Monday, February 28, 2011

because I know things you don't know I know.
KS's mum says that I'm lost.

I have always held Aunty with high respect and she has indeed always been a good judge of character. So when KS told me about this some time back, it made me reflect alot. Made me think of where I can improve on and for a moment made me think of how I appear to be in front of others.

I think she's right.
I am lost.

Major revolution going through in the office today. Well, not entirely a revolution but people are voicing out to management about their unhappiness and they are ready to leave and how did the management react? - they increase my pay.

Mai gave me a heads-up last night so I was expecting drama. But I wasn't expecting this. Ask me - is it worth it? I don't think so.

Again, I feel for the 2nd time in a short span of 4 days, to be a backup. Not worth much on my own but always becoming more valuable only when the main act is no longer available.

At work I'm like that.
In relationship I am also like that.

Obviously they are not increasing my pay because they think I'm good but because they don't want me to leave. And why do they not want me to leave? Because they have no one else to count on.

But wait, doesn't this sound a tad too familiar from other aspects of my life too?

It's like I have no control of my life. Or I have no value.
I don't yearn to be top in everything, but I want to be the boss of my own life. It is mine ultimately, and not anyone else's to abuse isn't it? But why does it feel like as people get closer to me, they start puppet-ting me?

Is it them or is it me?
Am I allowing it to happen?

It drives me crazy to have to battle all these thoughts with mum's constant nagging for me to change jobs. She uses words like business model to talk to me. Haha. It's like the management in her is taking over again.

And so with that weighing in my mind, I walked around school only to realize that Mai was right - I'm losing everyone.

I need to build the guts to make a change in my life.
Perhaps biking will be good for my ego.
and volunteering will be good for the soul.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Haven't felt this tall in a long time.

Don ever wanna forget this feeling.
Like every song has a funky beat.

Thank you for your hands dear lord.
I'm scared.

Leap of faith or Deja vu?
Patience or pride?

Friday, February 25, 2011

Why do people have no qualms about insulting me in public? Have I evolved into one whose pride and self-worth is so low people deem it ok to spit down at?

Even though I deserved it, I find it harder to swallow being smeared at in the office in front of some of the people I despised most than having a door slammed at the face in private.


Maybe one day I'll grow to laugh at these incidents.

Right now I only wish I still have Eng's room to hide in.
Tester ate her dust!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Good luck tomorrow.
The nights are the hardest.
Seriously need photoshop skills.
That's it then.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Don't like how it feels like after emerging from each meeting.

Maybe I'm not suited for bigger things afterall.

And I want to share these with someone who's willing to walk through these with me.

And not at this point of time, still worry if they are going to make out tonight.
The flame still burns.

But evidently, nothing's solved.

How do I tell her I'm not the same anymore?

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I am going to dig a big beyond bigger hole, roll into it, fill it up and never ever show my face in light again.


Monday, February 21, 2011

So sick of browsing through forums. The company needs to learn how to look at the bigger picture.

And so do I.

Listening to the songs I used to listen to on days I wake up, smile and thank god for her and on weekends where she filled my mind brings about such a deep ache within, I can actually tear.

I used to sing along to these songs with KS while we strolled to Summer Breeze. It was like this from when I could only see her till when my vision broadened to her and the fact that she wasn't standing alone.

The truth is, she could have and would have broken me many times before. Many many times before. But every time I nearly caved, I find her next to him.

And I become fearful again.

That serves as a reminder dude. I'm afraid of falling back into that jealousy insecure cycle.

I often think of the days when we used to hang out for dinner, catch a movie once in a while or knowing that we have one another. And it is still THAT great when we spend time together!

But despite that, I'm not the same anymore. I cannot accept the things I used to before.

You were my strength.

But it is obvious that you won't leave him.

It was hard enough watching her walk away time and again. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through it again.

I miss you.
But I can't go on without anyone making a move. Someone has to yield.

Guess that has to me.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Way too clever for me.
Do you believe what people say about being the truest when u're tired, maxed out and have had a drink?

