Happy cny.

CNY this year was pretty mundane. It was like a usual family gathering only with a little more gambling.

Can you believe we only had FOUR ang baos? haha.. i know cny is not about ang baos and all but stillll, FOUR! FOUR! i knew my family in singapore was small. But FOUR! urgh. psp, no more.

Managed to use the 4 days to start and finish the entire set of moonlight resonance ( jia hao yue yuan ). Damn good. Almost everyone at home was chasing it too. It was like a mad family marathon kinda thing. haha.. but the ending was super good. Didn't feel like i wasted my time at all. In fact, i'm still you-tubing it. wahaha..

And also, i have a new pretty girl now! Linda Chung. wahaha.. i prefer to call her ding ding from forensic heroes. Quite hot. born in 1984 ( ie, only 3 years older! ) can speak english, cantonese and chinese. Live and is famous in hong kong. Not bad.
Still can't beat liv tyler's translucent skin and motherly love though, BUUT BUT BUT, who am i kidding? a hollywood star? I should be more realistic. A hk star should be about it.

heh.

I know i'm talking gibberish right now but that's the best way to illustrate my state of mind. Watching MR felt like it was a good escape to reality. I guess that's what tv shows does to you. It transports you into a new realm of life. I always thought what happens in tv shows will eventually take place in real life. And the truth is, the more i believed, the more it really happened. Even if it took 10-20 years, it happens. But somehow, even with things turning out exactly like tv shows and all, i still get dawned to the fact that tv shows will never be reality. Maybe because factual, uncontrollable complications always comes along the way, maybe because we tend to want a control over things, but whatever the case, tv shows will never be reality.

I'm having a real hard time dealing with expectations. With the expectations people have on me, with the expectations i THINK people have on me and with expectations people DON'T have on me and with the expectations i have on myself.

I forsake my friends for studies. I forsake my girlfriend for family. My family forsake me for themselves and my grades forsake me for smarter people. And so it becomes like this, I owe alot to my friends. I owe alot to poink. But no one owes me anything. WHY? Because i am expected to do this. The family may or may not expect me to put them first. But they very well do take it for granted. But, i expect myself to repay my mother, who wants to shower her boys with love because they have no fatherly love.

But she doesn't realize that since young, they had their motherly love. i didn't. all i had from her were slaps and " don get too close to that uncle/cousin/boy because he's a boy and you're a girl. " Yes, i had fatherly love. But that fatherly love left me while they STILL have their motherly love. Can't she/they see that the equation doesn't tally?

They have their brotherly love and uncle and auntie love. I don't have my sisterly love. Worst yet, when i was a kid, aged some 6-8 years old, my auntie saw me as the neice who wanted to seduce her husband. joke.

And there's my expectations of school. Expectations of the salary i should bring in. The distrust in me.

I wish so much that i can be an ostrich. But i can't. Because be at home or in projects, something is expected outta me. But no one knows what is expected. They just know they expect something. I just know i expect something too.

Expectations. Such a scary thing.

Goodnight.

5 days to cny.

7 days to unescapable reality.

It feels weird that when i don't do my work, i feel like i've let myself down but when i do my work, i feel like i've let everyonelse down.

My conscience bites me no matter if i'm in the right or in the wrong. That's like punishment in every way.

So,
what is there to do?

It's sunday night.
I stayed home once more.. thought i could accompany my mum tml. But i just remember about a possible fyp mtg.

We need that meeting. But i want to accompany mother. and i want accompany poink.

Even though i'm home now, i'm not helping mother with her housework.
Firstly, i don think she wants my help.
secondly, i need to catch up with some work.

So, what's the point of staying home?

But i feel bad leaving point alone in hall.
It's the 2nd week i've done that.
I'm such an ass.

such a helpless feeling.

Sometimes, i'm thankful for fender.
At least she'll make mother feel less lonely.

I'm not making any sense, am i?

Bye.

Matsuri.

Close your eyes.
Imagine you're at VCH and your school's Symphonic Band and Chinese Ochestra combining to play this.

Beautiful.

Since the Aussies left, I've been behaving weird.

Life seems surreal all of a sudden. There wasn't any motivation, any direction.

I miss wei wei.
Throughout her stay here, we've bonded.
And i've grown attached to her. So much to the extent of slight dependence.

We brewed tea together, every night.
We drank beer together.
We watched lame shows together.
We watched blues clues together.
We watched old disney movies together.
Pocahontas, Enchanted..

Except for poink, no one in the family would ever watch those shows with me.
Not even Janelle.
She watches gory movies these days!

When I felt distrusted or was seen as a worthless GIRL by the family,
I turned to wei.
And she seemed to understand it well.

