Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Went on a lunch date with grandma today.
She's definitely much older and weaker than I last remembered. Her steps grew slower and slower as the walk to the bus stop proceeded and her grip and my shoulder were like a mixture - hard because she needs the support; weak because she didn't have the strength to hold it for too long.

This short lunch with grandma made me feel like a complete asshole.
It made me wonder if opening my eyes meant becoming more selfish.

Throughout that short walk, I had to constantly remind and force myself to slow down to match her pace. In the past, it just happened naturally. Serving her was a natural instinct, a natural responsibility. Now, however, I have to be reminded. And that's not good.

Before i left for the states, i used to come home and stomp over to her place to greet her - no matter how much i dreaded it. but now, i can't even be bothered to smile at her. i used to spend a long time at her place after meals to talk to her, to give her her pills or to at least hear her complain a bit. but all i do now is spend 10 minutes eating the food and quickly washing the dishes before i leave.

and i put no effort in hiding how eager i am to leave.

All i do now is return to my room and keep myself occupied with rearranging and packing the place up. i'm pretty sure a large part to why i'm putting so much effort in revamping the room is because i cant be bothered to face anyone in this home.

Why can't I just be more patient with everyone? i obviously realize how lonely she is. yet, a huge part of me don want to.

Everytime i feel guilty, a voice in me would remind me of how everyone will make use of this weakness to send me on guilt trips. EVERYONE seems to know it. can't they see she's lonely? why must i be the one to bend? coz i'm a girl?

these are exactly what i hear everytime i hesistate in walking away.

sadly, i really love spending time on my own. sometimes, i really want to do more, to care more. but the thought of how instead of appreciating the effort, people either use it to benefit themselves or think i have an ulterior motive or simply doubt me makes me boiling mad and confused all over again.

grandma won't appreciate them. she will ask for more. mum will say she appreiciates them.. but that's after i storm off.. AFTER she criticizes almost everything i've done. and the sad part is most of these criticisms are on petty things like the direction of the hanger. -_-' Alex just thinks he's the boss. Alvin's the best because he does nothing but plays his playstation. but i like him because at least he does his part and he shows his appreciation.

you see, such things are reciprocal. or at least to me they are.

i know it's tough on mother as well. afterall, she's treated like a slave by both her mum and her children. and i do want to help her. but why should i? my brothers are locking themselves in their room after meal. as for me, i still have to face her every bloody night. and it's human nature that she'ld wanna make use of me to earn some freedom for herself. but i know them - this will grow to be habit to both the old ladies. on top of that, i get blamed for EVERYTHING.

can u believe my uncle is still passing snide remarks everytime i walk pass him? " why do u wanna be a social worker? "; " you wanna be a social worker right? make my son/daughter study "; " spend more time with ah ma la. social worker mah ". i don think he means it really badly..but it sucks when no one in your family supports you. when will this stigma end?

it's really stiffling here.

but at the same time,
i cannot help but realize how selfish i am.

What do you do when you want to fulfil two inversely correlated responsibilities?

I really should start counting my blessings. Imagine a kid without parents. I'm already very lucky.

goodnight world.

It'll be fine,
nothing to fear.
She will be happy as she was here.
Things have worked out much better than planned.
It makes you smile when fate takes a hand.
And I know I'll forget,
how much she meant to me.
and how she was almost my baby,
maybe.

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