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Funny how I can just type non stop when I'm talking about other things but I keep losing my focus, losing the choice of words when it comes to blogging about us now.

I am struggling between using my will power to let go and caving in.

Her recent bout of mood swings, attitude and confidence worries me. But I have to keep reminding myself that he's the one now. The hardest part is doing it fully aware that it's not doing her any good.

I really don't want to fall back into being that jealous type person anymore. I don want to only be her prized possession.

But I get so frustrated when I see how she's letting herself slip into her own abyss. Quoting ah Bert, it's like losing a part of myself.

And on days I get so wrked up and feel the power to regurgitate (spell?) everything verbally, i choke. I think it's best we clear the air because we are obviously misreading everything each other says or does but i fear coming clean with her because we have far too much misunderstandings. I feel like everything I say she reads wrongly.

It's like she thinks I'm out to doom her.

And our pride are holding us back from explaining ourselves.

Anyway I really think she's going to be better after this weekend.

One day she'll know I care. For now I can only lun.

And I'm going to post this up this time.

Good afternoon.

After all the talks, emails and books on marketing, I seem to have come to a bigger understanding that marketing is not my cup of tea.

It bores me thinking of how to sell something that is rotten from the inside. Meetin customer's expectations, brainstorming for new platforms to reach parents, thinking of ways to entice them seems so 2D to me.

The world is flat when it comes to marketing. I don't care that it's scentifically proven that it's round, it is still flat. That's how dull marketing is. I have used the same analogy when I was in uni. Who's to think it's to hit me again now?

There is far more to life than this!

I used to have big dreams when I was still a kid. What happened to them? Whatever happened to greenview's dream.believe.achieve? As we grow older, do we lose the will to dream? Do we get so sucked into this mundane lifestyle we daren't venture onto the road less travelled?

I feel like I've lost myself. I've lost my soul, motivation and drive. Where is my passion?

I want to break free.

You'll be alright now that the weekends are here.

Where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage

and I'm aglow with the taste

of the demons driven out

and happily replaced

with the presence of real love.

The only one who saves.

sidenote: Great meet up with Ellen today. Always love em meet ups.
sideside note: These headaches have got to end.
sidesideside note: Goodnight world.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Choking in voice, in thoughts and in words.
Maybe we should stop nesting the questions in our minds.

because you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of

And others just read of

Others only dream of the love,

of the love that I loved.
Feels like a bullet was drilled through my brains. Wrong time to feel like monkey god.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Bad crampsssssssssss.
You think it's so easy to just walk away.

You chose him man.
You know you won't leave him.
And you don't need me.

I just hope you don't do anything stupid.



Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Reckon the reason why I have more drafts than actual entries now is because I am doing things that I have to do.
And not necessarily all the things that I want to.

where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover

subdued in all her rage
and I am aglow with the taste

of the demons driven out

and happily replaced

with the presence of real love
The only one who saves.

But she the goddess,
and he apparently the one who saves.
When she says things like that,
she sends through my limbs the same sensation she used to bring when we touched.

The kind that nearly breaks your facade.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Difficult but she made her choice Yvonne. Just make sure she's safe and let it go you bitch.
cockroach moment.
Afraid of losing steam.

Monday, February 14, 2011

"God works in mysterious ways."
An overused but very accurate phrase.

I am not your typical holy person.

I don't go to church, I don't abstain from meat on Fridays, I don't pray and I especially don't usually devote any entries to him.
I believe in god, I respect him but I also frequently have bones to pick with him.
Especially in cases like THESE.

but this time around, I couldn't do it.
I searched for pictures of Jesus and I just couldn't feel anything. No hatred, no anger. Just plain ol' Jesus.

If you knew me before, you'd see how ever since Hilda, my relationship with god hasn't been firm at all.
Things got better when I went to Yellowstone and found peace with him - I mean come on, the man sat with me and brought my father back when I was quite literally against the world.

i HAD TO let the anger go.

