I've always thought that hitting the limit might be a kind of a liberation.

If you think about it theoretically, it should be as simple as tipping over the edge.. no?

No.

Looks like it actually means letting things haunt you all day, everyday.

I forgot to consider that climb to the peak. Or that one drip or one nudge to knock you overboard.

That blow may be huge as well.

Maybe this time it really is one time too often.

I'm starting to think that I can't give her the happiness she desires. Or evoke the type of laughter I thought I could.

She needs someone with a big enough heart.
-- I don't have that.

It's really tough this time.
I haven't had this much problem getting rid of the impressions and the image before.
Whether she like to call it that way or not, that was a choice.

And I.. need to be a little bit more selfish.

I'm not my strongest right now.
There's her, there's work, there's friendship... A lil too much in one seating.
I'm having a hard time dealing with my own ego.
And instead of blogging about how her decisions are affecting me, I would very much prefer to talk about how a perfectly bad day was changed to an imperfectly good one.

Once in a while it's nice to seek solace in a safety net.
One that doesn't forsake me when the opportunity arises..
And one that I can provide a safety net for at other times as well.

But lately, I can't make her laugh or smile or be happy.
And at that moment, it's mainly my fault for being unable to step outta the cells in my mind.


Beginning to wonder if I'm expecting too much outta her.
Or if by trying to make her improve, I'm making her change when she don't want to.

As much as I am upset at what happened,
I have to also remind myself that I may not be the one who can bring her the same kind of satisfaction.

sigh.
So much doubts.
If I were his friend, I would tell him that it's the best time for him to swoop in and rescue her like the hero he is.

很辛苦
好想安安心心睡场觉
或
不羞地大哭一场

I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I
I

Fuck the 'I's!

If there's commanding respect amongst friends, at r/s and at work,
then the problem must be me.

When Tay was pushing blames again this evening, I had the highest tendency yet to throw the letter. As of when I ended lessons last night.

I hate engaging in showdowns in the office. Especially when everyone is around.

But.you.really.suck.

While I was sitting at the usual spot last night, I had the sudden urge to curl up into a ball and sleep there and then. Even if I couldn't, I would at least force my eyes shut and keep my back to something steady. Something reliable. Something that won't bite.

I don't feel safe around the people I used to feel safe with anymore. And it sucks to feel like that.

palm's front also flesh, palm's back also flesh.

The people whom I need support from don't give what I need because the support I'm asking them to give is also not supporting me. Ha. Esther's gonna chimono-fy me again if she ever sees this. Basically, it'a kinda like me against the world right now.

Oh the pressure.
and
Oh the visions.

How can they be of rival teams but yet assert the same amount of stress at the same time?





god I'm having so much trouble shaking it off this time.

One time too many.

I hope this old train breaks down
Then I could take a walk around
And, see what there is to see
And time is just a melody
All the people in the street
Walk as fast as their feet can take them
I just roll through town
And though my windows got a view
The frame I'm looking through
Seems to have no concern for now

So for now

I need this
Old train to breakdown
Oh please just
Let me please breakdown

atdinnercouldntstopseeingthemsleepingtogether.

Sia la. Like issuing a tsunami alert to myself.

but nvm. I is brave like Lion King!

In the lap of her lover.
Every weekend, I hold that glimpse of hope that she will finally do something different and take control and not disappoint me.

But week after week, it's the same. It started out with mere jealousy. But now it's more like a reality check.. A way to hold me back and remind me of my place after the emotional deceit I receive each week.

It's the intent of her rendezvous that drives me crazy and not her hanging out with him that bothers me so much now. What is her intent? To hang out of obligation? Or to have a wild ride? What do they do? How did she expect me to take it? And how was I supposed to react when I always find out they do more than what she tells me they do? Why can't she just be truthful about what she's thinking / doing / saying?

I blame myself all the time for appearing so possessive and unrelenting. For being so distrustful. I blamed myself last night. I blamed myself the night before. I blame myself for thinking I have a say in this when he is the OFFICIAL one. I tried to be nonchalant n let it not bother me. And I even considered sensibly talking to her about it.. in the hope of working something out. But all for fuck?

All for fuck.

So this was what you wanted?
Make me feel like I colour your world, show him he colours yours..
And then take turns?

It's one thing to ask me to be patient while you try to figure things out.
It's another to ask me to do that so you can have your cake and eat it.
If you cared enough for me, you wouldn't have wanted to put me through this.

Maybe he's cool with it.
Maybe you are too.

But I'm not.
I have more dignity than that.

She taught me that action speaks louder than words.

She was right.

The day she finds out how much I knew and know will be the day this will past the point of no return.

And I'm sensing my fuse stretching thin.

I was willing to let so many things pass. I was seeing a change in her. But apparantly the bottomline still exists - She still see's me a mere toy. Her spare tire.

So what am I to do? Continue playing the fool?

It's not only words that constitutes lies. To convey a false impression is equally as guilty.

If he's gonna be the one who makes you happy,
why don't you just make that fucking choice?

Coz I don't wanna always be led to thinking I can make you smile.. when I'm only your runner-up.

You, in retrospect, meant the world to me.
I wish I could promise you'd stay that way.
But you are slowlyblowing it.

And that hurts me as much as it might hurt you.

Well i'm finally finally finally out of words.

只不过想好好爱一个人
可惜她无法给你满分
多余的牺牲- 她.不.懂.心疼
你应该不会只想做个好人!

They say that a friend will support you in whatever you are doing.

If you start feeling pressured by them, does that make them any less a friend? Or does that make you the stupid one?

When xie was with a certain J, i hear she gave up the world she knew and retreated into her own cave.

But did she give up on her world, or did her world give up on her?

