Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Happy Birthday, Jesus!
Merry Christmas everyone!

Haven't blogged for a long time.. Not sure if I still have it in me.

I don't know why I've stopped writing really. I just went on from being busy to being speechless and then I lost all inspiration to write. Laziness comes with age you know. I did try a couple of times earlier on more eventful days to jot down thoughts, emotions or to self motivate myself for tests and stuff, but the words just didn't flow. So I've archived them and let them be. But it's Christmas! And like what all great movies say, if you can't say it at Christmas, then when can you eh?

Anyway I hope everyone had a good Christmas. Mine was a tad different this year:

My boxing day.... was laddened with CRAMPS! The most torturous form of physical pain. But other than that, this christmas has been great -- not va va voom great, but praise be to god, great.

Each week without fail, Jessica (ex-colleague) would remind me to stream Glee whenever it's released just because i've got so many tests and panic button dates sometimes that i forget it's Thursday... or is it Wednesday, or Tuesday? So last week, I thought I'd surprise her a little and catch it before she does and be the one reminding her instead! Turned out it was the best week to do it. The episode was on Christmas.. which means great music! Remember years ago when i blogged about band aid's " do they know it's christmas?" It was the IT song that episode. But what made this the icing of the cake, was how just days before that when i was rushing the OCIP slides, I shortlisted the very same song for the background music too. Needless to say, I was so engrossed in that episode and in the coincidence of hearing one of my favourite christmas songs, I forgot to remind her AND... she beat me to it again. Haha. Gotta do something about this short term memory.

Alvin and I also decided to go for midnight Christmas mass this year. Not sure why the sudden epiphany but in the midst of his chocolate giving frenzy, we all decided in a split second to go with the mother for a little birthday celebration.

I haven't formally attended mass since Hilda happened and it was exactly at christmas when I last went in to give thanks so formally. I remember part of the reason why I stopped going to church and hated (but in fact secretly loved!) going to midnight Christmas masses before was coz of alllllllll the SACians dressing up to the nines. While I enjoyed daydreaming through the sermons about a fire breaking out or experiencing a terrorist invasion in church and me rescuing the hottest girl there (AKA Audrey), I also remember always feeling like we were out of place what with me in my favourite haiwaiaan shirt - one colour for each week! - and Alvin in his Ocean Pacific shirt and oversized jeans.

So this year, we went prepared! We put on our best available shirts, jeans and shoes, combed our hair, sprayed on just the right amount of cologne and proudly strode into church. but ALAS, we still felt out of place.

No more youngsters, no more hot SACians. Nope, mostly Filipinos and family groups. I wasn't bothered by that though... abit diaooo but not bothered. Until i walked further in and found some of them in hot shorts! Wasn't there some rule about not wearing shorts and slippers to church? Of course there were people who dressed up as well.. but somehow, christmas mass didn't seem as hyped up as it was previously.

Oh well. fashion statements change all the time. Guess Alvin and I were way ahead of our time. Heh.

Cold jokes aside though, this christmas mass wasn't only special because of the lack of well dressed babes but also because we haven't spent christmas mass (or ANY mass for that matter) with mum ever since we had our own wings... and this was the first time we've met sui kim in 2 months! It was sad that we had to do without any family dinner this year because of all the dramas that unfolded recently but i'm glad we managed to work a way through it despite. The next few days were spent secretly sneaking out of the house for mini night cycling and badminton trips without the empress dowager. It felt almost as if Sui Kim and Niao Niao didn't shift out... except for the nagging sense of guilt for leaving grandma alone at home.

So like I said, Christmas was abit different this year. All of a sudden, our priorities switched to home. I mean.. not that we're that mushy, but if felt like an unspoken commandment this christmas not to leave the home empty and since everyone apparently liked making assumptions, alvin turned down his appts to stay home, alex turned down his appts to stay home and i turned down my appts to stay home. haha. not that i'm complaining though. it's nice to be like that once in a while.

Anyway I'm outta here. Long day tml. Plus I'm really in need of zzz after fighting with niao niao for a space on my bed the last couple of nights. (SHE STOMPS ON ME WHEN SHE SLEEPS AND SHE STEALS MY BLANKET AND SHE TAKES UP THE ENTIRE BED!)

Till next time folks,
and a blessed christmas everyone!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011


Sunday, December 25, 2011



and yet those months have given me
many treasured moments found
memories i would for a long time keep
Till I'm six feet underground.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight!

Tuesday, November 22, 2011



The day starts, the day ends
Time crawls by.
Night steals in, pacing the floor.
The moments creep
Yet I can’t bear to sleep
Till I hear you sing..

And weeks pass, and months pass
Seasons fly.
Still you don’t walk through my door
And in a haze
I count the silent days
Till I hear you sing once more.

And sometimes in darkness
I dream that you are there
But wake holding nothing but the cold night air.

And years come, and years go,
Time runs dry.
Still I ache deep in my core
My broken soul
Can’t be alive or whole
Till I hear you sing once more

And music, your music!
It teases at my ear,
I turn and it fades away and you’re not here!

Let hopes pass, let dreams pass
Let them die!
Without you what are they for?
I’ll always feel
No more than halfway real
Till I hear you sing....
once more.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

kan cheongness + chilli + early morning = major bomb = more kan cheongness.

it's worth it, I won't give up!

Saturday, November 05, 2011

Friday, October 28, 2011

After fumbling for several weeks,
the ShaVon mix
is now complete!

Saturday, October 22, 2011

have you ever felt like rage has taken over you and you've lost all control of rationality?
have you ever made so much mistakes, you choose to continue living in one just so you don't have to face the consequences of your actions?
do you believe in the existence of evil spirits?

why does nothing make sense anymore?

so many things have happened recently.. so many people going through pain.
i don't know where to begin.

the maid leaving, sui kim shifting out with janelle, ah ma going crazy/dementia-tive/manipulative/self-pitish/real-pitish, alex threatening to slit mum's throat/ sui ku only blaming, never solving.

with all the juice going on at home, who needs 爱 right?

if you stood beside me and saw the look on grandma's face when she was yelling... if you looked in her eyes that night - that power hungry demon yelling to come out, if you saw how violently sui kim reacted during the fight (i'm on her side btw), if you read alex's messages yesterday, you would know what i mean.

and even without live broadcasts like that, i'm pretty sure deep down, many of you already understand what i'm trying to say. Why did I lose my cool that day? Did i really say that? I will kill you! Fuck you fuck you fuck you! We've all had similar days. If you disagree, welcome to ah ma's club.

Question is.. are these the result of our poor anger management as explained by science. Or are these evil spirits messing with our minds as explained by religion (mum. haha.) ?

I think it's a little of both. Because of our poor control of rage, we lose control of our thoughts. And because our spirit is weak, violent thoughts come to mind. I mean, if someone were to piss us off, why don't we think of 'bless you bless you bless you because the bible says we should bless those who curse you!' instead ?

ok maybe something not so loser-like.. but you get the gist!

sure, media plays an big role. but doesn't the weak spirit thing make sense too? do you remember that friend/classmate/acquaintance/relative who never utters a word of violence when they are mad? they exist!

Not just pointing fingers here. I'm a 过来人! or maybe still a 过ing 人. i've wanted to kill my brothers/mother too. I was maybe primary 6? fat, dirty and sitting by the stool at the gate staring them down while they were happily yakking and laughing away.

something like that but less cute and with teeth!

and very softly, i repeated these words like a chant over and over again:

I will kill you. I will kill all of you. I will kill you. I promise one day I will kill you.

I kept repeating that because they were laughing at me. They put me down together to look good and they hurt my pride and mother laughs along with them because she loves them. She doesn't care that they are looking good at MY expense! She just wants to make them laugh because that makes her happy.

except, i can't remember what they were really laughing about. All i knew was that they were laughing at me and I wanted to kill them.

evil spirit? you tell me.

a couple of weeks ago, mum made me so angry with her favoritism, why didn't you just die popped into my head. i didn't mean it.

