Jesus help me, and never forsake me. amen.

Lord, in every need let me come to You with humble trust saying, "Jesus, help me."
In all my doubts, perplexities, and temptations, Jesus, help me.
In hours of loneliness, weariness, and trials, Jesus, help me.
In the failure of my plans and hopes; in disappointments, troubles, and sorrows, Jesus, help me.
When others fail me and Your grace alone can assist me, help me.
When I throw myself on Your tender love as a father and savior, Jesus, help me.
When my heart is cast down by failure at seeing no good come from my efforts, Jesus, help me.
When I feel impatient and my cross irritates me, Jesus, help me.
When I am ill and my head and hands cannot work and I am lonely, Jesus, help me.
Always, always, in spite of weakness, falls, and shortcomings of every kind, Jesus, help me and never forsake me.

amen.

now, hit the ball

Grey's Anatomy - Callie and Arizona and Bailey "Joy" 5x23

fighting insecurities, doubts, fears.



i wonder if that's what's holding me back. Not that i have it, but issit holding me back from breaking through my comfort zone. I want to stop thinking... start performing. Stop worrying.



Where's the confidence yo?

push push push! if it's coming out wrong, it gotta change

i have slowly started to practice again, hoping that my hardwork pays off and I'm focusing on the right thing.

It is really a weird sensation, this learning process. When I am doing the exercises without the fear of judgements from my instructors, I am actually glad. To have something to focus on.

But I am so afraid that time will pass by and I am still too slow for the class. The girls are starting to ask me one by one... if i've noticed that ck is extremely fierce to me.

Of course I have. I'm the one getting it. I wonder sometimes if it's because of my short hair. OR issit just me.

When I was climbing yesterday ( the only thing in life now that is finally picking up after so many months ) we met this guy Teddie who is supposedly very good and was giving tips on climbing. everyone was hovering around him trying to pick up skills. So of course i joined in the fun. Except, I don't know if it's me or what... i can sense him moving backwards not daring to give me too many tips for fear of bruising my ego. And I can sense that it wasn't really him. It was me. I can't talk to him like the rest do and i didn't dare to ask him how to do a certain route. I asked him.... through Ching.

Is this the same for ck? How about mdm?

Does mdm take my questions as a joke but actually form opinions about them?
and ck?
i know he is trying very hard to be patient with me... the thing is, it's him to not be patient with me and i can't expect him to be. But why is it like that? I'm starting to think it's me.

Have I been too proud to learn? Or too shy to ask? Or do i just not carry my words across as most people do? What is the real problem with me?

I can't help but draw comparisons between Rachel and myself. I was impatient with Rachel when i was taking her. Just like ck , i know i consciously tried to be patient with her but deep inside something was pulling on the impatience line. I prayed all the time for some patience and i wondered whenever possible why i was behaving that way. That teaching her wasn't coming out naturally from me as i would have been with others.

Sometimes i asked the girls about it and once, someone told me it may be because of the way she carried herself. the swagger she had in her walk.


Am i giving off that aura too? how do i get rid of it?

how deep must this pit be to be so dark in here.

when you try your best and you don't succeed,


you truly dont feel like you should have could have would have done more.

but you get angry at yourself for being so stupid.
and self doubts of success almost completely floods your mind.

i tried my best.

still struggling.

struggling to cope with learning new skills. struggling with the understanding and pride.

struggling with ghosts of the betrayal. struggling with the understanding and the pride.

bad session.

doubts.

frustration.

embarrassment.

anger. 

sad. 

The Point of No Return (Reprise)

congratulations

P!nk - Just Give Me A Reason ft. Nate Ruess

a long long time ago.. i used to tell people that i feel that i had scraped through life. I scraped through school and for most major exams had decent enough grades. I scraped through uni, got myself a degree with almost an empty mind. I scraped through everything with the blessings of god...  and started to wonder if it was a blessing at all in the long run.

so when i took up this job, i wanted to scrape no more. I started studying hard while everyone copied. I tried to analyze traffic from angles to digest it. i tried my best in doing this myself.

rather unfortunately, back at cm, i was embarrassed about my job but i didn't feel as embarrassed about myself.

here, i am proud of my job. 

but the self esteem has been reduced to a liquid pile of dirt.

mother used to say because i wasn't as intelligent, i have to work doubly hard to catch up with others.
this string of advise isn't working.

what do you do when your best isn't good enough to the people who matters?

what else can i do about being stupid.

the damage is so real when the pain is inflicted by your own girlfriend.

.

no matter how hard i try, i can never belong.

so sing along to  my stereo!

   OJT!!