Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thank you, thank you.
A million times thank you.
Such beauty... and yet deadly."
Such wonders, such calm. such joy.
Yet it feels more like the final meal before an inmate hangs.
i can't read your body language.
but you seem to be the only one who can make my eyelids heavy.
you know how I always say if I wanted something hard enough, I 'll get it sooner or later.. even if it's after wanting it?
You think it'll work if I started wanting what I want sooner rather than later?
my mind.. is in a whirlpool of words.
Changes don't inch in bit by bit.
And I feel like I'm struggling for air.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Friday, May 27, 2011
Recalling Sean nee
Recalling void deck
Recalling the motorbike
Recalling mai's first day
Recalling first scare
Recalling second scare
Recalling third scare
Recaling empty spaces
Grace Lora Sharon. Feel like i'm drowning.
Not the kinda emotion I'm supposed to have.
And it's not coz of CM.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
I just wanted her attention then. And I opted the wrong path.
But as I grew older, my conscience bit back harder.
I was lucky only because she didn't turn the cops on me then. I would've been in alot of trouble. That was how big the deal was.
And still, I took it for granted and lived with that lie. I even carried it to the generations after. My ONLY act of redemption was an annoyomous apology to the people involved each year, for many years after.
I was an asshole. I still am.
And 2 weeks ago, I had a reality check.
Pau's death.. the abruptness of it made me fear the reality AND possibility of dropping dead without making up for my misdeeds. And my daily bad habits just increases that possibility like only a thousand times.
I panicked. Admist the grieve then, I was also scared. When news of pau's death hit me right in the middle of a frustrating ride, I not only felt the shock and lost, I also felt like a scumbag. Even though it had nth to do with pau. Weird time to feel that way, I know. But it's hard to explain how weird emotions hit u randomly. I guess that's when you realize how important some matters are to you. At least it seemed to me like I had to do smth about it.
I hated that kang kang was out galavanting when it happened. I hated that I couldn't reach her when I needed her. I hated it very much. And truth be told, i regreted contacting her immediately. For expecting her comfort. At least for a while.. Until I realized that it will always be like this. She would only be almost here.
I hated that reality. And i So badly wanted to punch walls again.
That whole week was a mess. My mind was fried.
But a couple of painful days later, I took my first baby step to coming clean. It wasn't all smooth like it would be in the movies and i hit a huge wall along the way but on the whole, it went alright. Very reality kind. We have still been in contact but we've always had our qualms, awkwardness and distrust. Still, it was one step closer to apologizing and addressing the issues. To be honest, I just wanted to selfishly ease my conscience but she was nice about it. We didnt address the issue per se, we spoke in riddles and I can sense the hesistation she had in trusting me abt it but she was very kind and forgiving. And she tried to sound assuring, like how she did when we first started talking again, that she had put that matter behind her.
I didn't feel good immediately, and I still don feel like a saint now. But I'm still glad I took that step.
Lately, kang kang and I reminds me of those days. Not in the dark way. But that it's a retribution of my past actions.
But again, with all honesty, I think that on one hand this is retribution, on the other, I can't help but feel like kang to Her bf, to me, and to herself was how I was before. All separately n Less evil, no doubt. But the similarity exists.
I couldnt let go of that person because, i was in comfort. And i couldnt deal with losing. I was uncertain of my path in life and I wanted everything in my possession. And that I feel, FEEL, is what she has w her bf.
I really don't know much about their r/s, I dono what she told me before were e truth n I have no right to pass that kinda comment but the fact that after only a few months, ah Bert n her bf broke up just so she can be with Aloy n alvin's Korean chick broke up just to e with him makes me feel so much worse.
I want to be a supporting sister and listen to not only his woes but also his joy. Yet when he started telling me what happened, I had to shut him up. I know he didnt and wouldn't blame me but I still feel like a unsupportive, immature sister no less.
But I just couldn't deal with being the inferior good in our tri-partite relationship.
Back then, I blamed the world for everything. I blamed her for leaving me, god for abandoning me, I blamed and blamed and blamed and never self reflected. Even if I did, it was all for show. But I knew I didn't mean it. That, again what I FEEL, is kang to herself.