That's why alex's outburst sent me thinking. How can we both be having thoughts of the similar genre in such a short period?

In psychological terms, the ID was speaking. But isn't the ID, Ego and Superego also represented by the angel and demon resting on our shoulders? How different can science and faith be when it comes to desires and socially acceptable behaviors? Do we explain self-control with brain synapses or prayers?

But I could understand Alex's rage yesterday. I understood how he couldn't at that moment control himself. I could imagine the anger and the frustration boiling. but i also wished he could see how he was snapping over the wrong thing in the wrong way. And i was too ashamed to judge.

Wasn't I, too, facing the same problem just a couple of weeks back? who's to say it's no longer there?

As you all know, Alex and I never had a good relationship growing up. Mother's illness forced us to communicate a little bit more these days but still not (and never will be) in the I-will-share-with-you-my-problems way so why did yesterday happen? Strange as it was, it helped me see things from the other point of view. and i've got a secret to share! i know better than alex what he is really frustrated about. But like grandmother like brother like sister, we're all taking it out on the wrong things/person. Escapists, aren't we all? hehehe.

poor mother. always within the shooting range.

but while you'd think that the recent spate of drama would've thrown us all off the roof, i'm actually surprised that the rest of us are reacting by spending more time laughing and doing stupid things like hunting wild boars in the middle of the night or watching lame shows like sharktopus together . When ah ma acts pitiful, we laugh. When grandma twists the story, we laugh. When she tries using different people to be her pawn, we laugh. And it's really funny - not in the disrespectful way. Did you watch money no enough 2? it's the same kinda funny. Sad funny.

There's nothing we can do except laugh it off and try to take things with a pinch of salt. Grandma has changed alot since Australia. She asks the same question in the same conversation and either forgets information or twists the things she remembers. Everything we do is wrong. Nothing we give is enough. and we are all not prepared for this.

It seems like the only time we feel something close to bitter sadness is during the short period of time a day when she is lucid enough to realize that she has exhausted all her cards and that they aren't coming back. She looks so pitiful it hurts. But as soon as we give in and start giving her what she wants, she forgets the reality of it and her demands gets absurd again.

is contentment really so hard to achieve?

why is it i no longer understand these things?

Monday, October 17, 2011

2 days ago, the maid hid in my toilet shaking because she was afraid she would harm grandma.
Yesterday, that maid walked out.
Today, 2 family members packed up and left.

My grandmother. The epitome of insanity.

Friday, October 14, 2011

many many first times today.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

food poisoning. Weak. Painful. Cold.

Friday, October 07, 2011

PASS!

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

started as strangers, not so queer
you made it through despite the fears

who would've guessed despite the jeers
your secret love made it through the rear.

but things got heated along the way
not as happy as in the day

yet despite the obstacles there you lay
in each other's arms you often say

now things have changed on this special day
and not in your favourite kinda way

one hiding behind shades of tears
the other indulging in endless beer

whichever way you're letting out,
make sure that you never doubt

try to remember the times so near,
ask yourself and see it clear
what is it you really want -
is this a chapter or is this done?

separate ways this time for real,
or back in thy arms, that one so dear?







sigh.
no matter how the rays may shine,
keep this one little thing in mind
it doesn't matter what you both may say
we have all gone down this way
in times of need and sheer dismay
through it all your friends, we'll stay.

Friday, September 30, 2011

it's not about the money money money.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

finally a day to rest.

Haven't had the drive to write recently. Like having the wind sucked outta me. And quite literally, this flu bug nesting in me right now IS sucking the wind outta me.

Everyday I'm doing these routines.. everyday I straddle the line between spacing out because of all the sudden changes or to beef up and take everything in my stride. Changes are... incredible. The way it hits you, the way it tests you, the way it opens your eyes.

And CIs have the knack to whack you from behind outta no where.

I don't think i've had it worse than everyoneelse from the recent sagas and i count my blessings every single day with the thought of how much worse things could've gotten without his love and his guidance. but that doesn't mean i've been able to get all my emotions in check.

HSM has a song called " put your head in the game. "And I've been doing that every single day. I wake up, I cook, I clean (less!), we go to the hospital, we go to the market, I have my tea, I have my wine (tryna retain some class here you know you know), and albeit increasingly less, I clean the room. All in all, I'm like the part time huang lian po cum tai tai cum bum. Day in day out I tell myself to take pride in my objectives now and to take the chance to pick up new skills and take up the responsibility at home. I really am learning alot in the kitchen but the magic or the will to see things half cup full seems to be vanishing very slowly. I don't hate it now.. but i still feel like i'm running away from something. Reality maybe.

That said, I'm not exactly living the pitiful life most people in my shoes now should be living. quality of life still matters baby! so time is still set aside for tv, to worry about the upcoming RTT test, to throw tantrums, to cycle, to hang out with friends, and to fuss about life in general. It's just less guilt-free and I have to keep an eye out for things at home whenever, wherever, whatever i'm doing. So the pace now is like on interval training. Zoom in zoom out when on the move like in between places, and slow and steady during. Thank god for the car. There have been nice touches here and there lately though.. I've been able to cycle more, I got to jump start my still-rotting-but-very-much-loved camera , I got to meet up with everyone, go to new places, go for a couple of rounds etc etc.

But everyday, anger also seem to be creeping up my back more and more.

i dono if it's the lethargy or the lack of sun or the frustration or the pms or the de-sharonizing effect but it seems like my only form of communicating at home now is by shouting.

" mother, can you stop?! "
" stop changing your mind! "
" i'm cooking la! "
" OHMYGOD. "
" What the fuck? " ( gasp yes, the four-letter-word! )

And i get these waves of anger that hits me before i can keep them in check.

Just the other day, I was peeling the pomelo and it started squirting at me left right centre and I honestly contemplated smashing it!

Too much hell's kitchen on starworld.

i think Mai hit the spot though. in a teacher scary askkk-yoursellffffff-deeplyyyy way. from aust to sharon to home, i haven't had the time nor enerygy to sit down and digest everything yet. everyone wants in on the scoop of things.. but there's really no story to tell. we had a good run, it was real feelings while it lasted and then we went our separate ways. She chose the treadmill while i the road. However you wanna interpret that metaphor. hehe. It wasn't exactly an easy process.. which one will be, really? But i've never let her down and i think that one night, i sought comfort in that and things just kinda lay out after that - especially with all the things i've seen in Aust while it was happening. Travelling alone makes you notice things like that.. and you remember what you wanted in the grand picture. The one you've lost track of. You know how teachers/parents always say to give in your best for your exams and when you fail it, at least you know you've put in your best? i think this was the feeling they were trying to inspire. And quite awkardly, separately the realization tastes sweeter than the win, ceteris paribus of course.

The bitter medicine here however, is saying bye bye to baby. No more smelly breaths, whistle barks, wet paws or standing ears. :(
(NOT GONNA BOND WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S ANIMALS ANYMORE. FENDER FOR LIFE!)

Not saying my family is not driving me nuts though. Mother's favoritism DESPITE; them commenting that I have lotsa free time; ah ma's dramas etc... it's all the same. there's no point ranting on and on, but i want to anyway. HAH! It's a never ending circle. And I've decided that I should just let it go.. but self-inspiring words always sound so much better than the action itself. it still annoys the hell outta me.

And the upcoming RTT really is so not helping.

phew. life!

Wednesday, September 07, 2011

The sudden onslaught of critical illnesses is an emotional process.
But what many don't know is how even more physical, mental and emotional things can get during rehab and recovery for both patients and caregivers alike.

we are all deadly exhausted.
and i really miss the sun.

but who's to say mum's random humor would stop?

Was doing speech therapy with mother yesterday and a particular exercise involved reading aloud 10 different words daily and forming simple sentences with them. Yesterday's first word was "establishment."

I was anticipating a simple, nonchalant type sentence but APPARENTLY, the only sentence my mother could think of and felt most appropriate to say out loud was..

"this establishment is managed by Huitann."

hahaha. Guess we never knew how much she liked Huitann.