It's like for once, i wasn't alone in the family.
SomeONE finally spoke to me.
I wasn't just another shadow in their puny world.
I was wei wei's cousin.
And while we laughed at the stupidity of some of the boys,
I've learnt that that's the only thing i can do with the stupid hierachy.
I could never win.
I can only laugh ( or whine ) it off.
I had someone to laugh with.

But wei had to leave.
Mum had to re-adjust to zzzing alone.
I had to re-adjust to let mum be alone.

The same past didn't seem the same anymore.
It became darker, lonelier.

Our family seemed to have both bonded and separated during this hosting period.
We hated each other more.
We quarrelled more.
We had those undercurrent thing even more.
But,
we also learnt how to accept each other more.
Learnt when to keep our comments to ourselves.
Learnt how to accept the other person as they are a little more.

And right after her departure,
it was bad news one after another.
subjects, timetable, and many others that i'm not at liberty to say.

So I shrunk.
Deep down below.
And i hate that feeling.

I became this panic freak.
I became paranoid, unsure, crazy!
I became this whole other person i've been trying to keep under wraps.
Maybe or maybe not on the outside.
But in the inside, i felt miserable.

I want to change.

I have to take control of my life once more.
I have to find back that confidence i've lost for years.
I've got to get back that faith.

Well it's about time i started doing something, isn't it?

Bad 2009?
But is 'bad' just a perception.
I must remember that things happens for a reason.
That I have the power to control my life, if i allow myself.

I need to make that change.
I've gotta be a better person.

But it's not going to be that easy.

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

-Matthew 6:25 and 26

i wish you could one day see how much i need my fatherly figure as well.

is it worth having a 5 day week for an easy paper?

Or should i make me have at least a 4 day week with an essay paper? Considering that i have enough s/u options to s/u all my electives?

Someone please advise me.

NEED.AN.ESCAPE.

It's not the holidays anymore.
MISERABLE, SPLIT LOYALTY, LEAVE ME ALONE!

if this continues, i really can't go on.

I want these feelings to evaporate!

GO!

Everyday you'd feel a little bit smaller.

Have you ever felt thorn between your mother and your girlfriend?

It sucks leaving for hall, feeling like i'm abandoning mother and leaving for home, feeling like i'm abandoning poink.

Should auld aquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind.
Should auld aquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear.
For auld lang syne.

We'll take a glass of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Happy new year. :)

Its been a long time since i felt like my heart's at one place while my body's at another.

I really wanted to go to that islamic home. :(

'Pocahontas' Finale

Que, Que, not to rush,
you will understand.

Listen with your heart,
you will understand.

With the new year comes new resolutions.

While I've never really been much of a come-up-with-new-year-resolutions kinda person ( i think ), as i start approaching adult-hood ( ahem. ) and working life,

I wish for a few things.

And amongst these,
I wish, the most, that i will have the guts to do what i want to do, say what i want to say, and step out of being another pawn in this dog-eat-dog world.


sigh.
I feel like i've wasted my hols. :(

off for a really dreaded week in melacca.

Bye folks.

Do you remember how our teachers in the secondary or primary school always say how we gotta take responsible actions to show your parents how much they can trust you?

It apparantly doesn't work in this family.

Because i have been doing just anything for HER to put that little bit of trust and faith in me.

But she's JUST TOO BIASED AND I CANNOT FUCKING STAND IT.

And it turns out that alvin too quarrelled with her and as such, she was so occupied in attempting to appease him that he didn't even notice how pissed she made me.

i'm going crazy here.

Thank you for understanding how trying this period is.

i swear there's workplace politics AT.MY.HOME.

urgh!

I really like the cold december air..

Why U So Like Dat?

Yes.
Why you so like that?

No meh?

Disclaimer: Dunst didn't have too many beautiful, decent, non- Mary-Jane pictures soooo, cropping had to be done.


God, they even wear the same clothes!



( Told you Dunst wasn't very pretty in erm.. less-suggestive clothes. )

Hallelujah

Hate China.

Bought OC season 1-4 but only 1 and 2 were good. 3 was jumbled. Johnny was alive one moment, dead in the next chapter and alive again in the following one.

Although, i may be lucky coz reviews have it that 3 and 4 were bad. Buttt.. it just seem like a must to finish watching the entire series no matter how bad it is. Now, i can't even watch how Merissa dies. :( Thank god for youtube.

Anyway, even though i prefer Rachel Bilson, i think Mischa Barton's quite hot sometimes. ALTHOUGH, she reminds me of Kirsten Dunst somehow.

So..

i tried to speak to mother again.
Tried to tell myself time and again that i was being too petty.

