Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Years' eve everyone.

All over facebook, people's statuses are changing - mostly whining about how bad 2010 is.

But what about Auld Lang Syne?

Every major festivals - like Christmas, bday, Chinese new year, English new year, I'll always wonder if this would be the last one I'd be going through. This year's no different. The only thing different is that this time, I'm in too much of a daze to give it too much thoughts.

In 2010, everything was unplanned. Every step I took could on one hand.. Be described as a reluctance to make a decision, as guo yi tian shuan yi tian. But on the other, it could also be seen as various leaps of faith.

Afterall, it was in 2010 that I started my first full time job. It was in 2010 that I started having earning power and hence spending power. And it was in 2010 that I have more control over my life.

But I don't know if I am indeed capable of running my own life.

I have always wanted a laid back life where I enjoy my work, where I do my part for the family, where I'm always there for my friends and where I still have the time to do the things I like to do.

Before I started work, my target was to save up most of the money I earn for a possible trip back to yellowstone. Back to where life was the lightest for me.

I even made plans to save EXTRA money to go on various getaway trips to nearby islands, to Taiwan, to Malaysia, to bintan's etc. I wanted to live a life of fun and of experiences and many photographic memories.

Alas, things didn't turn out exactly the way I wanted it to be.

I did go to taiwan, I did go on really really really small trips but life pretty much revolved around work and people FROM work. Family ties were broken. 10 years worth of friendship were put to the test.

And most importantly, I think I've never despised myself so badly before.

But am I sad about it? Honestly? I don't think so. I am disappointed in myself. I am sorry for having no integrity, dignity nor loyalty. But I really don't think 2010 was a bad year.

That's why I don really understand why there can be a bad year anymore. Could there really be one.. Or is it us who usually focuses on e bad stuff?

Whichever the case, this is one thing I don't think I want the answers to.


Happy New Year everyone.
May 2011 be an even better year.

Love Xie.

..and the weekend comes.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Thank you for a KA-POW!, :))) day.

Given the chance, given the rights,
I would've loved to ask you to join us tomorrow.

Goodnight everyone.
Peace, Mai.

Hate that I don't know how to console Mai.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

it just doesn't FEEL right leaving you sick alone at home even though I THINK I shouldn't be here this evening.

So I'm following the feel. But I swear everytime I hear a bike go by, my heart skips a beat. And my mind backtracks to the time when she went missing... For reasons I'm still completely unaware of. haha. I really should try letting THAT go. but that was a huge turning point wasn't it? It wont be that easy.

Oh how i cheapen myself sometimes. One day when I wake up from this, I'm going to be so embarassed at my lack of self-worth, I'd probably don a mask and smash every mirror like how the phantom does.


The bosses are outta town this week and half or more of the people in the office are either on leave, mc or maternity. Things are sloowwwwww moving and though I'm not really complaining about the pace, things still seem a little lopsided. It's like everyone is treating this as the calmity before the storm.

And it doesn't help when lotsa teachers are down with illnesses and the supervisor is giving no hoot about it.

The morale is low and negativity is rising amongst everyone. Sometimes it makes me pretty uncomfortable to hear some of the conversations going on in the office not because I don't like gossips (they DO spice up the working environment!) but because I hate how demoralized and hopeless everyone feels when we realize that the situation at the wrk place will not improve.

Try as we may, things will nt have a proper system as long as the ones taking the lead do not start listening and stop hearing. And it sucks to realize this after each brainstorming session... After going through all of some of the older folk's self-praise especially.

No, seriously - Most old people at work goes one round, two rounds, three rounds ultimately just to hint at us on how incredible they are.. And how the company wouldn't be able to survive without them. Sometimes they get so blatant with their hints, I find myself wondering why they don just say it straight in our faces instead.

Where is the WE spirit man?

oh no. poor again. :(
Get well soon.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Forgot how nice it was to have a book in my hands and my old fav tunes blasting in my ears once in a while.

Throw in one cuppa hot tea now and things would be perfecto.

Monday, December 27, 2010

Why is the cough making my back hurt so bad?

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Can't stand being home.

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Happy birthday Jesus.
Thanks for all the love.

Friday, December 24, 2010

The epitome of Christmas.

Since my head is spinning and I am in absolute no mood or condition to work, I'm gonna let my emoness take the lead.

Christmas 2010 is the ONLY christmas I have without any feel. And it's also perhaps my most trying time in the year. Strange as it is, I think I've been through a greater low in life than what I'm going through now. Nevertheless, I hope things change soon enough and that I will one day see what this period means. You know how they say that everything happens for a reason? I'm hoping I'd like the "reason."

I miss how comfortable we were. And the trust we had. I wish we could stop thinking and start acting but who's to know what to do?

At the same time, I am also aware of and am appreciative of ur efforts to step up and bridge the gap(?) - for lack of better words. Haha. Or in another words, the fact that you are now hiding less and less stuff. Don't give up. I can see you doing greater things and I can see the potential you have if you're willing to make the change. But I worry how the lure of staying in ur comfort zone may drag you down again.

Whichever the case, know that I get upset and I get angry and all because I care. because I get EXTREMELY insecure what with all the images in my head. and because I'm maybe a little afraid. but I can't say it to your face can I? Too uncool.


I miss my friends. And I still feel like I've let them down a whole lot. My friends who have shown me unending care and concern. I dare say what happened on sat was the final straw. No doubt they still put in the effort, but how do you accept it when guilt's eating you throughout?

