In the lap of her lover.
Every weekend, I hold that glimpse of hope that she will finally do something different and take control and not disappoint me.

But week after week, it's the same. It started out with mere jealousy. But now it's more like a reality check.. A way to hold me back and remind me of my place after the emotional deceit I receive each week.

It's the intent of her rendezvous that drives me crazy and not her hanging out with him that bothers me so much now. What is her intent? To hang out of obligation? Or to have a wild ride? What do they do? How did she expect me to take it? And how was I supposed to react when I always find out they do more than what she tells me they do? Why can't she just be truthful about what she's thinking / doing / saying?

I blame myself all the time for appearing so possessive and unrelenting. For being so distrustful. I blamed myself last night. I blamed myself the night before. I blame myself for thinking I have a say in this when he is the OFFICIAL one. I tried to be nonchalant n let it not bother me. And I even considered sensibly talking to her about it.. in the hope of working something out. But all for fuck?

All for fuck.

So this was what you wanted?
Make me feel like I colour your world, show him he colours yours..
And then take turns?

It's one thing to ask me to be patient while you try to figure things out.
It's another to ask me to do that so you can have your cake and eat it.
If you cared enough for me, you wouldn't have wanted to put me through this.

Maybe he's cool with it.
Maybe you are too.

But I'm not.
I have more dignity than that.

She taught me that action speaks louder than words.

She was right.

The day she finds out how much I knew and know will be the day this will past the point of no return.

And I'm sensing my fuse stretching thin.

I was willing to let so many things pass. I was seeing a change in her. But apparantly the bottomline still exists - She still see's me a mere toy. Her spare tire.

So what am I to do? Continue playing the fool?

It's not only words that constitutes lies. To convey a false impression is equally as guilty.

If he's gonna be the one who makes you happy,
why don't you just make that fucking choice?

Coz I don't wanna always be led to thinking I can make you smile.. when I'm only your runner-up.

You, in retrospect, meant the world to me.
I wish I could promise you'd stay that way.
But you are slowlyblowing it.

And that hurts me as much as it might hurt you.