Thursday, January 29, 2009

Happy cny.

CNY this year was pretty mundane. It was like a usual family gathering only with a little more gambling.

Can you believe we only had FOUR ang baos? haha.. i know cny is not about ang baos and all but stillll, FOUR! FOUR! i knew my family in singapore was small. But FOUR! urgh. psp, no more.

Managed to use the 4 days to start and finish the entire set of moonlight resonance ( jia hao yue yuan ). Damn good. Almost everyone at home was chasing it too. It was like a mad family marathon kinda thing. haha.. but the ending was super good. Didn't feel like i wasted my time at all. In fact, i'm still you-tubing it. wahaha..

And also, i have a new pretty girl now! Linda Chung. wahaha.. i prefer to call her ding ding from forensic heroes. Quite hot. born in 1984 ( ie, only 3 years older! ) can speak english, cantonese and chinese. Live and is famous in hong kong. Not bad.
Still can't beat liv tyler's translucent skin and motherly love though, BUUT BUT BUT, who am i kidding? a hollywood star? I should be more realistic. A hk star should be about it.

heh.

I know i'm talking gibberish right now but that's the best way to illustrate my state of mind. Watching MR felt like it was a good escape to reality. I guess that's what tv shows does to you. It transports you into a new realm of life. I always thought what happens in tv shows will eventually take place in real life. And the truth is, the more i believed, the more it really happened. Even if it took 10-20 years, it happens. But somehow, even with things turning out exactly like tv shows and all, i still get dawned to the fact that tv shows will never be reality. Maybe because factual, uncontrollable complications always comes along the way, maybe because we tend to want a control over things, but whatever the case, tv shows will never be reality.

I'm having a real hard time dealing with expectations. With the expectations people have on me, with the expectations i THINK people have on me and with expectations people DON'T have on me and with the expectations i have on myself.

I forsake my friends for studies. I forsake my girlfriend for family. My family forsake me for themselves and my grades forsake me for smarter people. And so it becomes like this, I owe alot to my friends. I owe alot to poink. But no one owes me anything. WHY? Because i am expected to do this. The family may or may not expect me to put them first. But they very well do take it for granted. But, i expect myself to repay my mother, who wants to shower her boys with love because they have no fatherly love.

But she doesn't realize that since young, they had their motherly love. i didn't. all i had from her were slaps and " don get too close to that uncle/cousin/boy because he's a boy and you're a girl. " Yes, i had fatherly love. But that fatherly love left me while they STILL have their motherly love. Can't she/they see that the equation doesn't tally?

They have their brotherly love and uncle and auntie love. I don't have my sisterly love. Worst yet, when i was a kid, aged some 6-8 years old, my auntie saw me as the neice who wanted to seduce her husband. joke.

And there's my expectations of school. Expectations of the salary i should bring in. The distrust in me.

I wish so much that i can be an ostrich. But i can't. Because be at home or in projects, something is expected outta me. But no one knows what is expected. They just know they expect something. I just know i expect something too.

Expectations. Such a scary thing.

Goodnight.

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