One week on..

I'm still looking at paulnana's fb profile.

When jin died, I felt like it was a terrible waste. At 15, she hasn't done much. Again, we couldn't over cry. We had the Prelims to focus on. We had the council to take care of. We had to be the pillar for our juniors. They were counting on us for directions. But for paulina, without the juniors, why are we still trying to be strong? Why do I feel so strongly about holding it back for ppl like Wenxi and Joanne? What is this sense of comfort - that she didn't had to go through much pain. That this was what she wanted?

But still, despite this knowledge, it aches.

Paulina's death has brought about.. A lot of uncertainties. Alot of questions. Alot of regrets, Alot of fears.

One week is perhaps about time I snapped outta it. Mourning is such an overused word, it doesn't even feel right to mourn.

I very much want to grieve. But you know you can't when everyone is celebrating her life, and not mourning the loss.

You'd think that after jin, surprises like these would not affect you anymore. That is such a wrong concept. You'll never know how it feels like to lose a friend... Until you lose a friend. Where do they go? How did they feel?

But if there's a silver lining to her death, it is this:

Her death has brought about a greater faith in god. We see her making a scene in heaven.. Making whoever's waiting for us, whoever's waiting for their loved ones, laugh. And she must be irritating the shit outta the early departed now.

That is so paulnana. The pau I knew, the pau I hear she still is.

But how do you describe the loss you feel as well? Close friend or not, once close friend and now no longer or not, acquaintance or not, how do you express the loss of someone you knew? Someone you used to laugh with and hang out with? Someone who thanked you profusely just coz you cut short a much anticipated trip around the country with the rest so she catch her breath? It was my duty to make that call, pau. But you were respectful. You were thankful. You blamed yourself. And I didn't say enough to comfort you.

Tried ecp again the other day.

That was a deep sense of dread. Like as you approached it, you lose all energy. It was a painful ride. One I never want to go through again. But Mai was right, I had to overcome it.

And I'm glad I did.

So I pray. In god's name, I pray. For Paulina.. For her family, for her best friend, for everyone who misses her and hate themselves for being lazy to call on her.

May they continue to find peace and unexplained calmness in the parting of someone so dear and someone so miraculous.

Pau, may you enjoy his kingdom.

Her pastor said the other day at her funeral.. there are no lights in heaven. Yet there is no darkness in heaven either. For our father is so glorious he makes it bright.

For the first time in my 24 years, I related to it. That's all I remember.

But sometimes I can't find his light. I feel his warmth alright.. But where is the light? The thing that illuminates it all?

Although I'm glad I had a eventful, self-making weekend, I think I'm starting to experience the effects of sleep deprevation. 2 hours of sleep a day is killng. But I can't sleep. Do you know that? I can't sleep.

I feel like I'm not fully utilizing my youth. I'm not seizing the day nor taking control of my life.

I am nothing but a mere dog, being dragged around by a leash. All day, everyday.

Where is my dignity? What is my right?

Do you understand the pain of losing again and again? Losing in life, and losing through death. If you are going to lose all one day, why not lose all now once and for all?

No one will understand how it feels like. To feel it but also knowing that you're not supposed to be feeling it.

Oxymorons again. For they so fill the world.

Gambai my friends.