Ever since i came home for the (not quite) hols, i've been battling with countless debates in my head.

Questions like why i'm like that, why i have such friends, why i have such family, why do i feel this way, why it has to be like this, why can't i seem to feel like i've done my revisions, why isn't anybody seeing what i've put in, why are they comparing me, why am i feeling so pressured, why cant i think out of the box, why do i have these expectations on myself, why don i have these expectation on myself, why are they judging me.. why why whys.

My mind's like a sickening 3 year old child. It comes out with stumbling questions that i wouldn't know how to answer and if i could, more whys would surface.

i feel like a block of wood. Like i'm a walking zombie of sorts. I can't state my stand, i can't even stick to my stand because i know everyone expects me to stick to their stand. but sometimes, just sometimes, i need to do what i think is right.

FYP is totally driving me crazy right now. but it's not the workload. It's more of the lack of. i struggled so hard the past couple of weeks, only to see my teacher and my groupmates change their stand as and when they like. And it's odd how they can come up with such convincing arguments that counter their previous argument which they conveniently forgot. Feels like i've always been the fool.

i'm shocked at how they can not shamefully proclaim about their laziness and attempts at avoiding doing their work. i've resisted time and again to talk about things like this here, but this is getting too ridiculous.

And then there's pho220. Perhaps i really don have the makings of a photographer, but i still hope there are ppl who has the same sentiments as me. That it's diluting the whole purpose of photography.

I know i have to push my boundaries. I have to stop worrying and i have to just do it.

But i'm heading for a burn-out. People are telling me that exams still have a good 8 week from now. But i feel like it's only 3 weeks to it. i need to put my mind into perspective.

sigh.
it's on days like this that i think that i need to take up that offer to australia. Break out of my comfort zone. Learn to be independent. Learn to see that the world is more than my family. My family don't need me. I really should start focusing elsewhere.

i need a jog, a swim or something.

my dear fyp mates, please give me a hand.