Thankfully, things are finally starting to stabilize. With her determination and our dedicated care and basic hospital-cat/fish-and-relatives maintenance, mother is recovering and responding well to the many many MANY rehabs and therapies. Alex and i have also slowly started to learn how to share the responsibilities and Alvin does his part too except he's been too far to make most decisions with so he mainly drops by in the evening to provide the extra pair of hands. Most importantly, Mother is getting better at walking and doing basic things independently now so the stress is starting to ease up. Naturally, we still get frustrated with things every now and then and sometimes little dramas do not help but everyday we are learning to cope with them. Thank god! and thank friends who have been showering us with love, surprises, breakfasts, laughter and patience esp during the critical period.

and did i mention the hotel-like room and maisarah's seh therapist who comes everyday, turned back to ask my name and lives only 7 blocks away? (she volunteered that information. HEE. perks.)

Monday, September 05, 2011

8 years now. love you jin.

Friday, September 02, 2011

I want my healthy mother back.

Friday, August 26, 2011

The tea cupboard.

The one so fondly remembered. The one poink and i used to sneak into to make ourselves warm cups of tea in the wee early hours of the morning was still there.

It still held the tea leaves.

Steady old tea cupboard.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Takeaway oxymorons.

You don't have to be drunk. but high enough to know who you are, be brave enough to pursue it...




And recognize it stupid to go out with only a windbreaker on a winter's night.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life, you were only waiting for this moment to arise.

Blackbird singing in the dead of night,
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see.
All your life,
you were only waiting for this moment to be free.

Blackbird, fly.
Blackbird, fly.

Into the light of the dark black night.

Monday, August 08, 2011


Another bout of cold turkey. I feel like so many metaphors.

Like in a rehabilitation against drugs. Or worse yet.. Like a werewolf unwilling to morph into this strange, ugly creature when the night creeps by.

Waves of calmness surges through me every once in a while and I get awed by the power of it. These surges comes in more often now.. But when the "addiction" kicks in, it's stronger too. It's like each night u gotta let this amount out. If u keep it in too much in the day, it bites harder at night. I Rrmember. And then fall aslp, dream of these ridiculous dreams and wake up with "sinuses."

So cold turkey feels like this.

Sunday, August 07, 2011

什么是话?

So much so the eyes can't open and the head lays heavy.
And the rays sting and the breath musty.

it's the weekend.

Jlim and Lisa brought me to many markets and through an unofficial walking tour around circular quay yesterday. Many picture perfect opportunities. Beautiful skyline. and jlim knew lotsa history that made most landmark even more prominent. Trick is to remember everything he shared though. Heh.

We headed home after to rest before Lisa and I made tortillas for dinner (thank god for yellowstone!) while justin set up inception.

Subconsciously, they lost me half way into the movie. And consciously, I was an empty shell some 30 mins into the next French movie.

Only thing I could remember was the massive shivering bout I had on the walk back to the room. Weather is forecasted to turn wet and cold next week. Shit.

Its been one of the most preculious trip I've ever had:

1) kettle died day two
2) router died day three
3) heater died day four
4) day 7 laptop died
5) day 8 camera broke
6) day 9 all phone contacts mysteriously disappeared!
7) day 8.5 so did the lady.

They say bad luck comes in threes. Mine came in 2 sets of threes. Plus one.

There should be a cap on these things.

Phone call home yesterday's yesterday was very emotional.

U know how I always feel like we're closer whenever I'm away? Same again.

But this time, i was also feeling bad because Ah ma was very emo. After asking and saying the same things over again, she stunned me with a " ah ma 很想你. " and asked at least five times if I could go back sooner.

Ah ma always feels like ah ma only when I'm far away. She asks the right qns that most ppl won't ask/realize. Well, Maybe it's also because she's well travelled herself.. But her care seems genuine whenever I'm away.

It was interesting talking to jlim n Lisa over coffee-slash-tea yesterday. He has grown into a fine man. We introduced Lisa to the Singapore culture and it was really noteworthy to see Justin being able to quote housing and car prices in Singapore. Beyond that, he was able to compare the lifestyles of both Singapore n Australia and point out how that affects our differences in culture. It really isn't that a big a deal knowing all these.. But it's the way he put it that made it beautiful. (and impressive to the girl.)

The art of communication. Never my cuppa tea.

Lisa was great as well. She was very acceptive to what we're saying and she was playing a very good host.

I just wish I could talk better so I get to understand their lifestyle here as well. But lately, I've been choking up more than I did before n tt's not good. Note to self: overcome this before heading back.

Jlim n Lisa often reminds me of charlene n xie. Same same. Minus xie's drama bimbo moments.

Maybe because everyone of them knows what they want in life. And their purpose is to primarily strive towards what they want and to complement each other and be genuinely supportive of each other.. That's why they are so similar.

Jlim resigned 2 days ago. Whilst driving, I overheard him telling Lisa about his dreams and his path thr. There was a hint of uncertainty in his voice when he said that though.. Like a small amt of dejection. Lisa must've felt it as well as she started comforting and assuring him that he's gonna be fine. I know and he knows he's gonna be fine too. Guess he just needed to mourn a little. I only had the chance.. And voice to ask him yesterday if he was worried abt losing his job. He said he was more excited than sad. It's his one step closer to his ideal job.

What an opportunist. What a learning point.

Think I've got what it takes? :

1) kettle spoil? Now everyone knows we gotta PUSH THE TOP IN before boiling the water. Kettle works fine ever since.
2) router crashed? New router! Wei had been complaining abt their router since before I stepped into their house anyway. And wifi is stable now.
3) heater - bought one replacement and lugged it alllll the way back. Now I'm more than just a freeloader.
4) laptop - learnt that it might be cheaper getting a mac here. Mum gave the ok. Might be gg home with a new toy!
5) jlim lent me his cheap cam for now. And his defn of a cheap cam is a canon 400d.
6) lose thy chains.
7) ... new gf? Independence. Grenade.

Heh. Worth a shot.

This trip lacks some hands on adventure.

I get knocked down,
But I get up again.
You're never gonna keep me down!
(and everybody hits me down?)


Ps, you seriously confuse the crap outta me.

Friday, August 05, 2011

Barf barf puke barf. Blweh.

Wednesday, August 03, 2011

A darker shade of grey.

On the ferry to manly. After yesterday's leg and shoulder painful walk through e city, I've decided to ditch the crumpler bag and adopt a more tourist look of carrying my backpack. Wei couldn't stop laughing at how I was yelling 'tourist!' just by appearance alone but I didn't think too much of it until I caught a glimpse of my own reflection on a glass door........ Zomg.

But it's only day 5! I'm not hurting my back so early into the trip. Sigh. price u gotta pay for carrying a dslr.

The sun's bright out today. Perfect day for the beach. Wei and I went to the city for some mediterranean breakfast. For her at least. I stuck to the traditional scrambled eggs and toast since I didn't understand half the menu. We took a short walk to another cafe for tea and coffee thereafter before she headed off for school while i made my way to circular quay.

It's one of those wake-up-feel-like-shit days today. But wei's suggestion of sitting in the sun for some drinks helped. Right now I'm enjoying the light, heat, breeze and fresh air. Which makes diving really tempting.

Fast forward. Done with manly. Initial thoughts? Nothing compared to bondi. It was smaller, the beach smelt of ECP and was littered with seaweed. The seagulls were bold and fish n chips friendly. All in all, nothing Spectacular. but you see, i had to make my $17 fast ferry ticket there worth it so I took off my shoes and started walking along the shores.. TWICE! Namely because I realized I lost my lens cap halfway through e first walk. Probably would be smarter of me to pee before stepping into the water but still, the walk was nice. Comforting. Love beaches. Sun n sea.

Manly itself was like a mini coybow town. Somewhat like Jackson Hole where the five of us used to go to on our off days at yellowstone, only without the cowboys. They had more souvenir stores than what I expected Chinatown to have but the things they have were pretty repetative.

