While I verryy slowllyy pack up for Sipadan,
I feel an even stronger sense of reluctance, on top of that lil bit'a excitement I have.

I am reluctant to leave her.

Yet I cannot turn away from what this trip may bring.
Imagine it.
I'll be in the middle of no where!
Away from all the buzz, noise and unwanted civilization,
Enjoying the underwater experience,
Re-living the eat.sleep.dive factor.

I've always wanted this - a proper getaway. That's why I agreed to go for the trip in the first place.
But while I yearn for an adventure like this, I'm also afraid of the repercussions..

Apart from the 100000000001 emails and arrows in my back i'm gonna get while I'm out,
I am also worried about the possibility of not having any way of reaching her at nowheresville.
Of how she may conveniently have a jolly good time and forget about me.

I knowww i know. Should this happen, the implication is crystal clear.

I'm just not sure if I would be able to deal with the voices in my head.
Whether I can stop wondering if they are together, or if she is holding to him , or laughing the way I like it to be.
Oh Mr Jealousy you sneaky fella.

It's gonna be tough alright.
But I want her to be enjoying herself while I'm gone too.
Just that I don't like it when it's with him. HA.

Most importantly, after all that has happened at work recently, I feel like a million more times guilty and uneasy about going on a holiday NOW.
I hate that I might not be around when she needs it.

Lately work hasn't been going too smoothly for everyone.
Chinawoman is being a chinawoman,
Gaga is going gaga,
Mai is hitting the limit,
She is being bullied ( or more and more so I feel. )
And the more shit like these crops up, the more uncomfortable I feel about leaving.
I usually remind myself not to say too much in front of other colleagues or try to get involved with the problems unless necessary but I wanna at the very least be around.
For her, and for friends like Mai.

There are so many things I am afraid of. So many things I may lose.
And so many things I know I'd wish I could share with her while I'm there.

Yet I also know that this may serve as a good test for us.

So that's where the difficult part lies. Because despite knowing this,
I still cannot bring myself to say goodbye.

I know this sounds like a ridiculous load to worry about for a mere week's trip.
But this is very different from packing for Taiwan the last time.
I still cannot see myself at Sipadan,
and I have a really bad naggy feeling.

Think I'm going to miss you.

DON'T JUDGE ME.
I'M SLEEPY.
AND I'M INSECURE THIS WAY!

Goodnight.