Friday, October 28, 2011

After fumbling for several weeks,
the ShaVon mix
is now complete!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

have you ever felt like rage has taken over you and you've lost all control of rationality?
have you ever made so much mistakes, you choose to continue living in one just so you don't have to face the consequences of your actions?
do you believe in the existence of evil spirits?

why does nothing make sense anymore?

so many things have happened recently.. so many people going through pain.
i don't know where to begin.

the maid leaving, sui kim shifting out with janelle, ah ma going crazy/dementia-tive/manipulative/self-pitish/real-pitish, alex threatening to slit mum's throat/ sui ku only blaming, never solving.

with all the juice going on at home, who needs 爱 right?

if you stood beside me and saw the look on grandma's face when she was yelling... if you looked in her eyes that night - that power hungry demon yelling to come out, if you saw how violently sui kim reacted during the fight (i'm on her side btw), if you read alex's messages yesterday, you would know what i mean.

and even without live broadcasts like that, i'm pretty sure deep down, many of you already understand what i'm trying to say. Why did I lose my cool that day? Did i really say that? I will kill you! Fuck you fuck you fuck you! We've all had similar days. If you disagree, welcome to ah ma's club.

Question is.. are these the result of our poor anger management as explained by science. Or are these evil spirits messing with our minds as explained by religion (mum. haha.) ?

I think it's a little of both. Because of our poor control of rage, we lose control of our thoughts. And because our spirit is weak, violent thoughts come to mind. I mean, if someone were to piss us off, why don't we think of 'bless you bless you bless you because the bible says we should bless those who curse you!' instead ?

ok maybe something not so loser-like.. but you get the gist!

sure, media plays an big role. but doesn't the weak spirit thing make sense too? do you remember that friend/classmate/acquaintance/relative who never utters a word of violence when they are mad? they exist!

Not just pointing fingers here. I'm a 过来人! or maybe still a 过ing 人. i've wanted to kill my brothers/mother too. I was maybe primary 6? fat, dirty and sitting by the stool at the gate staring them down while they were happily yakking and laughing away.

something like that but less cute and with teeth!

and very softly, i repeated these words like a chant over and over again:

I will kill you. I will kill all of you. I will kill you. I promise one day I will kill you.

I kept repeating that because they were laughing at me. They put me down together to look good and they hurt my pride and mother laughs along with them because she loves them. She doesn't care that they are looking good at MY expense! She just wants to make them laugh because that makes her happy.

except, i can't remember what they were really laughing about. All i knew was that they were laughing at me and I wanted to kill them.

evil spirit? you tell me.

a couple of weeks ago, mum made me so angry with her favoritism, why didn't you just die popped into my head. i didn't mean it.

That's why alex's outburst sent me thinking. How can we both be having thoughts of the similar genre in such a short period?

In psychological terms, the ID was speaking. But isn't the ID, Ego and Superego also represented by the angel and demon resting on our shoulders? How different can science and faith be when it comes to desires and socially acceptable behaviors? Do we explain self-control with brain synapses or prayers?

But I could understand Alex's rage yesterday. I understood how he couldn't at that moment control himself. I could imagine the anger and the frustration boiling. but i also wished he could see how he was snapping over the wrong thing in the wrong way. And i was too ashamed to judge.

Wasn't I, too, facing the same problem just a couple of weeks back? who's to say it's no longer there?

As you all know, Alex and I never had a good relationship growing up. Mother's illness forced us to communicate a little bit more these days but still not (and never will be) in the I-will-share-with-you-my-problems way so why did yesterday happen? Strange as it was, it helped me see things from the other point of view. and i've got a secret to share! i know better than alex what he is really frustrated about. But like grandmother like brother like sister, we're all taking it out on the wrong things/person. Escapists, aren't we all? hehehe.

poor mother. always within the shooting range.

but while you'd think that the recent spate of drama would've thrown us all off the roof, i'm actually surprised that the rest of us are reacting by spending more time laughing and doing stupid things like hunting wild boars in the middle of the night or watching lame shows like sharktopus together . When ah ma acts pitiful, we laugh. When grandma twists the story, we laugh. When she tries using different people to be her pawn, we laugh. And it's really funny - not in the disrespectful way. Did you watch money no enough 2? it's the same kinda funny. Sad funny.

There's nothing we can do except laugh it off and try to take things with a pinch of salt. Grandma has changed alot since Australia. She asks the same question in the same conversation and either forgets information or twists the things she remembers. Everything we do is wrong. Nothing we give is enough. and we are all not prepared for this.

It seems like the only time we feel something close to bitter sadness is during the short period of time a day when she is lucid enough to realize that she has exhausted all her cards and that they aren't coming back. She looks so pitiful it hurts. But as soon as we give in and start giving her what she wants, she forgets the reality of it and her demands gets absurd again.

is contentment really so hard to achieve?

why is it i no longer understand these things?

Monday, October 17, 2011

2 days ago, the maid hid in my toilet shaking because she was afraid she would harm grandma.
Yesterday, that maid walked out.
Today, 2 family members packed up and left.

My grandmother. The epitome of insanity.

Friday, October 14, 2011

many many first times today.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

food poisoning. Weak. Painful. Cold.

Friday, October 07, 2011


Wednesday, October 05, 2011

started as strangers, not so queer
you made it through despite the fears

who would've guessed despite the jeers
your secret love made it through the rear.

but things got heated along the way
not as happy as in the day

yet despite the obstacles there you lay
in each other's arms you often say

now things have changed on this special day
and not in your favourite kinda way

one hiding behind shades of tears
the other indulging in endless beer

whichever way you're letting out,
make sure that you never doubt

try to remember the times so near,
ask yourself and see it clear
what is it you really want -
is this a chapter or is this done?

separate ways this time for real,
or back in thy arms, that one so dear?

no matter how the rays may shine,
keep this one little thing in mind
it doesn't matter what you both may say
we have all gone down this way
in times of need and sheer dismay
through it all your friends, we'll stay.