Made my way back for dinner after docking at circular quay. Dua Kim cooked steak today and it was SO good. Medium rare finished with mushrooms, potatoes and a huge bowl of salad. Yum.

Its been only less than a wk here but it alrdy seems like a long time. It's official now. I only like days. The sun makes the cold air just cool. And I enjoy walking to the train station every morning. It's about a 10 min walk.. Ok, maybe 15 for my legs but regardless of how I feel when I wake up, the walk plus the radio channel I listen to blends together to give a very hopeful and powerful sensation.

The same walk many many hours later, though, brings about an opposite emotion. The night gives a sense of hopelessness. And the winter amplifies it.

I don't like that.

So it's hard to say if I'm enjoying or not enjoying my trip so far. I hate how I feel every morn when I wake up, I feel excited (albeit tired!) for the day's adventure when I head out and it gets blue when night falls. Some would say it's a fair mix, no? Well i dont know. Like it when i like it, dont hate it when i dont like it. And we learn smth new everyday eh?

Regardless though, I'm alrdy here so I have to brave on the days and deal with it. It definitely isn't a wasted trip though. I still think it's an experience travelling ard and I did want to put myself to e test so.. Haha. It's the winter la. Gung Ho only.

It's day 6. (wah Liao, one post 3 days.) And I still don't like how it felt when I woke up.

So I'll leave you with a quote:

Focus not on what you don't have but on what you have.

Oh emo hour.

Have a gd day mate!

Oz 1024hrs.

Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Wanted to put pictures but been too lazy..

It's freezing today!

The thermometer read 13 degrees and e Internet casted a 19 degree but wei and I both agreed that something must be wrong with the reads as we found ourselves hiding behind 2 layers of blankets. Well, 2 for me at least (up to my ears!) and one for her.. On top of our sweater and thick socks.

It's mee goreng (ie indomie) Sunday so we stayed home and got drunk on movies, huge servings of indomie and orange juice. Movie theatre and dinner tonight! All the food and still no warmth.

After exploring cockle bay warf the other night, I headed out to hard rock cafe to meet JLim, Lisa and their friends for Mat's bday celebration. Mat was JLim's best mate ( just a pretty name for BFF. ) and he had this huge desk of friends there to mingle with. I was skeptical at first and really afraid of mtg so many ppl with my weird singlish accent but it wasn't that bad. Actually it wasn't bad at all. I wasn't able and wasn't willing to jump among friends like they did but those ard me were friendly enough and that's good enough for me. Any more that night and I might be frightened away, actually. Esp when I wasn't too friendly with them.

Wei came down to meet us after her dinner with her friends and a grp of us headed back to tokio bar for a few rounds of drinks. I was also formally acquainted to Lisa, JLim's gf and she's very hospitable. And apparantly also very comfortable ard the home.

The 4 of us shared a cab back and that cost us.... $99.90!! Finally not complaining about comfort cabs.

Yesterday wei brought me down to bondi beach after jlim's big breakfast and a huge bowl of Vietnamese pho (pronounced "furrrr.") for lunch. We strolled on the sand to the other end where we climbed to bondi lookout just in time for sunset. Our new proclaimed emo spot. Really beautiful.

Next was home for Dua kim's lagsana then movie marathon alllllllll the way.

31 July 2011. unknown oz time.

Friday, July 29, 2011

From host to guest.

Been a long time since I did this. Let's see if I still have it.

Freezing at cockle bay warf now. It's cold out. Lotsa boats, cold air, beer. The high life.

Woke up this morning in the cold, shivered my way to the toilet, took a warm bath and smiled at how this reminds me of yellowstone. Not that close of course, but at least thr's a similarity.

Amidst the joy though (and of course), there's also emptiness somewhere within. Without you and with the feel of losing you. Things haven't been the same since... Thedaythatshallnotbenamed. Not sure whose fault it is. A little of both perhaps. i wish we could work it out Iike we've promised n discussed, but Guess it's If she comes, she comes. Words can't explain this.

Pretrip was great except for the bout of guilt towards mum. Haha. I must've whined kang to death.

Flight was also ok yesterday. Better than ok actually! Except for the crazy roller coaster like turbulence, I loved everything of it. The stewardesses were professional and food was non stop! Not forgetting the in flight entertainment!

And this morning, wei and I got locked outta the house So I had to climb the gates and fight a baby cockroach for the spare keys. Thank god no one called e cops. Hah.

Despite everything, I'm gonna fully utilize my overpriced $900 trip here. Hope for the best, expect the worst eh?

Will talk more when the chance comes. Finger's freezing up. Hunger's acting up.

Bye folks.

Oz 643pm.

Monday, July 25, 2011

Hail Mary full of grace
the lord is with you.
Blessed are you amongst women
and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary mother of god,
pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Our father who art in heaven,
holy be thy name.
Thy kingdom come thy will be done
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread
and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us.
Do not bring us to the test
but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Hail Mary full of grace
the lord is with thee.
blessed are you amongst women and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary mother of god,
pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Our Father who art in heaven
holy be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
On earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us today our daily bread
and forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sins against us.
Do not bring us to the test but deliver us from evil.
Amen.

Our father in heaven.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

So I have learnt today/yesterday that mentally preparing myself and emotionally preparing myself..

doesn't neccessarily equate to not feeling useless and incompetent.

and terrible.

piangpiangpiang.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

spent the last few hours drafting the invitation.

but i feel like a fool feel like a fool feel like a fool.

saw this coming.

still i feel like a fool feel like a fool feel like a fool.

能元谁? 元自己吧!
Which hell so bold
or heaven so ignorant,
to keep me away from you,
my love?

Thursday, July 07, 2011

To serve as a prelude.

Sunday, July 03, 2011

Mumble rumble.

Virtuous. Virtue. Peer. Peers. Block. Big. DURIAN SEASON!

Micah. :(

Friday, June 24, 2011

平凡
也是一总幸福.

ten thousand fireflies.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Pa.

Happy Anniversary.
Happy Fathers' Day.
Happy Birthday.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Friday Friday get'in down on friday.

Hate to, Have to, laugh at myself sometimes.
Birds fly over the rainbow,
why then, oh why can't I?

Sunday, June 05, 2011

all the beauty in the world unite.

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

Suddenly Cheena.



Mai has left.
Sadness overwhelms. But self-reliance awaits.

Or so I hope.

I've always had a thing for goodbyes. A bad thing, that is.
Never understood the concept of it. Never understood why I should welcome new friends, new ties, new things when everything has to end.

Never liked goodbyes.

But no goodbyes were tougher than the one at Yellowstone. The agony of having the entire camp wake up early in the morning to bid farewell. To have to pack your bags in the wee hours of the morning with such dread and reluctance to go. To hold back your tears and suck back your emotions when going around for the final hug or to turn back and see Kelsey and Nick chasing after the van.

It is too bad no one around understands that. Yellowstone is nothing but a myth to all. The wild, the nature, the self-discovery, life of no technology and the convenience to turn ignorant. That's the beauty of country life. You hold a job.. not necessarily for wealth and fortune but just enough for food and lodging and some savings, you end work at the precise time so you have the luxury to unwind and pursue a hobby, you gather at anywhere convenient, you take a hike whenever necessary, etc etc. Things are slow and less complicated. Utopia, really. But could we realistically live on that?

When I first returned to civilization and was on my verbal rampage with xie, KS and PL, I remember telling them this was the extreme and that no more farewells would hurt since the bar had been set.

I couldn't be more wrong.

June and Mai said yesterday that this is not a final farewell. That we are all still in Singapore and that maintaining in contact was no biggie. How I wish I could see things from their point of view. Instead of shrinking the impact of facing departures, Yellowstone, in retrospect, distorts my concept of reality. Are farewells really that hard? Are bonds really that difficult to maintain? Or have the ultimate separation poisoned whatever optimism i should have for the future -- or faith on friendships.. and people that matter?

