since my return from redang, i've been burdened by really terrible headaches which makes my brain feels stiff and body weak. Worst yet, i feel like i've been possessed daily - with my eyes often not fixed on anything or mind not concentrating on anything. Sadly, and with much much regrets, i haven't been putting my best efforts in ocip and i hope with all my heart that the team understands that i just cannot find the willpower, for now, to focus because my headaches are really wearing me out. And to make matters worst, things haven't been going very well between mother and i ever since i returned home after exams.

It really gets quite depressing at times and i wish jas could be around all the time to render me support, especially when i'm at home. My heacaches are just so pain these days that i can't even properly spend time with her without letting my buring eyes and head take my concentration away from her.

It got so bad this morning that jas decided to bring me to the clinic where i learned ( and surprised to find out ) that i was still having fever after so many days. Turned out i had a viral infection from the dive trip. The doctor kinda insisted on having an mc for tomorrow. HOW I WISH I REALLY COULD USE IT TO SLACK FOR ONE MORE DAY..

But...

Unfortunately..

tomorrow's the first bloody day of intern so i can't take mc.

!@#$@#%#$@~!@

I really hate coming home now. It's like I have to force myself to be rude to my mother and to not care about my mother just so i can convince myself that i'm fine with her favourtism. And this whole fucking issue is going way overboard. It was bad enough that her attitude took a 180 degree turn ever since i came home from exams. But the ridiculous-ness of her behavior 2 days ago really turned me off and i guess the partially surpressed anger within me just escalated beyond my control. Anyhow, i guess my anger doesn't really bother her now since she has such filial sons.
Sigh,
i really wish dad could be around. I don't know if it would actually be a good thing but for now, i would really like to think of the different instances where he could have helped me while she goes ahead and love her boys. Don't misunderstand me now, I have no ill feelings towards them. I guess our r/s have improved since we were young but there are so many things which my mother are blinded from and i really wish she could open her eyes and see.

Things are only becoming so well now because of the reimbursements etc etc etc you've been receiving and flaunting. I love you mother but REALLY, you should open your eyes if not your heart.

After 52's bbq yest, jas and i stayed over at sylvia's house. It was really beautiful what with her pool table and all and i had a few good hours to see her family this morning. And the difference in their family structure struck me. It's easy to differentiate. Her family's one of love, faith and trust. Mine's more occupied with anger and being in power. I guess the greatest difference was that with a balanced family structure, they had no conflicting hieriechy between the males and the females. My family, on the end (including the extended ones), are obsessed with having male dominance. In another words, males = authority here. Yet more often than not, the past 2 generations have seen these initially powerless women suddenly thrown into the position of maintaining the family. Well, I guess I can safely say that this completely and totally screwed up the entire family culture even more.

uh oh. Here comes the pain again.

So, bye.