So i've been all absorbed by the guitar again lately.
Seems like that's my other vice whenever i'm procrastinating.

But at 10pm today, (ie 8am Yellowstone time),
I couldn't play a proper tune at all.
Everything was jumbled, too fast or had no feel to it.

You see, today's the day most of them leave Yellowstone.
And apart from having my thoughts distracted by those leaving - and how everyone's going their separate ways,
I can't help but think of those staying behind as well.

Can you just imagine the anguish?

Wish there was something that can be done.

Goodbyes are just so freakin' hard. Dammit!

Also, I've started scouting for jobs. Found a couple of interesting ones.. but everytime I jot them down, the voices of my family just keeps ringing in my head. Met up with one of my malaysian uncle lately.. and he followed us in collecting my cert. When he asked what my plan was and he heard the term 'social work', he just kept quiet. And after a couple of hours when he learned that the degree is in marketing, he preached NON-STOP about how I should go into business first and only concentrate in social work when i'm near retirement.

Sometimes i wonder if it's just my perception or if it's because of their age. But the old people ALWAYS relates social work to serving the older people in the society. What about the mentally challenged or the problem kids? What about third world countries that requires our energy and youth? Don't they need us? Or is this just a part of my fantasized world?

I'm so confused.

What is my calling?

Sometimes it feels like out of no where, I've been dumped in the middle of the desert where no proper roads could be made out. I can walk either direction I deem fit and wherever I turn, a beautiful town seem to be there. But could all this be just some kind of a mirage? What if a wrong decision is made? Would it be too late to turn back? Will I be heading for something that never existed? Or did i choose the right route? Will i know WHEN to turn back?

Is this really a useless lifestyle? Should i go down the route everyone is taking or should I make my own route?

Oh boy, all these questions. Who can ever answer them?

And there this whole issue of leaving the country. Indeed, I may have to work a couple of years first. But I'm afraid of how I might forget about how strong this desire is when the time comes.

I hate changes. When I get accustomed to this life, would I want to risk it all to try a life outside this 'comfort zone' ?

See, more questions.

I see the look in everyone when I express my thought of leaving. Friends and family just keep silent. Dead silent. But i can't make out what this silence means. Is it a doubtful silence or a why-must-you-leave silence? Juan thinks I will leave eventually.

Well, truth is if I still feel this way in 6 months, I most likely will. And I am preserving this 'feeling' by distaning myself from ALOT of people. So i do owe an apology to many of my friends and some of my family members.

I am in a very very confused state of mind right now. Please bear with me.


The day the door is closed,
The echoes fill your soul.
They won't say which way to go,
Just trust your heart.

To find what you're here for,
Open another door.
But I'm not sure anymore,
It's just so hard.

Voices in my head,
Tell me they know best!
Got me on the edge -
They're pushin', pushin', they're pushin'!

I know they've got a plan,
But the ball's in my hands!
This time is man-to-man!
I'm drivin', fightin', inside of,
(A world that's upside down)
It's spinning faster!

What do I do now,
Without you?

I don't know where to go,
What's the right team?
I want my own thing,
So bad I'm gonna scream!

I can't choose, so confused -
What's it all mean?
I want my own dream,
So bad I'm gonna scream!