Monday, February 28, 2011

KS's mum says that I'm lost.

I have always held Aunty with high respect and she has indeed always been a good judge of character. So when KS told me about this some time back, it made me reflect alot. Made me think of where I can improve on and for a moment made me think of how I appear to be in front of others.

I think she's right.
I am lost.

Major revolution going through in the office today. Well, not entirely a revolution but people are voicing out to management about their unhappiness and they are ready to leave and how did the management react? - they increase my pay.

Mai gave me a heads-up last night so I was expecting drama. But I wasn't expecting this. Ask me - is it worth it? I don't think so.

Again, I feel for the 2nd time in a short span of 4 days, to be a backup. Not worth much on my own but always becoming more valuable only when the main act is no longer available.

At work I'm like that.
In relationship I am also like that.

Obviously they are not increasing my pay because they think I'm good but because they don't want me to leave. And why do they not want me to leave? Because they have no one else to count on.

But wait, doesn't this sound a tad too familiar from other aspects of my life too?

It's like I have no control of my life. Or I have no value.
I don't yearn to be top in everything, but I want to be the boss of my own life. It is mine ultimately, and not anyone else's to abuse isn't it? But why does it feel like as people get closer to me, they start puppet-ting me?

Is it them or is it me?
Am I allowing it to happen?

It drives me crazy to have to battle all these thoughts with mum's constant nagging for me to change jobs. She uses words like business model to talk to me. Haha. It's like the management in her is taking over again.

And so with that weighing in my mind, I walked around school only to realize that Mai was right - I'm losing everyone.

I need to build the guts to make a change in my life.
Perhaps biking will be good for my ego.
and volunteering will be good for the soul.

No comments: