Cannot stop thinking of the conversation(s) with Pegion at dinner last night.

Pegion and I haven't had the best of fate in recent years. Ever since post-uni, it's either she's at a gathering and I'm not, I'm at a gathering and she's not or we're BOTH not at the gathering. The group have been trying hard to get us two together but it still took us months before we could meet for about an hour yesterday.

But even with the long-time-no-see-ness, once we started talking, we S.T.A.R.T.E.D talking.

maybe meeting Pegion yesterday was god sent. For what purpose, I still don't know. But it did get me really riffled up.. especially today. Since it's the weekend, since I barely just returned from Sipadan n since I know things I don't wanna know.

By telling me her own story, I am able to get a better glimpse of her point of view. Not that I've never thought of these before.. but ah bert's recollection of what she's going through was like giving voice to the thoughts in my head. Like a reassurance or sort... but not entirely in the orgh sayang sayang form.

On one hand, there is a sense of relief to have someone first-hand reaffirm your thoughts. Yet on the other, it's scary because I don't know which voice to listen to, I don't know what it means and I really feel how it must be difficult for her too.

For a brief moment yesterday, I envisioned how comforted both girls would perhaps feel if they get to relief their emotions to one another.

Someone once told me that I may be the only party feeling so guilty/confused because he may be standing at one corner saying " heh heh heh. Loser. She's still my girlfriend. " or she may be telling him " that's just a fool. You're still my boyfriend. "

Like ouch.

Realities likes these come and goes. And I guess I'm in the 'come' period now.

Back in m'sia, I was too tired to entertain dubious thoughts like these. And even if they managed to squeeze their way in, like a sperm through an embryo (not sure why the analogy!), I felt confident enough to trust her. To respect her. To believe that she knows that I was and am thinking of her.

But now that I'm back, I find myself struggling again. And this time it's not entirely her fault. It's my internal demons I am mostly battling with.

My distrustful nature is unfair to her. I hate that I have to consciously put in effort to believe her. And it's not like I don't trust her because honestly, I do so - more now than ever before. But there's always this red flag waving in me. Asking the conscious side of me if I'm letting my guards down too much. Telling me to weigh between being fair to her and watching my own back. Reminding me of the times I stumbled upon things I didn't want to and shouldn't know but hurt nonetheless.

Flashbacks of those times sometimes makes me wonder if i'm giving her the opportunity to do the same thing again.

But as soon as those thoughts come, I feel compelled to shut myself up, bury them somewhere deep within and take that simple leap of faith. That's what it's supposed to be isn't it? No one will ever be sure. My concern though, is this lingering nagging sensation in me. One that only alleviates only when she's around or when I hear her voice. Is this what insecurity is supposed to feel like?

Haven't had fear like these for a long time and I really don't know why it's back. Are these the after-effects of the trip? Is it because my expectations are higher? Because I've met my sane friends again or because it's time for ALL of us to face it?

I don't wanna have these thoughts / doubts / whatever-you-call-em. The need to constantly tell myself that the possibility of her pulling the same stunt is not high and that I shouldn't be thinking of things like that is making me very tired because a huge part of me trust her not merely by will-power but also by sensation -by 'trust' in all its entirety.

It's the past that haunts me, really. And that past escalates whatever actions that are done now. It's really not fair to her, or to me.

oh this is all too tiring.

That's why I hope, with all my heart, that Pegion does not allow things to escalate to my level. But if there's one thing I know about Pegion, it's her courage and willingness to face all obstacles thrown her way. And I see that coming from her even as she was speaking yesterday. Despite her obligation and commitmental issues, I'm sure that once she has figured out what she wants, she will bravely face it.

I'm rooting for you Pegion.