1st day - ok.
2nd day - ok.
3rd day - back to square one.

I realized today that i am still very much unhappy at her differential treatment and i don't think it's something that can be easily forgotten this time. Poink says it's because everything that was thrown to the back of my mind previously are now bursting with rage and i kinda agree.

Really don't know how i'm going to enjoy the Malacca trip.

need.rest.

When i read that drinking is bad, i gave up reading.

i've always loved the pre-christmas atmosphere.
Waking up to cold air, loud ps2 noises blaring downstairs and all the christmas songs on the radio.

But i loved them more last time, when i didn't have to burden myself with fyp and home wasn't so disgusting to be in.

sidenote: i still cannot bring myself to converse with mother. Ever since that incident, i find this home utterly disgusting.

You've seriously crossed the line this time, mother.

I don't think i can ever forget how ridiculous you were.

This is a fucking bad home and you know it yourself.

Hate my family culture.
Hate how it's affecting my life.

HATE HATE HATE!

Talk is cheap.

Lately, i've been having this weird feeling.

It's like...a bad feeling - a bad omen of sorts. Either that or my body's complaining that there's not enough rest. And if you think about it, it's sorta true..

Things have been like that since year 2 sem 2:

1) Studies
2) Exams
3) Holidays: PA + OCIP preparation ( no doubt one of the most tiring time. Can you believe stupid BOLE is still bugging me up till now? It's like.. one day i receive a msg from the boss, " i need 5 ppl next week. can find for me? " then i receive another sms from stupid ah pui, " i need a bazar store location. you can find one for me? " And when i ignore that sms, she texts me on msn asking me to do OTHER things. omg. I'm no longer your employee YA. )
4) OCIP trip
5) FOC
6) Start of new term
7) Exams


and now, FYP.

I need a break. Need a get away.

Sometimes i wish to find my way back to Pulau Aur. Away from people, from situations and from handphones. I will spend the entire day diving, resting by the seaside, sipping my hot hot teh-o, playing my sudoku before jumping back into the clear waters again.

Most importantly, there's no reception there. So i'm sparred from any obligations.

Of course, poink has the exception of being there with me. That's all i need.

Goodnight.

Here's my daily routine:

5pm : rise and shine.
5pm - 7pm : OC
7pm - 10pm : Dinner + channel 8 dramas (i'm a fan.)
10pm - 8 or 9am: OC
9am - 5pm : zzz

No sun, no fresh air.

so you see, I gotta finish up with OC before some adverse effects hits me.

And for the record,
I don't like Ryan (Benjamin Mckenzie) and Seth (Adam Brody).
Seth is ok at times. But ryan, no.

Summer's cool though.

I have one crazy, emotional family.

But i'm not going to wash our dirty linen in public.
So i'm just gonna end it with this:

I have one crazy, over-emotional family whom i still (maybe) love but can NEVER understand.

have you tried carlsberg?

Carlsberg's good.
Carlsberg's nice.
Carlsberg's smooooooth.

Simply wonderful.

It's 750am.

And i still don't wanna zzz..
Just because i cant stop watching OC.

Damn good.
Makes me wonder why I had to take so long to start watching it.

Too long.

i'm losing touch with reality.

I'm worrying about next sem's exams. :0

Nearer, my god, to thee;
nearer to thee.



To celebrate the end of my exams,
I decided to watch titanic ( much thanks to jon for sending me the movie alongside many many nice ones ).

Chessy as it may sound, it's really really good.

It's scary to think of what might happen if we were on that ship instead.
Not everyone could be so fortunate as to die whilst in the arms of your other half.
Look at the thousands who got separated when they were struggling for their lives.

What could possibly be in their minds?

Where's my mama?
Where's my family?
Are they alive?
or..

am i going to die?
How am i going to die?
Will i drown?
Freeze?
or hit my head on something?

Death.. is it a scary thing or not?

Sigh..

Its been a long time since i last stepped into church.
Mother's always saying how much we need a religion so there's like a belief system in times of need.
I agree with that.
But agreeing is one thing, doing is another.

Being a faithful servant requires alot of time and committment and while many people will disagree with me, I just can't seem the drive and motivation to put it as my priority.

Yes, it could be because of past encounters.
Yes, it could be because the religion had made me lose faith in it.
But.. it's still me.
Casting all reasons aside, I am still the main reason why i'm not there.

Laziness?
Maybe.

i guess i'm just not ready to put my religion as my top priority.
That doesn't mean i don't believe in god. I do, i guess. It's just a matter of prioritization.

Guess i should find the courage to step in there one more time.

Its high time i paid father a visit anyway.

Goodnight.

yet in my dreams I'd be ,
nearer, my God, to thee.
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer to thee.

