Sometimes the things that she says when we're out together just makes me feel.. URGGGH! like I'm indeed her spare tire. And that sense of being a mere backup is really lousy.

Like.. oh when he's not around, I'll be with ya. etc etc. Well she doesn't say that E X A C T L Y but it's a sense that I'm getting and I hate that feeling. Makes me wonder why I'm making myself out to be such a loser because I know that I can be better than that.

I'm just allowing it to happen.

But then a part of me also tells me that I'm being a weeee bit too sensitive, that she's not that bad and that I shouldn't be dissecting her words or actions. That maybe she has tons of things in her mind that she's not letting out too. Or that given her little kid exterior, she is a way deeper person than that. Maybe she's chained up as well?



I don't know. After all the chit chats we've had, I feel like I should know her. And maybe I do. but what she's letting out is only so much. Her words and her actions never tallies.. so much so they can actually go the opposite direction! And even though sometimes it seems like I can feel her emotions, I can feel her being bogged down by lotsa things, I cannot bring it out in the open. Because she's not starting it.

And she's not wanting it.

It's a comfort zone thing. Something she has to work out and want to break out of on her own before I can lend her my hand.

I also don't wanna stifle her choice of words or her behavior or actions. So I can't really voice out my opinions when she makes me feel like shit this way can I. On what grounds can I anyway? And I like that she's telling me the truth. I don't want her to start telling lies again. So I shouldn't make a big fuss outta it.

Since I asked her to build the trust again, I have to give her that trust. That much of dignity I still have.

However, silence also doesn't mean that I'm stupid. I know she'll never take that step. I know that he's not picking her up every morning because he needs to get to work. I know that on nights she's spending time with me, he's either at training or something and when he's done, she'll leave.

Now that's where I feel stupid.

Because I don't know if she's leaving by choice or by obligation.


Guess I really am an insecure bitch.
I need your assurance.

Lets run away together!

oh blogger, you're turning out to be my new best friend aren't you?