Thursday, December 31, 2009

For Old Times' Sake..
And days of Auld Lang Syne.
Went for a swim with Xie yesterday. Turned out to be more of a dip since miss oh-but-the-pool-is-so-dirty refused to continue swimming after like 3 laps? haha.. bet it's the occupational hazard. Can't imagine how we made it through all those overseas trips together! Gotta admit it though, the pool was really bad yesterday. I swear it's the kids!

So we headed for dinner @ Thai Express thereafter before spending the rest of the evening grocery shopping and scouting for her word puzzle book. It was a good night out. Swimming felt sooo great still. If it weren't for those pesty ( is this even a word? ) little kids that crowds the pool this holiday, I wouldn't have switched over to the gym which by the way, is also getting a little too crowded lately.

Don't know what the problem is but I just can't seem to get away enough from people. Maybe Xie was right. We were too gung-ho back in the council days. So much so we are now completely zapped out of every ounce of energy and all we wanna do is just rot away and enjoy our own me-time.

OK, 'we' might be a lil' too much of an overstatement here since Xie is obviously still in her honeymoon period regardless of how much she wants to deny it. haha.

The point is, we are supposed to be living in our prime right now! Instead, I feel like a 60 year old complete with arthritis and a bad tamper.

I still can't believe it's New Years' Eve already. I thought last year was pretty bad but this year.. wow. NOTHING. Remember how we used to wish we were of legal age to drink so we could crash various countdown parties? Suddenly not so enthusiastic anymore. I wonder how much of this has to do with the fact that Justin and Wei Wei aren't here. Or that some part of me is still loitering amongst the benches outside our dorm at Yellowstone.

Weird enough though, I'm kinda embracing these seemingly lonely time. You know it's very much like playing with barbie ( weird metaphor, I know. )- I get to create my very own make-believe world except my barbie and ken are wayyy hotter. And non-fictitious.

I don't even know how to explain to concerned friends how I'm feeling anymore. It sucks to have lived a life of getting to be who I want to be and do what I wanted to do just to lose it all in one night. And worst yet, there's no way of trying to share this with others who are nice enough to pretend to understand but you know that deep down, they can't grasp the concept a full 100%.

I guess alot of this has to do with the family. I've probably portrayed a really bad image of them throughout the years. For what it's worth, they are still family. It's just that, I think grandma screwed everything up and hence, preferential treatment and favourtism runs in our blood and that's freaking me out. I feel like I've lead a way over-protected ( ie, over-controlled ), biased, lack-of-faith, etc etc etc life and I want to break out of this. Most importantly, I wanna break out of being judged. But how can I ever achieve that?

Putting it bluntly, I wanna be that irresponsible kid who leaves the home, leaves the mum to explore the world. I don't wanna be that person who gets stuck between doing what I want to do and feeling obliged to stay behind to 'accompany-my-mum' while the rest of the family gets to do what they want.

I hate this struggle and I wanna get rid of it. I don't wanna be my mum.

So when an unexpected experience such as that of YNP comes about, how can I make myself let go?

But who will understand all these? No one back home was there. No one there was here. Yet everyone thinks they know me so well.

Makes me laugh sometimes.

Still ah bert is right. I don't think I would ever wanna trade this year up for anythingelse.

Happy 2010!

I'd like to make myself believe,
that planet Earth turns slowly.
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay
Awake when I'm asleep
because my dreams are bursting at the seams.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

always always ALWAYS the compromised one.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

.. sneaking away from his vigorous training, he wanders far off to a secluded corner of the beach.

This place has grown familiar to him after his last twenty visits or so.
Even so, this routine never grows old.

Taking a deep breath, Sam preps himself for a sound that seemingly makes even the tiniest leaves sway.

" Kellyyyy, niii haoooo mahhhhh? "

" Kelllyyy, niii haooo mahhhh? "

" Kellyyyyyyyy.. "

Merry Christmas everyone.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

It's like ouch.
and ouch.
then ouch ouch ouch.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Why do I feel like I'm walking away from my conscience when she did me wrong first?

Band Aid.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Is it weird that I miss them or 'WB' especially much when I drink?

Had a great night out with KS last night. We met for dinner at Whitesands. Wanted to try the new subway healthy meal but the price makes it wayy out of the question. Especially in my jobless and extremely penniless state. ( Bloody pay's only gonna come in either christmas or maybe even later than that! )

We COMPLETELY finished walking around Whitesands before making our way to Summer Breeze, a pub at Pasir Ris Park - kinda turning into our hangout pub. And because it was only 8pm, we decided to WALK there. It isn't a looooooonnnngg distance but it was long enough for our legs to feel sore by the end of it. Still, it was fun. We managed to talk about alot of things.. from the day we met ( which was a good 10 years ago ) till the present. And when that was all done, we started reenacting F.R.I.E.N.D.S scene. After all these years, I've only just realized how crazy he is of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. He's actually crazy about that more than anyone I've known.. he know's every script of every scene! Everytime I pop out a random sentence, or phrase, he's able to complete it.