At dinner tonight, I started feeling low again. And sitting with my family didn't help AT ALL. I wrote a loonnngg note hoping that posting it here would help relieve some of these pain but soon as I put it up, I took it down. It just didn't feel relieving at all. In fact, it only served to make me dwell in negative thoughts - something she taught me would result into something as devastating as what has happened.

Instead, I wrote a draft that goes like this. " Dear god, please give me the strength. " No idea where that came from. I just typed it - one hand on the phone, the other on my chopsticks.

So after dinner, I left and hooked up with Winnie for abit. Winnie has changed alot over the past 11 years. You'd be surprised at how different she is today from the Winnie we knew before. We spoke of very general stuff. We reminisced. She shared with me about her stories around the world, I told her about my very little adventures to SOME parts of the world. It was a good green tea chilling session despite not meeting for a year ( and only saying hi to one another LAST year. )

But most importantly, Winnie showed me, without her own realization, at how changes are not necessarily bad. Coincidentally, when I went home with Destin, he also randomly said, " sometimes we should have changes in life mah. Like that then not so boring. "

I think he meant it as a joke but... how much coincidences can there be in a day??

While I was bathing not too long ago, " God works in mysterious ways " suddenly came up in my mind. And then I thought about it and guess what, it's true.

It's easier said than done but alot of things are indeed a matter of perspective. (comprehensable only when you're in a better mood. Trust me.)

Weeks ago, I was worried about Valentines' Day. Valentines' Day hasn't always been a very important day for me. If you have someone, good for you! Otherwise, time will still fly if you do other things. But I had her in mind and in my heart. So I wasn't entirely thrilled at the thought of them having a merry good time together.

Then the fight happened.

And I totally forgot about Valentines' Day. I mean it was at the back of my mind but I didn't know it was up so soon. But when I was shampooing my hair, I suddenly had a thought that maybe it's better that she sees it over now. At least she eradicated all my expectations and hopes and all.

In case you've ever wondered, I've never blamed her. The reason why I went into hiding was coz I didn't want anyone to influence my mind further. I needed to know how I felt. It was natural if my friends started bringing her down. They will always be on my side. But that's not what I wanted this time. I needed the truth to the matter. I needed to know what I thought based on how I know her as and not based on what others judge. And that 2 miserable, absolutely agonizing days (I am not exaggerating, FYI.) made me realize how my previous bursts of insecurity and all must have made things wild for her too. For the both of us.

So at least now since she's made it clear, I can rid myself of any expectations and without expectations, there wouldn't be any disappointments. I might've hoped that she may miraculously choose to spend V day with me instead but now, there's no hope and hence, no disappointments. It can end up being kind of reliving.

Then when I was soaping myself, I thought of home.

My family has officially shifted in.

Remember how I was previously angsty about it? I thought I wouldn't be able to get used to the crowd and everything. Turns out things are better than I expected them to be.

Firstly, I HAVE 3 LIVING ROOMS NOW!!! I'm sorry but I need to flaunt this. I've never seen my house as a big house before until today. It is so beautiful and the best part is, we didn't even buy new stuff! Everything was recycled, old or madeshift and yet it brightens the house so much.

I am also getting comfortable with looking for Destin and Janelle once I'm home. Gives the house more life and more energy. They usually just stay in their room but I get to lie on their beds, sing songs with them and be a bad influence to them once i'm back.

Ah ma is seemingly happier now with the crowd around. It may be a little too soon to say but at least she hasn't fully blown (note the word 'fully') her temper since cny. And she lets me dwell in self-pity in front of her tv all day with big smiles on her face.

Mother is also less hectic around the house now with Rati around to help. And Rati is so much more of a better help than Isti, my previous, slightly psycho maid.

But most importantly, every inch of my house has memories of her. I swear it hits you even when you're poop-ing in the toilet. It's the happy moments that hurts the most and with her, I can only remember the smiles and laughters and jokes. Even if I do have occasional recollection of rough times, it all seemed trivia enough to ignore. And that's why it's so hard.

