where do I begin?

Cannot stop thinking of the conversation(s) with Pegion at dinner last night.

Pegion and I haven't had the best of fate in recent years. Ever since post-uni, it's either she's at a gathering and I'm not, I'm at a gathering and she's not or we're BOTH not at the gathering. The group have been trying hard to get us two together but it still took us months before we could meet for about an hour yesterday.

But even with the long-time-no-see-ness, once we started talking, we S.T.A.R.T.E.D talking.

maybe meeting Pegion yesterday was god sent. For what purpose, I still don't know. But it did get me really riffled up.. especially today. Since it's the weekend, since I barely just returned from Sipadan n since I know things I don't wanna know.

By telling me her own story, I am able to get a better glimpse of her point of view. Not that I've never thought of these before.. but ah bert's recollection of what she's going through was like giving voice to the thoughts in my head. Like a reassurance or sort... but not entirely in the orgh sayang sayang form.

On one hand, there is a sense of relief to have someone first-hand reaffirm your thoughts. Yet on the other, it's scary because I don't know which voice to listen to, I don't know what it means and I really feel how it must be difficult for her too.

For a brief moment yesterday, I envisioned how comforted both girls would perhaps feel if they get to relief their emotions to one another.

Someone once told me that I may be the only party feeling so guilty/confused because he may be standing at one corner saying " heh heh heh. Loser. She's still my girlfriend. " or she may be telling him " that's just a fool. You're still my boyfriend. "

Like ouch.

Realities likes these come and goes. And I guess I'm in the 'come' period now.

Back in m'sia, I was too tired to entertain dubious thoughts like these. And even if they managed to squeeze their way in, like a sperm through an embryo (not sure why the analogy!), I felt confident enough to trust her. To respect her. To believe that she knows that I was and am thinking of her.

But now that I'm back, I find myself struggling again. And this time it's not entirely her fault. It's my internal demons I am mostly battling with.

My distrustful nature is unfair to her. I hate that I have to consciously put in effort to believe her. And it's not like I don't trust her because honestly, I do so - more now than ever before. But there's always this red flag waving in me. Asking the conscious side of me if I'm letting my guards down too much. Telling me to weigh between being fair to her and watching my own back. Reminding me of the times I stumbled upon things I didn't want to and shouldn't know but hurt nonetheless.

Flashbacks of those times sometimes makes me wonder if i'm giving her the opportunity to do the same thing again.

But as soon as those thoughts come, I feel compelled to shut myself up, bury them somewhere deep within and take that simple leap of faith. That's what it's supposed to be isn't it? No one will ever be sure. My concern though, is this lingering nagging sensation in me. One that only alleviates only when she's around or when I hear her voice. Is this what insecurity is supposed to feel like?

Haven't had fear like these for a long time and I really don't know why it's back. Are these the after-effects of the trip? Is it because my expectations are higher? Because I've met my sane friends again or because it's time for ALL of us to face it?

I don't wanna have these thoughts / doubts / whatever-you-call-em. The need to constantly tell myself that the possibility of her pulling the same stunt is not high and that I shouldn't be thinking of things like that is making me very tired because a huge part of me trust her not merely by will-power but also by sensation -by 'trust' in all its entirety.

It's the past that haunts me, really. And that past escalates whatever actions that are done now. It's really not fair to her, or to me.

oh this is all too tiring.

That's why I hope, with all my heart, that Pegion does not allow things to escalate to my level. But if there's one thing I know about Pegion, it's her courage and willingness to face all obstacles thrown her way. And I see that coming from her even as she was speaking yesterday. Despite her obligation and commitmental issues, I'm sure that once she has figured out what she wants, she will bravely face it.

I'm rooting for you Pegion.

Fuck you fuck you fuck you.
I'm sick of it.
SICK OF IT!

Told u I'ld go through a mental trauma when I'm back.

Stepped into school today with a huge sense of dread. Meeting cindy this trip made me contemplate further on what I've been doing with my life. They are vetting designs, approving designs, and earning money for their leisure activities. They are talking about attending meetings abroad and about staff retreats.

I, on the other hand, am here stappling comm books.

Even mai's friend who's holding a tourism degree but main job is replying random enquiry emails in another company is raking in $2.9k a month.

I reply enquiry emails too! So where's my 2.9?

Money's nt that imp if there's growth, joy and satisfaction in a job.

What do I have?

Mai and my million dollar baby.

Putting aside the job scope, I'm also once again struggling with this whole deal.

I'm happy being with her. Very very happy. Very very VERY happy.

