Friday, January 14, 2011

I don't even know how to start this entry.

How do you respond when she tells you the thing she did during lunch today?

Should I say... OKKKKKK. ??
Or should I ask why?
How did that happen, why did it happen?
Why are you telling me this?

So I can give you a pat on your back and tell you not to give up?
Or so I hold your hands, look into your eyes and tell you the most romantic words I can think of?

Romance I'm not good with.
But you know I'll fight for you.

Problem is, how do I fight if I don't know whether you want me to or not?

What she said this afternoon was like a slap across my face.
Like she's telling me that her stand's clear.

But are they really?

I really don't like listening to too many stories about the both of them because I can never find the correct reaction.
Any kind of advice I give will be wrong - I will never know if what I'm saying has any hidden agenda or if I mean it from the bottom of my heart.
Even if they were genuine opinions, how do I say it without sounding too condescending?
How can I tell her that some things are obvious?

The best way out is just to shut up and listen.
But then it wont take long before I realize I cannot sit, listen and pretend for too long that it doesn't bother me at all.
Sometimes I don't even understand why I have to pretend.

But I'd hate if she starts feeling the need to hide things from me.
Because I like that we talk.
I like that we try not to keep things from one another.
I like that we argue about the most ridiculous things.
I like how we are both comfortable and uncomfortable with one another.
I like how she passes stupid spiteful remarks when she's mad that makes me wanna shake her awake.
I like how I laugh at the thought of that.


Yet after lunch yesterday, I just wanted to get far away.
Far far away from her because I was starting to have that sense of idiocy again.
Starting to feel like she thinks me stupid.

But you know you're in deep shit when the night comes and you lay awake only one room away, still thinking about her.

Somehow I think Sipadan nights may not be that easy to get by.

I have a virtual stack of notes hidden somewhere in my phone.
In it contains the many things she says/do that pops big fat question marks in my head.

Everytime she pisses me off, I put it in there telling myself never to give in again. And this afternoon's statement just added to the collection.

But then when I see her face after work and see the pain, tear and anger welling up in her eyes, I knew those notes will again be put to waste.
It is not her tears that weakens me.
It is my need and want to sit by her side when she's in a rampage, to laugh in her face when she's being a kid and to protect when she's in trouble.
It is my fear that when she gets over these issues, she'll run back to him.
It is also how she is trying to work the problems at work out within herself.
Trying to decide between giving up and to turn her back on the easy way out.
How even though she says she wants to give up, albeit beaten,
you can still see some spirit in her.

Where is my spirit then?

Because right now, I feel like this dog.


Woof.

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