Why won't anyone believe the change? Can't they understand the stress they are asserting.

This was precisely why I had to hide.

Words.
Can't trust words anymore.

What did people say when things unfolded?

" we only wanted it if it made you happy. "

Or

" don't bother. Period. "

Power la.
Both sides win.

Seeking comfort in Jason Mraz.
Good music, a warm cuppa tea and secret glances at meaningful things on my desk.
What more to ask for on a cold spiritually lethargic morning right.

So vexed lately.
I find no more will to fight.

WooL carried a joke too far last night. And I think it has unwittingly evolved into an ego war.
They are probably waiting for me to appease them.
But the thing is, I see no fault in what happened yesterday.
It is not like it happened overnight - I have always maintained radio silence between those hours. And I've been encouraging them to do the same thing when they are out with their loved ones as well.
So basically, I made no change yesterday.
But they decided on their own to test me last night. To see if I would contact them - which I would eventually.
Granted, they were worried. And I appreciated that - even though i thought it slightly strange to be worried on a random night.

But to test me?

Bang.

Do they not know me?

It feels like they are doing to me what they were so strongly advocating against the past months.

Anyway, I did try to ease the tension last night. But maybe I've been doing it wrong all my life. Maybe i've apologized too often before.. and I didn't say those words last night. And maybe that's why they are reacting this way now.

Things will probably work out eventually. I just don't understand why I have to say I care . 10 yrs man. I thought we have moved beyond that.

Do I not have any say in my life at all. Why am I always trapped in all these circles of obligations? Can't I choose who and what my obligations are?

Maybe Poink was right before. I have so many people to account to and for, I won't be able to hang on.

In recent weeks, I have felt like my dignity, my respect and my pride has been compromised beyond my own acceptable level. It's not pertaining to certain instances anymore. I feel it deep within me now.

Like it or not, I think I'm starting to despise myself.

But I know better to than dwell in those thoughts.

So I guess for now, it's

Ah la la la la la la
life is wonderful.
Ah la la la la la la
life goes full circles.

Not the one my ass.

Food for thought.

Have you ever realized that in some aspects of life, we sometimes take a short cut and choose the easier way out but by doing so, we lose valuable lessons along the way? Take my driving for example. Had I not decide to take class 3A back then, biking lessons would probably be more of a breeze right now. Or I would have been able to drive Mdm Yati's car when I first passed. Or how car rentals would have been cheaper, and with more options back then. Likewise, the same principle can be applied for many other areas in life, can't it?

Haha. I've got to stop letting my thoughts go all over the place.

It was a night down memory lane today.

In what would've been a romantic night, we went down to the Singapore Flyer for a taste of the old school days. She brought me to dinner at an ah-ma's-era themed hawker complete with food vendors on push carts and a stall selling things like old cameras, old type-writers, old phones, old beer dispenser and many more.

I loved it.

The food wasn't too delicious but the ambiance and the setting kinda made up for it. It was a waste I didn't have a proper camera with me though.

Following dinner, we took a beautiful ride around the giant Ferris Wheel and walked along a fraction of the Grand Prix before resting at a nearby shed as I did my take 5s.

While I had fun walking through 'history', I knew at the same time, we were also creating history. And I'm not sure if it's a good thing or bad.

Whichever the case, tonight is definitely gonna leave a mark on my own memory lane.

Don't get me wrong, it was a great night - I liked where I was and who I was with. But at the same time, I couldn't help but notice the nagging feeling of how I shouldn't be the one who's there. Like it was wrong of me to. And that bothered me very much.

I think that little nudge during the weekend triggered something. I'm still not certain what it was but a familiar emotion is threatening to emerge. Like a de javu of sorts. It's hard to pin point what it is exactly but even without this knowledge, I'm already feeling mentally exhausted.

So not looking forward to the full blown effect.

ANYWAY, once we got into the shed, we started talking about random stuffs. Amongst which were the times when Eng was still around.. and how I sought solace in her room and in her companionship when things were going tough then.

Recalling some of those moments brought about a concoction of mixed emotions. On the one hand, to replay some of the scenes in my mind again was like ripping off the stitches to an old wound. There were instances or two where I remembered how it felt like to be as worthless as how Gaga or mother put me as. But on the other, the chat also served to remind me of how I might have changed and learned to see people and to see colleagues in a different light over the months.

Most importantly, it reminded me of how, with god's grace, I've managed to cross paths with some remarkable people along the way.

It is times like these do I ask myself if the decision to stay at CM then was my easier or not so easy way out afterall.

OKK, what I'm trying to say is not coming out right but I am shagged to the core. Till next time then.

Goodnight me folks.

re.spect
[ri-spekt]
1. to hold in esteem or honor

2. to show regard or consideration for

Straddling on and building circles of.

Yesterday was a good day except for the hiccups at work and at cdc. Yet as I strolled home, I couldn't help but realize I was feeling a weeeee bit emo. Maybe it was the rain, maybe it was the job, maybe it was the disappointment at lesson or maybe it was the impending weekends.

I don't really know.
But usually switching to a livelier music on the iPod helps. Not yesterday though. At that moment, those songs only served to bore me. I suddenly became enthusiastic on songs with a stronger beat, to lyrics on pain, to words that are so beautifully crafted, you'd think it came from a poem.

Lately I often find myself swimming in a whole new realm I've never been in before.

Once again, I browsed through the pictures of them together last night. Just to gauge how I fair on my mind-over-matter measure.

I don't know when I'd let my guard down and I don't know if I dare to - even if I wanted to.

Much as I think it's the fact that she is still in a relationship, I think alot of it has to do with me as well. It is a "it takes both hands to clap" thing.

