Retribution on Redemption Central.

Many many years ago, I hit the lowest point in any relationship. The darkest, rather. i was immature and childish. Perhaps we Both were. We always looked at the surface of things. We fought for the sake of fighting, whispered sweet nothings because we were influenced by the media, apologized not because we meant it and made many moves the young would've done. But I went overboard. I made a huge mistake. And I did disgraceful things against my conscience. I never was able to face up to that. Not even in talkkok. and I lived with that mistake, convincing myself that since she did me wrong first, i was entitled to payback. I carried on with the abuse. Thinking I'd have my chance to apologize even if it were to be on my deathbed. Make it a little melodramatic, you know.

I just wanted her attention then. And I opted the wrong path.

But as I grew older, my conscience bit back harder.

I was lucky only because she didn't turn the cops on me then. I would've been in alot of trouble. That was how big the deal was.

And still, I took it for granted and lived with that lie. I even carried it to the generations after. My ONLY act of redemption was an annoyomous apology to the people involved each year, for many years after.

I was an asshole. I still am.

And 2 weeks ago, I had a reality check.

Pau's death.. the abruptness of it made me fear the reality AND possibility of dropping dead without making up for my misdeeds. And my daily bad habits just increases that possibility like only a thousand times.

I panicked. Admist the grieve then, I was also scared. When news of pau's death hit me right in the middle of a frustrating ride, I not only felt the shock and lost, I also felt like a scumbag. Even though it had nth to do with pau. Weird time to feel that way, I know. But it's hard to explain how weird emotions hit u randomly. I guess that's when you realize how important some matters are to you. At least it seemed to me like I had to do smth about it.

I hated that kang kang was out galavanting when it happened. I hated that I couldn't reach her when I needed her. I hated it very much. And truth be told, i regreted contacting her immediately. For expecting her comfort. At least for a while.. Until I realized that it will always be like this. She would only be almost here.

I hated that reality. And i So badly wanted to punch walls again.

That whole week was a mess. My mind was fried.

But a couple of painful days later, I took my first baby step to coming clean. It wasn't all smooth like it would be in the movies and i hit a huge wall along the way but on the whole, it went alright. Very reality kind. We have still been in contact but we've always had our qualms, awkwardness and distrust. Still, it was one step closer to apologizing and addressing the issues. To be honest, I just wanted to selfishly ease my conscience but she was nice about it. We didnt address the issue per se, we spoke in riddles and I can sense the hesistation she had in trusting me abt it but she was very kind and forgiving. And she tried to sound assuring, like how she did when we first started talking again, that she had put that matter behind her.

I didn't feel good immediately, and I still don feel like a saint now. But I'm still glad I took that step.

Lately, kang kang and I reminds me of those days. Not in the dark way. But that it's a retribution of my past actions.

But again, with all honesty, I think that on one hand this is retribution, on the other, I can't help but feel like kang to Her bf, to me, and to herself was how I was before. All separately n Less evil, no doubt. But the similarity exists.

I couldnt let go of that person because, i was in comfort. And i couldnt deal with losing. I was uncertain of my path in life and I wanted everything in my possession. And that I feel, FEEL, is what she has w her bf.

I really don't know much about their r/s, I dono what she told me before were e truth n I have no right to pass that kinda comment but the fact that after only a few months, ah Bert n her bf broke up just so she can be with Aloy n alvin's Korean chick broke up just to e with him makes me feel so much worse.

I want to be a supporting sister and listen to not only his woes but also his joy. Yet when he started telling me what happened, I had to shut him up. I know he didnt and wouldn't blame me but I still feel like a unsupportive, immature sister no less.

But I just couldn't deal with being the inferior good in our tri-partite relationship.

Back then, I blamed the world for everything. I blamed her for leaving me, god for abandoning me, I blamed and blamed and blamed and never self reflected. Even if I did, it was all for show. But I knew I didn't mean it. That, again what I FEEL, is kang to herself.

Feel.

And finally, to me, this is what I think is repeating history: Back then, our feelings to the other was to spite one another. To la sai so the conversation wouldn't turn stale.

Isn't that what's happening now? We stab one another. But nth gets solved.

Of course, It may not all be true. But I can't deny that a part of me feels like we are seeing things on different level because I've done it myself before.

And i was worse. I was a scumbag!

And this is my retribution.

I have had good and bad days since we parted. I guess you could say life has been rather hectic. My days have been packed frm the moment I got up till I shut my eyes. I have been kept busy with activities. I managed to do the same 2 routes, plus additional cycling w ks, night cycling with loo n gang, had a gd lunch with ah Bert, had a one hr rendezvous with Sharen, had my nightly indulgence, met mai's replacement, tried ks's Bibimap, had a short chat with ht, badminton etc etc etc. So much activities I could feel like a whole new person.

But how much truth is there to that I wonder. Am I busy enjoying my days or am i trying to keep myself occupied so I can end each day peacefully?

Falling asleep is no longer a problem. It's the staying asleep I'm afraid of. And the waking up. Ohh the waking up.

Mother recenty revamped the room to kang's concept she did months back. I loved it with all the privacy and bedside wonders. and when I saw it for the first time, my first instinct was to snap a picture to send it to kang.

But HAH. what's to send to who?!

I had to delete that picture.

If I focus on the good things, things are not that bad. Perspective again. Anyone can do it. But u know how it's not so easy to see things half glass full all the time. Takes lotsa will power. And I'm really very tired.

There are times where I really feel like picking up my phone and giving her a call. But thinking of how she's gonna hurt me again and not realize it makes me stop in my track.

I really miss the happy moments. but i also dread the hurtful ones. And While she made me feel worse about myself throughout the year, she also made me feel like I want to be someone better. Fitter, richer, mature-er.

So how do you make the shot?

There's a quote in free willy 3 that goes like this:

"Do you have to do the right thing even if it hurts?
That's what makes doing the right thing hard."



So this is how it feels like.

Well surprise surprise, I don't like it.