And finally, to me, this is what I think is repeating history: Back then, our feelings to the other was to spite one another. To la sai so the conversation wouldn't turn stale.
Isn't that what's happening now? We stab one another. But nth gets solved.
Of course, It may not all be true. But I can't deny that a part of me feels like we are seeing things on different level because I've done it myself before.
And i was worse. I was a scumbag!
And this is my retribution.
I have had good and bad days since we parted. I guess you could say life has been rather hectic. My days have been packed frm the moment I got up till I shut my eyes. I have been kept busy with activities. I managed to do the same 2 routes, plus additional cycling w ks, night cycling with loo n gang, had a gd lunch with ah Bert, had a one hr rendezvous with Sharen, had my nightly indulgence, met mai's replacement, tried ks's Bibimap, had a short chat with ht, badminton etc etc etc. So much activities I could feel like a whole new person.
But how much truth is there to that I wonder. Am I busy enjoying my days or am i trying to keep myself occupied so I can end each day peacefully?
Falling asleep is no longer a problem. It's the staying asleep I'm afraid of. And the waking up. Ohh the waking up.
Mother recenty revamped the room to kang's concept she did months back. I loved it with all the privacy and bedside wonders. and when I saw it for the first time, my first instinct was to snap a picture to send it to kang.
But HAH. what's to send to who?!
I had to delete that picture.
If I focus on the good things, things are not that bad. Perspective again. Anyone can do it. But u know how it's not so easy to see things half glass full all the time. Takes lotsa will power. And I'm really very tired.
There are times where I really feel like picking up my phone and giving her a call. But thinking of how she's gonna hurt me again and not realize it makes me stop in my track.
I really miss the happy moments. but i also dread the hurtful ones. And While she made me feel worse about myself throughout the year, she also made me feel like I want to be someone better. Fitter, richer, mature-er.
So how do you make the shot?
There's a quote in free willy 3 that goes like this:
"Do you have to do the right thing even if it hurts?
That's what makes doing the right thing hard."
So this is how it feels like.
Well surprise surprise, I don't like it.
".. wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms,
or perhaps something as simple as not being second."
- The Notebook.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Regrets I have none. Just a huge dash of disappointment.
I am tired of the questions teachers have of me. I am sick of meeting their doubtful eyed when they ask me of you. They don't believe that I don't know how ill you are. Or sound. Only letchmi believes. Only she defends.
You just leave me facing your music.
But if I can miraculously meet someone who is bravely facing the breakup of a 3 yr relationship today - at work no less - why can't I face about a yr of this so called "infactuation" or not-so-relationship?
Why should I give a damn to someone who doesn't give a damn about me.
All you have to do is run into safe heaven whenever trouble hits you. And it's what you do all the time.
Who's to blame? You are surrounded with people who cozies you. Who spoils you. I was guilty of that too..
But have you really spared a thought for those who have invested hope, faith, believe.. and feelings for you?
I thought u were different. I saw hope, future and potential in you.
Angry, I still am. But not as much as the disappointment I have.
Not as much as.
Well, run to your safety net then. That's a big deal to you. It has always been about you anyway. What difference does it make now?
Who did I know before?
Not like him, I'm an oldies gal.
I hope you're glad you've done me in.
Take good care of her.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
i thought, i thought, i thought. I thought deep and hard!
but little did I expect you to allow history to repeat itself.. much less so fucking soon after we spoke about it. I can't believe I let you do this to me again. I can't believe I spent the past few days trying to understand how you think. And I can't believe how I can't run away from how real the pain is even when in sleep. Is that all you see me as? Someone to feed some lame excuse or scream at just to have it your way before completely disregarding the entire conversation? Disregarding what it meant to me! How could I be so stupid. Disappointment is an even sharper cut than just jealousy.
Well done, you. you've got your thrill.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
What are words?
Its been a crazy 2 weeks. And I’ve been craving good music.
I haven’t been listening to most of my tracks since all the drama started. Haven’t had the mood, haven’t got the time, haven’t got the energy.
But I did so today. And I don’t know if it’s good or bad. Most songs.. had memories.