The facts are clear. Those who mattered, and whom you matter to would stay. Loo and gang have stuck by for 11 years; PL, ah bert and all for 6; Eng is still dropping me colourful pictures of encouragement/thoughts, Sean nee is still taking the initiative; Celia and Wichan has been here TWICE; Matej and I are still writting; Kelsey and I are still chatting.. and the list goes on.

Those who mattered stays.

But why do I fear the future so much if the track record's been set? Do I fear losing those who matter? Or do I fear not mattering to the people who mattered to me?

oh i know this is more of a chicken or egg question. I just had to ask.

whichever the case, Mai, Grace told me she misses you. you can still take back your resignation letter. *kinky wink.

and I'm not used to the empty seat beside me already. (all other mushiness, you already know!)

I am approaching yet another crossroad in life. A huge one at that.

How did I allow myself to become so jaded?

Feel like I've lost hold of who I am. Or however little me i've known myself to be. I'm overwhelmed with changes and I'm finding it hard to keep my head abreast. Or to keep myself in check. And the thing is, I'm not only talking about changes in my surroundings, I'm also talking about the changes within me.

Can't help but cave in to the nagging feeling that it's time to find out who I am. Loo says that everyday is a road to self-discovery until the day we die.

How true. But why then do so many people seem like they know exactly what they are doing?

Have you ever found yourself wondering what courses of action you should take when a situation arises? Like you know you can react this way or that.. but you don't know which exactly to because.. you don't know the persona you're supposed to adopt. If your answer is yes, congratulations. You are as lost as I am.

I recently find myself in that predicament far too often for comfort. And it bothers me that I never know how to react simply because... i don't know what kinda person I am.

Maybe I knew myself better when I was the more impulsive, younger Yvonne. Or maybe I was better at reacting to situations based on what would ignite the best sparks. Now though, I want to choose a path that best fits me. And I want to react according to what I really want and not what people expects outta me.

who am i today?

Am i withholding all my frustrations? Or have i really gone numb to everything? If I really have turned stone, why am i still hiding at that corner so many times a day?

I used to advocate following your heart. Mai taught me to think with my brains. So what's a fair balance? what am i made up of? what are you made up of? 100% heart, 30-70? 60-40? what.

One junction, three paths.

1) half cup full.
2) u-turn.
3) blessing.

Guess I can only trust that in time to come, I will choose the right one based not on anythingelse but solely on the path that I want to embark on.

I am confused with the world, myself and i. Every dirty secret I learn of CM makes me wonder if this is the world I have to face everyday as i grow older. Every escapism of us I see makes me wonder.. of what, I no longer know. And everytime I see how many people, many colleagues no longer spare a thought for one another anymore, I'd wonder.. if I've become one of them.

There are just way too many thoughts in my brain and it's starting to fry. Sometimes I feel like a schizophrenic.. trapped in my own mind of words, suspicion and doubts.

But amidst the darkness my mind sounds to be, I sometimes also see a glimmer of light. Sometimes, somewhere. I see changes in my actions too -- but how real, or how long it'll be I do not know. My mindset's changing.. but is it for the better or is it for the worse?

Kang's hairstylist said something I found rather impactful -- " advocate change from within then others will follow. " wise words indeed. I need to change myself and to change my mindset before everything can be set in order. But things are nevertheless, always easier said than done.

Really tempted to pull an eat.pray.love soon.

So convincing is my lie to Grace about going to America to re-discover myself, I find myself tempted to really disappear once more.. so I get to know who i am truly inside. And the more Grace preaches about me having a mother who makes the gravest mistake of not letting me explore me for me (geddit geddit?), the more I want to break free.

What is my calling, what is my direction? If I strip myself of all material possessions and desires, what is my innermost need?

It is funny how I used to ask Kang the same question and now she seems to have a clearer path laid out than me. haha. funny, but still, undeniably proud of it as well.

always easier to say others than to reflect, they say.

aye! talking too much again.

hold me to bed, rock me to sleep.
unkang me the way i need.

谁不想自由
却忘了该付出的温柔

痛哭过后会否比较好受
放开过后
或许会更自由

很多时候
我们只是在寻找借口


什么是成就
只要你微笑着点头


欢笑过后
会否一直回首
失去以后
才学会如何看透.


回忆里什么陪我们走到最后
还不是哪些--

最简单的温柔

Tuesday, May 31, 2011


Thank you, thank you.
A million times thank you.
"Such beauty. Surely you are one of God's own creations...and not a descendant of those dark creatures who found no refuge on the Ark.

Such beauty... and yet deadly."

Such wonders, such calm. such joy.
Yet it feels more like the final meal before an inmate hangs.

i can't read your body language.

but you seem to be the only one who can make my eyelids heavy.

WHY?

you know how I always say if I wanted something hard enough, I 'll get it sooner or later.. even if it's after wanting it?
You think it'll work if I started wanting what I want sooner rather than later?

heh.

my mind.. is in a whirlpool of words.

Changes don't inch in bit by bit.
They swarm.

And I feel like I'm struggling for air.

Monday, May 30, 2011


Kinda like that but without the cheering, notes burning, bright future and non stop partying.

To borrow Xie's native tongue, grey.

Plus.

bye bye mai mai in 2 days.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

One day hero, one day zero.



Today, we were heroes...
:)

Friday, May 27, 2011

Recalling..

Recalling Eng
Recalling Sean nee
Recalling Ellen
Recalling void deck
Recalling the motorbike
Recalling mai's first day
Recalling first scare
Recalling second scare
Recalling hope
Recalling fear
Recalling lost
Recalling found
Recalling anger
Recalling pride
Recalling third scare
Recalling bravery
Recalling regrets
Recalling drowning
Recalling grasping
Recalling tears
Recalling pain
Recalling joy
Recalling hands
Recalling face
Recalling breeze
Recalling uncertainty
Recalling hair
Recalling butterflies
Recalling fire
Recalling knife
Recalling rock
Recalling pride
Recalling stillness
Recaling empty spaces
Recalling goodbyes
Recalling loneliness
Recalling love
Recalling peace
Recalling want
Recalling smiles
Recalling anguish

Seeing joy

Feeling baby

Grace Lora Sharon. Feel like i'm drowning.
I wish my mum could talk from my heart as well as Lora does.

Not the kinda emotion I'm supposed to have.

And it's not coz of CM.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

They're secretly back!

and they brought me we went to have this really spicy ma la steamboat which immediately made me best friends with the toilet at dinner, through the night and this morning.

WAR!

Monday, May 23, 2011

Retribution on Redemption Central.

Many many years ago, I hit the lowest point in any relationship. The darkest, rather. i was immature and childish. Perhaps we Both were. We always looked at the surface of things. We fought for the sake of fighting, whispered sweet nothings because we were influenced by the media, apologized not because we meant it and made many moves the young would've done. But I went overboard. I made a huge mistake. And I did disgraceful things against my conscience. I never was able to face up to that. Not even in talkkok. and I lived with that mistake, convincing myself that since she did me wrong first, i was entitled to payback. I carried on with the abuse. Thinking I'd have my chance to apologize even if it were to be on my deathbed. Make it a little melodramatic, you know.

I just wanted her attention then. And I opted the wrong path.

But as I grew older, my conscience bit back harder.

I was lucky only because she didn't turn the cops on me then. I would've been in alot of trouble. That was how big the deal was.

And still, I took it for granted and lived with that lie. I even carried it to the generations after. My ONLY act of redemption was an annoyomous apology to the people involved each year, for many years after.

I was an asshole. I still am.

And 2 weeks ago, I had a reality check.

Pau's death.. the abruptness of it made me fear the reality AND possibility of dropping dead without making up for my misdeeds. And my daily bad habits just increases that possibility like only a thousand times.

I panicked. Admist the grieve then, I was also scared. When news of pau's death hit me right in the middle of a frustrating ride, I not only felt the shock and lost, I also felt like a scumbag. Even though it had nth to do with pau. Weird time to feel that way, I know. But it's hard to explain how weird emotions hit u randomly. I guess that's when you realize how important some matters are to you. At least it seemed to me like I had to do smth about it.