I don't and probably won't understand how she can feel the way I feel when she's still with another. It sounds unfair to piece together a piece of the past to a piece of the present - especially when these are from 2 (or 3) different jigsaw puzzles but the pieces are too similar and that sends back to me eerie remnants of a long ago story that didn't quite end off too well.

I'm really not the possessive sort ( or at least I THINK I'm not. ) but I get uncomfortable when I know she's with him. Yet, weighing out this discomfort and having being kept in the dark, I'd choose the former anytime. Hate how it's like to discover you're being lied to. But then I'd ask myself again if choosing between both is even necessary or a should-be.

At the same time though, I know I have issues to work through on my own as well. It's starting to look like the 2 before poink had a repercussive impact on me. It's hard to describe how it feels like but it definitely puts me on tenterhooks. And all these combined with the pain of the last CNY-period saga completely brings out another more skeptical and semi-paranoid side of me I've perhaps never seen before.

Paranoid not in the YOU-STAY-BY-MY-SIDE-ALL-THE-TIME-!!!!! paranoid but the sigh-whatever-you-want-whatever-you-say-whatever-you-like type.

I think I sound rude to her in our messages. It's really not on purpose. But with the knowledge that on one other end, he is talking to her as well, I don't know how to talk nicely. I'm really not being spiteful and all - I just think it's tiring for her and I feel a leeeettle bit stupid being funny when he might be making her laugh as well. Again, hard to explain.

This is all too foreign and yet too familiar to me.

Contrary to maybe popular believe though, my life is not just about relationship as well. At least it's starting to not be..

Work sucks.
And I say it with a passion.

It is stagnant, invasive, non-progressive and non-money making.
Day in day out, old people throw work at us - well, mostly me now ever since mai mai "banged table" - just because we are younger. It is the culture here that bores! There is no motivation or drive to do something beyond or to challenge yourself because it gets you no where but into a larger pile of mess.

Things only get fun on the rare occasions Mai and I have something to complete together. It's how we can complement each other's job that creates that short burst of motivation. When we are rushing for the same deadline, we take over different parts of the job without the need to say much. That's mo qi for you and that's what the office and maybe even what the school lacks.

That was also what disappeared from this pseudo marketing department when Eng left.

MOST MOST MOST importantly, where for art thou pay?

When I don't get my pay, I get a little angsty because money is security afterall. But then again, sometimes I feel like I don't deserve my pay because the lack of motivation at work makes me day dream and blog all the time so when the money comes, I get hit by a sudden ( but brief! ) pang of guilt.

Many times though, I can't help but feel like it's a reciprocal thing:

1) Because they are stingy on their pay and welfare, I don't do my best.
2) Because I don't do my best, they are reluctant to pay.
3) Because they are reluctant to pay, I do even less.

and so on and so forth.

It just seems like a downward spiral to me.

God, I need more excitement. I need to move around, to solve problems, to have fun and not degenerate into one of those old office woman!

I think I should be a fireman.

What a messed up post.

Vroom vroom seems so far away.

The Original London Cast of THE LION KING

:(

Now with less than half my pay in, I have more reasons to kiss Lion King byebye.

So stretched, so tired, so uncomfortable.

So exhausted I wanna give in and let her hold me for a bit without the need for fear or skepticism.

But there's always the potent combination of old wounds and invisible scars that frightens a whole loada shit outta me.

To get to my desk in the office, I have to choose to enter from one of two doors:

Choose the front door and you get chased for blog updates.
Choose the rear, and you get chased for monthly and weekly reports.

And all of which hinges completely on whether Centres are cooperating.

ooh.

sidenote: Celia left today. Waterworks from them both and all. Don't feel like saying more.

Dare you trust the music of the night?

Just done with a steamboat session with Celia and wichan. Solem day today. We still had fun and it's always a joy to talk kok with em but anyone can see that deep sense of dread looming in the air.

Have I ever mentioned how much I hated goodbyes? Feels like someone's leaving Yellowstone all over again. Of course not as drastic but Celia and I bonded very much over e last few nights at yellowstone and I'm suddenly hit with that experience of bidding farewell once more.

All through my 3 mths at yellowstone, I've always only known Celia as that crazy Taiwanese living beside me who throws ice down my back when I'm not looking and cooks me noodles at night when I'm hungry.

We only truly grew closer on e last couple of nights when I was rushing kelsey's photo album. I remember how she kept making fun of my poor art sense and was all dramatic at my ugly cut outs. That night she decided to stay up with me for company and to tidy up the unsightful lose ends of the album. At the same time, we were also waiting for the sun to rise so we wouldn't fall asleep and miss Ben's departure after breakfast.

We listened to many Singapore music that night and she kept laughing at our terrible Chinese accent. As dawn neared, our eyelids started growing heavy too. The last conscious memory was of that pack of coyotes howling outside (which kinda spooked us a lil) before we both dozed off for a while. Think I was half on e bed while she was half on a chair. We jumped up tog after maybe 5 mins? And decided to squeeze onto my bed for a quick snooze. Problem was, I forgot Kelsey was supposed to wake me e next morn which she coincidentally remembered for the rare instances in her life. She burst through my door all chirpy that morn to me n Celia jumping out from under the covers. Haha. Must've been a funny sight.

That one night made goodbye a million times harder.

When I was at Bozeman with matej, Kelsey, karolina, Agata and Joe on e final night, i missed the Taiwanese girls really bad. I loved the company I had around me, of course. But thr's also a part of me that wondered what the rest were up to.

When I was back at sunny tiny singapore, Celia constantly skyped me and that went on all the way to Taiwan where she took a train ride all by herself frm Taichung to Taipei just to pick me back to Taichung immediately. We had great fun together there and she showed me the local life of Taiwan students when I was there.