But now with the revamp, things MAY get a little easier, no? I get distracted at how grand the place looks now and with the change in arrangements and furniture like the coffee table, I wouldn't have to go " dammit, we used to look at pictures on this table together. " And if it gets too hard, I reckon I can always go to the other places where I don't see ghosts of her.

God works in mysterious ways indeed. These are blessings. He gave them to be a long time ago. I just needed the time to discover them. And apparantly he doesn't just give them out too. I need to work on them as well. Now that I've seen them, I need to constantly learn how to use them to pick myself up once again.

That said, it doesn't mean everything's gonna be easy from now on though. I know it'll hit me again. This roller coaster ride is like a time bomb. I can feel like a powerful king in control of my life one minute and like a helpless cockroach the next. When I'm King, things are good. I see the bigger picture, I tell myself I can live through this. But when I'm a cockroach, I just want to hide away from the world. I wanna choose the escapist way out. And this fluctuation of emotion is killing me.

But I know it's not entirely her fault.

I put lotsa pressure on her then and I had so much expectations outta her. Expectations I shouldn't be putting on her. 'No rights' was right. But I shouldn't have been bitter about it. In fact, I should've understood that and accepted that there and then. I also shouldn't have let my friend's words influence and confuse me... even if they meant well. Because I didn't talk to her about it. Since I didn't talk to her, I shouldn't have assumed. That was completely unfair to her. And I can only see it now when thoughts like these have spun out of control.

Had I seen it sooner, I wouldn't have hurt her and myself the way I had.

It really isn't going to be easy. I can feel it in me already.

Your heart rips apart when you see all your efforts and dreams for someone down the drain.
And it's not only us I'm talking about. It was like the walls we tried piecing down together. Like the confidence she was building up..everything. All stripped away from her. And from me.

But since this is her choice of happiness, I gotta respect her decision. Even if I can't, I need to constantly remind myself to. If you think he will bring you the happiness you want, he probably will.

I am not that noble and many a times, I really wish I could pull you back. I will miss you. I will be in absolute agony. I will be reluctant. I still believe in the things I believed in.

But I won't hold you back. Believe it or not, I never meant to.

Thank you for making my life so colourful before.
Finally a good night's sleep tonight. :))

Sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in some blissful dream
where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and I am aglow with the taste
of the demons driven out
and happily replaced
with the presence of real love
the only one who saves

I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face

the stillness in your eyes
convinces me that I
I don't know a thing
and I been around the world and I've
tasted all the wines
a half a billion times
came sickened to your shores
you show me what this life is for

I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face

in this altered state
full of so much pain and rage
you know we got to find a way to let it go

sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in the heart of it all
where the goddess finally sleeps
after eons of war and lifetimes
she smilin' and free, nothin' left
but a cracking voice and a song, oh lord

I wanna dance with you
i see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
i see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Need to be away from the family for abit. But there's no where to go.
Been trying to put the scribblings together from 11pm to now..

but the words get in the way.

Friday, February 11, 2011

I tried father.

I took 2 days away from the world.
But I just can't figure out why.

What did I do wrong?

Kelsey once said,

"Remember, kid, there's heroes and there's legends.
Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

Follow your heart kid, you will never go wrong."

She's not letting me in on what I did wrong, Kelsey.

And I feel like shit.
I'm so sorry I spent the weekend sleeping.
I'm so sorry I yelled at her on the sms.
I'm so sorry for letting everyone's words come between us.

I am sorry I may never have the chance to say it to her anymore.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

On a day when everyone finally leaves early, you're not around.
Took a slow stroll from the school to the playground last night.
The whole journey there, I kept thinking back on the conversation we had.
And the times we've shared.

I think I was a little too harsh.
But I am angry.

Angry that you could spend the entire day not letting me in on your status only to drop a bombshell like that.
That you could ask me to talk to you about things only to run away when things get heated.
Angry that you are going back to the easy way out.
Angry that you are not fighting for anything.
Not even yourself.
Angry that I don't know the answer to the many of my questions.