But it's like I finally took a week to forget about the whole jealousy thing. And I'm not sure if I want it back.

I don wanna go through 2nd guessing her again. Or letting my mind run wild. Or feeling thorn between guilt and desire.

I don wanna fight without knowing if I should.

Wanna trust her the way I did at Sipadan.

Who would wanna go through these?

Oh god.
go away you mental struggles so I can stay.
OR
come to me bravery so I can go.

so it still stings when I stumble upon Hilda's song.

Finally done will all the posts. And they're airing dalang on tv! Decided to stay in bed for the rest of the morning. Wahaha. So shioks.

Fateeeeee?

1. Alone in the hotel room waiting for flight to come whilst everyoneelse is on their way to level 3/4 white water rafting.
2. Awake since 6:45!
3. Hotel not as scary as I thought it to be last night.
4. Contemplating between heading to the local market, slacking by the nearby starbucks, foot massage, walking about or nuaing in bed.
5. Starving.
6. Cold aircon reminds me of yellowstone mornings.
7. Miss yellowstone mornings/evenings/afternoons/everything/everyone.
8. Just battled a juvenile (NOT baby) cockroach crawling up the wall.
9. Killed it. ROAR.
10. Watching some old western movie. Ain't that bad.
11. Wishing there's room service.
12. Peeling.
13. Sad to leave such a satisfying holiday but looking forward to seeing million dollar baby. Like reallllyyy looking forward.
14. Know given time I could possibly live without but still looking forward.
14. Hating the thought of work.
15. Afraid of the mental struggles/insecurities/mind games when I get back.
16. Have I mentioned I'm looking forward to see her?
17. i NEED to do this more often.
18. Still looking forward. haha

1. Fell asleep before packing the night before.
2. Got up at 5 to do it.
3. Met the rest near 745.
4. Had breakfast, settled bills and got Irene to sign our dive logs.
5. Watched and shared horror incidents. Crazy.
6. Took some final pictures, derrick n Cindy shared their dive experiences with Irene and we were on our way.
7. Boat, van, plane.
8. There's smth comfortable about travelling on the roads of malaysia.
9. Checked into hotel.
10. Walked through KK's market
11. Had a good and cheap seafood dinner. RM145 for 6!! Crab, 2 veg, fish, mantis shrimp ( the shrimp they were taking pains to find at Sipadan. )
12. 2 hr massage following dinner. Oooooh.
13. Fun company this trip.
14. Ray's such a gentleman on land. Always making sure I'm not last in line and looking out for me even when he's right in front just coz I'm carrying a camera. Of course, being the youngest has its advantages too. Haha.
15. Very nice of Susan to plan n arrange for such a brilliant transport and accomodation for the trip. Very modest lady.
16. Cindy watches out for everyone when we are underwater and uses her experieces to the advantage of everyone. Oh and super hilarious when crossing the road and passing random comments.
17. Derrick's one huge joker who laughs at everything and anything. Including his wife. Nice to have him around to perk everyone up when we're exhausted.
18. Travelling with Alex is better than I expected it to be. He's not the best but he's good enough. But I think this is the longest we can travel together. Haha. Gets awkward once in a while.
19. Suddenly remember constantly hearing 'lucky' whilst diving. Gonna listen to it now!

Bye guys.