Unfortunately, my hosting capabilities were like a million times worse that what she gave. I thought one month was long.. But with just a blink of the eye, she's leaving.

If it's unbelievable for me, it must be worse for wichan and her. As they took turns to pick food for the steamboat this evening, I chatted with each party and both were saying how they have been avoiding talking about celia's nearing departure. It's easy to give them advices and make them nod about being hopeful for the real test to come but god knows how tough it's gonna be.

Good thing to note though, is their faith, trust and respect in each other. It's nice to see how they both took turns taking care of each other. How they were rough but at the same time tender to the other.

Celia and wichan's visit has shown and taught me alot. I've perceived many things at yet another perspective.

It's a blessing.

Celia says she doesn't want me to send her off coz she'll cry really badly. But I don wanna not send her off too.

I hate goodbyes.

Very tired today. Like inside out tired.

Goodnight world.

It is very hard to talk in colors when you know
you're not the ONLY one doing it.

First bike lesson this afternoon and I loved it.

That's all that matters.

Haven't sat here for quite some time. Thought after the last saga, I wouldn't be coming here again.

Its been good. Really have been and if it were another, I would've seized the opportunity.

But this time I'm scared. I don even know if scared is an apt word anymore.. Seemed to have used it so often it seems to have nullified the meaning of it.

Once bitten, twice shy they say. Eventually it's the good times that has the sharpest blade.

But oooh how thy heart aches.

But I'm not even letting myself think too much now. Either that or I've been to sleepy to think. Coz eventually when judgment day comes, I know I won't be able to say yes to sharing something that's supposed to be so magical.

And on the same note, who knows if it's even my choice to say yes or no too.

The other day I blasted "as the deer" while I skimmed through some of their photos I've seen. Not a good feeling I must say. But I shan't comment today. I'm just too tired and commenting makes one think and thinking makes one wonder and then the whole cycle will evolve.

Damn.you.big.fat.bubbles.in.my.head.

In other news though, despite the week being good, its been physically exhausting as well. Monday night's little rendezvous with Judy and a couple of others frm work drained me and I'm still suffering from the aftereffects of it.

Two 830s and a field trip is just about enough to wrinkle this old soul. Heh heh. Where is the life and spirit a 24 yr old should have?

I feel like I cannot cope with the work load anymore. Maybe I'm not that competent, or maybe I'm just plain lazy but the pile ups's looking a little more than what my plate can hold.

Which also makes me wonder if i'm going to be like this for the bulk of my life. Am I going to forever be complacent or will I push my boundaries? How do I know the difference?

I really miss sipadan and yellowstone. They are 2 different experiences but both are oh-so-great.

At yellowstone, I felt young. Like life was just screaming outta me. I decide what path to take everyday and things were slow-mo. Great to be outta touch frm the world enough to breathe on my own and still contactable like maybe once a fortnight.

Sipadan was slow too. But the shiokness of rolling off the boat, descending into the water, exploring the less humid side of nature and ascending with satisfaction and enough lethargy is undescribible. Not forgetting the assurances she was giving then. Mmm hmmm. Perfecto.

But i'm no longer living in the past as well. I know brilliance like that is well over. Sipadan has passed and so has yellowstone.

Still, it doesn't hurt to dream every once in a while does it?

Right now though, this rusty fella gotta get up and pee and brave myself for the nxt 2 days.

Have a good weekend folks!

Friday.
We'll see k.

Woke up suddenly having thoughts of the weekend in my mind.

Of them having a ball of a time,
of her staying over or falling asleep at his place. In his embrace.
of them being intimate.

Reallllly don wanna go through that again.

Gonna enjoy my bonus trip to the butterfly park and get busy with my thousand and one plans.

Must.

Good day, everyone.

Romance and all its strategy

Leaves me battling with my pride
But through the insecurity
Some tenderness survives
I'm just another writer
Still trapped within my truth
A hesitant prize fighter
Still trapped within my youth

And sometimes when we touch
The honesty's too much
And I have to close my eyes and hide
I wanna hold you til I die
Til we both break down and cry
I wanna hold you till the fear in me subsides.

because I know things you don't know I know.

KS's mum says that I'm lost.

I have always held Aunty with high respect and she has indeed always been a good judge of character. So when KS told me about this some time back, it made me reflect alot. Made me think of where I can improve on and for a moment made me think of how I appear to be in front of others.

I think she's right.
I am lost.

Major revolution going through in the office today. Well, not entirely a revolution but people are voicing out to management about their unhappiness and they are ready to leave and how did the management react? - they increase my pay.

Mai gave me a heads-up last night so I was expecting drama. But I wasn't expecting this. Ask me - is it worth it? I don't think so.

Again, I feel for the 2nd time in a short span of 4 days, to be a backup. Not worth much on my own but always becoming more valuable only when the main act is no longer available.

At work I'm like that.
In relationship I am also like that.

Obviously they are not increasing my pay because they think I'm good but because they don't want me to leave. And why do they not want me to leave? Because they have no one else to count on.

But wait, doesn't this sound a tad too familiar from other aspects of my life too?

It's like I have no control of my life. Or I have no value.
I don't yearn to be top in everything, but I want to be the boss of my own life. It is mine ultimately, and not anyone else's to abuse isn't it? But why does it feel like as people get closer to me, they start puppet-ting me?

Is it them or is it me?
Am I allowing it to happen?

It drives me crazy to have to battle all these thoughts with mum's constant nagging for me to change jobs. She uses words like business model to talk to me. Haha. It's like the management in her is taking over again.

And so with that weighing in my mind, I walked around school only to realize that Mai was right - I'm losing everyone.

