i can't fall asleep.
And even if i could, i'ld be dreaming of them.

All my bags are packed,
i'm ready to go.
I'm standing here outside your door.
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.

but the dawn is breaking its early morn,
the taxi's waiting, blowing his horn.
Already i'm so lonesome i could die.

So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Cause i'm leaving on a jetplane.
Don't know when i'll be back again.
oh babe, i hate to go.

Am currently at Bozeman with Kelsey, Karolina, Agata, Matej and Joe. Leaving Bozeman tomorrow for Los Angeles before heading over to Taipei and Singapore.

So this time, this is really it.

I don't know how to say how i really feel. I'm DEFINITELY not happy about leaving but I'm glad that we are all here. All together in this beautiful motel.

Suddenly i feel like i have so much to tell all of them. So must to explain. So much emotions to express. But i'm having so much problems doing it. And the worst part is realizing that it's foolish of me to do nothing crazy like that since there is a kinda huge possibility that i might not see them again.

These days, i always find myself staring at all of them, trying to capture every expression, every movement and every moment with them. I don't want to forget but everything just seems so dreamy right now. It's unrealistic.

A good group of friends i have here.

Now, we're all ready to get drunk again. muahaha.

Anyways, Bozeman is really nice. It's neither too big nor too small. We should've been here sooner. Even though, i have my doubts about staying here long term too. I think it'll be too small for a forever-living-here kinda thing.

Sigh, i'm trying to be really excited and lively here.. but it's failing so badly.

Why do i hate going home so much?
It's just so weird.

Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah yeah

Ooh, inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

On with the,
On with the,
On with the show!

It's tomorrow.

It feels almost like a dream. Like somewhere in there it's hurting. Yet I can't show it on my face. What am i to do?

I don't want people here to see it as a sad affair. People here wants everything to be happy and i want them to be happy. So i can't show it.

People back home only says, " welcome back to reality. "; "come home. we want you home. " So I can't show it.

And there are things which i am dying to say if not i know i'ld regret for life but still, i can't show it and i can't say it.


So, what about me?
What about what i want?
What about what i want to DO?

If there's anything I learn from America, it's that the people here really do follow their heart. They know what they want; they do what they want.

Why can't i do the same?
Why do people back home not trust me?
Why do people back home want to control me?
Why can't i just do what i want?
Why don't i know what i want?
Why can't i say what i want?

Why can't i just tell you once and for all?

I am angry.
Angry with the world, with life, with how everything's not within my control.

I am angry with how you guys want me home not because you truly care but because you need someone to control.
I am angry at how everyone can't understand me.
I am angry at how people never see what i have done but judge me by their pre-cognition.

Most importantly, I am angry at things way beyond this.

I am angry with you.
Angry that you're running away.
Angry at how this is unfair to all of us.
Angry about the way you stare.

Yet i am not angry.
Because i just can't.

I am just an angry person.

Perhaps i really am a crazy asian.

5 days, 5 freaking days! oh wait, it's 4 actually. Fuck.

It feels really weird.
I look at everyone now, unable to imagine how it would be like the day i leave, or for the fact that there's a chance that this could be the last time we'll be seeing each other.
And all of a sudden, I feel like a dying man who wants to fulfill all my last wishes.

Whats worse, i can't show them as overbearingly as when i'm in Singapore.
I do talk about them ever so often.. somewhat as a way to minimize the pain, i guess. But it's not as bad as how Yvonne Goh usually does it. Sometimes, Kate's words before i left the last time still pops out in my mind and i wonder if everyone's feeling the sentiment. And that makes me all suspicious and scared of everyone around me.

My mind's like a never ending battlefield. And i want it all to just STOP. Sigh.

Anyways, had dinner at a semi-fancy restaurant ( Old Faithful Inn ) with the 'UN team' today. It was a great dinner, i think. I mean, i really love the idea of spending time together. And i do so cherish every minute that's left. Except, once again, i felt weird. Not weird as in they-are-such-a-weird-group-of-friends weird.. but more of the, weird-as-in-no-words-can-describe weird.



There are so much things i would like to say.. so much within me that I feel like expressing to them. But somehow, I wonder what good this would be to everyone. Besides, I don't even know what i want to say. haha..

I really wish i could get drunk every night, so i don't have to face these creatures of the night. Or rather the creatures of my mind.

I know, Strange entry once again.
Goodnight world.

Just for the record, all in all, today was a great day. Loved how everyone dressed up, loved how we set aside time for one another. Loved how we had great laughs in the restaurant. Love that I love these people here. Maybe what's so hard about leaving is how much i love the people and the place here.

And despite how sad i am, i am seeking solace in Indian rojaking with xie and the rest. Catching up with JC gang and the other nonsensical things i always do back home. Except, I can't fully visualize things right now. Too consumed with absorbing the most i can from this place, you see.

Just.wish.the.world.wasn't.so.small.and.i.ain't.that.weird.

Alright.. really have to zzz.
Goodnight once again.

It's getting hard to, be around you.
There's so much i can't say.
Do you want me to hide the feelings?
Or look the other way.