1. Final diving day.
2. 3 day dives. All diving activities to stop by noon to prepare for flight on e following day.
3. All 3 dives to search for micro fishes etc
4. Don like micro diving in general. Never know what I'm looking at, everyone crowds together to take pictures and by accident, we all kick sand up reducing the vis by another 3m. AT LEAST.
5. first dive at froggy lair, mabul.
6. Underwater village. Many many houses on stilts and fishes weaving about.
7. Saw a snake eel.
8. Snake eel swam below me.
9. I panicked.
10. Snake eel approached me!
11. Saw a huggggeeeee grouper.
12. Grouper trailed us.
13. I looked for abit and brought my attention away.
14. Alex tapped at me and pointed behind.
15. Giant grouper was ALSO coming towards me!
16. Bloop bloop bloop.
17. Surfaced to Susan's laughter over the grouper incident. Then alex laughed. Then Ray. Then everybodyelse.
18. Back to rig. Fell aslp on the tanning chair.
19. Boring 2nd dive. Except for the blue spotted Ray. The rest got high on the mantis shrimp. Tiny little shrimp.
20. Rested for lunch. Huge lunch. We ate a grouper.
21. I took aloootttt of grouper meat. Muahaha.
22. 3rd dive started bad ended best.
23. Went down with water flooding my goggles.
24. Seawater stings eyes in sea.
25. Hard to dive with a flooding google. No mask clearing was enough and every breath out lead to water gushing in. Stinging.
26. Kicked Cindy in the face for at least 3 times while adjusting the mask.
27. Found alex. Checked my mask n found the flap stuck at the side.
28. Clear vision at last.
29. Missed a few good shrimp sightings.
30. Alex, Derrick and myself got separated from the rest while chasing some kinda.. ray I think?
31. Cindy noticed when they were heading for e 5m 3 min safety stop.
32. Musical concoction in e water as we searched for one another.
33. Irene shook her dive rod to get our attention. Alex hit his tank to get theirs.
34. Found each other and surfaced.
35. End of dive.
36. Tea and back to mabul island with Alex for sunset.
37. Went deeper into the village. Ventured all the way to the wooden "pier" for a sunset.
38. Romantic. Except with the wrong person. Heh.
39. Saw the seaventures crew playing vollyball beside the kampong mosque in the village.
40. Most of the crew lives in the kampong. Amazing how some phillipinos come over to live here.
41. Unexplanable how surreal it is to see how some bravely choose the village life despite seeing what is offered elsewhere.
42. Also cool to see how Cindy and Susan - 2 best friends for over a decade goes on such an adventure together. They can LITERALLY complete each other's sentences and knows one another so well they know what food is suitable for whom.
43. Alex tried "making friends" with another pair of girls who goes scuba diving together once a yr.
44. Makes me think of my friends.
45. Love scuba talks.
46. My dive log is so full from this trip. Can't wait to finish it and buy a new one.

An unforgettable final night. A wonderful trip.

Bye bye Seaventures you've been good.

Divers' log Day 3 - Sipadan Seaventures Day 2.

Alex is bathing - I might have the whole night to jot these down before my turn comes.

Already some of these memories are fading.

1. Extremely tired.
2. Did 4 dives. 3 day dives at sipadan, 1 evening dive at house reef.
3. First time renting dive cam.
4. Saw tons of schools of barracudas and bumphead parrot fishes.
5. Had a shot of them converging together. Don think that was an intentional shot. Sssh.
6. Got separated from the rest of the group on the 2nd dive. Left with Derrick, Cindy, Alex, myself and dive guide 2. The rest went the opposite direction.
7. Completed dive.
8. Saw a very ugly fish.
9. Got intrigued by it for some time. Looked up and saw alex waving for me to return.
10. It was a Titon trigger fish. One that are famous for attacking divers when close.
11. Alex is out. time for bath.


It is now sipadan day 5. I am 2 days late and it is time to bid the sharks farewell. Will continue another day.

Missed you today.

Divers log day 2 Sipadan Seaventures

Lying in the sun with a cuppa tea, sudoku and my favourite pieces from POTO and spirit soundtrack.

This is what I came here for.

Just a bit'a updates frm yesterday.

1. Did 4 dives eventually. Morn 3, night 1.
2. Visibility was bad from the 3rd dive onwards n storm seems to be coming this way. Hence the decision to cancel the afternoon dives.
3. Good first and 2nd dives. Saw lotsa bumpheads, baracudas, jacks, sharks, turtles.
4. Third dive terrible. Nothing but dead corals. Visibility round 5m?
5. Planktons were hypnotic.
6. Hit by choppy waves upon ascend. Group of us got separated from the rest. Had a hard time paddling to boat. Gave up. Boat turned aroud to pick us.
7. Good lunch. Fell asleep in the middle of a thunderstorm. 2-3hrs. Helped catch up with lack of zzz.
8. Woke up, psyched and geared for unguided dive at house reef under oil rig.
9. Not much luck with fishes. Spotted a huge hermit crab and lotsa old rubbish like bottles, cloth AND A SANITARY PAD.
10. like WTF. Derrick picked it up. Laughing spasm in the sea.
11. Derrick spotted a rare fish... Or smth. Gave chase. The blind followed the blind. ie, we ALL gave chase.
12.Cindy notices that corals were suddenly nicer and ground was getting sandy-er. As if we were nearing shore.
13. Initiated an ascend.
14. In the night, surfacing is so cool because everyone hurdles together due to lack of light. Simultaneous ascend.
15. Realized we were at the wrong side and off the oil rig! Towards mabul island.
16. Slowly paddled back. Went under oil rig's showering area to get to the lift. Someone suddenly showered. Water started trickling down towards us!!
17. BBQ dinner!
18. Showered.
19. Received a phone call. HEE.
20. Played a new games called Phase 10 till 1am.
21. Slept at 2.45.
22. Up by 4.
23. I should do this more often.
24. If we get amazed at the school of fishes, do you think they feel the same when they see a school of divers n how unsynchronized our groups are compared to theirs?
25. I have the fastest growing kah moh in the world.
26. Diving back to regular. Getting a better hang of it. Cindy good help with guiding underwaters.
27. Note to self: no dive trips's too expensive.
28. Wondered every now and then if she preferred time spent with him, if things will change, if I would want it to change, if it bothers me now that I'm away, if I really trust her or I'm making myself trust her.
29. No conclusion to many.
30. Definitely still thinking of you.

