Sunday, November 29, 2009

Managed to knock off work early the other day and while I was driving home, I noticed that there was a cricket/softball/baseball field on the opposite road and there were people playing there. Without thinking, I immediately made a U-turn and parked right behind a string of cars that probably belonged to spectators of the game. Was in the mood for Sublime so I put on the CD, lowered the chair and started drifting off.

I had absolutely no idea what I was doing there and then. I've never been a huge fan of softball - much less Singapore's softball. But it felt right. With Brad's voice blasting in the car and my mind drifting in and out of zzz, I could've sworn for a split second, I was back at the softball pitch. It was both disturbing and nice and I could have spent the rest of the evening there pretending to be Nicholas Cage in 'The Matchstick Men'.

But I felt like a creepy stalker after about half an hour ( of course unofficially, I was also afraid of being caught by a traffic police ) so I decided to leave. By then, my body was taking control of the wheel and in the spur of a moment, I found myself speeding towards Pasir Ris Park.

( Wished so badly I had a DSLR then. Sunday afternoon by the beach? Perfect photo-taking opportunity. )

Have you ever wondered when the last time you went kite-flying was? And were that good times?

Except for images of a loong white string coiled around a Yakult bottle, I have almost ZERO recollection of how it was like to fly a kite. But as I was strolling down the beach, I saw kids running around trying to get their kites up high in the sky. The children's laughter were beautiful. Makes me wonder if we would laugh as heartedly as them or would we be too cool to run around the field with a string attached to your hand? Off-hand, I can already list off some people who will NOT go kite flying because we're too old.

Anyway the point is, I've never been a go-to-the-beach-alone type person and it felt weird. But good as well. Nothing concise was going through my mind yet it felt like it was exploding with thoughts trying to run straight out into the sea and never return.

It was a very contradictory experience.. very painful yet very nice. Somewhat like how the skype date with Matej was last night. And I can see that it was the same for him as well. Especially when we started talking about how things were and how much we missed spending time together. A topic we avoided until the very end.

It has always been a love-hate relationship with Matej. More love than hate but oh god, there were times where I wanted so much to strangle him. But those instances don't last and by the end of it all, either one of us would attempt to make up in the oddest way ever.

" smoke? "

" we are watching a movie upstairs. Come join us if you want. "

" Want my tuna? "

haha. really weird.

But it was amazing how we could still finish off each other's sentences last night. Like we've been friends for years. And he's probably the only person that I can reminisce with without feeling.. stupid? Guniang? I can't find the right word.

I hope his plan to come really works.

Picture this.

In a setting exactly like that Christmas Party.

*round of applause.


Yvonne (sitting alone, guitar on hand ) : " This next song is quite simply the greatest composition in human history. And if you disagree, I will fight you. "

Sniggers by people like Justin who recognized the song.

Gonna find my baby gonna hold her tight gonna grab some afternooon delight.
My motto's always been when it's right it's right,
why wait until the middle of a cold dark night?

*Casey walks out slowly with his guitar and takes a sit while singing.

Casey and Yvonne: Wheeenn everything's a little clearer in the light of day.
Anndd you know that night is always gonna be there anywayy.

*Casey's brother walks in slowly with his guitar and takes a sit while singing.

Casey and his bro:
Thinking of you's working up my appetite.
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite.
And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting.

All ( BIGGG horny grin ):
SKY ROCKETS IN FLIGHT! Afternoon delight! AAaaah ahh afternoon delight. Aahh ahh afternoon deli-ight.

Started out this morning feeling so polite,
I always thought a fish could not be caught who wouldn't bite.
But you've got some bait-a-waiting and I think I might,
Try nibbling ( low voice, cheeky seductive eyebrow raising to the audience ) a little afternoon delight.

All: Sky rockets in flight!

Justin (from the last row in the audience + really feeeeling it like he always does ): Pooooooo!
* proud friends in the audience laughs; old people who cannot quite understand the craziness of the youngsters laugh.

All: Afternoon delight!

Casey does the solo.

Justin: woooop!

All: AAahh ahh afternoon delight! AAahh ahh afternoon deli-igght!

Casey's bro does the flute.
Casey looks at Sigrid flirtatiously for affirmation. I look at my friends for mine. They smile back.

Casey and Yvonne ( Casey's bro does the really hard high pitch harmonizing ): Pleeassee be waiting for me baby when I come arounnd. We could make a lot of love before the sun goes downn.