But I shouldn't have made my words sound like I did not believe that she's sick.
I don't doubt that she's sick. just that it may not be as sickly as how it seems.
That's what long weekends does to her. Not that I like it but that's just the way it is.
But it gets really frustrating when everyone comes up to you trying to dig for information about how sick she is or hints for you to psycho her to do otherwise.
And it's so much easier to tackle those attempts IF I knew what's really wrong. Otherwise all I can do is give some lame excuse and siam.

Before the bloodbath yesterday, someone asked me who I trusted more - her or her. Not paying much attention to the details then, I quickly answered that I trusted her more. But soon as I said that, I knew - with more certainty than I knew of myself - that that was not true.

She, I trust more. The only problem is on what grounds we're comparing it upon. I actually think she's been telling me all the truth. For everything. but my mind's been meddling with my believe. If it were for me to decide, I think she hasn't lied much.. but she's been hiding things. That's what kills me. But then again, what if she's hiding things so she won't hurt me?

Guess I don't make things a whole lot easier for her either.

I don't even know what I should do now since I don't know her bloody stand.

It's just feeling more and more like the MIA days. And you know how much I detest that.

You see that's why I don't have a good impression of you hanging out with him. It's like everytime that happens, you drop back down to this.

or is this your choice?

I don't know.

Hate long weekends.

And I really have to stop listening to angry songs.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight.
You'd be wrong if you ever thought that it was only painful to you.

Monday, February 07, 2011

I feel like a complete ass because you've been so nice. You've been more than nice, in fact. Yet I make you a victim of my own psychological struggle.
And you don't even know what the trigger point is.

but you won't understand.

You won't understand how it is to always feel so cheap and small at the time.

You won't understand what it feels like to not have any stupid rights. To not know where you stand. To not know what to ask or what you can get upset about or what you can say yes or no to.

or to hear how everyone is saying I'm a fool.

worse yet, to hear yourself calling me a fool.

You won't understand how it is to stand at one corner cracking your brains trying to understand how one person can have fun with two people at the same time or questioning myself if all the deep thoughts you've been showing me are one of the things you've shown him as well.

You also won't understand how this ego i've worked so hard on to build back is getting smashed, kicked and trampled on time and again.

or to think of someone you shouldn't be thinking of only to see visions of her in another person's arms.

and then.. there are also times where i feel like such a jerk for getting mad at you.

Because I know how hard you've tried.

I know how much obligations there might be. You know his family, he knows yours. You know his friends, he knows yours.

I get it. It's not easy. I never thought it was. But how do i know if this is even bothering you at all? What if I'm only just part of your fun?

Am I supposed to swallow my pride just because you've been trying? And what IS trying?

Am I even allowed to ask all these questions?

I mean even right now,
you have either me or him to take care of you no?

what's there for you to lose?

and he's still your boyfriend right?

what's there for him to lose?

you have no idea man.

You think I don't care about you?
why do you think it's so hard?

But if this is what you want,
then i dont think i can give you what you want.
and i really don't think you're willing to give me what i want as well.
Have you ever been so angry you find your body shaking in rage?

and then you feel so weak you just want to collapse and hibernate.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

4 days ago I couldn't stand the idea of going on a long break.
Now, I don wanna going back to work tomorrow.

Just want to go back to bed and sleep.

I am not that benevolent.
and you have no idea how small it makes me feel.
just wanna stay under here.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

at the end of the day, it boils down to this.

who am I?
What are my fucking rights?

And do you tell us the same bloody things?

do you come to me only when you are on the rocks with him?
if we hit a rough patch, will you go back to him?
do i have the right to say I dont want that?

why can't i call you anytime i like?
why must i consider whether you're with him?
why must i make myself the secondary option?
why can't i lift my head?

What is the line? WHY is there a line?

How much concern can i show you?
How much can i miss you?
when you say you're falling sick, how much can i say?
how much should i hold back?
how much can i trust you?

what can I get upset about?
what do I not get upset about?

what can i ask of you?
what should i not ask?