I hated that kang kang was out galavanting when it happened. I hated that I couldn't reach her when I needed her. I hated it very much. And truth be told, i regreted contacting her immediately. For expecting her comfort. At least for a while.. Until I realized that it will always be like this. She would only be almost here.

I hated that reality. And i So badly wanted to punch walls again.

That whole week was a mess. My mind was fried.

But a couple of painful days later, I took my first baby step to coming clean. It wasn't all smooth like it would be in the movies and i hit a huge wall along the way but on the whole, it went alright. Very reality kind. We have still been in contact but we've always had our qualms, awkwardness and distrust. Still, it was one step closer to apologizing and addressing the issues. To be honest, I just wanted to selfishly ease my conscience but she was nice about it. We didnt address the issue per se, we spoke in riddles and I can sense the hesistation she had in trusting me abt it but she was very kind and forgiving. And she tried to sound assuring, like how she did when we first started talking again, that she had put that matter behind her.

I didn't feel good immediately, and I still don feel like a saint now. But I'm still glad I took that step.

Lately, kang kang and I reminds me of those days. Not in the dark way. But that it's a retribution of my past actions.

But again, with all honesty, I think that on one hand this is retribution, on the other, I can't help but feel like kang to Her bf, to me, and to herself was how I was before. All separately n Less evil, no doubt. But the similarity exists.

I couldnt let go of that person because, i was in comfort. And i couldnt deal with losing. I was uncertain of my path in life and I wanted everything in my possession. And that I feel, FEEL, is what she has w her bf.

I really don't know much about their r/s, I dono what she told me before were e truth n I have no right to pass that kinda comment but the fact that after only a few months, ah Bert n her bf broke up just so she can be with Aloy n alvin's Korean chick broke up just to e with him makes me feel so much worse.

I want to be a supporting sister and listen to not only his woes but also his joy. Yet when he started telling me what happened, I had to shut him up. I know he didnt and wouldn't blame me but I still feel like a unsupportive, immature sister no less.

But I just couldn't deal with being the inferior good in our tri-partite relationship.

Back then, I blamed the world for everything. I blamed her for leaving me, god for abandoning me, I blamed and blamed and blamed and never self reflected. Even if I did, it was all for show. But I knew I didn't mean it. That, again what I FEEL, is kang to herself.

Feel.

And finally, to me, this is what I think is repeating history: Back then, our feelings to the other was to spite one another. To la sai so the conversation wouldn't turn stale.

Isn't that what's happening now? We stab one another. But nth gets solved.

Of course, It may not all be true. But I can't deny that a part of me feels like we are seeing things on different level because I've done it myself before.

And i was worse. I was a scumbag!

And this is my retribution.

I have had good and bad days since we parted. I guess you could say life has been rather hectic. My days have been packed frm the moment I got up till I shut my eyes. I have been kept busy with activities. I managed to do the same 2 routes, plus additional cycling w ks, night cycling with loo n gang, had a gd lunch with ah Bert, had a one hr rendezvous with Sharen, had my nightly indulgence, met mai's replacement, tried ks's Bibimap, had a short chat with ht, badminton etc etc etc. So much activities I could feel like a whole new person.

But how much truth is there to that I wonder. Am I busy enjoying my days or am i trying to keep myself occupied so I can end each day peacefully?

Falling asleep is no longer a problem. It's the staying asleep I'm afraid of. And the waking up. Ohh the waking up.

Mother recenty revamped the room to kang's concept she did months back. I loved it with all the privacy and bedside wonders. and when I saw it for the first time, my first instinct was to snap a picture to send it to kang.

But HAH. what's to send to who?!

I had to delete that picture.

If I focus on the good things, things are not that bad. Perspective again. Anyone can do it. But u know how it's not so easy to see things half glass full all the time. Takes lotsa will power. And I'm really very tired.

There are times where I really feel like picking up my phone and giving her a call. But thinking of how she's gonna hurt me again and not realize it makes me stop in my track.

I really miss the happy moments. but i also dread the hurtful ones. And While she made me feel worse about myself throughout the year, she also made me feel like I want to be someone better. Fitter, richer, mature-er.

So how do you make the shot?

There's a quote in free willy 3 that goes like this:

"Do you have to do the right thing even if it hurts?
That's what makes doing the right thing hard."



So this is how it feels like.

Well surprise surprise, I don't like it.
Strangers, again.


".. wanted something else, something different, something more. Passion and romance, perhaps, or maybe quiet conversations in candlelit rooms,
or perhaps something as simple as not being second.
"

- The Notebook.

Friday, May 20, 2011

別想你
忍不住我提醒自己
伤了心
有些事也要过去


心很痛
痛得不想再做我自己


別回头
情已去緣已盡

很想你
也不是因为失去你
愛了你
用进我全心全力
一生情
只为这一次与你相遇
情难了
难再續难再醒

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Strangers before.

It sucks when you're puking but you have nothing to puke.

Regrets I have none. Just a huge dash of disappointment.

I am tired of the questions teachers have of me. I am sick of meeting their doubtful eyed when they ask me of you. They don't believe that I don't know how ill you are. Or sound. Only letchmi believes. Only she defends.

You just leave me facing your music.

But if I can miraculously meet someone who is bravely facing the breakup of a 3 yr relationship today - at work no less - why can't I face about a yr of this so called "infactuation" or not-so-relationship?

Why should I give a damn to someone who doesn't give a damn about me.

All you have to do is run into safe heaven whenever trouble hits you. And it's what you do all the time.

Who's to blame? You are surrounded with people who cozies you. Who spoils you. I was guilty of that too..

But have you really spared a thought for those who have invested hope, faith, believe.. and feelings for you?

I thought u were different. I saw hope, future and potential in you.

Angry, I still am. But not as much as the disappointment I have.

Not as much as.

Well, run to your safety net then. That's a big deal to you. It has always been about you anyway. What difference does it make now?

Who did I know before?

Not like him, I'm an oldies gal.

別想你
忍不住我提醒自己
伤了心
有些事也要过去


心很痛
痛得不想再做我自己


別回头
情已去緣已盡

很想你
也不是因为失去你
愛了你
用进我全心全力
一生情
只为这一次与你相遇
情难了
难再續难再醒

人分飞 爱相随
哪怕用一生去追

我又怎么 能追得回
与你相 慰

我为你慈 为你累
风雨我都不后悔

我又怎么有路可退
会經深情 你给了谁

I hope you're glad you've done me in.

Take good care of her.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

" This is fish number six hundred and forty-one in a lifetime of goldfish. My parents bought me the first one to teach me about loving and caring for another living breathing creature of God. Six hundred and forty fish later, the only thing I know is everything you love will die. "

- Palahniuk.

i thought, i thought, i thought. I thought deep and hard!

but little did I expect you to allow history to repeat itself.. much less so fucking soon after we spoke about it. I can't believe I let you do this to me again. I can't believe I spent the past few days trying to understand how you think. And I can't believe how I can't run away from how real the pain is even when in sleep. Is that all you see me as? Someone to feed some lame excuse or scream at just to have it your way before completely disregarding the entire conversation? Disregarding what it meant to me! How could I be so stupid. Disappointment is an even sharper cut than just jealousy.

Well done, you. you've got your thrill.

happy now?

Monday, May 16, 2011

Hate.. Drowsy..... Medicines....... Zzzz

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Always almost here,
Only almost here.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011


What are words?

Its been a crazy 2 weeks. And I’ve been craving good music.

I haven’t been listening to most of my tracks since all the drama started. Haven’t had the mood, haven’t got the time, haven’t got the energy.

But I did so today. And I don’t know if it’s good or bad. Most songs.. had memories.

Kang kang and I… came a long way too, I guess.

There are too many things I can’t let go. Too many things I don’t know about her. And as I counted votes survey results (too much GE drama!), I put on those songs that I used to listen to, am still listening to and had hoped and reserved for better times.

I think if I were to put them all together, I can come out with one, if not, TWO, soundtracks for our very own The ShaVon Movie. Maybe our movie could even be made a musical!