Kang kang and I… came a long way too, I guess.
There are too many things I can’t let go. Too many things I don’t know about her. And as I counted
votes survey results (too much GE drama!), I put on those songs that I used to listen to, am still listening to and had hoped and reserved for better times.
I think if I were to put them all together, I can come out with one, if not, TWO, soundtracks for our very own The ShaVon Movie. Maybe our movie could even be made a musical!
I’ve got a (or mannnnyyy) tune(s) for every phase. Lyrics, that completely relates and music that still shoots me back to yesterday-s.
These songs describe our journey. And like how all great movies are, the first songs are the soft ones. One filled with hope, with mischief and with courage to venture into the great unknown.
I still listen to the songs I put on loop when we first got close; Songs that reminds me of the first time she made me cringe from the wheezy butterflies in my belly, the music I blasted whilst showering after the first time I sent her back; our nights out together; The first time she popped a stupid question that made me come clean to myself (oh, and to Mai and Ks and Xie and Lene and HT – who reacted with a very nonchalant – I told you so. thankyouverymuch.)
I was like a king! And I saw my name in shinning light!
The first challenge was when he started coming back I guess. I started to feel… slightly used. Slightly insecure. And slightly confused. Keane sneaked in then to remind me that everybody’s changing.
But then the music got rough. Offspring rough. She had to disappear. She took us as fools as we fussed, fumed and got worried about what happened to her. While I went on one of the greatest rollercoaster rides I’ve ever had, friends and colleagues who had initially been worried started to get mad and disappointed. In this phase, they were the beautiful notes – the ones that drew calm from the noise. And more surprisingly, I stumbled upon the perfect song to match that moment. To match how I felt when I found out that she went for a movie with him while everyone was still trying to makes sense. When fed-up colleagues still tried to reach out to her for fear that she may really be having some problems. When she left me hanging.
Things got melancholic thereafter. My greatest leap of faith yet. With Yellowstone, I knew I wanted that. But with million dollar baby.. this was the test. Should I trust her or should I not?
I took the plunge. (Insert OSTs from city of angels.)
And despite all the red flags raging in me, despite everyone’s caution, I remember constantly telling myself to place trust in her.. since I chose this path.
When I play the songs I listened to during PGL’s parenting talk the first week she was back, I still remember that pain of abandonment. I still feel sick in my gut. I still despise myself in the same way creep did. Then I turned to one or two church songs – the very little I know. The music I played the whole night.. one of the times I was stuck in the car under her block. The ones I used to replace prayers I couldn’t say.
With time, things got better. The music was melodious again! Peace to the world! And things got a little cheena as well. These were the good KL days. The HZGG days where I would annoy everyone in the office, annoy Mai and annoy about everyone staying in the apartment with us with my renditions of ni shi feng er, wo shi sha. Those were happy days. It was irritating that she was texting non –stop. But it was one of the calmest times ever. Even listening to it now brings a kind of calm in me. And of course, of how I made lineline go gaga over it as well.
But you know how all good things come to an end?
Everytime he was back, she’d go. Whenever he’s off, she’d come back. This went on and on.. until KS ‘slapped’ me awake. I was fighting with my mum, I was fighting with my friends, I was fighting with myself. And all just to be a spare tire.
I needed answers.
But all she could answer me then was… “ close close friend. ” All other questions she didn’t give a hoot. All whilst in his arms. But I held hope. Despite all the negative connotations, I imagined me and her. And I had the movie as inspiration. How cool was that?!
She didn’t leave as well. And I was more focused on that than how cheap I felt. And at the same time, how convinced I was of being better than him. Better for her than him. Evita came into play then. I believed that I’d be surprisingly good for her. And it was good indeed. Despite my insecurities and my confusion with her contradicting actions, the songs were calming, bouncy and filled with life.
I decided to Stay.
And I fell over. I was thinking of her day in day out. I was finding excuses for her. I was angry.. but I could never ever tell her that I was. I was losing more and more. Losing, in fact, more than I gained. But that very little I gained, I loved.
