Saturday, March 26, 2011

What's my place don't know my place miss my place.
W m I doing here

Friday, March 25, 2011

Have you ever felt like you know how to play a game, but u refuse to play the game.. because you want it to not be a game?


Lets welcome back the Type-save-type-save-type-save period again.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

I've always thought that hitting the limit might be a kind of a liberation.

If you think about it theoretically, it should be as simple as tipping over the edge.. no?


Looks like it actually means letting things haunt you all day, everyday.

I forgot to consider that climb to the peak. Or that one drip or one nudge to knock you overboard.

That blow may be huge as well.

Maybe this time it really is one time too often.

I'm starting to think that I can't give her the happiness she desires. Or evoke the type of laughter I thought I could.

She needs someone with a big enough heart.
-- I don't have that.

It's really tough this time.
I haven't had this much problem getting rid of the impressions and the image before.
Whether she like to call it that way or not, that was a choice.

And I.. need to be a little bit more selfish.

I'm not my strongest right now.
There's her, there's work, there's friendship... A lil too much in one seating.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my own ego.
And instead of blogging about how her decisions are affecting me, I would very much prefer to talk about how a perfectly bad day was changed to an imperfectly good one.

Once in a while it's nice to seek solace in a safety net.
One that doesn't forsake me when the opportunity arises..
And one that I can provide a safety net for at other times as well.

But lately, I can't make her laugh or smile or be happy.
And at that moment, it's mainly my fault for being unable to step outta the cells in my mind.

Beginning to wonder if I'm expecting too much outta her.
Or if by trying to make her improve, I'm making her change when she don't want to.

As much as I am upset at what happened,
I have to also remind myself that I may not be the one who can bring her the same kind of satisfaction.

So much doubts.
If I were his friend, I would tell him that it's the best time for him to swoop in and rescue her like the hero he is.


Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Fuck the 'I's!
If there's commanding respect amongst friends, at r/s and at work,
then the problem must be me.

When Tay was pushing blames again this evening, I had the highest tendency yet to throw the letter. As of when I ended lessons last night.

I hate engaging in showdowns in the office. Especially when everyone is around.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

While I was sitting at the usual spot last night, I had the sudden urge to curl up into a ball and sleep there and then. Even if I couldn't, I would at least force my eyes shut and keep my back to something steady. Something reliable. Something that won't bite.

I don't feel safe around the people I used to feel safe with anymore. And it sucks to feel like that.

palm's front also flesh, palm's back also flesh.

The people whom I need support from don't give what I need because the support I'm asking them to give is also not supporting me. Ha. Esther's gonna chimono-fy me again if she ever sees this. Basically, it'a kinda like me against the world right now.

Oh the pressure.
Oh the visions.

How can they be of rival teams but yet assert the same amount of stress at the same time?

god I'm having so much trouble shaking it off this time.
One time too many.

I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
And, see what there is to see
And time is just a melody
All the people in the street
Walk as fast as their feet can take them
I just roll through town
And though my windows got a view
The frame I'm looking through
Seems to have no concern for now

So for now

I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown

Monday, March 21, 2011


Sunday, March 20, 2011

Sia la. Like issuing a tsunami alert to myself.

but nvm. I is brave like Lion King!
In the lap of her lover.
Every weekend, I hold that glimpse of hope that she will finally do something different and take control and not disappoint me.

But week after week, it's the same. It started out with mere jealousy. But now it's more like a reality check.. A way to hold me back and remind me of my place after the emotional deceit I receive each week.

It's the intent of her rendezvous that drives me crazy and not her hanging out with him that bothers me so much now. What is her intent? To hang out of obligation? Or to have a wild ride? What do they do? How did she expect me to take it? And how was I supposed to react when I always find out they do more than what she tells me they do? Why can't she just be truthful about what she's thinking / doing / saying?

I blame myself all the time for appearing so possessive and unrelenting. For being so distrustful. I blamed myself last night. I blamed myself the night before. I blame myself for thinking I have a say in this when he is the OFFICIAL one. I tried to be nonchalant n let it not bother me. And I even considered sensibly talking to her about it.. in the hope of working something out. But all for fuck?

All for fuck.

