Saturday, April 23, 2011

can you handle me the way i are.

Wrote the previous post half before bed this morn and half before leaving home this evening- both of which when I was trapped in the demons of my mind.

What a weekend.

I've forgotten my place. I've pitted myself against him,

I am ashamed of myself.

Just ended a badminton game w Darren n ks. Haven't done this in a long time. And it's funny whilst taking a break along the benches to think back on how we started playing from a smelly, stuffy, overcrowded badminton hall to an overpriced community centre before finally landing on this beautiful vacant hall.

And after so many yrs, we're still fucking one another in our games. Heh.

I had a very distracted game. Partly coz of how rusty i am ( my nerves feels like they are all tangled amongst one another now. Owwww. ) and partly coz I kept thinking of her. Kept trying to decipher my own mind.

It feels great to sweat and shout to the game. Like an outlet that was rational.

But I didn't feel good all throughout.

At some point, I wondered if I was being over sensitive, while at others, I contemplated the thought of sucking it up like a man. But at hard shots, I had flashes on how things were hidden from me.. And I think.. I would never be gracious or man enough to change that aspect of me.

Even if there are times where I feel like I can live with that, i know it'll only be temporary. It is innate in me to take it as an insult when kept in the dark.. be it for my own good or not. And the more I discover, the more skeptical i'd be and this will translate into distrust. I will always feel disrespected with each stone unturned. And even if she's genuine to me, I can never be like Alvin - accepting to only be her weekday fuck. I really don't know how I would be able to stay sane knowing that they are sleeping together. Perhaps it is this greatest difference in our belief system that will always hinder our progress.

Do you remember the days where we made each other feel good even when we're not in sight or in company? I miss that. I miss that strength. I miss that even when I was a loser, I felt like a winner. And that I could laugh like a king because I had the support of my queen.

I miss the queen maybe.

This is what it's supposed to be about isn't it? To make one another feel good or feel hopeful for ourselves both as individuals and as one.

But I know I have to accept that she's never going to be ready to handle this.

I just wish I could face it so calmly and bravely all the time.

And that i don't have to act nonchalant anymore.

But if this is the only way out.......
sigh.

Dear god,
i don't feel you anymore.

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