Friday, September 30, 2011

it's not about the money money money.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

finally a day to rest.

Haven't had the drive to write recently. Like having the wind sucked outta me. And quite literally, this flu bug nesting in me right now IS sucking the wind outta me.

Everyday I'm doing these routines.. everyday I straddle the line between spacing out because of all the sudden changes or to beef up and take everything in my stride. Changes are... incredible. The way it hits you, the way it tests you, the way it opens your eyes.

And CIs have the knack to whack you from behind outta no where.

I don't think i've had it worse than everyoneelse from the recent sagas and i count my blessings every single day with the thought of how much worse things could've gotten without his love and his guidance. but that doesn't mean i've been able to get all my emotions in check.

HSM has a song called " put your head in the game. "And I've been doing that every single day. I wake up, I cook, I clean (less!), we go to the hospital, we go to the market, I have my tea, I have my wine (tryna retain some class here you know you know), and albeit increasingly less, I clean the room. All in all, I'm like the part time huang lian po cum tai tai cum bum. Day in day out I tell myself to take pride in my objectives now and to take the chance to pick up new skills and take up the responsibility at home. I really am learning alot in the kitchen but the magic or the will to see things half cup full seems to be vanishing very slowly. I don't hate it now.. but i still feel like i'm running away from something. Reality maybe.

That said, I'm not exactly living the pitiful life most people in my shoes now should be living. quality of life still matters baby! so time is still set aside for tv, to worry about the upcoming RTT test, to throw tantrums, to cycle, to hang out with friends, and to fuss about life in general. It's just less guilt-free and I have to keep an eye out for things at home whenever, wherever, whatever i'm doing. So the pace now is like on interval training. Zoom in zoom out when on the move like in between places, and slow and steady during. Thank god for the car. There have been nice touches here and there lately though.. I've been able to cycle more, I got to jump start my still-rotting-but-very-much-loved camera , I got to meet up with everyone, go to new places, go for a couple of rounds etc etc.

But everyday, anger also seem to be creeping up my back more and more.

i dono if it's the lethargy or the lack of sun or the frustration or the pms or the de-sharonizing effect but it seems like my only form of communicating at home now is by shouting.

" mother, can you stop?! "
" stop changing your mind! "
" i'm cooking la! "
" What the fuck? " ( gasp yes, the four-letter-word! )

And i get these waves of anger that hits me before i can keep them in check.

Just the other day, I was peeling the pomelo and it started squirting at me left right centre and I honestly contemplated smashing it!

Too much hell's kitchen on starworld.

i think Mai hit the spot though. in a teacher scary askkk-yoursellffffff-deeplyyyy way. from aust to sharon to home, i haven't had the time nor enerygy to sit down and digest everything yet. everyone wants in on the scoop of things.. but there's really no story to tell. we had a good run, it was real feelings while it lasted and then we went our separate ways. She chose the treadmill while i the road. However you wanna interpret that metaphor. hehe. It wasn't exactly an easy process.. which one will be, really? But i've never let her down and i think that one night, i sought comfort in that and things just kinda lay out after that - especially with all the things i've seen in Aust while it was happening. Travelling alone makes you notice things like that.. and you remember what you wanted in the grand picture. The one you've lost track of. You know how teachers/parents always say to give in your best for your exams and when you fail it, at least you know you've put in your best? i think this was the feeling they were trying to inspire. And quite awkardly, separately the realization tastes sweeter than the win, ceteris paribus of course.

The bitter medicine here however, is saying bye bye to baby. No more smelly breaths, whistle barks, wet paws or standing ears. :(

Not saying my family is not driving me nuts though. Mother's favoritism DESPITE; them commenting that I have lotsa free time; ah ma's dramas etc... it's all the same. there's no point ranting on and on, but i want to anyway. HAH! It's a never ending circle. And I've decided that I should just let it go.. but self-inspiring words always sound so much better than the action itself. it still annoys the hell outta me.

And the upcoming RTT really is so not helping.

phew. life!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The sudden onslaught of critical illnesses is an emotional process.
But what many don't know is how even more physical, mental and emotional things can get during rehab and recovery for both patients and caregivers alike.

we are all deadly exhausted.
and i really miss the sun.

but who's to say mum's random humor would stop?

Was doing speech therapy with mother yesterday and a particular exercise involved reading aloud 10 different words daily and forming simple sentences with them. Yesterday's first word was "establishment."

I was anticipating a simple, nonchalant type sentence but APPARENTLY, the only sentence my mother could think of and felt most appropriate to say out loud was..

"this establishment is managed by Huitann."

hahaha. Guess we never knew how much she liked Huitann.

Thankfully, things are finally starting to stabilize. With her determination and our dedicated care and basic hospital-cat/fish-and-relatives maintenance, mother is recovering and responding well to the many many MANY rehabs and therapies. Alex and i have also slowly started to learn how to share the responsibilities and Alvin does his part too except he's been too far to make most decisions with so he mainly drops by in the evening to provide the extra pair of hands. Most importantly, Mother is getting better at walking and doing basic things independently now so the stress is starting to ease up. Naturally, we still get frustrated with things every now and then and sometimes little dramas do not help but everyday we are learning to cope with them. Thank god! and thank friends who have been showering us with love, surprises, breakfasts, laughter and patience esp during the critical period.

and did i mention the hotel-like room and maisarah's seh therapist who comes everyday, turned back to ask my name and lives only 7 blocks away? (she volunteered that information. HEE. perks.)

Monday, September 05, 2011

8 years now. love you jin.

Friday, September 02, 2011

I want my healthy mother back.