So this was what you wanted?
Make me feel like I colour your world, show him he colours yours..
And then take turns?

It's one thing to ask me to be patient while you try to figure things out.
It's another to ask me to do that so you can have your cake and eat it.
If you cared enough for me, you wouldn't have wanted to put me through this.

Maybe he's cool with it.
Maybe you are too.

But I'm not.
I have more dignity than that.

She taught me that action speaks louder than words.

She was right.

The day she finds out how much I knew and know will be the day this will past the point of no return.

And I'm sensing my fuse stretching thin.

I was willing to let so many things pass. I was seeing a change in her. But apparantly the bottomline still exists - She still see's me a mere toy. Her spare tire.

So what am I to do? Continue playing the fool?

It's not only words that constitutes lies. To convey a false impression is equally as guilty.

If he's gonna be the one who makes you happy,
why don't you just make that fucking choice?

Coz I don't wanna always be led to thinking I can make you smile.. when I'm only your runner-up.

You, in retrospect, meant the world to me.
I wish I could promise you'd stay that way.
But you are slowlyblowing it.

And that hurts me as much as it might hurt you.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Well i'm finally finally finally out of words.
多余的牺牲- 她.不.懂.心疼

Thursday, March 17, 2011

They say that a friend will support you in whatever you are doing.

If you start feeling pressured by them, does that make them any less a friend? Or does that make you the stupid one?

When xie was with a certain J, i hear she gave up the world she knew and retreated into her own cave.

But did she give up on her world, or did her world give up on her?

Why won't anyone believe the change? Can't they understand the stress they are asserting.

This was precisely why I had to hide.

Can't trust words anymore.

What did people say when things unfolded?

" we only wanted it if it made you happy. "


" don't bother. Period. "

Power la.
Both sides win.
Seeking comfort in Jason Mraz.
Good music, a warm cuppa tea and secret glances at meaningful things on my desk.
What more to ask for on a cold spiritually lethargic morning right.

So vexed lately.
I find no more will to fight.

WooL carried a joke too far last night. And I think it has unwittingly evolved into an ego war.
They are probably waiting for me to appease them.
But the thing is, I see no fault in what happened yesterday.
It is not like it happened overnight - I have always maintained radio silence between those hours. And I've been encouraging them to do the same thing when they are out with their loved ones as well.
So basically, I made no change yesterday.
But they decided on their own to test me last night. To see if I would contact them - which I would eventually.
Granted, they were worried. And I appreciated that - even though i thought it slightly strange to be worried on a random night.

But to test me?


Do they not know me?

It feels like they are doing to me what they were so strongly advocating against the past months.

Anyway, I did try to ease the tension last night. But maybe I've been doing it wrong all my life. Maybe i've apologized too often before.. and I didn't say those words last night. And maybe that's why they are reacting this way now.

Things will probably work out eventually. I just don't understand why I have to say I care . 10 yrs man. I thought we have moved beyond that.

Do I not have any say in my life at all. Why am I always trapped in all these circles of obligations? Can't I choose who and what my obligations are?

Maybe Poink was right before. I have so many people to account to and for, I won't be able to hang on.

In recent weeks, I have felt like my dignity, my respect and my pride has been compromised beyond my own acceptable level. It's not pertaining to certain instances anymore. I feel it deep within me now.

Like it or not, I think I'm starting to despise myself.

But I know better to than dwell in those thoughts.

So I guess for now, it's

Ah la la la la la la
life is wonderful.
Ah la la la la la la
life goes full circles.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Not the one my ass.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Food for thought.

Have you ever realized that in some aspects of life, we sometimes take a short cut and choose the easier way out but by doing so, we lose valuable lessons along the way? Take my driving for example. Had I not decide to take class 3A back then, biking lessons would probably be more of a breeze right now. Or I would have been able to drive Mdm Yati's car when I first passed. Or how car rentals would have been cheaper, and with more options back then. Likewise, the same principle can be applied for many other areas in life, can't it?

Haha. I've got to stop letting my thoughts go all over the place.

It was a night down memory lane today.