I'm liking it here folks!

Haven't shit in 3 days.

Sipadan Sea Venture Day 1.

It's day one. And I'm beat. Here's the deal:

1. Freezing my ass off in e room because alex set e aircon at SIXTEEN!! before we went out.
2. Waiting to bathe, soccer, dive log, tea. Mmmm.
3. Shagged.
4. Slept at 1, up since 4.
5. One flight, one bus ride, one boat ride. Disrupted zzz throughout.
6. 2 dives today.
7. Head hurts like BOOMZ.
8. To wake at 4 (again!) tml.
9. 6 dives tml - one night dive inclusive
10. Oil rig's pretty cool.
11. Looks exactly like in the pictures.
12. Hardly occupied. Good service. Privacy.
13. Alex's friends are nice. And funny.
14. Alex not too bad himself but still a lone ranger.
15. First time diving without jasmine.
16. A little strange to have no one to look out for and ppl older than me feeling the need to look out for me.
17. Hard to behave otherwise. I shall be a 'taker' this trip.
18. Went to mabul island.
19. Resorts there were beautiful. That's why seaventure's so much cheaper
20. Right behind it lies a kampong. Chiangmai style. Very sad.
21. So far still no regrets except for e bad migrane.
22. Oh. And I'm having problem maintaining neutral boyency. Still can't figure if I'm too fat or im breathing irregularly. Ha.
23. Done bathing.
24. Mouth sore from biting the mouth piece.
23. Thinking of you.

Goodnight world.

Leaving for sipadan!

A lil bit of excitment, a lil bit of nervousness, a lil bit of worry, a lil bit of bu she de-ness.

Promise me you'll wait for me.

Thank you you.

Take care everyone!

While I verryy slowllyy pack up for Sipadan,
I feel an even stronger sense of reluctance, on top of that lil bit'a excitement I have.

I am reluctant to leave her.

Yet I cannot turn away from what this trip may bring.
Imagine it.
I'll be in the middle of no where!
Away from all the buzz, noise and unwanted civilization,
Enjoying the underwater experience,
Re-living the eat.sleep.dive factor.

I've always wanted this - a proper getaway. That's why I agreed to go for the trip in the first place.
But while I yearn for an adventure like this, I'm also afraid of the repercussions..

Apart from the 100000000001 emails and arrows in my back i'm gonna get while I'm out,
I am also worried about the possibility of not having any way of reaching her at nowheresville.
Of how she may conveniently have a jolly good time and forget about me.

I knowww i know. Should this happen, the implication is crystal clear.

I'm just not sure if I would be able to deal with the voices in my head.
Whether I can stop wondering if they are together, or if she is holding to him , or laughing the way I like it to be.
Oh Mr Jealousy you sneaky fella.

It's gonna be tough alright.
But I want her to be enjoying herself while I'm gone too.
Just that I don't like it when it's with him. HA.

Most importantly, after all that has happened at work recently, I feel like a million more times guilty and uneasy about going on a holiday NOW.
I hate that I might not be around when she needs it.

Lately work hasn't been going too smoothly for everyone.
Chinawoman is being a chinawoman,
Gaga is going gaga,
Mai is hitting the limit,
She is being bullied ( or more and more so I feel. )
And the more shit like these crops up, the more uncomfortable I feel about leaving.
I usually remind myself not to say too much in front of other colleagues or try to get involved with the problems unless necessary but I wanna at the very least be around.
For her, and for friends like Mai.

There are so many things I am afraid of. So many things I may lose.
And so many things I know I'd wish I could share with her while I'm there.

Yet I also know that this may serve as a good test for us.

So that's where the difficult part lies. Because despite knowing this,
I still cannot bring myself to say goodbye.