All ( with a lil' sychronized dumb left right front back action ):
Thinking of you's working up my appetite.
Looking forward to a little afternoon delight.
Rubbing sticks and stones together makes the sparks ignite.
And the thought of loving you is getting so exciting.

All ( including young audience and older ones who are crazy enough ):
Audience: Pooooooo!
Audience: wooop!
All: Aah ah afternoon delight! Aah ah afternoon delight! Ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ah ahhh

Casey's bro: We sound good.
Yvonne: We sound really good.
Casey: I'm freaking out. We sound GREAT!


All: Afternoon delight!


Proud friends in the audience laughs from deep within their belly and clap.

  • Justin reminds me of 'Afternoon Delight'
  • I'm not being narcissist - Casey and his bro are better singers/players/funnier than me hence they do the tougher harmonizing ( which I not so secretly want to learn )
  • No idea why it's Casey, his bro and me.
  • No idea why I'm doing this at this hour.
  • No one left yet.
  • Matej, Kelsey, Agata, Karolina laughs real hard and looks like they were really enjoying the show. :) They think we're sexy. hahaha.
  • Matej keeps yelling, " Oh My Gawd!"
  • Crazy Celia is laughing at how dumb we looked. Seriously woman.
  • Julie, Sharen, Evelyn, Yumi, Jana gets totally swooned over by Casey's bro.
  • Sigrid is so proud of Casey she could've cried.
  • Ann, Joe, Rita, J.P, Mara looks on with pride.
  • I can see Sarah, Nick and Orval probably rolling their eyes at how dumb we looked. Then Sarah laughs. ( I can literally hear it. )
  • Becky and Juliann doesn't understand the lyrics but they love the spirit. They were laughing too. Not too heartedly though.
  • Now I cannot stop thinking of how I sang the song loudly in front of Kelsey. WITH ALL THE WRONG LYRICS! I think I was screaming, " Fly Robinsons fly! " ( with tons of gusto! ) for like a million times until she went, " ermmm, I think you're singing it wrong. " ZOMG!
  • I will stage the perfect show one day and show the people downstairs that I'm better off without them.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Am sitting at Vivo's rooftop right now. It's 545pm - dinner time and most certainly the best time during working hours. I love sitting by the bench, looking at all the kids/teenagers/adults/old folks strut around the waddle pool right before heading over to the harbour for a quick smoke.

It's time like this do I wish I have a DSLR to capture a baby in pampers stumbling around the pool. Or kids making all kinds of geyser-like splashes as they chase one another. Once in a while, a kid would fall and the rest would crowd around trying to pacify him/her. I could even say I saw a boy offer his lollipop to cheer her up today and it wouldn't be weird but such wonderful scenes only happens in TV shows.

The point is,
Even kids knows how to care for one another.
What about adults?

3 weeks into this job and I'm starting to feel like I'm living a mafia way of life in the store. Somewhat like school actually, where different people have their different 'backings' so they'll look cool or won't get bullied by others. It's always good to have someone watch your back you know.

Likewise, everyone in the store has their own 'backing' and thankfully, I'm in the right gang of aunties (G.O.A) where the big boss is the most experienced and hence, most respected lady ( because nobody dares to step on her toes since she's been there even longer than the supervisor ). They tell me when's too early to leave or when's too late to leave ( can you believe this last phrase? ) or they'll go, " little girl ( they can't really get my name right ), stop pouring samples. Start packing up and wait for my cue to leave " or " little girl, don't leave before me. The supervisors here likes to pick on the newcomers. Tell me where or when you wanna go and I'll lead the way and they won't give you any trouble. "

woo hoo.

But even though they are always looking out for me, I still think they lack a certain compassion in them.

A wheel-chaired guy came by our puny lane today. He could talk fine but even holding a small paper cup proved a challenge to him. When he stopped to try my drink, we spoke for a while. Ok, MORE than a while and I have to admit that there were awkward silences for the most part but he still tried his best to yak on.

Unfortunately the G.O.A weren't too pleased with that. Not with me talking but with the man 'blocking the way'. And they didn't put it too nicely. ALL of them were complaining about how he was obstructing business or the human traffic after he left.

Hell, they get upset even when the Haagen-Daz promoter asks me to help her throw her rubbish on my way out.