I need to build the guts to make a change in my life.
Perhaps biking will be good for my ego.
and volunteering will be good for the soul.

Haven't felt this tall in a long time.

Don ever wanna forget this feeling.
Like every song has a funky beat.

Thank you for your hands dear lord.

I'm scared.

Leap of faith or Deja vu?
Patience or pride?

Why do people have no qualms about insulting me in public? Have I evolved into one whose pride and self-worth is so low people deem it ok to spit down at?

Even though I deserved it, I find it harder to swallow being smeared at in the office in front of some of the people I despised most than having a door slammed at the face in private.

Haha.

Maybe one day I'll grow to laugh at these incidents.

Right now I only wish I still have Eng's room to hide in.

Tester ate her dust!
kekeke.

Good luck tomorrow.

The nights are the hardest.

Seriously need photoshop skills.

That's it then.

Don't like how it feels like after emerging from each meeting.

Maybe I'm not suited for bigger things afterall.

And I want to share these with someone who's willing to walk through these with me.

And not at this point of time, still worry if they are going to make out tonight.

The flame still burns.

But evidently, nothing's solved.

How do I tell her I'm not the same anymore?

I am going to dig a big beyond bigger hole, roll into it, fill it up and never ever show my face in light again.

Kthxbye.

So sick of browsing through forums. The company needs to learn how to look at the bigger picture.

And so do I.



Listening to the songs I used to listen to on days I wake up, smile and thank god for her and on weekends where she filled my mind brings about such a deep ache within, I can actually tear.

I used to sing along to these songs with KS while we strolled to Summer Breeze. It was like this from when I could only see her till when my vision broadened to her and the fact that she wasn't standing alone.

The truth is, she could have and would have broken me many times before. Many many times before. But every time I nearly caved, I find her next to him.

And I become fearful again.

That serves as a reminder dude. I'm afraid of falling back into that jealousy insecure cycle.

I often think of the days when we used to hang out for dinner, catch a movie once in a while or knowing that we have one another. And it is still THAT great when we spend time together!

But despite that, I'm not the same anymore. I cannot accept the things I used to before.

You were my strength.

But it is obvious that you won't leave him.

It was hard enough watching her walk away time and again. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through it again.

I miss you.
But I can't go on without anyone making a move. Someone has to yield.







Guess that has to me.

Way too clever for me.

Do you believe what people say about being the truest when u're tired, maxed out and have had a drink?

给我一点酒让我有勇气向你吐露我的悲伤!

Funny how I can just type non stop when I'm talking about other things but I keep losing my focus, losing the choice of words when it comes to blogging about us now.

I am struggling between using my will power to let go and caving in.

Her recent bout of mood swings, attitude and confidence worries me. But I have to keep reminding myself that he's the one now. The hardest part is doing it fully aware that it's not doing her any good.

I really don't want to fall back into being that jealous type person anymore. I don want to only be her prized possession.

But I get so frustrated when I see how she's letting herself slip into her own abyss. Quoting ah Bert, it's like losing a part of myself.

And on days I get so wrked up and feel the power to regurgitate (spell?) everything verbally, i choke. I think it's best we clear the air because we are obviously misreading everything each other says or does but i fear coming clean with her because we have far too much misunderstandings. I feel like everything I say she reads wrongly.

It's like she thinks I'm out to doom her.

And our pride are holding us back from explaining ourselves.

Anyway I really think she's going to be better after this weekend.

One day she'll know I care. For now I can only lun.

And I'm going to post this up this time.

Good afternoon.

After all the talks, emails and books on marketing, I seem to have come to a bigger understanding that marketing is not my cup of tea.

It bores me thinking of how to sell something that is rotten from the inside. Meetin customer's expectations, brainstorming for new platforms to reach parents, thinking of ways to entice them seems so 2D to me.

The world is flat when it comes to marketing. I don't care that it's scentifically proven that it's round, it is still flat. That's how dull marketing is. I have used the same analogy when I was in uni. Who's to think it's to hit me again now?

There is far more to life than this!

I used to have big dreams when I was still a kid. What happened to them? Whatever happened to greenview's dream.believe.achieve? As we grow older, do we lose the will to dream? Do we get so sucked into this mundane lifestyle we daren't venture onto the road less travelled?

I feel like I've lost myself. I've lost my soul, motivation and drive. Where is my passion?

I want to break free.

You'll be alright now that the weekends are here.

Where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and I'm aglow with the taste
of the demons driven out
and happily replaced
with the presence of real love.
The only one who saves.

sidenote: Great meet up with Ellen today. Always love em meet ups.
sideside note: These headaches have got to end.
sidesideside note: Goodnight world.

Choking in voice, in thoughts and in words.

Maybe we should stop nesting the questions in our minds.

because you and I both loved
What you and I spoke of
And others just read of
Others only dream of the love,
of the love that I loved.

Feels like a bullet was drilled through my brains. Wrong time to feel like monkey god.

Bad crampsssssssssss.

You think it's so easy to just walk away.

You chose him man.
You know you won't leave him.
And you don't need me.

I just hope you don't do anything stupid.

我要控制我自己
不会让谁看见我哭泣
装作漠不关心你
不愿想起你
怪自己没有勇气

心痛得无法呼吸
找不到你留下的痕迹
眼睁睁的看见你
却无能为力
任你消失在世界的尽头

Reckon the reason why I have more drafts than actual entries now is because I am doing things that I have to do.
And not necessarily all the things that I want to.

where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and I am aglow with the taste
of the demons driven out
and happily replaced
with the presence of real love
The only one who saves.

But she the goddess,
and he apparently the one who saves.

When she says things like that,
she sends through my limbs the same sensation she used to bring when we touched.

The kind that nearly breaks your facade.