I know this sounds like a ridiculous load to worry about for a mere week's trip.
But this is very different from packing for Taiwan the last time.
I still cannot see myself at Sipadan,
and I have a really bad naggy feeling.

Think I'm going to miss you.

DON'T JUDGE ME.
I'M SLEEPY.
AND I'M INSECURE THIS WAY!

Goodnight.

Alex has already successfully made me feel small even BEFORE we've embarked on this adventure.

KaPOW!
Alex 1, Yvonne 0.

But not for looonngggg.

ding ding.

One day, the company will lose all its good staff because they are too proud to accept.
And ultimately the one at the disadvantage would be them.

Why can't they grasp such a simple logic?

Hanging out with Farnana yesterday brought about alot of thinking and alot of emotions. It reminded me again how important some friends are to your life and how some people have left their footprints in you.. even if it happened over one day or so.

I think I have the best friends in the world.

These people are the ones who stood by my side through the many trying period and who are still standing by my side now. Even if I have been cold towards them.


When dad passed away, Xie, HT and KS were the first to rush down. I still remember talking to HT on the phone when I was below the block, waiting for them to settle the coffin down. I didn't know how to break the news to HT so we spoke like usual. She was telling me about her day, I was just nodding away. When we hit a silent spot, she tried to break the ice and went, " so how's your dad? " All I could summon then was a, " he passed away today. "

For god knows what reason, I can still hear her gasp on the other end. The next thing I can remember, HT and KS were rushing out of their car on that very same night.



Xie was down at my place every single night. Even when she was home, she rang me on the phone just so I wouldn't feel lonely. And even though I know she was using MY FAMILY'S TRAGEDY to talk to Yue Xin, she DID get Yue Xin to call me ever so often to check up on me.

And then there's PL and gang.

We were part of LeXonne in JC. I distant myself from them. (They are still going onnn and onnn about this.) and by some chance, PL and I ended up as roommates in Uni.

It was a blessing from god.

PL and I had a difficult start in Hall. Not between the two of us but dealing with the politics and dealing with the betrayal of a good friend. There was one night which I remember, quite vividly, of us going out for a walk because there was too much in our minds to go to bed. We wanted to shift out. We wanted to give up. But we didn't.

Things got rough along the way in hall. The hall peeps was both close and not close. Through it all, PL had always been my rational half. From knowing Jasmine to jamming with, to getting close to, to losing, to winning, to fighting with, to ending it. She had always been the one rolling her eyes at our drama. Scolding me when I was at fault, reasoning with me if I was being unreasonable and banging her head when we were being ooh lala. Albeit sarcastic at times, PL had seen me through it. Even when I grew distant from that clique, she had always invited me along and had never excluded me from all the gossips.

The same can be said for the rest of the group. From the issues back home to those within, they have been listening if not giving advices. I, on the other hand, haven't been there. I have never heard of any problems from Yuan Fang, I haven't been there when Angelala had that whole difficult period with you know, I haven't seen Ah Bert is AGESSSSS and I wasn't there at the very least, to laugh, when Vivian shared with them stories of her and her " verrryy goooooddd friendddd. "

Uni also brought into my life a very important person. Someone I haven't been fair to at the end of it all and still lack the guts to acknowledge. Someone who have shown me what forgiveness and graciousness means. Someone who made a huge mark in my life.

Finally, there's the Secondary School clique.

The one who can read me better than I read myself. The ones who have only been patient and caring to me. The one that I let down the most after all these years.

Back in the Secondary School days, the few of us weren't that close. Some of us were, naturally. But we weren't THE clique. We came from different backgrounds. Loo and I grew up in council together. We were given alot of opportunities. KS was HT's brother. SJ was that cute girl from Saint John. Darren was my fight-hard-together, geng-hard-together brudder from NP. Xie was my rival-cum-buddy. Xie, Loo and I were together. But Xie was of a different league. She had established some kinda relationship with Loo and another kind with me.

These people saw me through so many things. They watched how I struggled through Secondary School, disappeared through JC, crumbled through Hilda, disappeared again through Uni, once more through Yellowstone and now, her.

There are so many examples I can quote on how Loo and all have been my pillar and have shown the true meaning of friendship. The strongest of which is what happened lately.

When it all first began, they had their doubts but they were supportive. Then she disappeared. And that's when the magic began. No matter how hard I tried to pretend during the BBQ, they seemed to know. Even people like Annice could tell something was wrong. And they did all their little acts to cheer me up. They didn't comment much initially. They merely acknowledged and that was more than enough.

