I've been living by a new philosophy of late.

That without the want, there won't be any disappointment.. nor anger.

But I'm not sure now if it's doing me more harm or good.

You see to stick fervently to this believe, since the KL trip, I've been living without any expectations or desire for fairness or to fight for anything. If someone irritating comes into the gym and screws with the machine, so be it. If I've spent the last hour waiting for my turn on the treadmill but someone who came in 5 minutes ago just takes over without checking who's behind, so be it. If mother does her various favourtism bid again, so be it. No job? So be it.

So be it.

Everytime I get a sick sense of feeling from inside, I just block it out and keep walking. Keep playing with my camera, or reading those books, or watching my shows. Whatever it is, I just stop entertaining these 'voices'.

And its been working well. I get frustrated less and time seems to pass faster. Except for the gym or for a swim, I hardly go out. Once in a while, I hang out with the usual people but we seldom spend big bucks so it really looks like this is the best way out. I get to save money, and I get to avoid all kinds of emotions that comes with people's criticisms or with disappointments. Better still, mother recently got mioTV and we have a one month free movie subscription for alllll channels.. even the Video on Demand ones and I'm almost the only one who's home in the day time so guess who gets to benefit most from this?

Fender and moi!

But a lifestyle like this can only last for so long. It's like I'm only awake when I'm running or swimming. Everythingelse is on autopilot. And at gym today, I caved and couldn't help but wonder.. is this healthy at all?

I'm soooo behind in my emails to Mara and Rita and Matej and Becky. And I've been using the same excuses over and over... that I've been down with a really bad flu. Which is true except that I'm recovering and I've long past the days where I couldn't "stay up late to write emails ". I just... I don't know. Suddenly I have no idea how to face them. To tell them that I'm still jobless, or that I still want to leave the country, or that mum's still been driving me crazy. ( note the word 'still' in all these old news. ) Or do I tell them how the Montessori job thing has deflated my confidence that much more again and I am utterly sick of sending resumes because Singapore obviously doesn't want me. Or that I'm sick of putting on that mask when I meet family members. Or how I have to hide how much I miss being released from these invisible chains.

All these childish issues. They shouldn't even be brought up anymore. It bores the crap outta ppl but these small things to others are somehow huge weights within me.

Finding a job in Singapore doesn't seem like the right thing to do. Not at all. Even when Montessori was giving me those false hopes, I was excited and happy and all.. but now it seems like the enthusiasm was more for the day I would be able to earn enough to get myself an apartment or a car and a day-time maid for the house so I can show the family how successful I've become despite their murmurs.

I do like and want the job. Especially with its learning opportunity and all but on the hind side, I guess greed was also slowly creeping its way into my brain as I started yearning to be recognized by status.

I once told Agata to always remember that everything happens for a reason. Perhaps it's time I took up my own advice.

I've forgotten how it felt like to think that money is of secondary importance. Or to want to.. try out social work. So maybe this whole Montessori saga happened to help me remember? Ever since that last email exchange with Ah Bert's friend, I've been casting the whole idea aside. Her friend was right - I didn't have the qualifications to be a social worker and they won't want me. So how do you move on when your dream was suddenly strike off the list?

Whichever the case, I'm starting to feel like I'm losing whatever spirit I have by seeking employment locally. Like it's just a routine.. an expectation. Not something I can really feel for. But then again, where can Asians go?

Maybe it's time to sort things out.

That said, I gotta give credit to a whole bunch of friends who have been trying to help me in their own little ways. Especially Jasmine, Xie, PL, Ah Bert, Emily and Mari. ALLLLLL of whom have helped in the ways they know.