Is this how the lifestyle here is right now? Or is it just the 'modern generation'? Does everything have to be in such a rush? Even co-workers don't bother to smile or nod at each other when we walk past each other at the back. Most of the time, I feel like an idiot always trying to be friendly.

And the truth is, when that cleaning uncle went overboard today, I felt good asking him to shut up. ( see, mafia. ) But, I felt bad thereafter because.. well, he's a senior and I shouldn't be so sarcastic to him. But he shouldn't be yelling at me FIRST. Especially in the middle of the crowd when I did nothing wrong. You know how that makes me mad.

Assumptions. tsk. Always makes an ASS of U and ME.

The most important question is..

Am I going to be like that as I grow older?

This is a screwed up place.

Friday, November 27, 2009

1:52 - 2:17

Love the solo.

Definitely more 'O.C' than 'P.S I love you'.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

1) IamnotaquitterIamnotaquitterIamnotaquitter.
Quitting is NOT an option.
2) Stop procrastinating! Start finding ways to leave.
3) Stop looking for your mum's affirmation. It doesn't happen and the sooner to realize that, the sooner you can leave this behind.
4) Stop expecting your family to treat you with respect. That does not happen either and things will be easier if you rid yourself of such expectations.
5) You depend on no one but yourself.
6) Don't forget to be a friend.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Still can't decipher you.
Relatives are coming in tomorrow through Sunday. Alvin has a room that would be freaking empty because he will be at camp most of the week. I have to go to work early in the morning every single day they are here. But guess what,

I have to vacate my room just because she thinks her sons will never let go of their room.

She confuses me all the time.

Why are they always at the top of her priority?
Why can't she be rational for once?

I'm really tired of this struggle.
Don't wanna fight no more.
Don't even need your love. Just PLEASE, be fair.

Do you know how tiring it is to play the role of a husband, a daughter and a shield?
Do you know how important having the faith is for your daughter?

But it's too late for that.

I gotta learn how to quit being a wuss and start walking away.

I've always been your unfilial child anyway.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

She said that if he was around, our lives could be worst off.

It's because of flashbacks like this do I not want to drink anymore.

But I know I'll miss Xie if I ever do leave Singapore.

Monday, November 23, 2009

But baby you're the right kind of wrong.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

The witch in grandma came out again today and damn it, just like how mother received most of the scolding even though her brother's the one that caused the fury,

She turned the bloody arrow in MY direction.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Left my PSP at the gym last night so I got Sui Ku to go retrieve it since it's at his place. But mr smart-alec over there decided to prank me and claimed that he couldn't find it. AND that someone else went into the gym right before he left and was using the machine I was on.

So the bottom line was, the stuff's gone. At least until he had his share of fun.

That's when everything became.. weird. Sorta. At that very moment when sui ku told me it was gone, I didn't think of the money; I didn't think of the movies; I didn't even think of the music, much less the games. What I was frantic about, however, were the pictures. Even though I have them all stashed up in my harddisk.

So I'm staring at the pinboard right now, looking at it the same way I was staring at them when I first put it up. The same way I've been staring at it every so often and with Weezer in the background, I can't stop thinking,

" We'll run away together, we'll spend some time forever - we'll never feel that (bad) anymoree. "

How do you keep saying the same thing without dulling the meaning of it?

But somehow, I cannot help but feel like I'm telling the big guy things that are meant for another.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Do you hear me? I'm talking to you.
Across the water across the deep blue ocean.
Under the open sky, oh my,
Baby I'm trying.

Monday, November 16, 2009

What's my bearing?

I'm really quite scared.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Meteorite Shower.

Sometimes I wonder if she puts down all my dreams just to hold me back.
Why can't she show me half the support she shows them.
Why does she always give me the false belief that she cares?

How the stickers for his bike are more important than me being late for work ( which is a result of her false information ) I can never understand.

Why I always need that affirmation from her I can never understand either.

I want so much to leave and abandon the life as I know it.
I want so much to have a clean slate so nobody is there to judge.

I want to be able to laugh at this ridiculous affection.

I want to be with my rolling rocks, marlboro and ranger boyfriend right now.

Feels like there's too much anger in me right now.


Definitely too much anger in me right now.
Tell them I don't care.

There's not a road I know, that leads to anywhere.
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark,

Lay right down, decide not to go on.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Can't write what I say,
Can't say what I write.
Everytime I try,
My tongue gets too tied.