When I saw him at her place on the very first night, I hid. Stayed in the safety of my car like a rat. I was that fucked up.

I saw him come, I saw him park the bike, I saw him go up, I stayed while he was there, I drove around at a speed perhaps a billion times slower than the speed of my thoughts shooting in my mind, I stopped the car, I saw him retrieve his bike, I saw him leave.

I told no one.

1 or 2 nights later, I was back there. I had questions to resolve. I had god and dad to meet. They didn't come. But someone else did. KS did.

Juan was checking on me that night. I told her I couldn't stand the noise at home. And I didn't know where else to go. She said to go where I wanted to go. So I started the car and by default, ended up there. Underneath again. Juan asked what my plans were. Why, she asked, do you think you're there? What do you want to do?

WHAT COULD I DO?
I couldn't even leave the car.

KS called me next and asked to meet for supper. I thought it was a good distraction so I agreed. But I couldn't leave. I didn't tell KS where I was. But Juan did. And before I knew it, KS knocked on my car door and sat beside me for AT LEAST an hour.. asking no questions, making no accusations.

Even when she was back, Juan and Loo were still checking up on me once every couple of days. They didn't say much.. just a " yoyoyoyo! " Typical Juan. But it meant the world.

Loo knew I just needed to.. go wild. So she arranged with KS to have a drinking party - full load alcohol and all. We did just that. Go crazy. I told them things that night. Things about home, about certain friends I had opinions on. Things that I've never let out to anyone before. And they have kept it safe.

One night, after she came back, even when I was still at the bottom of the pit struggling to rise up once more, I bumped into Loo and Darren. First thing Loo did was to give me a big fat hug. Darren stood at a corner and gave me a pat. I remember suddenly feeling extremely extremely tired. Like I've forgotten that I've been propping myself up. Like someone at home just died. And the best part was, I haven't told them how things were then. I was still HAHAHA-ing in our smses, still talking kok with them whenever necessary.

Juan, Loo and KS never left me. But I've let them down time and again. The worse thing is, I'm not even telling them things anymore.

Instead, once in a while when I get so ridiculously confused, I turn to Maisarah. With Maisarah, I don't talk to her the same way I talk to the rest. With Mai, we rationalize. I tell Mai things not because I trust her more than the rest. In fact, her words are harsher than the rest of them. But because Mai can give her a fairer argument.

Yet there are still times when I contemplate within myself on whether or not I should ask her to solve some of these puzzles in my head. Like today.

Mai only means well. But because her words carried truth, reinforced by certain actions, I suddenly feel so lost again.

Through the weekend, I realized that even though I believe her in everything she says today, I still have to work through the ghost of the past incidents - the past lies. It haunts you when you least expects it. Sneaking into your mind like a phantom waiting to weaken your mental power. It puts in me doubts - not in her words and actions today.. but rather the what ifs for the future. What if I've been wrong about her? What if one day she reverts back to before? What if she throws in the towel and do the same thing Hilda did from years before?

Do thoughts like these mean I haven't been giving her enough trust yet? How can I believe someone so entirely, without the courage to disintegrate all doubts? These are 2 conflicting thoughts.. yet they seem to fit so perfectly.


Perhaps the best kind of support I need and can listen to know is one from Xie and Lene.

One where they let me do my thing, have absolute faith in my decisions, accept her the way she is, accept things the way they are but are always on the look out for in case diarrhea happens. I like that they care about her as well.

Oh I know I'm being melodramatic.

Maybe it's the upcoming dive trip. Maybe it's the meet up with Farnana. Or maybe it's the mind games I had to curb during the weekend. I am suddenly so overwhelmed by all these noises and insecurities again. And I'm sick of it.

Who knows? Maybe penning these down will help me feel better for the wrongs i've done my pals..

and finally help me let go some of these things that have been bothering me.

This is called facing my fears.

Roar.

What can I say?

More drama at home.

我知道你根本没那么坚强.

You.

I don't even know how to start this entry.

How do you respond when she tells you the thing she did during lunch today?

Should I say... OKKKKKK. ??
Or should I ask why?
How did that happen, why did it happen?
Why are you telling me this?

So I can give you a pat on your back and tell you not to give up?
Or so I hold your hands, look into your eyes and tell you the most romantic words I can think of?

Romance I'm not good with.
But you know I'll fight for you.

Problem is, how do I fight if I don't know whether you want me to or not?

What she said this afternoon was like a slap across my face.
Like she's telling me that her stand's clear.

But are they really?