-clears throat-

yay, the exams have ended.
















scratch that..

THEY'VE FINALLY FINALLY ENDED!

BRING OUT THE BOOZE... NOW!

the LAST push.

LASTTTTTTT!

dammit.

see what overconfidence does to you?

Now or never.

16, 16. 16 mins left..

Finally know how it feels like to go for exams without zzz or bath.

Stinky, sleepy, lousy.

if only i could sms god..

311 is like..

The world is round. But i see it as flat.
And i'm taught that it's round. But i still see it as flat.
Now i know that it's round. Still, i see it as flat.

2 days later, i have to tell people that it's round.
Even though i still see it as flat.

i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.

yes, yvonne. yes you can.

CAN DO SPIRIT, OOHM!

I think i need stress management. There's like this tendency to view things out of proportion wrt exams. sigh. WHY?

I guess everyone's feeling it. But everyone's handling it well..which makes me feel quite ashamed of myself.

Yea, i know the past few entries were kinda.. High? With a negative aura. And i'm quite sure that there'll be worst ones the next few days.

Really really can't wait for exams to end. I've got like a whole list of what to do, where to go etc etc.. but i realized it's looks the same every sem! which boils down to show that i only talk.

So, this time, i planned my list realistically. Seeing the nua-pok jas and i are, i decided to fill my list with majoritily movies - hk movies, ang moh movies, so many many movies. can't wait!

ok, so my whole point for coming here at 550am is to thank angela for trying to help calm me down today. thanks girl. :)

oh, and alex gave me a big big surprise yesterday. He popped out of no where at pioneer mall just to hand me a present..

which is...

A GYM BALL.

haha.. love it though. and appreciate the effort. :)

pls pray for me and all the GOOD ppl in uni, everyone..

pray...

I can't believe that i cannot finish studying and understanding and applying in time when i started studying from day 1.

This sem, i cannot blame my laziness.

Then, WHY?


WHY WHY WHY?

Let go and let god.

The prospects of my graduation seems dim.

And the stupidest of it all is that the cause of it points to... ELECTIVES.

It doesn't matter how hard you study.
If you're stupid, you're stupid.

CANNOT EVEN UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING CONCEPTS.

Falling is easy;
Climbing is hard.

Was studying at Pioneer mall's macs when i noticed this plus-size woman that wasn't exactly the best looking person in the place.

She looked sad.
and lonely.

She was seating alone at the 'sofa seat' for hours, attempting to knit something. It apparantly failed. She then sat there for the remaining hours, staring blankly into space.

What could be on her mind?

It was 1am, nearing 2 and i had been there since 1130pm. We entered at almost the same time. Yet as we were trying hard to master how genes are related to cancer, she was just.. there. Staring, knitting, thinking, eating.

I dono if it's lucky or sad for her. Lucky because she doesn't have to be stuck in this stupid rat race ( i assume ) or sad because she has nobody to walk with her. What i know is.. i don't like how it felt when i look at her.

I don't even know how to describe it. She looks like she needs help. But why won't my legs move?

I remember 2 years ago when i was set into some 'thinking mode' and i was like her, sitting at some stairway, staring into space. 2 Singaporeans walked pass. They didn't realize my presence. About an hour later, 2 angmohs walked past. One was happily talking to the other.. u know, the usual scene. The other was intently listening to him. They walked pass me too, clearly heading for a swim. But while the 'talker' wanted to just walk off, the 'listener' suddenly seemed deep in thought. After about 10 steps, he shaked his head, stopped the 'talker' and walked back to me and said, " hi there. Are you ok? Do you need to talk? "

While i felt pretty uncomfortable about the idea and declined his nice gesture, I found myself smiling ( after so many hours ) and feeling much better. See the power of just showing some kinda concern? Even if you're just a passerby.

Sometimes, when people are troubled, they need to talk about it. However, there are times when people don't want to talk about it because all they need, is some kinda concern from their fellow homosapians.

So why oh why did i not walk over to talk to that lady?


:(

On turning 21..

There's so many people i wanna thank that i think 1 post is not enough.
But i'm not really good at sharing such stuffs.. so i'm gonna (TRY TO) keep it short.

Thank you all sooooo much for all the gifts and celebrations and wonderful memories!
Thank you all sooooo much for all the calls and smses and PMs and facebook and friendster comments.
Most importantly, thank you all so much for remembering!

Yes yes, and to put it bimbo-ly, i feel loved. really.

Timbre 2 days ago was really fun! Most credit should go to the crowd who was there with me. It's a really nice feeling, seating there, making so much noise and laughing at how stupid we used to be. Really hope when we graduate, we'ld be able to meet up like that again, this time, everyone probably dressed in their formal wears( yuck ) and still bitch about ppl we don't like. Heh..