I’ve got a (or mannnnyyy) tune(s) for every phase. Lyrics, that completely relates and music that still shoots me back to yesterday-s.

These songs describe our journey. And like how all great movies are, the first songs are the soft ones. One filled with hope, with mischief and with courage to venture into the great unknown.

I still listen to the songs I put on loop when we first got close; Songs that reminds me of the first time she made me cringe from the wheezy butterflies in my belly, the music I blasted whilst showering after the first time I sent her back; our nights out together; The first time she popped a stupid question that made me come clean to myself (oh, and to Mai and Ks and Xie and Lene and HT – who reacted with a very nonchalant – I told you so. thankyouverymuch.)

I was like a king! And I saw my name in shinning light!

The first challenge was when he started coming back I guess. I started to feel… slightly used. Slightly insecure. And slightly confused. Keane sneaked in then to remind me that everybody’s changing.

But then the music got rough. Offspring rough. She had to disappear. She took us as fools as we fussed, fumed and got worried about what happened to her. While I went on one of the greatest rollercoaster rides I’ve ever had, friends and colleagues who had initially been worried started to get mad and disappointed. In this phase, they were the beautiful notes – the ones that drew calm from the noise. And more surprisingly, I stumbled upon the perfect song to match that moment. To match how I felt when I found out that she went for a movie with him while everyone was still trying to makes sense. When fed-up colleagues still tried to reach out to her for fear that she may really be having some problems. When she left me hanging.

Things got melancholic thereafter. My greatest leap of faith yet. With Yellowstone, I knew I wanted that. But with million dollar baby.. this was the test. Should I trust her or should I not?

I took the plunge. (Insert OSTs from city of angels.)

And despite all the red flags raging in me, despite everyone’s caution, I remember constantly telling myself to place trust in her.. since I chose this path.

When I play the songs I listened to during PGL’s parenting talk the first week she was back, I still remember that pain of abandonment. I still feel sick in my gut. I still despise myself in the same way creep did. Then I turned to one or two church songs – the very little I know. The music I played the whole night.. one of the times I was stuck in the car under her block. The ones I used to replace prayers I couldn’t say.

With time, things got better. The music was melodious again! Peace to the world! And things got a little cheena as well. These were the good KL days. The HZGG days where I would annoy everyone in the office, annoy Mai and annoy about everyone staying in the apartment with us with my renditions of ni shi feng er, wo shi sha. Those were happy days. It was irritating that she was texting non –stop. But it was one of the calmest times ever. Even listening to it now brings a kind of calm in me. And of course, of how I made lineline go gaga over it as well.

But you know how all good things come to an end?

Everytime he was back, she’d go. Whenever he’s off, she’d come back. This went on and on.. until KS ‘slapped’ me awake. I was fighting with my mum, I was fighting with my friends, I was fighting with myself. And all just to be a spare tire.

I needed answers.

But all she could answer me then was… “ close close friend. ” All other questions she didn’t give a hoot. All whilst in his arms. But I held hope. Despite all the negative connotations, I imagined me and her. And I had the movie as inspiration. How cool was that?!

She didn’t leave as well. And I was more focused on that than how cheap I felt. And at the same time, how convinced I was of being better than him. Better for her than him. Evita came into play then. I believed that I’d be surprisingly good for her. And it was good indeed. Despite my insecurities and my confusion with her contradicting actions, the songs were calming, bouncy and filled with life.

I decided to Stay.

And I fell over. I was thinking of her day in day out. I was finding excuses for her. I was angry.. but I could never ever tell her that I was. I was losing more and more. Losing, in fact, more than I gained. But that very little I gained, I loved.

Xie showed up again here. Xie and Lene accepted her. They accepted that I was not going anywhere. And so did Mai and KS. Even though they were less than willing to, Mai and KS accepted my decision. It was this period of time where I wasn’t even hiding my feelings towards her anymore.

We started to get busy with Concert. Things were a little woozy here. Too much clouds in my head as we holedown throwdown-ed. Drama erupted in the K2 class as woosa polluted the school. Everywhere everyday every morning – woosa here woosa there. And I didn’t even know what that meant! – exactly like how I was feeling then.

I remember her glow on stage that night. I remember feeling so proud. And I remember Mai smacking me hard on the head when I said that out loud. Ass.

Even though I knew she was at his place that night.. I couldn’t be bothered to get affected by it too much. I let it pass. Guess I was holding on to some hope. Happy la, I was.

After concert, it was period of Hai Dai Tian Xin? I dono.. some Taiwan show. I liked it very much. For a while that is. Until I discovered more things. Now I hate that show. Sadly after getting Xie and Lene hooked onto it. Xie even made me play it for one of our failed music making sessions! Faint.

2011 came. Things went off on a good start. Except for the same… anger. Insecurity. Yada yada yada. All the same things.

I went to Sipadan. Beautiful Sipadan. She made feel so.. important. So possible to have something without being overly-sticky. So assured that we could have trust. I felt Lucky.

But just like the China trip, things were… va va voom after I came back. One day I was happy with the way she was talking to me, the next, she hid things. One, two, three..

For the first time since handing her the benefit of the doubts, I feel her slowly straddling outta the circle of trust. I was starting to doubt her words. Her pass lies suddenly came flooding back. I started questioning many things she told me previously.

And she proved all her words wrong.

I was mad. I was pissed and disappointed. I was… I felt like I needed a little respect when I was weak. I loved the way she lie when I was fed with rage.

I wanted to 放手,放开所有.

She made her choice, didn’t she? She was on the Island king of love.

Or so she said I thought she was.

Leaving her then was a real pain. I had to listen to a lot a lot a lot a lot ALOT of songs of strength. Chinese, English.. and I’m sure if I knew any malay ones.. I’ll take it as well.

But one super duper embarrassing event later, we came clean.

And again, (albeit falling asleep halfway through!) she made promises. She asked for time.

Words, again.

I prayed. And I believed.

For a while, it was all classical music all around. Love story, Romance de Amor. Pain hidden in comfort. Super cheesy days.

But I knew I was happy when I had the same cringy feel sometimes when we touched.

From there on, it was happy, not happy, happy, not happy. She was very nice. She tried her best to assure me, she tried to not do what I did not like. She was great.

But I guess she tried to make him happy as well. And quite obviously, our likes and dislikes would clash.

So she hid stuff from me again. And she stayed at his place... and not just once. Even after we spoke about it. This time it’s different though. It wasn’t like the times before. We were supposed to have a respect for one another. Try as I might, I couldn’t swallow it. I let the first one go. We went on a real nice date on the flyer. But I really couldn’t swallow it.

Jason Mraz kept me in check a little. But come the week after, BOOMZ! ONE MORE TIME! I swear I could do a little El Tango De Roxanne here.

God. I wasn’t just angry. I was tired as well. Like exasperated. And dong li huo che and Richie Ren told me to 算了吧,就这样忘了吧。Those were the Mr Nice Guys. Rihanna, on the other hand, asked her to take a bow.

But on good days, I just feel like a certain Mr Brightside.

So I guess from there on, things.. were/are rocky. I have been afraid of being vulnerable to her again. I don’t not care. But I don’t dare to care either.

Paulnana’s death.. well, it shook me. And when I couldn’t reach her, I guess.. I finally experienced what it meant to be too tired to move spiritually.

Songs these days are a little more varied. They are my cycling tracks. The emo kind. The soft rock kind. Mixed with all the old ones. And many more HZGGs.

I like my current playlist - long nights, little girl, taylor swift.. you name it I have it. But I especially like what are words.


That song speaks.

This journey… has reminded me very much of my mum. Of my family. And how I’m always the compromisable one. But anger aside, I’m also starting to wonder if I am the reason why people treat me this way. Is it my lack of self-discovery that’s making people spit down at me?

On the flip side though, you also get to see who respects your choices and who doesn’t. You win some, you lose some.

So why am I talking so much?


....

We made a very tough decision yesterday. At least for me, it was.


And I'm not having the best of times now.