I really don't like listening to too many stories about the both of them because I can never find the correct reaction.
Any kind of advice I give will be wrong - I will never know if what I'm saying has any hidden agenda or if I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Even if they were genuine opinions, how do I say it without sounding too condescending?
How can I tell her that some things are obvious?

The best way out is just to shut up and listen.
But then it wont take long before I realize I cannot sit, listen and pretend for too long that it doesn't bother me at all.
Sometimes I don't even understand why I have to pretend.

But I'd hate if she starts feeling the need to hide things from me.
Because I like that we talk.
I like that we try not to keep things from one another.
I like that we argue about the most ridiculous things.
I like how we are both comfortable and uncomfortable with one another.
I like how she passes stupid spiteful remarks when she's mad that makes me wanna shake her awake.
I like how I laugh at the thought of that.


Yet after lunch yesterday, I just wanted to get far away.
Far far away from her because I was starting to have that sense of idiocy again.
Starting to feel like she thinks me stupid.

But you know you're in deep shit when the night comes and you lay awake only one room away, still thinking about her.

Somehow I think Sipadan nights may not be that easy to get by.

I have a virtual stack of notes hidden somewhere in my phone.
In it contains the many things she says/do that pops big fat question marks in my head.

Everytime she pisses me off, I put it in there telling myself never to give in again. And this afternoon's statement just added to the collection.

But then when I see her face after work and see the pain, tear and anger welling up in her eyes, I knew those notes will again be put to waste.
It is not her tears that weakens me.
It is my need and want to sit by her side when she's in a rampage, to laugh in her face when she's being a kid and to protect when she's in trouble.
It is my fear that when she gets over these issues, she'll run back to him.
It is also how she is trying to work the problems at work out within herself.
Trying to decide between giving up and to turn her back on the easy way out.
How even though she says she wants to give up, albeit beaten,
you can still see some spirit in her.

Where is my spirit then?

Because right now, I feel like this dog.

Woof.

Eng...

not as strong, ah eng.

So tempted to buy my own set of dive equipments.

Mares Vizeer 2 Window Mask - U/P: $50; now: $9.95!!

Mares Ranger 12 Regulator - U/P: $325.00; now: $149.95

Cheap waterproof watches!
Freestyle Shark Classic Mid Watch- U/P: $45 - $55; Now: $34.95 - $41.95


Not-so-cheap fins!
$39.95

Aquapac Waterproof Mini Phone case - $29.99


Wetsuits - U/P: $82.95; now: $64.95

and so many many more!
So basically, all I need to have is another say, $500 -$600 more?
That's no big deal right?

Oooh if I were a rich man..

Oh how I love what e meds are doing to my nose but hate what they're to the mind.

A day you're not giving up on yourself is a day I'm not giving up on you.

She's been trying.

but I still cannot.. fight the jealousy.

Either that or these meds are way stronger than I think they are. ha.

So thankful I can at least say it out here.
Otherwise I won't know how to pretend anymore.

Nevertheless,
I'm glad you're back.

Pain.
Both.
Pain.

You know what's wrong with the people today?

They don't LISTEN. Everyone only hears.

What the hell do you want exactly if you ask questions and not listen to the answers?

I am not your puppet to manipulate or to show ur authority to.
Fuck you smelly mouth.

Go get yourself some Listerine.

Not just worried.

是一点点的害怕 and 很大点的不舍得。

" good drinks, good music, good company. What more can I ask for?"

Thank you for still regarding me as a good company.

And i'm sorry that I'm still not ready to talk about things. Just can't deal with more confusion right now. I need to give my trust.

I'll talk when I'm ready. Believe me. It's just that for now, it's much better this way.

Understand that I really gotta give my trust.

I wish u well, my friend. May this nv end.

Do you sometimes have a sudden realization that you have a life?

That u own ur own life and feel like so far u've always forgotten that it belongs to you?

In the train to dhoby ghaut right now. And in this empty train, I suddenly see my reflection on the opposite window. And it hit me that I've been people watching the whole journey.. But I have yet to watch myself.

We are all so quick to judge. So quick to criticize. But what gives us e right to if we haven't been living the life we've wanted?

Too long a time have we been used to having people run our lives. To hold our hands and pull (not lead) us through our everyday decisions.

It is easy to find excuses in our everyday decisions. And we, or I, have grown used to using others as an excuse.

Despite the many reasons i may draw up for my little decisions in life, they are all excuses. I find excuses to not quit. I find excuses to stay back after work hours, I find excuses to avoid home. I find excuses for so many many things.

Am I not escaping as well?

