What are words?

Its been a crazy 2 weeks. And I’ve been craving good music.

I haven’t been listening to most of my tracks since all the drama started. Haven’t had the mood, haven’t got the time, haven’t got the energy.

But I did so today. And I don’t know if it’s good or bad. Most songs.. had memories.

Kang kang and I… came a long way too, I guess.

There are too many things I can’t let go. Too many things I don’t know about her. And as I counted votes survey results (too much GE drama!), I put on those songs that I used to listen to, am still listening to and had hoped and reserved for better times.

I think if I were to put them all together, I can come out with one, if not, TWO, soundtracks for our very own The ShaVon Movie. Maybe our movie could even be made a musical!

I’ve got a (or mannnnyyy) tune(s) for every phase. Lyrics, that completely relates and music that still shoots me back to yesterday-s.

These songs describe our journey. And like how all great movies are, the first songs are the soft ones. One filled with hope, with mischief and with courage to venture into the great unknown.

I still listen to the songs I put on loop when we first got close; Songs that reminds me of the first time she made me cringe from the wheezy butterflies in my belly, the music I blasted whilst showering after the first time I sent her back; our nights out together; The first time she popped a stupid question that made me come clean to myself (oh, and to Mai and Ks and Xie and Lene and HT – who reacted with a very nonchalant – I told you so. thankyouverymuch.)

I was like a king! And I saw my name in shinning light!

The first challenge was when he started coming back I guess. I started to feel… slightly used. Slightly insecure. And slightly confused. Keane sneaked in then to remind me that everybody’s changing.

But then the music got rough. Offspring rough. She had to disappear. She took us as fools as we fussed, fumed and got worried about what happened to her. While I went on one of the greatest rollercoaster rides I’ve ever had, friends and colleagues who had initially been worried started to get mad and disappointed. In this phase, they were the beautiful notes – the ones that drew calm from the noise. And more surprisingly, I stumbled upon the perfect song to match that moment. To match how I felt when I found out that she went for a movie with him while everyone was still trying to makes sense. When fed-up colleagues still tried to reach out to her for fear that she may really be having some problems. When she left me hanging.

Things got melancholic thereafter. My greatest leap of faith yet. With Yellowstone, I knew I wanted that. But with million dollar baby.. this was the test. Should I trust her or should I not?

I took the plunge. (Insert OSTs from city of angels.)

And despite all the red flags raging in me, despite everyone’s caution, I remember constantly telling myself to place trust in her.. since I chose this path.

When I play the songs I listened to during PGL’s parenting talk the first week she was back, I still remember that pain of abandonment. I still feel sick in my gut. I still despise myself in the same way creep did. Then I turned to one or two church songs – the very little I know. The music I played the whole night.. one of the times I was stuck in the car under her block. The ones I used to replace prayers I couldn’t say.

With time, things got better. The music was melodious again! Peace to the world! And things got a little cheena as well. These were the good KL days. The HZGG days where I would annoy everyone in the office, annoy Mai and annoy about everyone staying in the apartment with us with my renditions of ni shi feng er, wo shi sha. Those were happy days. It was irritating that she was texting non –stop. But it was one of the calmest times ever. Even listening to it now brings a kind of calm in me. And of course, of how I made lineline go gaga over it as well.

But you know how all good things come to an end?

Everytime he was back, she’d go. Whenever he’s off, she’d come back. This went on and on.. until KS ‘slapped’ me awake. I was fighting with my mum, I was fighting with my friends, I was fighting with myself. And all just to be a spare tire.

I needed answers.

But all she could answer me then was… “ close close friend. ” All other questions she didn’t give a hoot. All whilst in his arms. But I held hope. Despite all the negative connotations, I imagined me and her. And I had the movie as inspiration. How cool was that?!

She didn’t leave as well. And I was more focused on that than how cheap I felt. And at the same time, how convinced I was of being better than him. Better for her than him. Evita came into play then. I believed that I’d be surprisingly good for her. And it was good indeed. Despite my insecurities and my confusion with her contradicting actions, the songs were calming, bouncy and filled with life.

I decided to Stay.

And I fell over. I was thinking of her day in day out. I was finding excuses for her. I was angry.. but I could never ever tell her that I was. I was losing more and more. Losing, in fact, more than I gained. But that very little I gained, I loved.

Xie showed up again here. Xie and Lene accepted her. They accepted that I was not going anywhere. And so did Mai and KS. Even though they were less than willing to, Mai and KS accepted my decision. It was this period of time where I wasn’t even hiding my feelings towards her anymore.