In what would've been a romantic night, we went down to the Singapore Flyer for a taste of the old school days. She brought me to dinner at an ah-ma's-era themed hawker complete with food vendors on push carts and a stall selling things like old cameras, old type-writers, old phones, old beer dispenser and many more.

I loved it.

The food wasn't too delicious but the ambiance and the setting kinda made up for it. It was a waste I didn't have a proper camera with me though.

Following dinner, we took a beautiful ride around the giant Ferris Wheel and walked along a fraction of the Grand Prix before resting at a nearby shed as I did my take 5s.

While I had fun walking through 'history', I knew at the same time, we were also creating history. And I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad.

Whichever the case, tonight is definitely gonna leave a mark on my own memory lane.

Don't get me wrong, it was a great night - I liked where I was and who I was with. But at the same time, I couldn't help but notice the nagging feeling of how I shouldn't be the one who's there. Like it was wrong of me to. And that bothered me very much.

I think that little nudge during the weekend triggered something. I'm still not certain what it was but a familiar emotion is threatening to emerge. Like a de javu of sorts. It's hard to pin point what it is exactly but even without this knowledge, I'm already feeling mentally exhausted.

So not looking forward to the full blown effect.

ANYWAY, once we got into the shed, we started talking about random stuffs. Amongst which were the times when Eng was still around.. and how I sought solace in her room and in her companionship when things were going tough then.

Recalling some of those moments brought about a concoction of mixed emotions. On the one hand, to replay some of the scenes in my mind again was like ripping off the stitches to an old wound. There were instances or two where I remembered how it felt like to be as worthless as how Gaga or mother put me as. But on the other, the chat also served to remind me of how I might have changed and learned to see people and to see colleagues in a different light over the months.

Most importantly, it reminded me of how, with god's grace, I've managed to cross paths with some remarkable people along the way.

It is times like these do I ask myself if the decision to stay at CM then was my easier or not so easy way out afterall.

OKK, what I'm trying to say is not coming out right but I am shagged to the core. Till next time then.

Goodnight me folks.

Monday, March 14, 2011

1. to
hold in esteem or honor
2. to show regard or consideration for

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Straddling on and building circles of.

Friday, March 11, 2011

Yesterday was a good day except for the hiccups at work and at cdc. Yet as I strolled home, I couldn't help but realize I was feeling a weeeee bit emo. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the job, maybe it was the disappointment at lesson or maybe it was the impending weekends.

I don't really know.
But usually switching to a livelier music on the iPod helps. Not yesterday though. At that moment, those songs only served to bore me. I suddenly became enthusiastic on songs with a stronger beat, to lyrics on pain, to words that are so beautifully crafted, you'd think it came from a poem.

Lately I often find myself swimming in a whole new realm I've never been in before.

Once again, I browsed through the pictures of them together last night. Just to gauge how I fair on my mind-over-matter measure.

I don't know when I'd let my guard down and I don't know if I dare to - even if I wanted to.

Much as I think it's the fact that she is still in a relationship, I think alot of it has to do with me as well. It is a "it takes both hands to clap" thing.

I don't and probably won't understand how she can feel the way I feel when she's still with another. It sounds unfair to piece together a piece of the past to a piece of the present - especially when these are from 2 (or 3) different jigsaw puzzles but the pieces are too similar and that sends back to me eerie remnants of a long ago story that didn't quite end off too well.

I'm really not the possessive sort ( or at least I THINK I'm not. ) but I get uncomfortable when I know she's with him. Yet, weighing out this discomfort and having being kept in the dark, I'd choose the former anytime. Hate how it's like to discover you're being lied to. But then I'd ask myself again if choosing between both is even necessary or a should-be.

At the same time though, I know I have issues to work through on my own as well. It's starting to look like the 2 before poink had a repercussive impact on me. It's hard to describe how it feels like but it definitely puts me on tenterhooks. And all these combined with the pain of the last CNY-period saga completely brings out another more skeptical and semi-paranoid side of me I've perhaps never seen before.

Paranoid not in the YOU-STAY-BY-MY-SIDE-ALL-THE-TIME-!!!!! paranoid but the sigh-whatever-you-want-whatever-you-say-whatever-you-like type.