Difficult but she made her choice Yvonne. Just make sure she's safe and let it go you bitch.

cockroach moment.

Afraid of losing steam.

"God works in mysterious ways."

An overused but very accurate phrase.

I am not your typical holy person.

I don't go to church, I don't abstain from meat on Fridays, I don't pray and I especially don't usually devote any entries to him.
I believe in god, I respect him but I also frequently have bones to pick with him.
Especially in cases like THESE.

but this time around, I couldn't do it.
I searched for pictures of Jesus and I just couldn't feel anything. No hatred, no anger. Just plain ol' Jesus.

If you knew me before, you'd see how ever since Hilda, my relationship with god hasn't been firm at all.
Things got better when I went to Yellowstone and found peace with him - I mean come on, the man sat with me and brought my father back when I was quite literally against the world.

i HAD TO let the anger go.

At dinner tonight, I started feeling low again. And sitting with my family didn't help AT ALL. I wrote a loonnngg note hoping that posting it here would help relieve some of these pain but soon as I put it up, I took it down. It just didn't feel relieving at all. In fact, it only served to make me dwell in negative thoughts - something she taught me would result into something as devastating as what has happened.

Instead, I wrote a draft that goes like this. " Dear god, please give me the strength. " No idea where that came from. I just typed it - one hand on the phone, the other on my chopsticks.

So after dinner, I left and hooked up with Winnie for abit. Winnie has changed alot over the past 11 years. You'd be surprised at how different she is today from the Winnie we knew before. We spoke of very general stuff. We reminisced. She shared with me about her stories around the world, I told her about my very little adventures to SOME parts of the world. It was a good green tea chilling session despite not meeting for a year ( and only saying hi to one another LAST year. )

But most importantly, Winnie showed me, without her own realization, at how changes are not necessarily bad. Coincidentally, when I went home with Destin, he also randomly said, " sometimes we should have changes in life mah. Like that then not so boring. "

I think he meant it as a joke but... how much coincidences can there be in a day??

While I was bathing not too long ago, " God works in mysterious ways " suddenly came up in my mind. And then I thought about it and guess what, it's true.

It's easier said than done but alot of things are indeed a matter of perspective. (comprehensable only when you're in a better mood. Trust me.)

Weeks ago, I was worried about Valentines' Day. Valentines' Day hasn't always been a very important day for me. If you have someone, good for you! Otherwise, time will still fly if you do other things. But I had her in mind and in my heart. So I wasn't entirely thrilled at the thought of them having a merry good time together.

Then the fight happened.

And I totally forgot about Valentines' Day. I mean it was at the back of my mind but I didn't know it was up so soon. But when I was shampooing my hair, I suddenly had a thought that maybe it's better that she sees it over now. At least she eradicated all my expectations and hopes and all.

In case you've ever wondered, I've never blamed her. The reason why I went into hiding was coz I didn't want anyone to influence my mind further. I needed to know how I felt. It was natural if my friends started bringing her down. They will always be on my side. But that's not what I wanted this time. I needed the truth to the matter. I needed to know what I thought based on how I know her as and not based on what others judge. And that 2 miserable, absolutely agonizing days (I am not exaggerating, FYI.) made me realize how my previous bursts of insecurity and all must have made things wild for her too. For the both of us.

So at least now since she's made it clear, I can rid myself of any expectations and without expectations, there wouldn't be any disappointments. I might've hoped that she may miraculously choose to spend V day with me instead but now, there's no hope and hence, no disappointments. It can end up being kind of reliving.

Then when I was soaping myself, I thought of home.

My family has officially shifted in.

Remember how I was previously angsty about it? I thought I wouldn't be able to get used to the crowd and everything. Turns out things are better than I expected them to be.

Firstly, I HAVE 3 LIVING ROOMS NOW!!! I'm sorry but I need to flaunt this. I've never seen my house as a big house before until today. It is so beautiful and the best part is, we didn't even buy new stuff! Everything was recycled, old or madeshift and yet it brightens the house so much.

I am also getting comfortable with looking for Destin and Janelle once I'm home. Gives the house more life and more energy. They usually just stay in their room but I get to lie on their beds, sing songs with them and be a bad influence to them once i'm back.

Ah ma is seemingly happier now with the crowd around. It may be a little too soon to say but at least she hasn't fully blown (note the word 'fully') her temper since cny. And she lets me dwell in self-pity in front of her tv all day with big smiles on her face.

Mother is also less hectic around the house now with Rati around to help. And Rati is so much more of a better help than Isti, my previous, slightly psycho maid.

But most importantly, every inch of my house has memories of her. I swear it hits you even when you're poop-ing in the toilet. It's the happy moments that hurts the most and with her, I can only remember the smiles and laughters and jokes. Even if I do have occasional recollection of rough times, it all seemed trivia enough to ignore. And that's why it's so hard.

But now with the revamp, things MAY get a little easier, no? I get distracted at how grand the place looks now and with the change in arrangements and furniture like the coffee table, I wouldn't have to go " dammit, we used to look at pictures on this table together. " And if it gets too hard, I reckon I can always go to the other places where I don't see ghosts of her.

God works in mysterious ways indeed. These are blessings. He gave them to be a long time ago. I just needed the time to discover them. And apparantly he doesn't just give them out too. I need to work on them as well. Now that I've seen them, I need to constantly learn how to use them to pick myself up once again.

That said, it doesn't mean everything's gonna be easy from now on though. I know it'll hit me again. This roller coaster ride is like a time bomb. I can feel like a powerful king in control of my life one minute and like a helpless cockroach the next. When I'm King, things are good. I see the bigger picture, I tell myself I can live through this. But when I'm a cockroach, I just want to hide away from the world. I wanna choose the escapist way out. And this fluctuation of emotion is killing me.