Xie showed up again here. Xie and Lene accepted her. They accepted that I was not going anywhere. And so did Mai and KS. Even though they were less than willing to, Mai and KS accepted my decision. It was this period of time where I wasn’t even hiding my feelings towards her anymore.
We started to get busy with Concert. Things were a little woozy here. Too much clouds in my head as we holedown throwdown-ed. Drama erupted in the K2 class as woosa polluted the school. Everywhere everyday every morning – woosa here woosa there. And I didn’t even know what that meant! – exactly like how I was feeling then.
I remember her glow on stage that night. I remember feeling so proud. And I remember Mai smacking me hard on the head when I said that out loud. Ass.
Even though I knew she was at his place that night.. I couldn’t be bothered to get affected by it too much. I let it pass. Guess I was holding on to some hope. Happy la, I was.
After concert, it was period of Hai Dai Tian Xin? I dono.. some Taiwan show. I liked it very much. For a while that is. Until I discovered more things. Now I hate that show. Sadly after getting Xie and Lene hooked onto it. Xie even made me play it for one of our failed music making sessions! Faint.
2011 came. Things went off on a good start. Except for the same… anger. Insecurity. Yada yada yada. All the same things.
I went to Sipadan. Beautiful Sipadan. She made feel so.. important. So possible to have something without being overly-sticky. So assured that we could have trust. I felt Lucky.
But just like the China trip, things were… va va voom after I came back. One day I was happy with the way she was talking to me, the next, she hid things. One, two, three..
For the first time since handing her the benefit of the doubts, I feel her slowly straddling outta the circle of trust. I was starting to doubt her words. Her pass lies suddenly came flooding back. I started questioning many things she told me previously.
And she proved all her words wrong.
I was mad. I was pissed and disappointed. I was… I felt like I needed a little respect when I was weak. I loved the way she lie when I was fed with rage.
I wanted to 放手，放开所有.
She made her choice, didn’t she? She was on the Island king of love.
Or so she said I thought she was.
Leaving her then was a real pain. I had to listen to a lot a lot a lot a lot ALOT of songs of strength. Chinese, English.. and I’m sure if I knew any malay ones.. I’ll take it as well.
But one super duper embarrassing event later, we came clean.
And again, (albeit falling asleep halfway through!) she made promises. She asked for time.
I prayed. And I believed.
For a while, it was all classical music all around. Love story, Romance de Amor. Pain hidden in comfort. Super cheesy days.
But I knew I was happy when I had the same cringy feel sometimes when we touched.
From there on, it was happy, not happy, happy, not happy. She was very nice. She tried her best to assure me, she tried to not do what I did not like. She was great.
But I guess she tried to make him happy as well. And quite obviously, our likes and dislikes would clash.
So she hid stuff from me again. And she stayed at his place... and not just once. Even after we spoke about it. This time it’s different though. It wasn’t like the times before. We were supposed to have a respect for one another. Try as I might, I couldn’t swallow it. I let the first one go. We went on a real nice date on the flyer. But I really couldn’t swallow it.
Jason Mraz kept me in check a little. But come the week after, BOOMZ! ONE MORE TIME! I swear I could do a little El Tango De Roxanne here.
God. I wasn’t just angry. I was tired as well. Like exasperated. And dong li huo che and Richie Ren told me to 算了吧，就这样忘了吧。Those were the Mr Nice Guys. Rihanna, on the other hand, asked her to take a bow.
But on good days, I just feel like a certain Mr Brightside.
So I guess from there on, things.. were/are rocky. I have been afraid of being vulnerable to her again. I don’t not care. But I don’t dare to care either.
Paulnana’s death.. well, it shook me. And when I couldn’t reach her, I guess.. I finally experienced what it meant to be too tired to move spiritually.
Songs these days are a little more varied. They are my cycling tracks. The emo kind. The soft rock kind. Mixed with all the old ones. And many more HZGGs.
I like my current playlist - long nights, little girl, taylor swift.. you name it I have it. But I especially like what are words.
That song speaks.
This journey… has reminded me very much of my mum. Of my family. And how I’m always the compromisable one. But anger aside, I’m also starting to wonder if I am the reason why people treat me this way. Is it my lack of self-discovery that’s making people spit down at me?