I think I sound rude to her in our messages. It's really not on purpose. But with the knowledge that on one other end, he is talking to her as well, I don't know how to talk nicely. I'm really not being spiteful and all - I just think it's tiring for her and I feel a leeeettle bit stupid being funny when he might be making her laugh as well. Again, hard to explain.

This is all too foreign and yet too familiar to me.

Contrary to maybe popular believe though, my life is not just about relationship as well. At least it's starting to not be..

Work sucks.
And I say it with a passion.

It is stagnant, invasive, non-progressive and non-money making.
Day in day out, old people throw work at us - well, mostly me now ever since mai mai "banged table" - just because we are younger. It is the culture here that bores! There is no motivation or drive to do something beyond or to challenge yourself because it gets you no where but into a larger pile of mess.

Things only get fun on the rare occasions Mai and I have something to complete together. It's how we can complement each other's job that creates that short burst of motivation. When we are rushing for the same deadline, we take over different parts of the job without the need to say much. That's mo qi for you and that's what the office and maybe even what the school lacks.

That was also what disappeared from this pseudo marketing department when Eng left.

MOST MOST MOST importantly, where for art thou pay?

When I don't get my pay, I get a little angsty because money is security afterall. But then again, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my pay because the lack of motivation at work makes me day dream and blog all the time so when the money comes, I get hit by a sudden ( but brief! ) pang of guilt.

Many times though, I can't help but feel like it's a reciprocal thing:

1) Because they are stingy on their pay and welfare, I don't do my best.
2) Because I don't do my best, they are reluctant to pay.
3) Because they are reluctant to pay, I do even less.

and so on and so forth.

It just seems like a downward spiral to me.

God, I need more excitement. I need to move around, to solve problems, to have fun and not degenerate into one of those old office woman!

I think I should be a fireman.

What a messed up post.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Vroom vroom seems so far away.

The Original London Cast of THE LION KING


Now with less than half my pay in, I have more reasons to kiss Lion King byebye.

Wednesday, March 09, 2011

So stretched, so tired, so uncomfortable.

So exhausted I wanna give in and let her hold me for a bit without the need for fear or skepticism.

But there's always the potent combination of old wounds and invisible scars that frightens a whole loada shit outta me.
To get to my desk in the office, I have to choose to enter from one of two doors:

Choose the front door and you get chased for blog updates.
Choose the rear, and you get chased for monthly and weekly reports.

And all of which hinges completely on whether Centres are cooperating.


sidenote: Celia left today. Waterworks from them both and all. Don't feel like saying more.
Dare you trust the music of the night?

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

Just done with a steamboat session with Celia and wichan. Solem day today. We still had fun and it's always a joy to talk kok with em but anyone can see that deep sense of dread looming in the air.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hated goodbyes? Feels like someone's leaving Yellowstone all over again. Of course not as drastic but Celia and I bonded very much over e last few nights at yellowstone and I'm suddenly hit with that experience of bidding farewell once more.

All through my 3 mths at yellowstone, I've always only known Celia as that crazy Taiwanese living beside me who throws ice down my back when I'm not looking and cooks me noodles at night when I'm hungry.

We only truly grew closer on e last couple of nights when I was rushing kelsey's photo album. I remember how she kept making fun of my poor art sense and was all dramatic at my ugly cut outs. That night she decided to stay up with me for company and to tidy up the unsightful lose ends of the album. At the same time, we were also waiting for the sun to rise so we wouldn't fall asleep and miss Ben's departure after breakfast.

We listened to many Singapore music that night and she kept laughing at our terrible Chinese accent. As dawn neared, our eyelids started growing heavy too. The last conscious memory was of that pack of coyotes howling outside (which kinda spooked us a lil) before we both dozed off for a while. Think I was half on e bed while she was half on a chair. We jumped up tog after maybe 5 mins? And decided to squeeze onto my bed for a quick snooze. Problem was, I forgot Kelsey was supposed to wake me e next morn which she coincidentally remembered for the rare instances in her life. She burst through my door all chirpy that morn to me n Celia jumping out from under the covers. Haha. Must've been a funny sight.

That one night made goodbye a million times harder.

