A tinge of tranquility combined with an explosion of lethargy.
There is hope when amongst a blanket of dust, you see clear skies for a split second.
It is then that you sense the calmness of forgoing everything and the possibility of stepping out of the doomed land.
And you wish with all your might that you'll never forget that glimmer of hope.. that call and will to make the one last dash for survival.
When the time comes, you'd wish for the same amount of zen.

3 days proved futile in terms of clearing ze mind.
it did clear all right. but clear as in empty, it did.
what i'm looking for, however, is clearing to recognize that some things are not worth no hoot.
i can be so much more.

and i refuse to straddle in denial like the two of them are.
i refuse to play their strategical game.

but i did learn that i hate crowds now.

Maybe I'm in xie's post-jermz frame of mind now.
Everyone is sounding so childish and irrelevant.
but because you know that it's probably your own self being less patient than before, you'd want to get away from crowds.
they are oh.so.noisy.

i don't wanna spare a thought for another when i'm off the hook at night.
i will live for me by busking in my space.



yet as soon as the confidence sets in, unhappiness hits again.

How can I allow one to hurt me so deeply and yet long so badly?

Run away i should!
For I have no more idea which direction to look.

Well here's a plan for ya. All I have to do is tire myself religiously. As long as I push myself hard enough, as long as I keep my conscious day busy, these stupid emotions, these stupid feelings will be nothing but a mere dream. When I paddle, I will paddle as if running away from it all. For as many hours as i can, i shall race with these shadows following me. At those times, i am convinced that these are not lingering shadows. These are just my imagination.

so that's that for the confusiong, for the anger, for the frustration.
but about the guilt?
i am sorry for treating your acts of concern so harshly.
i am not as blind as you deem.
if there's one promise you did keep,
it's how you said you wouldn't leave and never did.

but is this one act enough to make up for the things i know, knew, suspect?

runaway i should, runaway i should!

the world has bigger things to worry about. What am I doing swimming in my sea of questions?

really wished i could've slept in as planned this morning.