I remember the night at Bozeman's Inn.

Jumping up after being blanked out by the amount of drinks we had, taking a OR more than a second to re-orientate and to recall what just happened.And last but not least, realizing that "today's the day".

The moment my head started to clear, I could hear the everyday sounds that were masked out by the day. The aircon was buzzing, the clock was ticking, Joe and Matej were snoring.

Apart from hearing stuff, I could feel it too - the air was cold, the floor was hard and my head was still slightly spinning.

There was a kind of fear within - I guess that's what the fear of losing felt like.

Decided thereafter to take a hike; to go out and get some fresh air.
But as soon as I set foot out of the room, I felt the reluctance to leave.
It was, afterall, the last night to be.. around.

One of a sample interview question went, " what's the hardest decision to make? "
I guess it would probably be choosing between what you need to do and what you want to do; choosing between following your conscience and following your heart - especially when both are contridicting each other.

Did manage to head out eventually, after maybe 1 glance... 2 glances.. no, probably 3 glances back into the dark darrkk room.
It was cold out. REAL cold. Only halfway down the stairs and I was already tempted to turn back.

But somehow, my legs were deciding that night. Went for a walk along the streets, round a turn, round another turn and through a path before I reached the stairway again. Come to think of it, I must be real brave to do that at 4am!

The walk didn't work.
I still felt like shit.
And when I opened the door to return,
the queasyness returned.

This time for an entirely different reason though.
It was nice to see everyone asleep and in some ways, enjoying their night.
It sucked to remember that that was the last night time image i was going to have.

Two conflicting emotions - how do you choose?


So why am I bringing this up at 3am, the night before a major interview?

Because..

I was on my bed trying real hard to zzz..
Yet all I can hear is the clock ticking, the aircon buzzing, fan whirling and mother, snoring.

I don't like this feeling.