Wednesday, March 25, 2009

It sucks when you're zzzy, and you know you need the zzz to burn the midnight oil but you can't because one side of your nose refuses to breathe!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Was speeding down PIE today when i was still overwhelmed with anger, jealousy and that feeling of wanting to eradicate all bullies in this world. ( By bully, i don mean those Fat, stouty boys we always see on tv. )

Anyhow, it was a dangerous emotion to be in when you're driving. I got pissed with like every single car that cuts my lane without signalling or who were behaving like .. well, bullies. So everytime i see a car signalling into my lane, i'ld make sure i'ld speed up to prevent them from coming. And when they do still insist so, i'ld tailgate them till they have no choice but to change lanes again.

That was until when i reached like clementi or smth, when i suddenly had this flashback of last night's rendevouz with xie. Given her really good direction giving, i had to master how to change lane within split seconds and that wouldn't be possible had it not been for some nice drivers, like a particular white car that slowed down when he/she was like 3-4 cars behind when no other car was willing to let me pass.

And THEN, i realized i had morphed into a bully as well.

That white car is like, god i guess? The flashback came as a sign to remind me that there are good people in this world as well. Even though they only make up like 10% of the entire population, we still have to be fair to strangers in case they are one of the 10%

Am i holy or am i holy? Heh..
Please bare with my nonsense until i start feeling better.

Anyways, speaking of xie, we went for an unplanned trip AROUND singapore last night. And i started regretting today after realizing how close exams are. haha. Took some pics. Not sure if i'm ever going to be not-lazy enough to put it up but i'm sure i'll come around it eventually. :)

For now, it's back to jatropha.


Saturday, March 21, 2009

A couple of days ago, i wanted to post a major long article, ranting on how frustrated i am with gms and how i can't understand why almost everyone i know says that it's the most meaningful subject they're ever had in uni.

I was never more sure on how much i cannot understand the business world. That was until after 2-3 days of stress and non-stop deciphering. By then, it was the middle of the week and i was getting pretty exasperated over not understanding why i can be so different from the rest of the "business ppl".

Then i remembered about the JC days where i used to hate chemistry and maths as much as now. ok, maybe not as much as, but still, it was bad enough for me not to pay a single bit of attention in class. Apart from the wonderful not-my-class's-maths-teacher ms seah and chemistry tuiton teacher, who was actually my snr, i was also saved by Jack Neo.

yes, the producer Jack Neo. More specifically, it was ' I-not-stupid'. Can't rem if that was my first time watching the show, or the many many-th times i've watched it but there was this segment where the wanton boy said that if he wanted to master his maths, he had to "love the subject, feel for the subject, etc". or smth like that.

And i stupidly mimickd him in jc2. Turned out that it wasn't that stupid after all.

soooo, i tried applying the very same logic to gms.


instead of finding reasons to run away from researching and understanding what was discussed in class, i tried to face it, google it and find the fun in it ( mary poppin's theory ) and now, the world is not as flat as it used to seem.

although i'm not exactly an expert in the world of cross-border businesses, the subject itself seems to be much more fun and meaningful than before.

The problem, however, lies in my senseless reluctant/fear/stubborness to say a single word in class. It makes me feel like however much i'm trying to help/contribute for every project, my contribution's overlooked. The teacher will never know, i don't think even my own group notices. And it's the same everywhere.

That can't do, can it? The 'slow and steady' tortise doesn't win the race anymore. It's the 'fast and efficient' rabbit that does now. i seriously need to break out of my comfort zone.

but then there's the group. it's not like it's a bad group or smth. But i somehow feel that there are too many leaders in the group and that's probably part of the reason why i can't speak up. No one's listening anymore.

it's so bad that sometimes i feel that success is no longer measured by how much you know. it's more of how you are able to make people HEAR you.

and it's not only something that exists in proj groups. even at home, i'm surrounded by self-proclaimed leaders. People who force their opinions on others. People who see themselves as the most mighty and the others, ignorant.

Sometimes i blame mtt. had he not drill so deeply in us the whole concept of servant leadership, i'ld probably get used to how things works in uni/the working world. And because of this, it seems like only the gvsc ppl can understand why i'm so hung up on this.

can you see the mockary? by breaking us out of our comfort zones then, mtt has in fact created another set of comfort zone for us.

and this time, it's up to be to break out of it.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Oh no! AIG is closing down! and our WAT's insurance is under AIG. ohh noo.

Speaking of WAT, poink has finally retrieved my passport back for me and she herself has also gone through the visa interview already.. which means that.. unless there's a terrorist attack or natural disaster ( choy! ), after so many many procedures, our trip is 99.9999...9% confirmed!

But i'm not sure if i'm that excited or not. Maybe the whole waiting time killed off that initial excitement already, but the America just seems so, unreal. Aiya, but i'm probably just acting cool, i'm pretty sure the excitement will be back once exams ends, SINCE it's only 6 days away from the trip.

I'm finally stressing less over FYP already. Maybe because the deadline's extended or maybe becaue it's near completion but whichever the case, I'm starting to feel slightly more non-chalant over the whole thing.

What matters more now is GMS and this stupid fear of me talking in class. And i'm not talking about just mere quietness. In class, my mouth's like just sewed up. Even if i have things to say, i'ld just mumble them under my breath. I think most of them have yet to hear my voice at all throughout this 3 months. That's how bad. GEEZ.

Anyway, I gotta meet up with many people soon. But the insanely packed semester's is making this impossible. seriously. 5 day work week does not apply to uni STUDENTS. Sigh. But i really do want to spend some time with my friends before i fly off to America. Especially since these are the friends who stood by me throughout my painful uni days. Alright, not THAT painful, but it's still one of the worst experience i've had. I wonder if i'ld still feel this way after graduation.

