Saturday, September 26, 2015

i have slowly started to practice again, hoping that my hardwork pays off and I'm focusing on the right thing.

It is really a weird sensation, this learning process. When I am doing the exercises without the fear of judgements from my instructors, I am actually glad. To have something to focus on.

But I am so afraid that time will pass by and I am still too slow for the class. The girls are starting to ask me one by one... if i've noticed that ck is extremely fierce to me.

Of course I have. I'm the one getting it. I wonder sometimes if it's because of my short hair. OR issit just me.

When I was climbing yesterday ( the only thing in life now that is finally picking up after so many months ) we met this guy Teddie who is supposedly very good and was giving tips on climbing. everyone was hovering around him trying to pick up skills. So of course i joined in the fun. Except, I don't know if it's me or what... i can sense him moving backwards not daring to give me too many tips for fear of bruising my ego. And I can sense that it wasn't really him. It was me. I can't talk to him like the rest do and i didn't dare to ask him how to do a certain route. I asked him.... through Ching.

Is this the same for ck? How about mdm?

Does mdm take my questions as a joke but actually form opinions about them?
and ck?
i know he is trying very hard to be patient with me... the thing is, it's him to not be patient with me and i can't expect him to be. But why is it like that? I'm starting to think it's me.

Have I been too proud to learn? Or too shy to ask? Or do i just not carry my words across as most people do? What is the real problem with me?

I can't help but draw comparisons between Rachel and myself. I was impatient with Rachel when i was taking her. Just like ck , i know i consciously tried to be patient with her but deep inside something was pulling on the impatience line. I prayed all the time for some patience and i wondered whenever possible why i was behaving that way. That teaching her wasn't coming out naturally from me as i would have been with others.

Sometimes i asked the girls about it and once, someone told me it may be because of the way she carried herself. the swagger she had in her walk.

Am i giving off that aura too? how do i get rid of it?

how deep must this pit be to be so dark in here.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

when you try your best and you don't succeed,

you truly dont feel like you should have could have would have done more.

but you get angry at yourself for being so stupid.
and self doubts of success almost completely floods your mind.

i tried my best.

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

still struggling.

struggling to cope with learning new skills. struggling with the understanding and pride.

struggling with ghosts of the betrayal. struggling with the understanding and the pride.