Yesterday was a good day except for the hiccups at work and at cdc. Yet as I strolled home, I couldn't help but realize I was feeling a weeeee bit emo. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the job, maybe it was the disappointment at lesson or maybe it was the impending weekends.

I don't really know.
But usually switching to a livelier music on the iPod helps. Not yesterday though. At that moment, those songs only served to bore me. I suddenly became enthusiastic on songs with a stronger beat, to lyrics on pain, to words that are so beautifully crafted, you'd think it came from a poem.

Lately I often find myself swimming in a whole new realm I've never been in before.

Once again, I browsed through the pictures of them together last night. Just to gauge how I fair on my mind-over-matter measure.

I don't know when I'd let my guard down and I don't know if I dare to - even if I wanted to.

Much as I think it's the fact that she is still in a relationship, I think alot of it has to do with me as well. It is a "it takes both hands to clap" thing.

I don't and probably won't understand how she can feel the way I feel when she's still with another. It sounds unfair to piece together a piece of the past to a piece of the present - especially when these are from 2 (or 3) different jigsaw puzzles but the pieces are too similar and that sends back to me eerie remnants of a long ago story that didn't quite end off too well.

I'm really not the possessive sort ( or at least I THINK I'm not. ) but I get uncomfortable when I know she's with him. Yet, weighing out this discomfort and having being kept in the dark, I'd choose the former anytime. Hate how it's like to discover you're being lied to. But then I'd ask myself again if choosing between both is even necessary or a should-be.

At the same time though, I know I have issues to work through on my own as well. It's starting to look like the 2 before poink had a repercussive impact on me. It's hard to describe how it feels like but it definitely puts me on tenterhooks. And all these combined with the pain of the last CNY-period saga completely brings out another more skeptical and semi-paranoid side of me I've perhaps never seen before.

Paranoid not in the YOU-STAY-BY-MY-SIDE-ALL-THE-TIME-!!!!! paranoid but the sigh-whatever-you-want-whatever-you-say-whatever-you-like type.

I think I sound rude to her in our messages. It's really not on purpose. But with the knowledge that on one other end, he is talking to her as well, I don't know how to talk nicely. I'm really not being spiteful and all - I just think it's tiring for her and I feel a leeeettle bit stupid being funny when he might be making her laugh as well. Again, hard to explain.

This is all too foreign and yet too familiar to me.

Contrary to maybe popular believe though, my life is not just about relationship as well. At least it's starting to not be..

Work sucks.
And I say it with a passion.

It is stagnant, invasive, non-progressive and non-money making.
Day in day out, old people throw work at us - well, mostly me now ever since mai mai "banged table" - just because we are younger. It is the culture here that bores! There is no motivation or drive to do something beyond or to challenge yourself because it gets you no where but into a larger pile of mess.

Things only get fun on the rare occasions Mai and I have something to complete together. It's how we can complement each other's job that creates that short burst of motivation. When we are rushing for the same deadline, we take over different parts of the job without the need to say much. That's mo qi for you and that's what the office and maybe even what the school lacks.

That was also what disappeared from this pseudo marketing department when Eng left.

MOST MOST MOST importantly, where for art thou pay?

When I don't get my pay, I get a little angsty because money is security afterall. But then again, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my pay because the lack of motivation at work makes me day dream and blog all the time so when the money comes, I get hit by a sudden ( but brief! ) pang of guilt.

Many times though, I can't help but feel like it's a reciprocal thing:

1) Because they are stingy on their pay and welfare, I don't do my best.
2) Because I don't do my best, they are reluctant to pay.
3) Because they are reluctant to pay, I do even less.

and so on and so forth.

It just seems like a downward spiral to me.

God, I need more excitement. I need to move around, to solve problems, to have fun and not degenerate into one of those old office woman!

I think I should be a fireman.

What a messed up post.