But I know it's not entirely her fault.

I put lotsa pressure on her then and I had so much expectations outta her. Expectations I shouldn't be putting on her. 'No rights' was right. But I shouldn't have been bitter about it. In fact, I should've understood that and accepted that there and then. I also shouldn't have let my friend's words influence and confuse me... even if they meant well. Because I didn't talk to her about it. Since I didn't talk to her, I shouldn't have assumed. That was completely unfair to her. And I can only see it now when thoughts like these have spun out of control.

Had I seen it sooner, I wouldn't have hurt her and myself the way I had.

It really isn't going to be easy. I can feel it in me already.

Your heart rips apart when you see all your efforts and dreams for someone down the drain.
And it's not only us I'm talking about. It was like the walls we tried piecing down together. Like the confidence she was building up..everything. All stripped away from her. And from me.

But since this is her choice of happiness, I gotta respect her decision. Even if I can't, I need to constantly remind myself to. If you think he will bring you the happiness you want, he probably will.

I am not that noble and many a times, I really wish I could pull you back. I will miss you. I will be in absolute agony. I will be reluctant. I still believe in the things I believed in.

But I won't hold you back. Believe it or not, I never meant to.

Thank you for making my life so colourful before.

Finally a good night's sleep tonight. :))



Sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in some blissful dream
where the goddess finally sleeps
in the lap of her lover
subdued in all her rage
and I am aglow with the taste
of the demons driven out
and happily replaced
with the presence of real love
the only one who saves

I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face

the stillness in your eyes
convinces me that I
I don't know a thing
and I been around the world and I've
tasted all the wines
a half a billion times
came sickened to your shores
you show me what this life is for

I wanna dance with you
I see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face

in this altered state
full of so much pain and rage
you know we got to find a way to let it go

sittin' on the beach
the island king of love
deep in fijian seas
deep in the heart of it all
where the goddess finally sleeps
after eons of war and lifetimes
she smilin' and free, nothin' left
but a cracking voice and a song, oh lord

I wanna dance with you
i see a world where people live and die with grace
the karmic ocean dried up and leave no trace
I wanna dance with you
i see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
and lead us back to a world we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face
we would not face

Need to be away from the family for abit. But there's no where to go.

Been trying to put the scribblings together from 11pm to now..

but the words get in the way.

I tried father.

I took 2 days away from the world.
But I just can't figure out why.

What did I do wrong?

Kelsey once said,

"Remember, kid, there's heroes and there's legends.
Heroes get remembered, but legends never die.

Follow your heart kid, you will never go wrong."

She's not letting me in on what I did wrong, Kelsey.

And I feel like shit.
I'm so sorry I spent the weekend sleeping.
I'm so sorry I yelled at her on the sms.
I'm so sorry for letting everyone's words come between us.

I am sorry I may never have the chance to say it to her anymore.

On a day when everyone finally leaves early, you're not around.

Took a slow stroll from the school to the playground last night.
The whole journey there, I kept thinking back on the conversation we had.
And the times we've shared.

I think I was a little too harsh.
But I am angry.

Angry that you could spend the entire day not letting me in on your status only to drop a bombshell like that.
That you could ask me to talk to you about things only to run away when things get heated.
Angry that you are going back to the easy way out.
Angry that you are not fighting for anything.
Not even yourself.
Angry that I don't know the answer to the many of my questions.

But I shouldn't have made my words sound like I did not believe that she's sick.
I don't doubt that she's sick. just that it may not be as sickly as how it seems.
That's what long weekends does to her. Not that I like it but that's just the way it is.
But it gets really frustrating when everyone comes up to you trying to dig for information about how sick she is or hints for you to psycho her to do otherwise.
And it's so much easier to tackle those attempts IF I knew what's really wrong. Otherwise all I can do is give some lame excuse and siam.

Before the bloodbath yesterday, someone asked me who I trusted more - her or her. Not paying much attention to the details then, I quickly answered that I trusted her more. But soon as I said that, I knew - with more certainty than I knew of myself - that that was not true.

She, I trust more. The only problem is on what grounds we're comparing it upon. I actually think she's been telling me all the truth. For everything. but my mind's been meddling with my believe. If it were for me to decide, I think she hasn't lied much.. but she's been hiding things. That's what kills me. But then again, what if she's hiding things so she won't hurt me?

Guess I don't make things a whole lot easier for her either.

I don't even know what I should do now since I don't know her bloody stand.

It's just feeling more and more like the MIA days. And you know how much I detest that.

You see that's why I don't have a good impression of you hanging out with him. It's like everytime that happens, you drop back down to this.

or is this your choice?

I don't know.

Hate long weekends.

And I really have to stop listening to angry songs.

I can't tell you what it really is
I can only tell you what it feels like
And right now there's a steel knife
In my windpipe
I can't breathe
But I still fight
While I can fight
As long as the wrong feels right
It's like I'm in flight.

You'd be wrong if you ever thought that it was only painful to you.

I feel like a complete ass because you've been so nice. You've been more than nice, in fact. Yet I make you a victim of my own psychological struggle.
And you don't even know what the trigger point is.

but you won't understand.

You won't understand how it is to always feel so cheap and small at the time.

You won't understand what it feels like to not have any stupid rights. To not know where you stand. To not know what to ask or what you can get upset about or what you can say yes or no to.

or to hear how everyone is saying I'm a fool.

worse yet, to hear yourself calling me a fool.

You won't understand how it is to stand at one corner cracking your brains trying to understand how one person can have fun with two people at the same time or questioning myself if all the deep thoughts you've been showing me are one of the things you've shown him as well.

