Its been nearly a week since i left Yellowstone.. and still, i'm not feeling any much different from when i first left.

I miss everyone so much. Sometimes, no, most of the time, i forget that we've only known each other for about 3 months. maybe even less.

Apart from that, i also yearn the freedom that comes with being alone; being away from everyone back here. Being independent ( ok, not exactly independent but as least i feel that bit more than when i'm home. )

'Expectations' are starting to flood back. It's as if a dam was placed in between me and the society and everyone back in singapore when I was in America, Yellowstone in particular. Now that i'm back, the dam is opened and EVERYTHING, literally everything is gushing over, drowning me in the process. What makes things worse is the fact that this is not the end of it. I don't think it's even nearly at the halfway mark. I'm pretty sure everyone's just waiting for me to return back to normal, to get over this mourning period before they throw more rocks my way.


Why? Why does everyone here think i'm so useless yet expect so much outta me? Or is it because i really am useless, hence i feel like people's expectations of me are so overwhelming? I feel so condemned. And the funny part is I don't even know for what. For not taking any actions to proceed with the next phase of my life? But why can't anyone see that the only reason why i'm holding back, is because i don't wanna be just another pawn in this life?

I want to do what i want. Alright, i may not know exactly what i want now.. but could this be why i'm not certain? Because everytime i have an idea, doubt is planted in me. But can anyone ever be sure of wherever they're going? I know for a fact that i don't wanna stay here.. not now anyway. I need to spread my wings; i need to open my eyes and grow up. Can't you just respect that?

Yes, maybe i enjoyed living abroad so much because it was just a short term thing; yes, maybe i'm gonna lose all contact with them before i know it; yes, maybe if i do stay longer abroad, i would realize that i actually like singapore way better. But so what? You don't know them; you don't know the place; you don't know my dreams. nope, you don't UNDERSTAND my dreams. Besides, what matters is the 'believe'.

If i make a mistake, i will just have to learn how to pick myself up after, won't i? It won't be easy, i know. But it ain't easy now either.

You guys just wanna tie me down, to take the safer route. For some of you, it somehow feels like it's merely because u don't have a chance to do something like that, so you want me to lead that same mundane life. Why not right? It only seems fair.

I know some might be genuinely concerned but sometimes, the existence of 'hope' in itself, can bring people to places they've never dream they could be. By taking that away, by giving a reality check ( that may not exactly happen ), one will always wonder how life would be if the other route is taken.

Let me make that mistake, if it is one. There's not a life where mistakes wont be made. What matters is what happens thereafter. If you really do care, then walk with me and be there for me if it is a mistake. That's what i would do, or at least i think i would do, if i have a friend or family who's in the same dilema.

Fuck.
What am i saying?