Since the Aussies left, I've been behaving weird.

Life seems surreal all of a sudden. There wasn't any motivation, any direction.

I miss wei wei.
Throughout her stay here, we've bonded.
And i've grown attached to her. So much to the extent of slight dependence.

We brewed tea together, every night.
We drank beer together.
We watched lame shows together.
We watched blues clues together.
We watched old disney movies together.
Pocahontas, Enchanted..

Except for poink, no one in the family would ever watch those shows with me.
Not even Janelle.
She watches gory movies these days!

When I felt distrusted or was seen as a worthless GIRL by the family,
I turned to wei.
And she seemed to understand it well.

It's like for once, i wasn't alone in the family.
SomeONE finally spoke to me.
I wasn't just another shadow in their puny world.
I was wei wei's cousin.
And while we laughed at the stupidity of some of the boys,
I've learnt that that's the only thing i can do with the stupid hierachy.
I could never win.
I can only laugh ( or whine ) it off.
I had someone to laugh with.

But wei had to leave.
Mum had to re-adjust to zzzing alone.
I had to re-adjust to let mum be alone.

The same past didn't seem the same anymore.
It became darker, lonelier.

Our family seemed to have both bonded and separated during this hosting period.
We hated each other more.
We quarrelled more.
We had those undercurrent thing even more.
But,
we also learnt how to accept each other more.
Learnt when to keep our comments to ourselves.
Learnt how to accept the other person as they are a little more.

And right after her departure,
it was bad news one after another.
subjects, timetable, and many others that i'm not at liberty to say.

So I shrunk.
Deep down below.
And i hate that feeling.

I became this panic freak.
I became paranoid, unsure, crazy!
I became this whole other person i've been trying to keep under wraps.
Maybe or maybe not on the outside.
But in the inside, i felt miserable.

I want to change.

I have to take control of my life once more.
I have to find back that confidence i've lost for years.
I've got to get back that faith.

Well it's about time i started doing something, isn't it?

Bad 2009?
But is 'bad' just a perception.
I must remember that things happens for a reason.
That I have the power to control my life, if i allow myself.

I need to make that change.
I've gotta be a better person.

But it's not going to be that easy.