On the flip side though, you also get to see who respects your choices and who doesn’t. You win some, you lose some.
So why am I talking so much?
We made a very tough decision yesterday. At least for me, it was.
And I'm not having the best of times now.
But regretful or not, I don’t think I could stand being a spare tire… or an insignificant another for much longer.
I know, I know she's not as bad. And I can't say I don't miss her.
Guess I just didn’t matter enough.
And anyway, I think she’s coping better than I am.
One step at a time, one foot after another.
heh. Maybe we should name our album..
Monday, May 09, 2011
I'm still looking at paulnana's fb profile.
When jin died, I felt like it was a terrible waste. At 15, she hasn't done much. Again, we couldn't over cry. We had the Prelims to focus on. We had the council to take care of. We had to be the pillar for our juniors. They were counting on us for directions. But for paulina, without the juniors, why are we still trying to be strong? Why do I feel so strongly about holding it back for ppl like Wenxi and Joanne? What is this sense of comfort - that she didn't had to go through much pain. That this was what she wanted?
But still, despite this knowledge, it aches.
Paulina's death has brought about.. A lot of uncertainties. Alot of questions. Alot of regrets, Alot of fears.
One week is perhaps about time I snapped outta it. Mourning is such an overused word, it doesn't even feel right to mourn.
I very much want to grieve. But you know you can't when everyone is celebrating her life, and not mourning the loss.
You'd think that after jin, surprises like these would not affect you anymore. That is such a wrong concept. You'll never know how it feels like to lose a friend... Until you lose a friend. Where do they go? How did they feel?
But if there's a silver lining to her death, it is this:
Her death has brought about a greater faith in god. We see her making a scene in heaven.. Making whoever's waiting for us, whoever's waiting for their loved ones, laugh. And she must be irritating the shit outta the early departed now.
That is so paulnana. The pau I knew, the pau I hear she still is.
But how do you describe the loss you feel as well? Close friend or not, once close friend and now no longer or not, acquaintance or not, how do you express the loss of someone you knew? Someone you used to laugh with and hang out with? Someone who thanked you profusely just coz you cut short a much anticipated trip around the country with the rest so she catch her breath? It was my duty to make that call, pau. But you were respectful. You were thankful. You blamed yourself. And I didn't say enough to comfort you.
Tried ecp again the other day.
That was a deep sense of dread. Like as you approached it, you lose all energy. It was a painful ride. One I never want to go through again. But Mai was right, I had to overcome it.
And I'm glad I did.
So I pray. In god's name, I pray. For Paulina.. For her family, for her best friend, for everyone who misses her and hate themselves for being lazy to call on her.
May they continue to find peace and unexplained calmness in the parting of someone so dear and someone so miraculous.
Pau, may you enjoy his kingdom.
Her pastor said the other day at her funeral.. there are no lights in heaven. Yet there is no darkness in heaven either. For our father is so glorious he makes it bright.
For the first time in my 24 years, I related to it. That's all I remember.
But sometimes I can't find his light. I feel his warmth alright.. But where is the light? The thing that illuminates it all?
Although I'm glad I had a eventful, self-making weekend, I think I'm starting to experience the effects of sleep deprevation. 2 hours of sleep a day is killng. But I can't sleep. Do you know that? I can't sleep.
I feel like I'm not fully utilizing my youth. I'm not seizing the day nor taking control of my life.
I am nothing but a mere dog, being dragged around by a leash. All day, everyday.
Where is my dignity? What is my right?
Do you understand the pain of losing again and again? Losing in life, and losing through death. If you are going to lose all one day, why not lose all now once and for all?
No one will understand how it feels like. To feel it but also knowing that you're not supposed to be feeling it.
Oxymorons again. For they so fill the world.
Gambai my friends.
Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'
The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.
To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.
This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
The same night whitening the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.
I no longer love her, true, but how I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear..
Another's. She will be another's. As she once belonged to my kisses.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.
I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.
Because on nights like this I held her in my arms
my soul is lost without her.
Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.
-- Pablo Neruda.