What can i expect of you?
what should you expect of me?

What can I share with you?
What should I not?

Because one minute you're making me feel like the king of the world.
the next I'm an aimless wanderer.

why are you deflating my ego like that?
why am I letting you do it?
is this all just a game to you?

can you not see the struggle?
can you not hear the whispers?

if you shush one minute,

can you hear yourself mocking me?
" heh heh heh. that's just a fool .... "
300 coz I couldn't say no.

Mark this day.

Friday, February 04, 2011

Gut feeling.
Sometimes it sucks that no one around truly understands what it feels like to have gone through those 3 months alone.

Alvin turned on to Spirit's soundtrack while we were daidee-ing today. These music pieces were the ones blasting from my psp during my slow walks to and fro the sanctuary back at Yellowstone so whenever I hear it, I'll experience this indescribable sense of nostalgia.. and accomplishment for being able to break boundaries. If i'm lucky, i might even feel inspired to do so again!

But when I tried to causally mention this to Alvin just now, he took it as a joke and turned the whole table to laughing at it. It's very disturbing to have people laughing at something so serious and meaningful to you.. but I also know from deep within that they will never fully understand that independence and joy I felt when I was there in 2009. Maybe this was what Kelsey meant when we spoke after her long camping trip with her family back then. "They were not there."

oh boy, those were good times.

Anyway, earlier this evening, I suddenly had a bout of dono-what-u-call of mother passing on one day.

And it doesn't feel good AT ALL.

Over the years, I have grown, no.. changed, from a person who grumbles but still work to a person who grumbles and DOESNT work.

And it's makes matters worse when mother is not exactly living the high life at 428. She slogs day and night before cny AND on cny itself just to keep the house guest friendly - while we keep ourselves busy gambling our money away. For years now, I've been hearing the yearn in her voice to join us. yet whenever she does, she either irritates everyone or feel obliged to take care of the welfare of relatives..

My mother can never sit still!

So when the night falls , she usually gets too tired to join us and bids us goodnight long before bedtime. Year after year, night after night, I have to see her walk back to the room in disappointment as she missed her chance to join in the fun.

This year's no different.

But by not contributing too much to the home this year, one question constantly pops up in my head:

am I unknowingly becoming my brothers?

Now that's a scary thought.

On a different and more exciting note, Day 1 of 4 has passed! :)

And my spanking new red undies have been doing me well. Haha.

Thank you for being the magic u are.

Gong hei fatt choi everyone!

Wednesday, February 02, 2011

These voices in my head are making me feel so tiny,
So worthless,

And so sensitive.

So not gonna like the long weekend.
I get jealous only because you mean the world to me.
He's family.
Oh give me a home
where the buffalo roams
where the deers and the antelopes play.

Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word.
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home, home on a range.
Where the deers and the antelopes play.

Where seldom is heard,
a discouraging word.

And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Like a walking target board. Without the walking.

Haven't walked in e rain like this in a long time.

I'm no longer one of those who purposely does it just to be cool... Or emo. Nope, I'm not that remarkable. Maybe one day I'll reach nirvana and do it like how e Seconday kids does. but not today. Today I am here for a less noble cause. I am waiting for a comfort cab.. Which doesn't seem to be appearing. Hah.

Right before Mai left work today, she asked me some real serious questions. Questions that are turning e alrdy spinning gears in my head.

Right now I feel like that Yvonne clinging onto e edge of e dark and empty well I was so familiar with. I thought I've long abandoned this persona. But sometimes ur darkest hours just creeps upon u like it was only yesterday u got through it.

I am so afraid I'll fall deeper into this well. But as Mai posted e many whys to me, instead of finding steps to put myself up, it feels like cold water are being slowly flushed down the sides.

I am losing my grip.

How deep does this well really go?

You give a push every once in a while. But is it safe to grab ur hands?

God. I think I need some good night's zzz tonight.