Thursday, January 29, 2009

Happy cny.

CNY this year was pretty mundane. It was like a usual family gathering only with a little more gambling.

Can you believe we only had FOUR ang baos? haha.. i know cny is not about ang baos and all but stillll, FOUR! FOUR! i knew my family in singapore was small. But FOUR! urgh. psp, no more.

Managed to use the 4 days to start and finish the entire set of moonlight resonance ( jia hao yue yuan ). Damn good. Almost everyone at home was chasing it too. It was like a mad family marathon kinda thing. haha.. but the ending was super good. Didn't feel like i wasted my time at all. In fact, i'm still you-tubing it. wahaha..

And also, i have a new pretty girl now! Linda Chung. wahaha.. i prefer to call her ding ding from forensic heroes. Quite hot. born in 1984 ( ie, only 3 years older! ) can speak english, cantonese and chinese. Live and is famous in hong kong. Not bad.
Still can't beat liv tyler's translucent skin and motherly love though, BUUT BUT BUT, who am i kidding? a hollywood star? I should be more realistic. A hk star should be about it.


I know i'm talking gibberish right now but that's the best way to illustrate my state of mind. Watching MR felt like it was a good escape to reality. I guess that's what tv shows does to you. It transports you into a new realm of life. I always thought what happens in tv shows will eventually take place in real life. And the truth is, the more i believed, the more it really happened. Even if it took 10-20 years, it happens. But somehow, even with things turning out exactly like tv shows and all, i still get dawned to the fact that tv shows will never be reality. Maybe because factual, uncontrollable complications always comes along the way, maybe because we tend to want a control over things, but whatever the case, tv shows will never be reality.

I'm having a real hard time dealing with expectations. With the expectations people have on me, with the expectations i THINK people have on me and with expectations people DON'T have on me and with the expectations i have on myself.

I forsake my friends for studies. I forsake my girlfriend for family. My family forsake me for themselves and my grades forsake me for smarter people. And so it becomes like this, I owe alot to my friends. I owe alot to poink. But no one owes me anything. WHY? Because i am expected to do this. The family may or may not expect me to put them first. But they very well do take it for granted. But, i expect myself to repay my mother, who wants to shower her boys with love because they have no fatherly love.

But she doesn't realize that since young, they had their motherly love. i didn't. all i had from her were slaps and " don get too close to that uncle/cousin/boy because he's a boy and you're a girl. " Yes, i had fatherly love. But that fatherly love left me while they STILL have their motherly love. Can't she/they see that the equation doesn't tally?

They have their brotherly love and uncle and auntie love. I don't have my sisterly love. Worst yet, when i was a kid, aged some 6-8 years old, my auntie saw me as the neice who wanted to seduce her husband. joke.

And there's my expectations of school. Expectations of the salary i should bring in. The distrust in me.

I wish so much that i can be an ostrich. But i can't. Because be at home or in projects, something is expected outta me. But no one knows what is expected. They just know they expect something. I just know i expect something too.

Expectations. Such a scary thing.


Thursday, January 22, 2009

5 days to cny.

7 days to unescapable reality.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

It feels weird that when i don't do my work, i feel like i've let myself down but when i do my work, i feel like i've let everyonelse down.

My conscience bites me no matter if i'm in the right or in the wrong. That's like punishment in every way.

what is there to do?

Sunday, January 18, 2009

It's sunday night.
I stayed home once more.. thought i could accompany my mum tml. But i just remember about a possible fyp mtg.

We need that meeting. But i want to accompany mother. and i want accompany poink.

Even though i'm home now, i'm not helping mother with her housework.
Firstly, i don think she wants my help.
secondly, i need to catch up with some work.

So, what's the point of staying home?

But i feel bad leaving point alone in hall.
It's the 2nd week i've done that.
I'm such an ass.

such a helpless feeling.

Sometimes, i'm thankful for fender.
At least she'll make mother feel less lonely.

I'm not making any sense, am i?


Friday, January 16, 2009


Close your eyes.
Imagine you're at VCH and your school's Symphonic Band and Chinese Ochestra combining to play this.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Since the Aussies left, I've been behaving weird.

Life seems surreal all of a sudden. There wasn't any motivation, any direction.

I miss wei wei.
Throughout her stay here, we've bonded.
And i've grown attached to her. So much to the extent of slight dependence.

We brewed tea together, every night.
We drank beer together.
We watched lame shows together.
We watched blues clues together.
We watched old disney movies together.
Pocahontas, Enchanted..

Except for poink, no one in the family would ever watch those shows with me.
Not even Janelle.
She watches gory movies these days!

When I felt distrusted or was seen as a worthless GIRL by the family,
I turned to wei.
And she seemed to understand it well.

It's like for once, i wasn't alone in the family.
SomeONE finally spoke to me.
I wasn't just another shadow in their puny world.
I was wei wei's cousin.
And while we laughed at the stupidity of some of the boys,
I've learnt that that's the only thing i can do with the stupid hierachy.
I could never win.
I can only laugh ( or whine ) it off.
I had someone to laugh with.

But wei had to leave.
Mum had to re-adjust to zzzing alone.
I had to re-adjust to let mum be alone.

The same past didn't seem the same anymore.
It became darker, lonelier.

Our family seemed to have both bonded and separated during this hosting period.
We hated each other more.
We quarrelled more.
We had those undercurrent thing even more.
we also learnt how to accept each other more.
Learnt when to keep our comments to ourselves.
Learnt how to accept the other person as they are a little more.

And right after her departure,
it was bad news one after another.
subjects, timetable, and many others that i'm not at liberty to say.

So I shrunk.
Deep down below.
And i hate that feeling.

I became this panic freak.
I became paranoid, unsure, crazy!
I became this whole other person i've been trying to keep under wraps.
Maybe or maybe not on the outside.
But in the inside, i felt miserable.

I want to change.

I have to take control of my life once more.
I have to find back that confidence i've lost for years.
I've got to get back that faith.

Well it's about time i started doing something, isn't it?

Bad 2009?
But is 'bad' just a perception.
I must remember that things happens for a reason.
That I have the power to control my life, if i allow myself.

I need to make that change.
I've gotta be a better person.

But it's not going to be that easy.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

-Matthew 6:25 and 26

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

i wish you could one day see how much i need my fatherly figure as well.

Monday, January 12, 2009

is it worth having a 5 day week for an easy paper?

Or should i make me have at least a 4 day week with an essay paper? Considering that i have enough s/u options to s/u all my electives?

Someone please advise me.

It's not the holidays anymore.

if this continues, i really can't go on.

I want these feelings to evaporate!


Saturday, January 10, 2009

Everyday you'd feel a little bit smaller.

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Have you ever felt thorn between your mother and your girlfriend?

It sucks leaving for hall, feeling like i'm abandoning mother and leaving for home, feeling like i'm abandoning poink.

Thursday, January 01, 2009

Should auld aquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind.
Should auld aquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear.
For auld lang syne.

We'll take a glass of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Happy new year. :)