I don't know, how to be fine when i'm not.
And I don't know how to make these feelings stop.

Just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me.
And I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.

Thought you should know, I've tried my best to let go of you.
But I can't help it.
I wanna say it all before I go,
Just so you know.

I'm far from holy. But i'm convinced that god has his reasons. and plans.

That's all i can trust now, anyway.

I still can't believe i'm leaving next week.

This second trip back here has been so weird. I've been acting weird and as such, people around me has been acting weird. And i'm still trying to figure out why - why i've been behaving like this anyway.

It feels like the time here has been so short even though it's only a week shorter than my first time here.

I still remember how it was like when i first got here: excited to be here, scared to be all alone, scared at all the 'strange' americans, touched by the angels, uber happy over the snow and woah.. many many more. What an emotional medley it was.

The trip this time, on the contrary, have been filled with sensitivity, unspoken tension, undisclosed emotions and more often than not, things were a blur. ( most probably because we couldn't stay sober for too long. hahaha. )

Hell, i even blog differently now.

But despite these never-ending issues, i am still really glad i made the choice to come back. And i do love working in the EDR. The only thing that is really bugging me is some comments my previously well-respected co-workers. But you know, shit happens. The main thing is to survive it, i think.

The most amazing experience, though, is to meet the 4 incredible friends of mine, most of which coming from different countries. In no or hardly ( JOKE ) any order of preference, Kelsey, Karolina, Agata and Matej are 4 really cool people from 3 really separate countries.

Kelsey's a real cool chick from Minnetonka, Minnesota - the only American in this 'circle of trust'. haha.. I always call her a nerd because of her way over average GPA and her ability to memorize weird stuffs like the serial numbers to the different stocks in the store. She is, however, way better than what i'm describing her as right now. She's freakishly tall, has a baby face ( or so I say ), really funny, really crazy and in some ways, really beautiful as well. Although she doesn't think so, Kelsey knows exactly what she wants in life, sticks to all her decisions to the very end and chooses to filter out most of the unhappy stuff she knows by pretending she doesn't know. All in all, she's like at least 10 times more than what is described right here.

Karolina's this hot chica from Poland. She's really similar to Kelsey in terms of mentality, thoughts and reactions. She loves working overtime, loves to get drunk except she doesn't because i always snatch the attention away before she is able to and she's a real mature person who makes talking to really easy. She can get wild and crazy when she partys but she never loses herself. I only got to know Karolina better on this trip and maybe a few days before i last left and i'm really glad we had the chance to get better accquainted.

Agata's this black hair beauty from Poland as well. She's Karolina's best friend and they study, live and came here together. Agata's real cool to be with as well except she keeps way too much stuff to herself. I really hope that she'll be able to open up to anyone of us one day. Her work here so far hasn't been exactly smooth sailing because of arrangements with co-workers but she's strong in the sense that she still does her best no matter what. I admire Agata's strength and courage and i really think she has the potential to enter the modelling / fashion industry.

Matej's the only BOY in the group. He's from Slovenia and is REALLY tall. Despite his tall, not bad looking features, he yelps like a girl. haha... Kelsey, himself and me were hiking at Mallard lake once when he saw this deer ( which was apparantly smaller than the last deer he saw at the same hike a couple of weeks earlier ) and yelped really weirdly. Weirdly for him, funnily for us. I have to say, when it comes to girls, Matej's a typical guy. However, he is a good brother as well. He listens, he jokes, he helps out. Without him, the last time i left would be worst than what it was. And even though i've been weird here, Matej never fails to get drunk with me and start pushing everyone around. In fact, he even made a tree fall when we were hiking at DeLacey Creek! hahaha.. Even though i always say i will kill him one day ( 50% of a joke is real, btw. ), I'm really glad i met Matej and had the opportunity to work with him.

Of course, this is not the only people i know/met. The other foreigners are really cool hang out people as well. We have the taiwanese girls ( lots and lots and lots ot them! ), one from turkey, one from slovakia and another from china. We don hang out exceptionally much but we visit each other pretty often and I have to say, my initial impression of them have really changed ALOT this time. In the good way, that is.

I'm really bummed out about leaving so soon. And what sucks the most is the fact that there's a huge ass chance that we won't get to see each other ever again. Why is the world so big? what is singapore's problem? Every ticket out and in of here's so freaking expensive.

I don wanna leave. Really don't wanna.
The upcoming week's gonna be so painful.

How i wish i could tell the world what's really going on inside..

and have them totally understand this agony.

Had a really good conversation with Toan tonight. It's probably the first 'real' conversation i've had with him since I've ever knew him. And it's sweet mainly because he's part asian, part european ( westernized. ) That somehow means he understands how it feels like to be trapped in a system you don't want to be in.

I cannot find the right words to describe how satisfied i feel with finally finding someone who somehow feels like i do but in the simplest word ever, i'ld say it was G.R.E.A.T!

i've been a real pain in my yellowstone friend's ass lately i should change. I have to change! sometimes, i wish to apologize to them about my nightly drunken stupor but its just too hard to get those words out.

I hope they'ld realize how much i really appreciate them out here. Really do.