You know, over the years, i've done stupid things like disappear from every gatherings and everyone's life only to reappear out of no where and the thing which i thank my blessing for is that even with stupid antics and mistakes like that, i have friends who are still able to accept me and spend good times like this with me.

Thank you, everyone. :)

Oh..and special special credit goes to pl for calling me alllll the way frm china! 4rmb per minute is not cheap because we spoke for 27mins! and she hasn't even received her pay yet! haha..

Thank you, thank you, everyone. you all made my day. :)

sidenote: I really really really really really wanna watch HSM3. REALLY. :(

The stress this sem is like sky high.
How did time pass by so fast?
I really can't wait to graduate and take some chill off time at America.

The worst thing about studying biz ( at least that's what i know ) in uni is that projects gets piled up at the end of the sem, quizzes keeps coming in and on top of that, we still need to find time to revise for our exams since we have NO study break. How the hell do they expect us to juggle?

And to top things up, those pesty, selfish project mates of ours takes all the one-slide-can-answer questions while they dump the bloody hard ones at us just so they can sneak some time to revise.

HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO COMPLETE SO MUCH TASKS IN 3 DAYS?! Can't you guys just use ur only-for-studies brain to think?!

Uni ppl are selfish. Uni ppl are selfish. Uni ppl are SELFISH! SELFISH SELFISH! SELFISH!

BYE!

i wish i can be split into 10 people.

filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity.

sigh..

uni's tough.

and i'm tired. :(

Farewell assembly-math department.

Everyone's talking about this.

HAHAHAHA!

LOOK AT MR KWAN!

HAHAHAHA!

good watch, great watch, must watch!

Do i not always open my mouth to state what i want? Or do people just conveniently overlook it?

I don't understand why we can't have meetings on your free days while we have meetings on all of our free days.

Sigh.

I hate this feeling.

On a better note, we're going to america! It's the first time i am confirmed a trip 6 months in advanced! sooo excited. :)

It's back to one of those days where i hate staying home just because my mama's too goddamn biased.

I hate to think of how life after graduation would be knowing that i'ld have to see all of them ALL THE TIME. It's ok to see them individually, but when they are together, that's when I feel like having my own house, a whole new family and SISTERS.

I hate this place. BECAUSE ALL YOU SEE IS THEM. EVERYTHING'S THEIR CREDIT. NOTHING'S THEIR FAULT.

IF YOU ONLY HAVE EYES FOR THEM, THEN PLEASE GIVE THEM THE RESPONSIBILITY THEY NEED TO UNDERTAKE. PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME ALL THEIR SHIT WHILE YOU GIVE THEM ALL THE CREDIT.

I'M SICK OF BEING YOUR FUCKING SPARE TIRE.

I've got to move on and be who i am.
I just don't belong here, i hope you understand.
We might find our place in this world someday.
But at least for know,
i gotta go my own way.

When was the last time you dug up your hidden stash of letters and spend a couple of hours going through them one by one?

This weekend, i took at 10 mins glimpse at them.

Just 10 mins was enough to send me on a mental trip filled with laughters, tears and guilt.

Be it old birthday cards that were filled with sincerety or formality, old letters from your childhood panpals, little letters girls loved to write to one another or just a postcard from one of your friends when they were away on a holiday. Each and every of these holds a piece of memory.

Rummaging through them, i found an old, slightly brown postcard sent by yisi when she went for a holiday in australia during our sec sch days. It was such a nice feeling! But now, i don't even know where those days went anymore. ( miss you, yisi. )

Next, i opened another envelope. This time, it contained birthday wishes from 04s307. In it were the many scribblings from the entire class. There were scribblings by pei lin, awkwardly writing a, " hope we keep in contact after the As ". I bet at she didn't mean it then..we weren't even close! yet now, we skype one another and keep spaces for her when we meet without her.

Then there's ah bert who drew a birthday cake and warned me that it contained many lipids. Can't you even let a girl enjoy a guilt-free birthday?!

The longest one came from angela, thanking me for all the advices i've gave her.

Can you imagine? Me.. giving advices?! HAHAHA!

ah, how a person change.
Yvonne today has nothing constructive coming out of her mouth. After all, marketing's all about talking your way through..even if it were all rubbish.

sigh..Don't you just wish we were back to those days?

i'ld do anything to spend 1 more day in mj/gvss.

diarrehea. :(

The sound of music.

Monica dance.

...

..

.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Still cranks me up all the time.

It's disgusting how i come up with so many ridiculous excuses for my lazy-ness the past couple of weeks.

