You know how lotsa people say that your life flashes before your eyes right before you die? All of a sudden, I feel like MY life is flashing right before my eyes. No, i'm not dying. It's just happening.

I could be all confused and unhappy one minute, nostalgic the next and then behaving all calmly thereafter. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm at the point where once again, I can't find the right words or form the right sentences. There is SO MUCH i would like to say.. so much that's screaming to come out but nothing is flowing. I must've written at least 5 different entries for each mood, only to delete them by the time I reach the end because I feel differently by then. Shit.

There's no peace within right now. No music that makes sense, no sound that isn't noise. And I can't seem to point out what is wrong. The world seems to be moving faster than I've ever seen and yet, it's slow at the same time. Kinda like a split world - like i'm living in a twilight zone.

What am i thinking about? Why do i feel so vexed? The world suddenly seems so big again. And i see myself as that puny little forlorn child crouched down at one corner of this gigantic universe while the world zooms by. Literally. I want the peace within. I want to find that peace.. but how am i supposed to solve a problem without first realizing what it is?

So i left today. Found a place where i could disappear for at least half an hour and i just sat there. Sat.. and sat... and sat..

and,

Still no peace.

I tried to break it all down, tried to think of many reasons why i could be feeling like that. And i realized there are just too many. It's not the big problems that are the frustrating ones.. it's the too small to rectify it but too big to ignore it kind that kills me.

I'm afraid of reverting back to the past. Afraid of being too dependent on everyone or too gutless to make decisions without overthinking it, without disecting every single corner just to BE SURE that that's the right decision. But how can i ever be sure? No one's ever sure.

As it is, I can already see it happening; I can feel it coming back. My friends know me too well..

When I first touched down, pl came to visit and help me readjust. Xie and Ks followed thereafter, trying to keep me occupied. Then pl's there again for more.. advices. Jasmine's been helping me find jobs, find ways to to cure the itch, helping me find a direction. Kl's been complaining about how I've neglected her for 2 years but still knows where i'm heading to right now, Karolina, Agata and Celia's been uber worried about me since I came back, mari's been rationalizing for me.. and the list goes on!

It's like the world's spoonfeeding me again. Even without me meeting them, they are still there for me. And what do i do? I disappear from their lives as and when I like. Yet every single time, these people come back.

I can no longer hide this guilt i'm feeling. This sense of worthlessness. It's uh.. hard to explain how this works.

I love, appreciate and need all my friends. But because of how much they've done for me, I feel like I have a responsibility for everyone, even though this 'responsibility' or 'expectation' they have on me may not exist. Sometimes i feel like i have to match up to everyone's social norms eg, to find a high paying job or to join the corporate world in order to be useful.

Maybe that's why i want to walk away. Because I owe everyone far too much. Sometimes, spending too much time in your comfort zone makes it a lil' 'uncomfortable'.

I want some alone time - without any hidden agenda or without the need to escape. I need alone times like those in ynp where i do it just to make sense of the day, to tie up some lose ends, to have a 'reflection time' at the end of the day and to appreciate everything around me. Somehow, things are not slow enough here to do that. Things are not green and big enough for me to just stare up, take in the air and smile. Most importantly, i need my alone time with dad, and god. I know i'm starting to sound all holy and stuff.. but i'm really not at all honk-if-you-love-jesus kind. ( not yet anyway. ;) ) It's just.. i could feel something when i was at ynp. But there's nothing now. Zilch.

I miss those times.


And i couldn't stop thinking of all the weirdest and most random times in YNP today. Mostly it was of all the walks past mara's place, past the pub, past the snow lodge. And the walks back from the pub by the ranger station. Somehow, these places suddenly seem so warm. But sometimes i do wonder if it's warm because of the place or because of the people. I guess putting both together makes it that much perfect.

A house is too big. But having a room for yourself, admist a communal environment with the right people, and in the wild.. that's living. You get your own space, AND you get to interact. You have to be independent, you have to be bold, you get to live life as it is.