So take in one big breath,
Maybe make that two.
For at this very moment,
My broken Spanish shall do..

Mi corazon es 2000 dolares away.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Interview tomorrow. Another one those companies who I know I won't wanna work at. To begin with, its website creeps me out. Half of its content was incomplete and half of the remaining half was lifted from the marketing textbook anyway. Weird company policy.

Needless to say, I wasn't able to gather much company info to prep myself for tomorrow. I did however, manage to stumble upon their ambition for 2015:

" To give 1 million presentations daily. "

Reach for the skies baby.

Sometimes I wonder why I even bother applying for jobs at these places I don't really like. Nicely put, I'm giving myself more exposures to interview stress. But why do this when I know that problems usually emerge after?

Problem 1: If there's a job offer, I'll have to make a choice.
Problem 2: If there's no job offer.. bummer.

I think the problems lies in me.

sidenote: Good bad dreams last night, last last night and last last last night. Woo hoo.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

If I were back there, I'd probably be receiving a " what are you doing litttle mushroom? " just about right now.

And that's all I need.

I miss Mara.
Why dream?

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

How can nothing be impossible?

Received two emails today that were supposed to be helpful but I couldn't even bring myself to finish reading it.

It looks like I've made the wrong choices again.

How can I not give up when everything ends up the way it is today?
How can I not lose the faith?

What are these aspirations if there's no path towards it?
Did I just spend 22 years living on... clouds?

So wanna be an Ostrich right now.
Think of me, Think of me waking
Silent and resigned.
Imagine me trying too hard
To put you from my mind.

Recall those days, look back on all those times.
Think of those things we'll never do.
There will never be a day
When I won't think of you.

If you ever find a moment,
Spare a thought for me.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

Can't help but feel... like in a picture of 5, only 4 is seen.
I'm home.
And pretty much beaten by the whole rush.

Sad to say though, it was a pretty good trip. I got to see lotsa family members whom I've either forgotten about or never knew existed; I got to see how the once lil' babies are now growing to be lil' rascals with really glib tongues; I got to see my uncle once more; and I got to learn alot about the rites, rituals and the lifestyle of the average Malaysian.

All in all, it was a good observation trip, a good cultural experience and despite having been to too many funerals over in Malaysia, I never once felt as happy to have spent some time with the extended family till this trip and this could probably be the last trip I'll feel so content about before I get sucked into the whole need to impress again.

America did do smth to me. Not sure if it's for the better or worse but whichever the case, I don't want this to be a short-term change. I like it this way.

Unfortunately, gatherings like this only comes about during funerals. It's really sad to note that every time we meet, interact and get to know more about each other, there's always one person lesser. Yet it's through trying times like this do we have the opportunity to really spend almost an entire day getting to know each other better.

But what I took home most from this trip is how simple some of the people there can be.. and yet, still be that happy and contented. I know it sounds cliche and all.. of how simplicity = happiness. But this is at a whole new level.

In Thailand and China, simplicity came because some of the people there were too poor to afford expensive, luxurious items. Whereas in Malaysia, as least in this particular aunt's place, the household was rich enough to buy like 3 landed properties, 5 cars, a motorbike and a garden. Yet their priorities were solely on their family and not other techy stuff like the computer. So much so, my aunt's daughter in-law ( I guess that makes her my cousin in-law? REAL PRETTY AND NICE BTW ) didn't even know how to switch on the computer. But they have a happy time sitting by the living room catching a movie together as a family. She works in the day, comes home to a huge pile of housework at night, has 3 kids to take care of ( 2 of her own, and 1 that's her niece ) and she doesn't complain. She smiles all the time, she's sincere in making us feel at home etc etc.. you get the idea.

Thing is, I don't think anyone I know - myself included, can ever be so happy doing shit work like that. Hell, I even complain about having to wash my own dishes. And much more than that, I won't spend the whole day entertaining relatives who comes over to visit. Sometimes, I even go to the extent to turning off the lights in my room to give the impression of being out. But when we were there, everyone came out to entertain us, to bring us around or just to prepare a room for us to rest our heads in.