I just can't seem to find the motivation to sit myself down at my desk, turn OFF my computer and concentrate on the book in front of me.

Can you believe it actually took me 3 days to finish writing 4 pages of notes?!

CRAZY.

You know i,
can't smiilllllleeeee without youuuuuuu. :)

HPAPY AINVERNRASY!!

GO TO HELL.

Oh no! Am i the only person that thinks that mama mia! wasn't thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat fantastic?

Summer kisses, Winter tears
That was what she gave to me
Never thought that I'd travel all alone
The trail of memories

OCIP's 08 has ended.

I dono how to describe how i feel. It's a cocktail of emotions.

On one hand, i really love this team. And if i search my conscience, i know it's clear because whatever decisions i've made, whether right or wrong, I did it for the well-being of the team. And i can say that out proud.

But i know as time passed, especially while preparing for the final visit to the home today, i felt really tired. I felt like everyone was beginning to have this expectation of me meeting their needs and i want to meet them all but i can't. And it was beginning to drain me a little.

But while i start listening to "summer kisses winter tears" - a song sang by a very friendly resident of the home today, I start realizing how much i miss the team.

The team's a good team.
They kept their promises.
They were always around.
I really can never ask for a better team. And i hope that everyone will stay as close as they are even after the end of ocip'08.

Dear teammates, thank you very much. Thank you very much for being those responsible people you are.

Ok, so today's trip to the old folks' home was quite.. a flop. haha.. The hall was so big! The folks were less responsive than those at china and most importantly, that had a damn cool karaoke set. So, most of the team ended up having a 'kbox session' there instead. But, that's what's so cool. Even though we did not meet our target of interacting purely with the folks, 1-2 of them actually started using the mix and singing impromptu duets! And that's where " summer kisses winter tears " comes in. They were damn cool.

But because i'm not a huge fan of singing in a mic, i had the opportunity to see some of the old folks eating etc. And when you really stand there and observe them, you'll start realizing how much these old folks have gone through only to end up like that. What could they be thinking when they were eating? are they feeling sad?

One woman loved to shake hands. She was one of the friendliest folk there despite not being able to talk to anyone of us. (think she lost her ability to speak.) But one of the regulars there was telling me about how her eyes sparkled if you look into them. So when i was there to shake her hand, for the 5th - 6th time after, i looked into her eyes, and realized that they really did carry a certain kind of emotion that we can never understand..

And it brought me to my grandma.

Does she know how lucky she is?
Why does she still have to make life so difficult for everyone? Could that be... her defence machanism?

sigh.

The fire of love, the fire of love
Can burn from afar
And nothing can light the dark of the night
Like a falling star

Blessed is he who is able to sleep without having to set any alarms.

Dear Mother,

I don't like it when you use every conversation we have to praise your sons.
I don't like it when i try to share with you my experiences and you bring up their names.
I don't like it when you try to bring them and the rest of this screwed family into the badminton games I have with ks, xie and sometimes you.
I don't like it when you say yes to them for everything they demand while I have to be placed on hold.
I don't like it when HE can bum around the house while you and I pick up his mess and still here you say, " he's a good boy. "
I don't like it when you tell me there's beef in kitchen and i have to eat it in the sly because grandmother will scold whereas you bring it out in the open when HE comes down to eat 5 mins later.
I don't like it when you're unappreciative of my efforts to reduce your stress and heartaches from grandmother and your sons.
I don't like it when you promise me something and break it while giving them what you promised me just because "they are guys".
I don't like it when you wanted to hang up the phone on me when i asked for the car last night while you readily said yes to HIM when he asked for the car for the SAME night.
I don't like that you treat them like kings and me their servants.
I don't like it when relatives he refused to greet just because " he said hi to them yesterday " come over and say bye to him with such glee in their eyes and never gave me a glance even though i was seating right in front of him.
I don't like it even more when they reach the door and suddenly remember that i was there and quickly turn over to say "yvonne bye"
I don't like that you're starting to behave like grandmother.

Dear Mother,

when will you ever open your eyes?


Love your one and only daughter,
Yvonne.

sidenote: fat, i dono why i always say i want to come home when this is what i always get.

Have you heard the story of the prodigal son?

My mum's a huge fan of it.

Hell, she even practices it!

Jin,

It's amazing how quickly you read my blog coz..

SJ JUST CALLED! THEY FOUND YOUR URN! WE'RE COMING JIN!

it's been 5 years yet ever so often, we find her name being brought up in our gatherings. We could be laughing at some of her silly antics, sighing over some of the possibilities, crinching at every thought of what she went through when it happened. Whatever it is, we can't stop thinking about her.