You also won't understand how this ego i've worked so hard on to build back is getting smashed, kicked and trampled on time and again.

or to think of someone you shouldn't be thinking of only to see visions of her in another person's arms.

and then.. there are also times where i feel like such a jerk for getting mad at you.

Because I know how hard you've tried.

I know how much obligations there might be. You know his family, he knows yours. You know his friends, he knows yours.

I get it. It's not easy. I never thought it was. But how do i know if this is even bothering you at all? What if I'm only just part of your fun?

Am I supposed to swallow my pride just because you've been trying? And what IS trying?

Am I even allowed to ask all these questions?

I mean even right now,
you have either me or him to take care of you no?

what's there for you to lose?

and he's still your boyfriend right?

what's there for him to lose?

you have no idea man.

You think I don't care about you?
why do you think it's so hard?

But if this is what you want,
then i dont think i can give you what you want.
and i really don't think you're willing to give me what i want as well.

Have you ever been so angry you find your body shaking in rage?

and then you feel so weak you just want to collapse and hibernate.

4 days ago I couldn't stand the idea of going on a long break.
Now, I don wanna going back to work tomorrow.

Just want to go back to bed and sleep.

I am not that benevolent.
and you have no idea how small it makes me feel.

repulsive.

just wanna stay under here.

at the end of the day, it boils down to this.

who am I?
What are my fucking rights?

And do you tell us the same bloody things?

do you come to me only when you are on the rocks with him?
if we hit a rough patch, will you go back to him?
do i have the right to say I dont want that?

why can't i call you anytime i like?
why must i consider whether you're with him?
why must i make myself the secondary option?
why can't i lift my head?

What is the line? WHY is there a line?

How much concern can i show you?
How much can i miss you?
when you say you're falling sick, how much can i say?
how much should i hold back?
how much can i trust you?

what can I get upset about?
what do I not get upset about?

what can i ask of you?
what should i not ask?

What can i expect of you?
what should you expect of me?

What can I share with you?
What should I not?

Because one minute you're making me feel like the king of the world.
the next I'm an aimless wanderer.

why are you deflating my ego like that?
why am I letting you do it?
is this all just a game to you?

can you not see the struggle?
can you not hear the whispers?

if you shush one minute,

can you hear yourself mocking me?

" heh heh heh. that's just a fool .... "

300 coz I couldn't say no.

Mark this day.

Gut feeling.

Sometimes it sucks that no one around truly understands what it feels like to have gone through those 3 months alone.

Alvin turned on to Spirit's soundtrack while we were daidee-ing today. These music pieces were the ones blasting from my psp during my slow walks to and fro the sanctuary back at Yellowstone so whenever I hear it, I'll experience this indescribable sense of nostalgia.. and accomplishment for being able to break boundaries. If i'm lucky, i might even feel inspired to do so again!

But when I tried to causally mention this to Alvin just now, he took it as a joke and turned the whole table to laughing at it. It's very disturbing to have people laughing at something so serious and meaningful to you.. but I also know from deep within that they will never fully understand that independence and joy I felt when I was there in 2009. Maybe this was what Kelsey meant when we spoke after her long camping trip with her family back then. "They were not there."

oh boy, those were good times.

Anyway, earlier this evening, I suddenly had a bout of dono-what-u-call of mother passing on one day.

And it doesn't feel good AT ALL.

Over the years, I have grown, no.. changed, from a person who grumbles but still work to a person who grumbles and DOESNT work.

And it's makes matters worse when mother is not exactly living the high life at 428. She slogs day and night before cny AND on cny itself just to keep the house guest friendly - while we keep ourselves busy gambling our money away. For years now, I've been hearing the yearn in her voice to join us. yet whenever she does, she either irritates everyone or feel obliged to take care of the welfare of relatives..

My mother can never sit still!

So when the night falls , she usually gets too tired to join us and bids us goodnight long before bedtime. Year after year, night after night, I have to see her walk back to the room in disappointment as she missed her chance to join in the fun.

This year's no different.

But by not contributing too much to the home this year, one question constantly pops up in my head:

am I unknowingly becoming my brothers?

Now that's a scary thought.


On a different and more exciting note, Day 1 of 4 has passed! :)

And my spanking new red undies have been doing me well. Haha.

Thank you for being the magic u are.




Gong hei fatt choi everyone!

These voices in my head are making me feel so tiny,
So worthless,

And so sensitive.



So not gonna like the long weekend.

I get jealous only because you mean the world to me.

He's family.

Oh give me a home

where the buffalo roams
where the deers and the antelopes play.

Where seldom is heard, a discouraging word.

And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Home, home on a range.
Where the deers and the antelopes play.

Where seldom is heard,
a discouraging word.


And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Like a walking target board. Without the walking.

Haven't walked in e rain like this in a long time.

I'm no longer one of those who purposely does it just to be cool... Or emo. Nope, I'm not that remarkable. Maybe one day I'll reach nirvana and do it like how e Seconday kids does. but not today. Today I am here for a less noble cause. I am waiting for a comfort cab.. Which doesn't seem to be appearing. Hah.

Right before Mai left work today, she asked me some real serious questions. Questions that are turning e alrdy spinning gears in my head.

Right now I feel like that Yvonne clinging onto e edge of e dark and empty well I was so familiar with. I thought I've long abandoned this persona. But sometimes ur darkest hours just creeps upon u like it was only yesterday u got through it.

I am so afraid I'll fall deeper into this well. But as Mai posted e many whys to me, instead of finding steps to put myself up, it feels like cold water are being slowly flushed down the sides.

I am losing my grip.

How deep does this well really go?

You give a push every once in a while. But is it safe to grab ur hands?

God. I think I need some good night's zzz tonight.