Reasons and excuses are not the same. But how do we differentiate them?

The only time I'm sure I've made a decision based on a reason is probably the decision to stay behind in yellowstone. Now that felt right didn't it?

But I don't know if I'm finding excuses or having genuine reasons to say no to sipadan now. I can't stop thinking abt it. I think I'll like it. But grace and mum has 1000001 qualms OR "reasons" for me to turn it down.

It is dangerous alright. Esp to cut short the trip and to return home alone. But wouldn't it be a new triumphant journey for me? Another reason to celebrate not being a loser. They are, however, instilling fear and worries in me. And I find myself wondering if I'm really worried about the dangers, or am I worried about her forgetting about me when I leave?

I really don't know. If she does forget, doesn't that just mean alot? Maybe it's a good test on how much we mean to one another if I go. But I'm scared.

Yet I so wanna be there. I want to be free.

Oh I know I'm going in circles. Forgive me. It's the weekend... And you know what weekends does to me.

I'm such a weakling.

Next stop dhoby ghaut.
Guess I'm outtie.

Till next time folks!

I caved.

Don't understand why they made me rush all those handovers when the job still ultimately falls in my hands.

and I can't believe Grace blurted everything out! GASP!

She knows!

Sometimes the things that she says when we're out together just makes me feel.. URGGGH! like I'm indeed her spare tire. And that sense of being a mere backup is really lousy.

Like.. oh when he's not around, I'll be with ya. etc etc. Well she doesn't say that E X A C T L Y but it's a sense that I'm getting and I hate that feeling. Makes me wonder why I'm making myself out to be such a loser because I know that I can be better than that.

I'm just allowing it to happen.

But then a part of me also tells me that I'm being a weeee bit too sensitive, that she's not that bad and that I shouldn't be dissecting her words or actions. That maybe she has tons of things in her mind that she's not letting out too. Or that given her little kid exterior, she is a way deeper person than that. Maybe she's chained up as well?



I don't know. After all the chit chats we've had, I feel like I should know her. And maybe I do. but what she's letting out is only so much. Her words and her actions never tallies.. so much so they can actually go the opposite direction! And even though sometimes it seems like I can feel her emotions, I can feel her being bogged down by lotsa things, I cannot bring it out in the open. Because she's not starting it.

And she's not wanting it.

It's a comfort zone thing. Something she has to work out and want to break out of on her own before I can lend her my hand.

I also don't wanna stifle her choice of words or her behavior or actions. So I can't really voice out my opinions when she makes me feel like shit this way can I. On what grounds can I anyway? And I like that she's telling me the truth. I don't want her to start telling lies again. So I shouldn't make a big fuss outta it.

Since I asked her to build the trust again, I have to give her that trust. That much of dignity I still have.

However, silence also doesn't mean that I'm stupid. I know she'll never take that step. I know that he's not picking her up every morning because he needs to get to work. I know that on nights she's spending time with me, he's either at training or something and when he's done, she'll leave.

Now that's where I feel stupid.

Because I don't know if she's leaving by choice or by obligation.


Guess I really am an insecure bitch.
I need your assurance.

Lets run away together!

oh blogger, you're turning out to be my new best friend aren't you?

How are you making me torn between being upset for being your idiot and fighting the urge to grab your hands all at the same time.

You made me feel worse than the fool I thought I was.

It is easy for you to say it when you are looking at it from one centre's point of view.

Try to remember that I'm consolidating, interpreting, finalizing and chasing for FOUR!

And now that we've finally got some system and uniformity coming along, you're asking me to draft out more reports??

FUCK YOU.

Can't help but feel like I'm nursing you to health just so I can send you back straight into his arms.

Battled these thoughts when you were ill. But at that time your recovery mattered more. And I thought I could be man enough to deal with it when the time comes..

But I'm apparently still a bloody guniang.

I'm not gracious enough.
Nor am I brave enough.

But on what bloody grounds can I allow myself to feel this way?
So I gotta mask them all good and well and not be a wimp in front of you or my friends.

But after the mess I was last night,
I don't think I can hang on much longer.

I feel chained.
To a million different people,
To a billion different things.

And all just to cheapen myself.
How did I allow myself to be like that?

I really miss Yellowstone.

Don't know what I'm fighting for anymore.

Alex asked me to join him on his weeklong dive trip in Malaysia at the end of January.

We would be living in an oil rig in the middle of the ocean.

Danger - check!
Excitment - check!
Adventure - check!

But where do I find $2000 (for a m'sia trip!) to spare?