Sometimes I really wonder if the huge difference is because of the generation gap or because of the different family's upbringing. I think it's a mixture of both but honestly, I blame grandma for a huge portion of how disgusting my immediate family is right now. Day after day, I can't bring myself to show genuine compassion for her and that makes me feel terrible. But she always says things or do things that just turns people off. And if everyone can just turn their backs and walk away from her, why can't I? If I stay, it's only gonna make me follow my mum's footsteps. And I gotta say.. my mum's seriously slowly turning into my grandma which only makes me that much more fearful of becoming them. No joke.

Grandma has to learn to let go to be happy. And so do the rest us.

And I really enjoyed the privacy I got from this trip. Love that I had lotsa time to read my book in the afternoons and that reminded me so much of Yellowstone. So much. Only that, I didn't really finish reading any books up on the mountains. At that time, my mind was so absorbed in formulating a way to stop the time ( or to spend more time with the people there ) that I forgot to stop and smell the roses. See, classic example of having problems letting go. But if you ask me, given the chance, I'ld probably still walk down the same path. Except, maybe I'll give myself an hour a day to talk to my ranger boyfriend.. something I stopped doing by the end of the season.

I suddenly feel like I have so much grievances to write about but I have no idea what to begin with. I think the lack of zzz is really getting to me so I better stop before I start going in larger circles.

Basically, I ..
1) really enjoyed the trip.
2) still miss the times up at Yellowstone.
3) love my free time
4) still wanna break free. [ note to self: rem to visit occasionally. ]

Alright. Enough.


I just want to tell you nothing
you don't want to hear.
All I want is for you to say..
Why don't you just take me where I've never been before.
I know you want to hear me catch my breath.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Bye Singapore.

If anything happens, you guys know I love you.

Monday, November 02, 2009

It's been 2 months since I got back.. 2 months and a day to be exact and even though I really enjoy the space and hate the thought of being tied down by a job, the thought of me having spent the past 2 months lazing around sickens me.

Alex got me a digital frame for ze birthday. Xie and Emily both treated me to (a HUGE) dinner and drinks respectively [note to self:] and there's even a cake this year! So except for grandma's moody, jealous and disgusting face, it was a good day. I even had a Kristen Dunst movie marathon! Though I've never really been a fan of hers. Oh wells.

Been spending the past couple of days with Xie and Emily lately. Who would've ever thought the three of us would hang out together one day? Strange world. But I guess it's uncertainties like this that helps make each day different - for better or for worse. And I still think what Xie did for Emily was very nice.

So the moment I got the digital frame, I ripped the box and placed like tons of scenic yellowstone pictures in it and boy oh boy, it made me both happy and I guess nostalgic at the same time. It was perfect. Especially when I turn it on together with some sentimental music.


There are so many things I would so wanna buy if I had the money.

Top of the list? DSLR! Followed by The O.C soundtrack ( they have the best mix of music. THE BEST. ), a 3G phone, macbook. And of course, a huge portion would go to my savings for my future migration or a holiday home plan. I know, I've always talk about saving my money and it never happens. But so far, it's been going pretty well. Hopefully, it'll stay this way, or get better with more money.

Sigh, if I were a rich man..

I really want/need/yearn to get a DSLR asap. I've never seen Singapore as a place where beautiful pictures can be taken. But lately, I've seen so many picture perfect moments, so many opportunities. If only I had the camera. Oh and of course the skill. Which reminds me.. I should drop by the library to get myself one of those camera books while I'm still bumming around.

The past couple of days have also been pretty mind boggling for me. Singapore Airshow offered me the Marcom position which I feel could be very useful for my resume in the future, be it in or out of Singapore. But the pay and the terms of the contract were just too much. It practically yells " cheap labour! " in a thousand and one words. But to turn away a money making opportunity just wasn't easy.

Generally, everyone except my mum ( ok and Xie who's nagging at us to get a job SOON ) thinks that the job wasn't worth considering. So I finally wrote in and turned down the offer today. Surprisingly, the moment I hit the 'send' button.. I felt relieved and like I didn't make the wrong choice. In retrospect, I'm sure if I accepted the job, I'ld be feeling upset about the pay and wondering if I made the wrong move. So there, I think I've finally made the right choice.

In other totally random news,
I miss the smell of nature so much.

Have you ever experienced a sense of longing, minus-ing the pain that comes with it?
America really has brought to me a whole set of emotions I've never had before.
Really miss the sceneries, the snow and many more..


To all of you American girls,
it's hard to imagine a world without you.
American girls,
I'ld like to be part of the world around you.
Driving a car by the seaside.
Watching the world from the bright side.