When I was at Bozeman with matej, Kelsey, karolina, Agata and Joe on e final night, i missed the Taiwanese girls really bad. I loved the company I had around me, of course. But thr's also a part of me that wondered what the rest were up to.

When I was back at sunny tiny singapore, Celia constantly skyped me and that went on all the way to Taiwan where she took a train ride all by herself frm Taichung to Taipei just to pick me back to Taichung immediately. We had great fun together there and she showed me the local life of Taiwan students when I was there.

Unfortunately, my hosting capabilities were like a million times worse that what she gave. I thought one month was long.. But with just a blink of the eye, she's leaving.

If it's unbelievable for me, it must be worse for wichan and her. As they took turns to pick food for the steamboat this evening, I chatted with each party and both were saying how they have been avoiding talking about celia's nearing departure. It's easy to give them advices and make them nod about being hopeful for the real test to come but god knows how tough it's gonna be.

Good thing to note though, is their faith, trust and respect in each other. It's nice to see how they both took turns taking care of each other. How they were rough but at the same time tender to the other.

Celia and wichan's visit has shown and taught me alot. I've perceived many things at yet another perspective.

It's a blessing.

Celia says she doesn't want me to send her off coz she'll cry really badly. But I don wanna not send her off too.

I hate goodbyes.

Very tired today. Like inside out tired.

Goodnight world.

Monday, March 07, 2011

It is very hard to talk in colors when you know
you're not the ONLY one doing it.
First bike lesson this afternoon and I loved it.

That's all that matters.

Friday, March 04, 2011

Haven't sat here for quite some time. Thought after the last saga, I wouldn't be coming here again.

Its been good. Really have been and if it were another, I would've seized the opportunity.

But this time I'm scared. I don even know if scared is an apt word anymore.. Seemed to have used it so often it seems to have nullified the meaning of it.

Once bitten, twice shy they say. Eventually it's the good times that has the sharpest blade.

But oooh how thy heart aches.

But I'm not even letting myself think too much now. Either that or I've been to sleepy to think. Coz eventually when judgment day comes, I know I won't be able to say yes to sharing something that's supposed to be so magical.

And on the same note, who knows if it's even my choice to say yes or no too.

The other day I blasted "as the deer" while I skimmed through some of their photos I've seen. Not a good feeling I must say. But I shan't comment today. I'm just too tired and commenting makes one think and thinking makes one wonder and then the whole cycle will evolve.

In other news though, despite the week being good, its been physically exhausting as well. Monday night's little rendezvous with Judy and a couple of others frm work drained me and I'm still suffering from the aftereffects of it.

Two 830s and a field trip is just about enough to wrinkle this old soul. Heh heh. Where is the life and spirit a 24 yr old should have?

I feel like I cannot cope with the work load anymore. Maybe I'm not that competent, or maybe I'm just plain lazy but the pile ups's looking a little more than what my plate can hold.

Which also makes me wonder if i'm going to be like this for the bulk of my life. Am I going to forever be complacent or will I push my boundaries? How do I know the difference?

I really miss sipadan and yellowstone. They are 2 different experiences but both are oh-so-great.

At yellowstone, I felt young. Like life was just screaming outta me. I decide what path to take everyday and things were slow-mo. Great to be outta touch frm the world enough to breathe on my own and still contactable like maybe once a fortnight.

Sipadan was slow too. But the shiokness of rolling off the boat, descending into the water, exploring the less humid side of nature and ascending with satisfaction and enough lethargy is undescribible. Not forgetting the assurances she was giving then. Mmm hmmm. Perfecto.

But i'm no longer living in the past as well. I know brilliance like that is well over. Sipadan has passed and so has yellowstone.

Still, it doesn't hurt to dream every once in a while does it?

Right now though, this rusty fella gotta get up and pee and brave myself for the nxt 2 days.

Have a good weekend folks!
We'll see k.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Woke up suddenly having thoughts of the weekend in my mind.

Of them having a ball of a time,
of her staying over or falling asleep at his place. In his embrace.
of them being intimate.

Reallllly don wanna go through that again.

Gonna enjoy my bonus trip to the butterfly park and get busy with my thousand and one plans.


Good day, everyone.

Romance and all its strategy
Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides.