"God works in mysterious ways."

An overused but very accurate phrase.

I am not your typical holy person.

I don't go to church, I don't abstain from meat on Fridays, I don't pray and I especially don't usually devote any entries to him.
I believe in god, I respect him but I also frequently have bones to pick with him.
Especially in cases like THESE.

but this time around, I couldn't do it.
I searched for pictures of Jesus and I just couldn't feel anything. No hatred, no anger. Just plain ol' Jesus.

If you knew me before, you'd see how ever since Hilda, my relationship with god hasn't been firm at all.
Things got better when I went to Yellowstone and found peace with him - I mean come on, the man sat with me and brought my father back when I was quite literally against the world.

i HAD TO let the anger go.

At dinner tonight, I started feeling low again. And sitting with my family didn't help AT ALL. I wrote a loonnngg note hoping that posting it here would help relieve some of these pain but soon as I put it up, I took it down. It just didn't feel relieving at all. In fact, it only served to make me dwell in negative thoughts - something she taught me would result into something as devastating as what has happened.

Instead, I wrote a draft that goes like this. " Dear god, please give me the strength. " No idea where that came from. I just typed it - one hand on the phone, the other on my chopsticks.

So after dinner, I left and hooked up with Winnie for abit. Winnie has changed alot over the past 11 years. You'd be surprised at how different she is today from the Winnie we knew before. We spoke of very general stuff. We reminisced. She shared with me about her stories around the world, I told her about my very little adventures to SOME parts of the world. It was a good green tea chilling session despite not meeting for a year ( and only saying hi to one another LAST year. )

But most importantly, Winnie showed me, without her own realization, at how changes are not necessarily bad. Coincidentally, when I went home with Destin, he also randomly said, " sometimes we should have changes in life mah. Like that then not so boring. "

I think he meant it as a joke but... how much coincidences can there be in a day??

While I was bathing not too long ago, " God works in mysterious ways " suddenly came up in my mind. And then I thought about it and guess what, it's true.

It's easier said than done but alot of things are indeed a matter of perspective. (comprehensable only when you're in a better mood. Trust me.)

Weeks ago, I was worried about Valentines' Day. Valentines' Day hasn't always been a very important day for me. If you have someone, good for you! Otherwise, time will still fly if you do other things. But I had her in mind and in my heart. So I wasn't entirely thrilled at the thought of them having a merry good time together.

Then the fight happened.

And I totally forgot about Valentines' Day. I mean it was at the back of my mind but I didn't know it was up so soon. But when I was shampooing my hair, I suddenly had a thought that maybe it's better that she sees it over now. At least she eradicated all my expectations and hopes and all.

In case you've ever wondered, I've never blamed her. The reason why I went into hiding was coz I didn't want anyone to influence my mind further. I needed to know how I felt. It was natural if my friends started bringing her down. They will always be on my side. But that's not what I wanted this time. I needed the truth to the matter. I needed to know what I thought based on how I know her as and not based on what others judge. And that 2 miserable, absolutely agonizing days (I am not exaggerating, FYI.) made me realize how my previous bursts of insecurity and all must have made things wild for her too. For the both of us.

So at least now since she's made it clear, I can rid myself of any expectations and without expectations, there wouldn't be any disappointments. I might've hoped that she may miraculously choose to spend V day with me instead but now, there's no hope and hence, no disappointments. It can end up being kind of reliving.

Then when I was soaping myself, I thought of home.

My family has officially shifted in.

Remember how I was previously angsty about it? I thought I wouldn't be able to get used to the crowd and everything. Turns out things are better than I expected them to be.

Firstly, I HAVE 3 LIVING ROOMS NOW!!! I'm sorry but I need to flaunt this. I've never seen my house as a big house before until today. It is so beautiful and the best part is, we didn't even buy new stuff! Everything was recycled, old or madeshift and yet it brightens the house so much.

I am also getting comfortable with looking for Destin and Janelle once I'm home. Gives the house more life and more energy. They usually just stay in their room but I get to lie on their beds, sing songs with them and be a bad influence to them once i'm back.

Ah ma is seemingly happier now with the crowd around. It may be a little too soon to say but at least she hasn't fully blown (note the word 'fully') her temper since cny. And she lets me dwell in self-pity in front of her tv all day with big smiles on her face.

Mother is also less hectic around the house now with Rati around to help. And Rati is so much more of a better help than Isti, my previous, slightly psycho maid.

But most importantly, every inch of my house has memories of her. I swear it hits you even when you're poop-ing in the toilet. It's the happy moments that hurts the most and with her, I can only remember the smiles and laughters and jokes. Even if I do have occasional recollection of rough times, it all seemed trivia enough to ignore. And that's why it's so hard.

But now with the revamp, things MAY get a little easier, no? I get distracted at how grand the place looks now and with the change in arrangements and furniture like the coffee table, I wouldn't have to go " dammit, we used to look at pictures on this table together. " And if it gets too hard, I reckon I can always go to the other places where I don't see ghosts of her.

God works in mysterious ways indeed. These are blessings. He gave them to be a long time ago. I just needed the time to discover them. And apparantly he doesn't just give them out too. I need to work on them as well. Now that I've seen them, I need to constantly learn how to use them to pick myself up once again.

That said, it doesn't mean everything's gonna be easy from now on though. I know it'll hit me again. This roller coaster ride is like a time bomb. I can feel like a powerful king in control of my life one minute and like a helpless cockroach the next. When I'm King, things are good. I see the bigger picture, I tell myself I can live through this. But when I'm a cockroach, I just want to hide away from the world. I wanna choose the escapist way out. And this fluctuation of emotion is killing me.

But I know it's not entirely her fault.

I put lotsa pressure on her then and I had so much expectations outta her. Expectations I shouldn't be putting on her. 'No rights' was right. But I shouldn't have been bitter about it. In fact, I should've understood that and accepted that there and then. I also shouldn't have let my friend's words influence and confuse me... even if they meant well. Because I didn't talk to her about it. Since I didn't talk to her, I shouldn't have assumed. That was completely unfair to her. And I can only see it now when thoughts like these have spun out of control.

Had I seen it sooner, I wouldn't have hurt her and myself the way I had.

It really isn't going to be easy. I can feel it in me already.

Your heart rips apart when you see all your efforts and dreams for someone down the drain.
And it's not only us I'm talking about. It was like the walls we tried piecing down together. Like the confidence she was building up..everything. All stripped away from her. And from me.

But since this is her choice of happiness, I gotta respect her decision. Even if I can't, I need to constantly remind myself to. If you think he will bring you the happiness you want, he probably will.

I am not that noble and many a times, I really wish I could pull you back. I will miss you. I will be in absolute agony. I will be reluctant. I still believe in the things I believed in.

But I won't hold you back. Believe it or not, I never meant to.

Thank you for making my life so colourful before.