Saturday, January 08, 2011

Do you sometimes have a sudden realization that you have a life?

That u own ur own life and feel like so far u've always forgotten that it belongs to you?

In the train to dhoby ghaut right now. And in this empty train, I suddenly see my reflection on the opposite window. And it hit me that I've been people watching the whole journey.. But I have yet to watch myself.

We are all so quick to judge. So quick to criticize. But what gives us e right to if we haven't been living the life we've wanted?

Too long a time have we been used to having people run our lives. To hold our hands and pull (not lead) us through our everyday decisions.

It is easy to find excuses in our everyday decisions. And we, or I, have grown used to using others as an excuse.

Despite the many reasons i may draw up for my little decisions in life, they are all excuses. I find excuses to not quit. I find excuses to stay back after work hours, I find excuses to avoid home. I find excuses for so many many things.

Am I not escaping as well?

Reasons and excuses are not the same. But how do we differentiate them?

The only time I'm sure I've made a decision based on a reason is probably the decision to stay behind in yellowstone. Now that felt right didn't it?

But I don't know if I'm finding excuses or having genuine reasons to say no to sipadan now. I can't stop thinking abt it. I think I'll like it. But grace and mum has 1000001 qualms OR "reasons" for me to turn it down.

It is dangerous alright. Esp to cut short the trip and to return home alone. But wouldn't it be a new triumphant journey for me? Another reason to celebrate not being a loser. They are, however, instilling fear and worries in me. And I find myself wondering if I'm really worried about the dangers, or am I worried about her forgetting about me when I leave?

I really don't know. If she does forget, doesn't that just mean alot? Maybe it's a good test on how much we mean to one another if I go. But I'm scared.

Yet I so wanna be there. I want to be free.

Oh I know I'm going in circles. Forgive me. It's the weekend... And you know what weekends does to me.

I'm such a weakling.

Next stop dhoby ghaut.
Guess I'm outtie.

Till next time folks!

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