But regretful or not, I don’t think I could stand being a spare tire… or an insignificant another for much longer.

I know, I know she's not as bad. And I can't say I don't miss her.

Guess I just didn’t matter enough.

And anyway, I think she’s coping better than I am.

One step at a time, one foot after another.

heh. Maybe we should name our album..

Strangers, again.

Monday, May 09, 2011

One week on..

I'm still looking at paulnana's fb profile.

When jin died, I felt like it was a terrible waste. At 15, she hasn't done much. Again, we couldn't over cry. We had the Prelims to focus on. We had the council to take care of. We had to be the pillar for our juniors. They were counting on us for directions. But for paulina, without the juniors, why are we still trying to be strong? Why do I feel so strongly about holding it back for ppl like Wenxi and Joanne? What is this sense of comfort - that she didn't had to go through much pain. That this was what she wanted?

But still, despite this knowledge, it aches.

Paulina's death has brought about.. A lot of uncertainties. Alot of questions. Alot of regrets, Alot of fears.

One week is perhaps about time I snapped outta it. Mourning is such an overused word, it doesn't even feel right to mourn.

I very much want to grieve. But you know you can't when everyone is celebrating her life, and not mourning the loss.

You'd think that after jin, surprises like these would not affect you anymore. That is such a wrong concept. You'll never know how it feels like to lose a friend... Until you lose a friend. Where do they go? How did they feel?

But if there's a silver lining to her death, it is this:

Her death has brought about a greater faith in god. We see her making a scene in heaven.. Making whoever's waiting for us, whoever's waiting for their loved ones, laugh. And she must be irritating the shit outta the early departed now.

That is so paulnana. The pau I knew, the pau I hear she still is.

But how do you describe the loss you feel as well? Close friend or not, once close friend and now no longer or not, acquaintance or not, how do you express the loss of someone you knew? Someone you used to laugh with and hang out with? Someone who thanked you profusely just coz you cut short a much anticipated trip around the country with the rest so she catch her breath? It was my duty to make that call, pau. But you were respectful. You were thankful. You blamed yourself. And I didn't say enough to comfort you.

Tried ecp again the other day.

That was a deep sense of dread. Like as you approached it, you lose all energy. It was a painful ride. One I never want to go through again. But Mai was right, I had to overcome it.

And I'm glad I did.

So I pray. In god's name, I pray. For Paulina.. For her family, for her best friend, for everyone who misses her and hate themselves for being lazy to call on her.

May they continue to find peace and unexplained calmness in the parting of someone so dear and someone so miraculous.

Pau, may you enjoy his kingdom.

Her pastor said the other day at her funeral.. there are no lights in heaven. Yet there is no darkness in heaven either. For our father is so glorious he makes it bright.

For the first time in my 24 years, I related to it. That's all I remember.

But sometimes I can't find his light. I feel his warmth alright.. But where is the light? The thing that illuminates it all?

Although I'm glad I had a eventful, self-making weekend, I think I'm starting to experience the effects of sleep deprevation. 2 hours of sleep a day is killng. But I can't sleep. Do you know that? I can't sleep.

I feel like I'm not fully utilizing my youth. I'm not seizing the day nor taking control of my life.

I am nothing but a mere dog, being dragged around by a leash. All day, everyday.

Where is my dignity? What is my right?

Do you understand the pain of losing again and again? Losing in life, and losing through death. If you are going to lose all one day, why not lose all now once and for all?

No one will understand how it feels like. To feel it but also knowing that you're not supposed to be feeling it.

Oxymorons again. For they so fill the world.

Gambai my friends.
Tonight I can write the saddest lines.

Write, for example,'The night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.'

The night wind revolves in the sky and sings.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.

Through nights like this one I held her in my arms
I kissed her again and again under the endless sky.

She loved me, and sometimes I loved her too.
How could one not have loved her great still eyes.

Tonight I can write the saddest lines.
To think that I do not have her. To feel that I have lost her.

To hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
And the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.

What does it matter that my love could not keep her.
The night is full of stars and she is not with me.

This is all. In the distance someone is singing. In the distance.
My soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.

My sight searches for her as though to go to her.
My heart looks for her, and she is not with me.

The same night whitening the same trees.
We, we who were, we are the same no longer.

I no longer love her, true, but how I loved her.
My voice searched the wind to touch her ear..

Another's. She will be another's. As she once belonged to my kisses.
Her voice. Her bright body. Her inifinite eyes.

I no longer love her, true, but perhaps I love her.
Love is so short and oblivion so long.

Because on nights like this I held her in my arms
my soul is lost without her.

Although this may be the last pain she causes me,
and this may be the last poem I write for her.

-- Pablo Neruda.

Saturday, May 07, 2011

Elohim, god on high.
Can you hear your people cry?

Help us now,
this dark hour.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Shalom, Paulnana..
Shalom.


How long/Who can/Why does.. one grieve?

Goodbye my friend, be safe my friend,
at peace, at peace.
L’hit-rah-oat,
Till we meet again,

Shalom,
Shalom.

Sunday, May 01, 2011

you live, you learn.
you love, you learn.
you cry, you learn.
you lose, you learn.

Saturday, April 30, 2011

0:02

hmm, 我知啊.

but this time I sian already.

like seriously.

Now I'm falling asleep
And she's calling a cab
While he's having a smoke
And she's taking a drag
Now they're going to bed
And my stomach is sick
And it's all in my head
But she's touching his chest now,
he takes off her dress now,
letting me go

And I just can't look its killing me
And
taking
control

Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Swimming through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it's just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes

'Cause I'm Mr Brightside
!

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Too weak to think too sick to behave.

I can't leave you why don't you leave me instead

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

I don't like what the heels mean.

i don't see you i angry.
i see you i angry.
now i see your shoes i also angry!

wahliaothenhow?

AND Mai has gone over to the other side.

She liked those shoes!!

We do not see eye to eye anymore.

TRAITOR!

Saturday, April 23, 2011

can you handle me the way i are.

Wrote the previous post half before bed this morn and half before leaving home this evening- both of which when I was trapped in the demons of my mind.

What a weekend.

I've forgotten my place. I've pitted myself against him,

I am ashamed of myself.

Just ended a badminton game w Darren n ks. Haven't done this in a long time. And it's funny whilst taking a break along the benches to think back on how we started playing from a smelly, stuffy, overcrowded badminton hall to an overpriced community centre before finally landing on this beautiful vacant hall.

And after so many yrs, we're still fucking one another in our games. Heh.

I had a very distracted game. Partly coz of how rusty i am ( my nerves feels like they are all tangled amongst one another now. Owwww. ) and partly coz I kept thinking of her. Kept trying to decipher my own mind.

It feels great to sweat and shout to the game. Like an outlet that was rational.

But I didn't feel good all throughout.

At some point, I wondered if I was being over sensitive, while at others, I contemplated the thought of sucking it up like a man. But at hard shots, I had flashes on how things were hidden from me.. And I think.. I would never be gracious or man enough to change that aspect of me.

Even if there are times where I feel like I can live with that, i know it'll only be temporary. It is innate in me to take it as an insult when kept in the dark.. be it for my own good or not. And the more I discover, the more skeptical i'd be and this will translate into distrust. I will always feel disrespected with each stone unturned. And even if she's genuine to me, I can never be like Alvin - accepting to only be her weekday fuck. I really don't know how I would be able to stay sane knowing that they are sleeping together. Perhaps it is this greatest difference in our belief system that will always hinder our progress.

Do you remember the days where we made each other feel good even when we're not in sight or in company? I miss that. I miss that strength. I miss that even when I was a loser, I felt like a winner. And that I could laugh like a king because I had the support of my queen.

I miss the queen maybe.

This is what it's supposed to be about isn't it? To make one another feel good or feel hopeful for ourselves both as individuals and as one.

But I know I have to accept that she's never going to be ready to handle this.

I just wish I could face it so calmly and bravely all the time.

And that i don't have to act nonchalant anymore.

But if this is the only way out.......
sigh.

Dear god,
i don't feel you anymore.