Is that crazy or is that crazy?! haha.

So we ordered a tower of San Miguel and SJ joined us for a while. And I really mean a while. Like 1 hr?

KS and I resumed our 'deeeep' conversation after SJ left before heading to the 24hrs coffeeshop for Rojak.

So you see, it was an expensive and fattening night. But you know how they say that the best nights are the most sinful ones.. This one night of fun has cost me SO MUCH. :(

I love it when you call,
I love it when you call,
I love it when you call.
But you never call at all.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Have you ever felt something so strongly but you can never seem to point a finger to it?
You get so confused, you don't know how to choose.

Then you pick up something.. a movie; or a book and everything seems like a sign - like all your memories put into a story.

And out pops the most aptly put phrase somewhere in the story.

Do you call this a sign?
Is James Patterson a sign?

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Can I call you sometime?

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Those 3 messages can now only serve as a very painful reminder of how you have made me stronger.

Drowning deep in my sea of loathing,
broken your servant I kneel.
It seems what's left of my human side
is slowly changing in me.

Looking at my own reflection
when suddenly it changes,
violently it changes.

There is no turning back now that you've woken up the demon
Everyday I mutter a sorry meant for you.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Beauty so unavoidable,
Everywhere you turn, it's there.
I sit and wonder,
what am I doing here?

But on the telephone line I am any height,
I am any age, I want to be.
I could be a caped crusader,
0r space invader,
And you wouldn't know the difference.
Or would you?

Saturday, December 12, 2009


and grow.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Life is full of contradictions isn't it?

I feel like I'm a person without a soul; without spirit or drive. But as much as I hate this auto-pilot lifestyle, I'm enjoying my lesser-obligations way of life.

Looks like the last week was the LAST week.

Been on MC the past 2 days so I can't go in for the final 2 days of work.. which is quite weird. Have you noticed? I ALWAYS fall sick on the last week of work.. like somehow my body knows everything's ending and it's not willing to hang on for a couple more days.

I don't admit it because I'm too proud to do so but I think I'm gonna be at least a lil' bummed out over having lost this job. Well, lost is not the right word but the fact lies that I'm jobless again. Getting a job, earning some money is like taking the next step towards gaining independence and being less frowned upon by the family. And now that this is over, I'm sure the " have you been applying for jobs " naggings are gonna come flooding in again.

If they are nagging because they are concerned, I can neither see or feel it. It's like they nag just for the sake of nagging.. for the sake of me not disgracing them rather than because they want their daughter/niece/that girl to grow up being successful.

So the job was good because I get to be further away from them; away from their stares and words but it compromised my exercise time, my me-time and other non-monetary things. And I'm not sure where to draw the line of being balanced.

That said, I'm also glad that it has all ended. Firstly because I was totally over-exhausted over last week's posting at Turf City. Somehow, I think the travelling was what made me so worn out. Also, it's high time I focused all my energy into applying for full-time jobs.. IF I may.

Oh, and not to mention all their surprises. Damn those " come in at 10 tomorrow " messages.

Sigh, why does it all have to be so hard?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

gastric flu is like having a hangover without the alcohol. and much more.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

feel so sick.
I live my life and I'll do what I want to make ME happy and I shan't care if that makes you happy or not.

If you can hurt me, why can't I hurt you?
Why do you still insist on sending me on these guilt trips?

Hey There Delilah

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

man down; man down!

Saturday, December 05, 2009

If I were to pen down these words in my head,
do you think I can maybe piece out a song?

Friday, December 04, 2009

Was listening to Basket Case over and over again.

Do you have the time
To listen to me whine?
About nothing and everything all at once?

I am one of those -
melodramatic fools.
Neurotic to the bone
no doubt about it.

Sometimes I give myself the creeps.
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me.
It all keeps adding up,
I think I'm cracking up!
Or am I just paranoid ?
Am I just stoned?

Until I remembered about Pachelbel's Rant.
Still so funny.
Seems like frustrations like this helps clock my best timing.

At the expense of an effing abdominal pain.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Gotta be strong.

Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Good sun for a swim today.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009


Could you ever know how much I care?
Could you ever know that out somewhere,
there's a boy who really hurts?