How she left was a waste and i guess even though the tears have subsided, deep in our hearts, we're still mourning. I don't think we even want to stop. We need this to remember her by and to remind ourselves that she could be there with us.

I wonder where you'll be now if you were still around.

It's really a very frustrating feeling, not knowing where to find you. We hate to entertain the thought of not being able to pay respects to you again. But there's nothing we can do except to hope that someday, your mama will open up to someone we know.

"niJ niJ naT", we miss you. We really do. We've all grown up in some ways or another.. have you grown up too?

I bet everyone's thinking about you today too..

Time-travel. =))

Sidenote: Much congrats to Mei Hui and Chee Wei for their success in running for the 15th JCRC.

Yet another one down.

Why do all the nice people get 'rewarded' with this?

Cancer is such a scary thing.

I have weird friends.

When my room was messy, they used to say,
" Wah.. Yvonne. You don't study ah? Your room so messy, how to study? "

Now that my room's been neat, they say,
" Wah.. Yvonne. You don't study ah? Table so neat. Study what? See Jasmine's table so messy, like that then got study. "

TSK!

Team OCIP'08

Watching videos as such wil inevitably bring about a sense of nostalgia.

I guess regardless of how a trip is, a team is a team. And in general, i love these people.

It's really nice to think back of the laughters we have in the room, in the van and during "working hours". Most importantly, friendships were forged through this trips and everyone in the team is notably closer than before. :)

Yes, i know i haven' been blogging for a while. Blame it on the school! or fann wong and christopher lee. You see, i've either been busy trying to catch up with school work or more often than not, i've been busy watching return of the condor heroes. And yes, the singapore version.

It's really quite good. Except that the fightings are really messy.

anyway, they're fighting again.

Bye.

This has been what i've always wanted to do.
My dream, as some would say.
This could very well be one of the few things i've done which i never gave up on half way through.
Because, this is really what i wanna do.

This has been THE thing that i've spoke to sandy, 3sa, sj, selinalim since sec school days. This is THE opportunity that sandy knows that i've been waiting so desperately for.

But as the trip looms,
I'm starting to experience something different.

Is that fear? Worry?
Why does it seem so negative?

Are we all evading the whole purpose of the trip?
That what matters most is the people we're helping benefits from our service and we ourselves pick up learning values from it?
Are regulations, corporations and ranks driving us all crazy?

Jasmine says that the top 4 have changed. That everyone's so power driven now. That everyone's thriving more for recognition.
Sigh..maybe she's right; maybe it's true.

Don't you think that puts us to shame?

When people like Esther, like MH, like Hiang En have been telling me how excited they are for the trip. When ppl like jon changed their nick to msgs for ocipans. When ppl like mf sends me e-cards to edge me on.

I can feel and i'm touched and glad for their sincerety. But on the other hand, are WE sincere? Is authority diluting this most basic value in us? If that's the case, i don't want this power.

I just want to be sincere.

...

...

sigh.

有口难言。




What will mr tim tan do if he was here right now?
He'd make a plan and he'd follow through.
that's what mr tim tan'd do!

It has finally come down to the last 2 days of this internship stint. And i have to say... i kinda..really... hate it here.

haha..i guess this will be the first time i'm actually not going to miss a place i'm leaving. Worry not, i'll still bid my farewells to my desk, the toilet, this laptop.. but on the whole, i'm more than excited to leave Bole.

Now that my work's ending, i really am clueless why the company still wants me to come back to work EVERYDAY when i practically have nothing to do from 845am to 6pm. I'm like online the entire day, checking liv tyler out. It's best when no one's in the office because i can use the opportunity to watch some movies online. ( by defn, some movies actually means watching the hulk 6-7 times. haha.. )

So, the trip's in a couple of days and the top few of us already had some problems here and there. I wouldn't say it's exactly bad coz at least, we can ( i hope ) get some things sorted out before we head off for a foreign land. I really hope the trip's gonna be a fruitful one to the team as well as myself. I guess the whole preparation stage for the trip really set me thinking about older days.. days in uniform.

well, more about that next time. I'm too lazy to talk right now.

bye.

It really makes no sense.

You guys really make no sense.

Sometimes, i wish i could just...


poof.

HAPPY 31st BIRTHDAY LIV!
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY FAT!

Thank god for the 12 hour time lag between New York and Singapore.. now i'm able to accompany one in Singapore first before flying over to New York to satisfy the other.

HAHAHA..

Rnj!! =))

Liv Tyler singing in Sweeny Todd ( Jersey Girl )

HAHAHAHA..

Liv sure made Toby sexy.

Liv Tyler with Nintendo DS Promo

Livvvvvvv Tyyylllleerrrrrrrrrrr.

ah... so hot!

