Alvin's always behaving so irresponsibly.

Sui ku tells us how Sui Kim's a crazy woman. But he always hides behind her when he's in trouble.. and she never once turned him down.

OMG. too much politics!

I want out. out out out.

Masquerade,
paper faces on parade.
Masquerade,
Hide your face so the world will never find you.

Softly, deftly music shall caress you.
Hear it, feel it secretly poseess you.
Open up you mind let your fantasies unwind -
In this darkness which you know you cannot fight.

The darkness of the music of the night.

Never felt like I have to be an older sibling till now.

I hate myself for mocking Ris Low but you just have to join in the fun when National TV starts doing shit like this.

My Way.

Yes there were times - I'm sure you knew.
When I bit off, more than I could chew.
but through it all, when there was doubt.
I ate it up - and spit it out!
Let the record show - I took the blow.

and did it MY WAY.

I remember the night at Bozeman's Inn.

Jumping up after being blanked out by the amount of drinks we had, taking a OR more than a second to re-orientate and to recall what just happened.And last but not least, realizing that "today's the day".

The moment my head started to clear, I could hear the everyday sounds that were masked out by the day. The aircon was buzzing, the clock was ticking, Joe and Matej were snoring.

Apart from hearing stuff, I could feel it too - the air was cold, the floor was hard and my head was still slightly spinning.

There was a kind of fear within - I guess that's what the fear of losing felt like.

Decided thereafter to take a hike; to go out and get some fresh air.
But as soon as I set foot out of the room, I felt the reluctance to leave.
It was, afterall, the last night to be.. around.

One of a sample interview question went, " what's the hardest decision to make? "
I guess it would probably be choosing between what you need to do and what you want to do; choosing between following your conscience and following your heart - especially when both are contridicting each other.

Did manage to head out eventually, after maybe 1 glance... 2 glances.. no, probably 3 glances back into the dark darrkk room.
It was cold out. REAL cold. Only halfway down the stairs and I was already tempted to turn back.

But somehow, my legs were deciding that night. Went for a walk along the streets, round a turn, round another turn and through a path before I reached the stairway again. Come to think of it, I must be real brave to do that at 4am!

The walk didn't work.
I still felt like shit.
And when I opened the door to return,
the queasyness returned.

This time for an entirely different reason though.
It was nice to see everyone asleep and in some ways, enjoying their night.
It sucked to remember that that was the last night time image i was going to have.

Two conflicting emotions - how do you choose?


So why am I bringing this up at 3am, the night before a major interview?

Because..

I was on my bed trying real hard to zzz..
Yet all I can hear is the clock ticking, the aircon buzzing, fan whirling and mother, snoring.

I don't like this feeling.

Started a new book recently and it has words like Ibuprofen, Advil, Grateful Dead and Granola. Words whose meaning I would never understand before America - or before meeting Mara, Kelsey, Orval and again, Orval respectively.

Makes me wonder how I was able to speed past those words in the past.

Anyways, I've been having weird pangs of emotions tonight. Amongst them all, the more frequent ones were guilt, stupidity and in-filialty. Suddenly feel like a useless prick who has spent the past 22 years doing absolutely nothing meaningful at all. I'm really too protected here. Can't even break free without having to have to fight between what I want and what my conscience says.

Expectations overload.

I'm pretty sure this is due to the upcoming interview though. It's the exact same fear I have before every major paper. And the thing is I don't understand why i should feel that way.

There were pressure from exams because I can't afford to repeat any modules but this - I mean, there's no immediate threat to anything if i screw this up. Yet, I can't screw it.

Always have problems dealing with stress like this.

Wish I could be as brave as Mara.

If you can't catch a wave,
then you're never gonna ride it.