We started to get busy with Concert. Things were a little woozy here. Too much clouds in my head as we holedown throwdown-ed. Drama erupted in the K2 class as woosa polluted the school. Everywhere everyday every morning – woosa here woosa there. And I didn’t even know what that meant! – exactly like how I was feeling then.

I remember her glow on stage that night. I remember feeling so proud. And I remember Mai smacking me hard on the head when I said that out loud. Ass.

Even though I knew she was at his place that night.. I couldn’t be bothered to get affected by it too much. I let it pass. Guess I was holding on to some hope. Happy la, I was.

After concert, it was period of Hai Dai Tian Xin? I dono.. some Taiwan show. I liked it very much. For a while that is. Until I discovered more things. Now I hate that show. Sadly after getting Xie and Lene hooked onto it. Xie even made me play it for one of our failed music making sessions! Faint.

2011 came. Things went off on a good start. Except for the same… anger. Insecurity. Yada yada yada. All the same things.

I went to Sipadan. Beautiful Sipadan. She made feel so.. important. So possible to have something without being overly-sticky. So assured that we could have trust. I felt Lucky.

But just like the China trip, things were… va va voom after I came back. One day I was happy with the way she was talking to me, the next, she hid things. One, two, three..

For the first time since handing her the benefit of the doubts, I feel her slowly straddling outta the circle of trust. I was starting to doubt her words. Her pass lies suddenly came flooding back. I started questioning many things she told me previously.

And she proved all her words wrong.

I was mad. I was pissed and disappointed. I was… I felt like I needed a little respect when I was weak. I loved the way she lie when I was fed with rage.

I wanted to 放手，放开所有.

She made her choice, didn’t she? She was on the Island king of love.

Or so she said I thought she was.

Leaving her then was a real pain. I had to listen to a lot a lot a lot a lot ALOT of songs of strength. Chinese, English.. and I’m sure if I knew any malay ones.. I’ll take it as well.

But one super duper embarrassing event later, we came clean.

And again, (albeit falling asleep halfway through!) she made promises. She asked for time.

Words, again.

I prayed. And I believed.

For a while, it was all classical music all around. Love story, Romance de Amor. Pain hidden in comfort. Super cheesy days.

But I knew I was happy when I had the same cringy feel sometimes when we touched.

From there on, it was happy, not happy, happy, not happy. She was very nice. She tried her best to assure me, she tried to not do what I did not like. She was great.

But I guess she tried to make him happy as well. And quite obviously, our likes and dislikes would clash.

So she hid stuff from me again. And she stayed at his place... and not just once. Even after we spoke about it. This time it’s different though. It wasn’t like the times before. We were supposed to have a respect for one another. Try as I might, I couldn’t swallow it. I let the first one go. We went on a real nice date on the flyer. But I really couldn’t swallow it.

Jason Mraz kept me in check a little. But come the week after, BOOMZ! ONE MORE TIME! I swear I could do a little El Tango De Roxanne here.

God. I wasn’t just angry. I was tired as well. Like exasperated. And dong li huo che and Richie Ren told me to 算了吧，就这样忘了吧。Those were the Mr Nice Guys. Rihanna, on the other hand, asked her to take a bow.

But on good days, I just feel like a certain Mr Brightside.

So I guess from there on, things.. were/are rocky. I have been afraid of being vulnerable to her again. I don’t not care. But I don’t dare to care either.

Paulnana’s death.. well, it shook me. And when I couldn’t reach her, I guess.. I finally experienced what it meant to be too tired to move spiritually.

Songs these days are a little more varied. They are my cycling tracks. The emo kind. The soft rock kind. Mixed with all the old ones. And many more HZGGs.

I like my current playlist - long nights, little girl, taylor swift.. you name it I have it. But I especially like what are words.

That song speaks.

This journey… has reminded me very much of my mum. Of my family. And how I’m always the compromisable one. But anger aside, I’m also starting to wonder if I am the reason why people treat me this way. Is it my lack of self-discovery that’s making people spit down at me?

On the flip side though, you also get to see who respects your choices and who doesn’t. You win some, you lose some.

So why am I talking so much?

....

We made a very tough decision yesterday. At least for me, it was.

And I'm not having the best of times now.

But regretful or not, I don’t think I could stand being a spare tire… or an insignificant another for much longer.

I know, I know she's not as bad. And I can't say I don't miss her.

Guess I just didn’t matter enough.

And anyway, I think she’s coping better than I am.

One step at a time, one foot after another.

heh. Maybe we should name our album..

Strangers, again.