-faints-

Perhaps I need my own sanctuary.
Perhaps I need to be in solitude for a day or so.

Then maybe, things will flow like water and you all will understand better.

Perhaps.

The grass is forever greener on the other side.

Sometimes i wish that people had more faith in me,
Sometimes i wish that everyone stop expecting so much from me.

Today, i yearn for the second.

I can only do so much. I'm really not that capable at all.

Sigh.

goodnight.

:)))))))))



Every other time.

China Sichuan Earthquake * 因为爱

No matter how much tears we shed or how our hearts go out to them, we can never truly understand how the survivals must feel. especially the mothers.

Even if we're out there at ground zero, only grieve will overcome us. what we cannot experience, however, is the pain these parents must be feeling.

Although i'm no ardent advocate, pray. whatever ur religion is, pray for the victims, pray for the survivals, pray for china. They are humans too and who are we to live happily here while there are still people out there, recovering from the shock and coping with their greieves.

There are talks that YMCA may be planning for a year end volunteer trip to Sichuan to help rebuild the lives of the survivals. To those who can go, please go. To those who can't, do something you can..

Donating money may bet too taxing for some who don't have spare cash themselves. why not do this..

instead of buying ur regularheavy breakfast, grab a 'happy panda' bread from breadtalk and have it for breakfast every morning. it costs $2 and 100% of the proceeds goes to help sichuan victims.

They really don't deserve this. Do your best to help them ease their worries.

When the children cry
Let them know we tried
´cause when the children sings
The new world begins

Heading for a burn-out.

I am an irresponsible leader.
I have failed to watch out and feel for my team.

dear bole,

i really can't cope. and i really hate you.

Love,
Yvonne.

since my return from redang, i've been burdened by really terrible headaches which makes my brain feels stiff and body weak. Worst yet, i feel like i've been possessed daily - with my eyes often not fixed on anything or mind not concentrating on anything. Sadly, and with much much regrets, i haven't been putting my best efforts in ocip and i hope with all my heart that the team understands that i just cannot find the willpower, for now, to focus because my headaches are really wearing me out. And to make matters worst, things haven't been going very well between mother and i ever since i returned home after exams.

It really gets quite depressing at times and i wish jas could be around all the time to render me support, especially when i'm at home. My heacaches are just so pain these days that i can't even properly spend time with her without letting my buring eyes and head take my concentration away from her.

It got so bad this morning that jas decided to bring me to the clinic where i learned ( and surprised to find out ) that i was still having fever after so many days. Turned out i had a viral infection from the dive trip. The doctor kinda insisted on having an mc for tomorrow. HOW I WISH I REALLY COULD USE IT TO SLACK FOR ONE MORE DAY..

But...

Unfortunately..

tomorrow's the first bloody day of intern so i can't take mc.

!@#$@#%#$@~!@

I really hate coming home now. It's like I have to force myself to be rude to my mother and to not care about my mother just so i can convince myself that i'm fine with her favourtism. And this whole fucking issue is going way overboard. It was bad enough that her attitude took a 180 degree turn ever since i came home from exams. But the ridiculous-ness of her behavior 2 days ago really turned me off and i guess the partially surpressed anger within me just escalated beyond my control. Anyhow, i guess my anger doesn't really bother her now since she has such filial sons.
Sigh,
i really wish dad could be around. I don't know if it would actually be a good thing but for now, i would really like to think of the different instances where he could have helped me while she goes ahead and love her boys. Don't misunderstand me now, I have no ill feelings towards them. I guess our r/s have improved since we were young but there are so many things which my mother are blinded from and i really wish she could open her eyes and see.

Things are only becoming so well now because of the reimbursements etc etc etc you've been receiving and flaunting. I love you mother but REALLY, you should open your eyes if not your heart.

After 52's bbq yest, jas and i stayed over at sylvia's house. It was really beautiful what with her pool table and all and i had a few good hours to see her family this morning. And the difference in their family structure struck me. It's easy to differentiate. Her family's one of love, faith and trust. Mine's more occupied with anger and being in power. I guess the greatest difference was that with a balanced family structure, they had no conflicting hieriechy between the males and the females. My family, on the end (including the extended ones), are obsessed with having male dominance. In another words, males = authority here. Yet more often than not, the past 2 generations have seen these initially powerless women suddenly thrown into the position of maintaining the family. Well, I guess I can safely say that this completely and totally screwed up the entire family culture even more.

uh oh. Here comes the pain again.

So, bye.

I wish i'm rich so i won't need to see this shit.
I wish you could open your eyes so you chould SEE better.

The mother who calls me when i'm in hall and shows that tremendous amount of concern and the mother who's sleeping behind me right now is so different.