Monday, January 17, 2011

Hanging out with Farnana yesterday brought about alot of thinking and alot of emotions. It reminded me again how important some friends are to your life and how some people have left their footprints in you.. even if it happened over one day or so.

I think I have the best friends in the world.

These people are the ones who stood by my side through the many trying period and who are still standing by my side now. Even if I have been cold towards them.


When dad passed away, Xie, HT and KS were the first to rush down. I still remember talking to HT on the phone when I was below the block, waiting for them to settle the coffin down. I didn't know how to break the news to HT so we spoke like usual. She was telling me about her day, I was just nodding away. When we hit a silent spot, she tried to break the ice and went, " so how's your dad? " All I could summon then was a, " he passed away today. "

For god knows what reason, I can still hear her gasp on the other end. The next thing I can remember, HT and KS were rushing out of their car on that very same night.



Xie was down at my place every single night. Even when she was home, she rang me on the phone just so I wouldn't feel lonely. And even though I know she was using MY FAMILY'S TRAGEDY to talk to Yue Xin, she DID get Yue Xin to call me ever so often to check up on me.

And then there's PL and gang.

We were part of LeXonne in JC. I distant myself from them. (They are still going onnn and onnn about this.) and by some chance, PL and I ended up as roommates in Uni.

It was a blessing from god.

PL and I had a difficult start in Hall. Not between the two of us but dealing with the politics and dealing with the betrayal of a good friend. There was one night which I remember, quite vividly, of us going out for a walk because there was too much in our minds to go to bed. We wanted to shift out. We wanted to give up. But we didn't.


Things got rough along the way in hall. The hall peeps was both close and not close. Through it all, PL had always been my rational half. From knowing Jasmine to jamming with, to getting close to, to losing, to winning, to fighting with, to ending it. She had always been the one rolling her eyes at our drama. Scolding me when I was at fault, reasoning with me if I was being unreasonable and banging her head when we were being ooh lala. Albeit sarcastic at times, PL had seen me through it. Even when I grew distant from that clique, she had always invited me along and had never excluded me from all the gossips.

The same can be said for the rest of the group. From the issues back home to those within, they have been listening if not giving advices. I, on the other hand, haven't been there. I have never heard of any problems from Yuan Fang, I haven't been there when Angelala had that whole difficult period with you know, I haven't seen Ah Bert is AGESSSSS and I wasn't there at the very least, to laugh, when Vivian shared with them stories of her and her " verrryy goooooddd friendddd. "

Uni also brought into my life a very important person. Someone I haven't been fair to at the end of it all and still lack the guts to acknowledge. Someone who have shown me what forgiveness and graciousness means. Someone who made a huge mark in my life.


Finally, there's the Secondary School clique.

The one who can read me better than I read myself. The ones who have only been patient and caring to me. The one that I let down the most after all these years.

Back in the Secondary School days, the few of us weren't that close. Some of us were, naturally. But we weren't THE clique. We came from different backgrounds. Loo and I grew up in council together. We were given alot of opportunities. KS was HT's brother. SJ was that cute girl from Saint John. Darren was my fight-hard-together, geng-hard-together brudder from NP. Xie was my rival-cum-buddy. Xie, Loo and I were together. But Xie was of a different league. She had established some kinda relationship with Loo and another kind with me.

These people saw me through so many things. They watched how I struggled through Secondary School, disappeared through JC, crumbled through Hilda, disappeared again through Uni, once more through Yellowstone and now, her.

There are so many examples I can quote on how Loo and all have been my pillar and have shown the true meaning of friendship. The strongest of which is what happened lately.

When it all first began, they had their doubts but they were supportive. Then she disappeared. And that's when the magic began. No matter how hard I tried to pretend during the BBQ, they seemed to know. Even people like Annice could tell something was wrong. And they did all their little acts to cheer me up. They didn't comment much initially. They merely acknowledged and that was more than enough.

When I saw him at her place on the very first night, I hid. Stayed in the safety of my car like a rat. I was that fucked up.

I saw him come, I saw him park the bike, I saw him go up, I stayed while he was there, I drove around at a speed perhaps a billion times slower than the speed of my thoughts shooting in my mind, I stopped the car, I saw him retrieve his bike, I saw him leave.

I told no one.

1 or 2 nights later, I was back there. I had questions to resolve. I had god and dad to meet. They didn't come. But someone else did. KS did.

Juan was checking on me that night. I told her I couldn't stand the noise at home. And I didn't know where else to go. She said to go where I wanted to go. So I started the car and by default, ended up there. Underneath again. Juan asked what my plans were. Why, she asked, do you think you're there? What do you want to do?

WHAT COULD I DO?
I couldn't even leave the car.

KS called me next and asked to meet for supper. I thought it was a good distraction so I agreed. But I couldn't leave. I didn't tell KS where I was. But Juan did. And before I knew it, KS knocked on my car door and sat beside me for AT LEAST an hour.. asking no questions, making no accusations.

Even when she was back, Juan and Loo were still checking up on me once every couple of days. They didn't say much.. just a " yoyoyoyo! " Typical Juan. But it meant the world.

Loo knew I just needed to.. go wild. So she arranged with KS to have a drinking party - full load alcohol and all. We did just that. Go crazy. I told them things that night. Things about home, about certain friends I had opinions on. Things that I've never let out to anyone before. And they have kept it safe.

One night, after she came back, even when I was still at the bottom of the pit struggling to rise up once more, I bumped into Loo and Darren. First thing Loo did was to give me a big fat hug. Darren stood at a corner and gave me a pat. I remember suddenly feeling extremely extremely tired. Like I've forgotten that I've been propping myself up. Like someone at home just died. And the best part was, I haven't told them how things were then. I was still HAHAHA-ing in our smses, still talking kok with them whenever necessary.

Juan, Loo and KS never left me. But I've let them down time and again. The worse thing is, I'm not even telling them things anymore.

Instead, once in a while when I get so ridiculously confused, I turn to Maisarah. With Maisarah, I don't talk to her the same way I talk to the rest. With Mai, we rationalize. I tell Mai things not because I trust her more than the rest. In fact, her words are harsher than the rest of them. But because Mai can give her a fairer argument.

Yet there are still times when I contemplate within myself on whether or not I should ask her to solve some of these puzzles in my head. Like today.

Mai only means well. But because her words carried truth, reinforced by certain actions, I suddenly feel so lost again.

Through the weekend, I realized that even though I believe her in everything she says today, I still have to work through the ghost of the past incidents - the past lies. It haunts you when you least expects it. Sneaking into your mind like a phantom waiting to weaken your mental power. It puts in me doubts - not in her words and actions today.. but rather the what ifs for the future. What if I've been wrong about her? What if one day she reverts back to before? What if she throws in the towel and do the same thing Hilda did from years before?

Do thoughts like these mean I haven't been giving her enough trust yet? How can I believe someone so entirely, without the courage to disintegrate all doubts? These are 2 conflicting thoughts.. yet they seem to fit so perfectly.


Perhaps the best kind of support I need and can listen to know is one from Xie and Lene.

One where they let me do my thing, have absolute faith in my decisions, accept her the way she is, accept things the way they are but are always on the look out for in case diarrhea happens. I like that they care about her as well.

Oh I know I'm being melodramatic.

Maybe it's the upcoming dive trip. Maybe it's the meet up with Farnana. Or maybe it's the mind games I had to curb during the weekend. I am suddenly so overwhelmed by all these noises and insecurities again. And I'm sick of it.

Who knows? Maybe penning these down will help me feel better for the wrongs i've done my pals..

and finally help me let go some of these things that have been bothering me.

This is called facing my fears.

Roar.

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