Alright, time to zzz.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

i'm feeling really depressed over fyp.
most submitted their reports today.. and i'm still stuck with trying to come out with a decent one.

you know the term 'reconstructing the wheel' ? My fyp journey's exactly like that. We talk about the same things over and over again because things gets forgotten. Problems that were brought up a long long time ago were snubbed at and yet now, these are the serious problems that they are nagging at me to solve.

i wonder what happened to their arrogance when the issue was first brought up?

I really need my beer-ly fix. i can't cope with so many unfinished businesses. Really stressed, really scared. But i can't. because of fyp. tons of final year ntu students are out there celebrating, while i'm slaving here for god knows what grades.

And where are my teammates? Working at a pub tonight.


makes me wonder if there's a positive correaltion between being rich and being unbearable. see, too much fyp.

Is everyone in the working world going to be like this? It seems like those ard me, those working with me are slowly evolving this way. Am i supposed to face more of such selfish ppl as i move from one stage of life to another? The mere thought of it is giving me such a headache.

Been reflecting alot lately.
About how ppl are, about how i've evolved.
you know how life's about learning right? About picking things up as you go, about being a better person.
i don't feel myself doing any of it.

I see lotsa ppl having so much fun at uni. Lotsa ppl are finding themselves. But i'm doing just the opposite. I'm losing myself in this big big world.

There was one time where i used to think that the world is my oyster. Now i no longer do.
maybe it's my increasing lack of faith in god.
i used to think that things will fall into places eventually, that there's no need to worry that much. this notion has disappeared completely.
my distance with god seems to be getting further and further. I have that sudden need to be in control of my life and not taking things easily, with that unfailing faith. it's as if i've grown suspicious of my surroundings. that someone/smth out there is finding the opportunity to pounce on me. To take away everything that i've worked so hard for. Like they're watching me.

i don like being judged. i HATE being judged. but that's what the world is about. judging each other.

haven't i been judging too? all those complains and everything.


i'm becoming...

one of them.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Spoonful Of Sugar.

In every job that must be done,
there is an element of fun.
You find that fun, and....
the job's a GAME!

life would've been so great..

If we were smart enough to NOT do SPSS.

Really really stupid.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Hate that i can't stop thinking.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Yet another man who killed himself in ntu.
There must be lotsa buzz going ard - asking why and is ntu really that pressuring? i hope the press learns about the dirty stuffs in ntu. but the press being sph.. ha. who am i kidding?

Why wouldn't ppl kill themselves?

what with the pathetic fyp mates they have, irresponsible fyp supervisor, crazily packed deadlines and the unfeeling marking scheme. oh wait, those are the reasons for ppl like me.

Honestly, i think that's the only way to wake them up. To spook them for the rest of their lives. I can't stand their irresponsibility any longer. it's like a dead-end, pointless fight.

NTU says that students who are stessed out can approach their supervisors for help.

But can they really?

FYP ( at least for business )doesn't do peer evaluation - not like it helps anyway - and it had a substatial percentage of marks going to the cohesiveness of the team. sooo, what it bascially means is that if we were to approach the tutor, we have 0 cohesiveness. it also means that free-riders are absolutely encouraged in FYP.

And what makes them think that supervisors are willing or have the ability to help?

Imagine having a supervisor who replies your updates claiming that he's too busy till end of april ( way after the submission date ) to check up on us.

And this reply came AFTER the whole stabbing incident. smart.

so can we really approach our supervisor for help? sometimes i really wish i could.

have it not been for my friends and neighbours, not for jasmine, and not for the thought of how my mum's gonna survive with the 2 rude, domineering and behave-like-they-are-kings sons, things may have gone very very wrong a long long time ago.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Ever since i came home for the (not quite) hols, i've been battling with countless debates in my head.

Questions like why i'm like that, why i have such friends, why i have such family, why do i feel this way, why it has to be like this, why can't i seem to feel like i've done my revisions, why isn't anybody seeing what i've put in, why are they comparing me, why am i feeling so pressured, why cant i think out of the box, why do i have these expectations on myself, why don i have these expectation on myself, why are they judging me.. why why whys.

My mind's like a sickening 3 year old child. It comes out with stumbling questions that i wouldn't know how to answer and if i could, more whys would surface.

i feel like a block of wood. Like i'm a walking zombie of sorts. I can't state my stand, i can't even stick to my stand because i know everyone expects me to stick to their stand. but sometimes, just sometimes, i need to do what i think is right.

FYP is totally driving me crazy right now. but it's not the workload. It's more of the lack of. i struggled so hard the past couple of weeks, only to see my teacher and my groupmates change their stand as and when they like. And it's odd how they can come up with such convincing arguments that counter their previous argument which they conveniently forgot. Feels like i've always been the fool.

i'm shocked at how they can not shamefully proclaim about their laziness and attempts at avoiding doing their work. i've resisted time and again to talk about things like this here, but this is getting too ridiculous.

And then there's pho220. Perhaps i really don have the makings of a photographer, but i still hope there are ppl who has the same sentiments as me. That it's diluting the whole purpose of photography.

I know i have to push my boundaries. I have to stop worrying and i have to just do it.

But i'm heading for a burn-out. People are telling me that exams still have a good 8 week from now. But i feel like it's only 3 weeks to it. i need to put my mind into perspective.

it's on days like this that i think that i need to take up that offer to australia. Break out of my comfort zone. Learn to be independent. Learn to see that the world is more than my family. My family don't need me. I really should start focusing elsewhere.

i need a jog, a swim or something.

my dear fyp mates, please give me a hand.
This lack of faith by the family,
will one day lead to the demise of Yvonne Goh.