Suddenly Cheena.



Mai has left.
Sadness overwhelms. But self-reliance awaits.

Or so I hope.

I've always had a thing for goodbyes. A bad thing, that is.
Never understood the concept of it. Never understood why I should welcome new friends, new ties, new things when everything has to end.

Never liked goodbyes.

But no goodbyes were tougher than the one at Yellowstone. The agony of having the entire camp wake up early in the morning to bid farewell. To have to pack your bags in the wee hours of the morning with such dread and reluctance to go. To hold back your tears and suck back your emotions when going around for the final hug or to turn back and see Kelsey and Nick chasing after the van.

It is too bad no one around understands that. Yellowstone is nothing but a myth to all. The wild, the nature, the self-discovery, life of no technology and the convenience to turn ignorant. That's the beauty of country life. You hold a job.. not necessarily for wealth and fortune but just enough for food and lodging and some savings, you end work at the precise time so you have the luxury to unwind and pursue a hobby, you gather at anywhere convenient, you take a hike whenever necessary, etc etc. Things are slow and less complicated. Utopia, really. But could we realistically live on that?

When I first returned to civilization and was on my verbal rampage with xie, KS and PL, I remember telling them this was the extreme and that no more farewells would hurt since the bar had been set.

I couldn't be more wrong.

June and Mai said yesterday that this is not a final farewell. That we are all still in Singapore and that maintaining in contact was no biggie. How I wish I could see things from their point of view. Instead of shrinking the impact of facing departures, Yellowstone, in retrospect, distorts my concept of reality. Are farewells really that hard? Are bonds really that difficult to maintain? Or have the ultimate separation poisoned whatever optimism i should have for the future -- or faith on friendships.. and people that matter?

The facts are clear. Those who mattered, and whom you matter to would stay. Loo and gang have stuck by for 11 years; PL, ah bert and all for 6; Eng is still dropping me colourful pictures of encouragement/thoughts, Sean nee is still taking the initiative; Celia and Wichan has been here TWICE; Matej and I are still writting; Kelsey and I are still chatting.. and the list goes on.

Those who mattered stays.

But why do I fear the future so much if the track record's been set? Do I fear losing those who matter? Or do I fear not mattering to the people who mattered to me?

oh i know this is more of a chicken or egg question. I just had to ask.

whichever the case, Mai, Grace told me she misses you. you can still take back your resignation letter. *kinky wink.

and I'm not used to the empty seat beside me already. (all other mushiness, you already know!)

I am approaching yet another crossroad in life. A huge one at that.

How did I allow myself to become so jaded?

Feel like I've lost hold of who I am. Or however little me i've known myself to be. I'm overwhelmed with changes and I'm finding it hard to keep my head abreast. Or to keep myself in check. And the thing is, I'm not only talking about changes in my surroundings, I'm also talking about the changes within me.

Can't help but cave in to the nagging feeling that it's time to find out who I am. Loo says that everyday is a road to self-discovery until the day we die.

How true. But why then do so many people seem like they know exactly what they are doing?

Have you ever found yourself wondering what courses of action you should take when a situation arises? Like you know you can react this way or that.. but you don't know which exactly to because.. you don't know the persona you're supposed to adopt. If your answer is yes, congratulations. You are as lost as I am.

I recently find myself in that predicament far too often for comfort. And it bothers me that I never know how to react simply because... i don't know what kinda person I am.

Maybe I knew myself better when I was the more impulsive, younger Yvonne. Or maybe I was better at reacting to situations based on what would ignite the best sparks. Now though, I want to choose a path that best fits me. And I want to react according to what I really want and not what people expects outta me.

who am i today?

Am i withholding all my frustrations? Or have i really gone numb to everything? If I really have turned stone, why am i still hiding at that corner so many times a day?

I used to advocate following your heart. Mai taught me to think with my brains. So what's a fair balance? what am i made up of? what are you made up of? 100% heart, 30-70? 60-40? what.

One junction, three paths.

1) half cup full.
2) u-turn.
3) blessing.

Guess I can only trust that in time to come, I will choose the right one based not on anythingelse but solely on the path that I want to embark on.

I am confused with the world, myself and i. Every dirty secret I learn of CM makes me wonder if this is the world I have to face everyday as i grow older. Every escapism of us I see makes me wonder.. of what, I no longer know. And everytime I see how many people, many colleagues no longer spare a thought for one another anymore, I'd wonder.. if I've become one of them.

There are just way too many thoughts in my brain and it's starting to fry. Sometimes I feel like a schizophrenic.. trapped in my own mind of words, suspicion and doubts.

But amidst the darkness my mind sounds to be, I sometimes also see a glimmer of light. Sometimes, somewhere. I see changes in my actions too -- but how real, or how long it'll be I do not know. My mindset's changing.. but is it for the better or is it for the worse?

Kang's hairstylist said something I found rather impactful -- " advocate change from within then others will follow. " wise words indeed. I need to change myself and to change my mindset before everything can be set in order. But things are nevertheless, always easier said than done.

Really tempted to pull an eat.pray.love soon.

So convincing is my lie to Grace about going to America to re-discover myself, I find myself tempted to really disappear once more.. so I get to know who i am truly inside. And the more Grace preaches about me having a mother who makes the gravest mistake of not letting me explore me for me (geddit geddit?), the more I want to break free.

What is my calling, what is my direction? If I strip myself of all material possessions and desires, what is my innermost need?

It is funny how I used to ask Kang the same question and now she seems to have a clearer path laid out than me. haha. funny, but still, undeniably proud of it as well.

always easier to say others than to reflect, they say.

aye! talking too much again.

hold me to bed, rock me to sleep.
unkang me the way i need.

谁不想自由
却忘了该付出的温柔

痛哭过后会否比较好受
放开过后
或许会更自由

很多时候
我们只是在寻找借口

什么是成就
只要你微笑着点头

欢笑过后
会否一直回首
失去以后
才学会如何看透.

回忆里什么陪我们走到最后
还不是哪些--

最简单的温柔