My pride, my guilt and my stubbornness is what will cause me to lose them all.

But sometimes I wonder if this is what I have to do. Because if I were to choose again, I'd probably have made the same choice.

I have to do this. And I hope y'all will understand why.

Still cherish u guys.

Work's been insane! In the close to one yr here, I probably enjoyed the concert most. It's the only time I see the end in mind. I see how important it is for every "department" to work together and I see the fruits of the labour. Otherwise, I hate my job scope. I'm bored with the endless paperwork and reports. I'm sick of the sai kangs and I cannot stand sitting on my ass the whole day long. The lucky thing is I met some good people. I lost some good people too but we gotta count our blessings every now and then don't we?

I can probably list the sames of the people worth mentioning here - that's how little. But there's no need to. They know who they are.

The strongest desire to leave home is perhaps now.
I cannot accept how everyone is shifting in together.

you the best, man.
you and charlene, even better. haha.
Thanks for always watching my back.

Always will be the best days of my life.

oh wow. This is getting longer and more guniang than I thought it would be.
What Christmas? I might as well reserve this post for the new year.

The medicine is wearing off. Gotta run.

Merry Christmas everyone.
If I ever say I yearn to be sick again, kick me in the face.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Miserably sick. :(

He's back.

And so is she.

Thought I saw some improvements in her.
But then she said some things that took me by surprise.
Be it just a passing thought or more, I'm fucking disappointed.
and in more ways than one.

I have no rights to comment.. nor any rights to anything for that matter.
but I have to say that it seems like he's fueling your escapism.
And I don't think that's good for you.

But you know what,
If you prefer this kinda lifestyle then so be it.

Like I've said,
I have no rights to interfere.

If you want it, I will leave you.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Hello you.
Do you think I can pull through this?

I'm losing my friends.
I'm losing my family.
I'm losing my ability to handle the workload.
I'm losing self-respect.

And all for god knows what reason.

I need some way to constantly remind myself that there are bigger things out there to worry about.
But it'll be swell to have your touch right now.
Coz I'm so blardy tired..
and I could do with some faith, some courage and some hope.

Because he runs your life,
you are running mine.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

My head hurts like mad.

Can't deal with e jealousy and insecurity out, can't deal with e shoutings and everybody's "i wants" in and I cant deal with my irresponsibility within. More importantly, i can't deal with e need to pretend for everyone.

Sometimes e baggage is really not that heavy..... But it'll be nice to take it off once in a while.

Wanna lose my conscience and my consciousness for just one day. Just one day.

Come on soft rock weekend, do your magic.
Because there are way too much doubts, too much misunderstandings and (mis)conceptions/perceptions, I feel the need to protect her from the people who cares so much about me.

But I think I'm losing them all along the way.
Disappointed in myself. I've let them down.

Friday, December 17, 2010

I hate Fridays.

It's like every corner I turned, ppl were dying to squeeze some work out for me to do.

Misery likes company. But why do I always have to be THE company?

I wanna be selfish without feeling selfish!
Sometimes I do wonder if I'm sacrificing a little too much for the NOW.

What used to be fun have evolved into your convenience.

Coz you see, I'm starting to get a lil bit edgy, a lil bit confused and a lil bit unhappy with the mind-guessing. With the varying body language. And the dissociation between words and actions.

I need to reserve some self-respect for myself.

This morning, the family wanted to send alex and myself to work. But I rejected it yet again. Just so we could have a little ride together. But then, I can't help but wonder if you're just here because he's not. And what in the world is gonna happen when he comes back?

Am I just your super convenient spare tire?

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Just my pang of sissyness talking.

There are some friends I know I can never live without.. despite having the need to leave for abit.
Feels like our problem is we don't talk through the problems nesting in our minds.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Losing everyone and everything around me. And I'm not even sure f it's worth it.

Starting to hate looks of things. Including my own guts. As in.. inside.

It's the ultimate fusion of disappointing myself, disappointing others around me and all for no rhyme or reason.

If it's always anger, frustration and cofusion, why stick around?

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Dear god.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Trust issues.

Tuesday, December 07, 2010

I am so angry these days.

So filled with doubts and assumptions. It's bad enough to feel like trust is disappearing but you mix this with assumptions - and a whole cocktail of jealousy, of anger, and of self-protection just brews on it's on. In some ways, I feel like someone has just opened pandora's box. My pandora's box.

How can things change so much in just a couple of days.

I wish less thoughts were and are being put in my head right now. because i just cant keep going through this every weekend.

Trust thy heart.
I jumped outta bed at 4 today feeling like I'm lacking in a whole load of self worth.

kinda need a dad right now.

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Your actions and your words do not tally.

But then again, neither does mine.

We need a lil bit'a trust.

I know because I'm not stupid. And many a-times I feel like taking a hike.

But then it's a first time in a long time where I take a look at the face, think of the worst case scenario and still feel like hey, it's worth it.

... DIE LA!

Saturday, December 04, 2010

Long time since I had dinner, or a proper meal with the family. Had one tonight.

And I remember why I've not been around.

Feels like I'm from the 2nd grade family when we reach. Feels like I'm the bottom grade child when we sit.

Which only makes me wonder what to expect when 5 people and 2 animals shift in next month.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Am I just this?
Full of lies.