i can't fall asleep.
And even if i could, i'ld be dreaming of them.

All my bags are packed,
i'm ready to go.
I'm standing here outside your door.
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.

but the dawn is breaking its early morn,
the taxi's waiting, blowing his horn.
Already i'm so lonesome i could die.

So kiss me and smile for me.
Tell me that you'll wait for me.
Hold me like you'll never let me go.

Cause i'm leaving on a jetplane.
Don't know when i'll be back again.
oh babe, i hate to go.

Am currently at Bozeman with Kelsey, Karolina, Agata, Matej and Joe. Leaving Bozeman tomorrow for Los Angeles before heading over to Taipei and Singapore.

So this time, this is really it.

I don't know how to say how i really feel. I'm DEFINITELY not happy about leaving but I'm glad that we are all here. All together in this beautiful motel.

Suddenly i feel like i have so much to tell all of them. So must to explain. So much emotions to express. But i'm having so much problems doing it. And the worst part is realizing that it's foolish of me to do nothing crazy like that since there is a kinda huge possibility that i might not see them again.

These days, i always find myself staring at all of them, trying to capture every expression, every movement and every moment with them. I don't want to forget but everything just seems so dreamy right now. It's unrealistic.

A good group of friends i have here.

Now, we're all ready to get drunk again. muahaha.

Anyways, Bozeman is really nice. It's neither too big nor too small. We should've been here sooner. Even though, i have my doubts about staying here long term too. I think it'll be too small for a forever-living-here kinda thing.

Sigh, i'm trying to be really excited and lively here.. but it's failing so badly.

Why do i hate going home so much?
It's just so weird.

Outside the dawn is breaking
But inside in the dark I'm aching to be free

The show must go on
The show must go on, yeah yeah

Ooh, inside my heart is breaking
My make-up may be flaking
But my smile still stays on

On with the,
On with the,
On with the show!

It's tomorrow.

It feels almost like a dream. Like somewhere in there it's hurting. Yet I can't show it on my face. What am i to do?

I don't want people here to see it as a sad affair. People here wants everything to be happy and i want them to be happy. So i can't show it.

People back home only says, " welcome back to reality. "; "come home. we want you home. " So I can't show it.

And there are things which i am dying to say if not i know i'ld regret for life but still, i can't show it and i can't say it.


So, what about me?
What about what i want?
What about what i want to DO?

If there's anything I learn from America, it's that the people here really do follow their heart. They know what they want; they do what they want.

Why can't i do the same?
Why do people back home not trust me?
Why do people back home want to control me?
Why can't i just do what i want?
Why don't i know what i want?
Why can't i say what i want?

Why can't i just tell you once and for all?

I am angry.
Angry with the world, with life, with how everything's not within my control.

I am angry with how you guys want me home not because you truly care but because you need someone to control.
I am angry at how everyone can't understand me.
I am angry at how people never see what i have done but judge me by their pre-cognition.

Most importantly, I am angry at things way beyond this.

I am angry with you.
Angry that you're running away.
Angry at how this is unfair to all of us.
Angry about the way you stare.

Yet i am not angry.
Because i just can't.

I am just an angry person.

Perhaps i really am a crazy asian.

5 days, 5 freaking days! oh wait, it's 4 actually. Fuck.

It feels really weird.
I look at everyone now, unable to imagine how it would be like the day i leave, or for the fact that there's a chance that this could be the last time we'll be seeing each other.
And all of a sudden, I feel like a dying man who wants to fulfill all my last wishes.

Whats worse, i can't show them as overbearingly as when i'm in Singapore.
I do talk about them ever so often.. somewhat as a way to minimize the pain, i guess. But it's not as bad as how Yvonne Goh usually does it. Sometimes, Kate's words before i left the last time still pops out in my mind and i wonder if everyone's feeling the sentiment. And that makes me all suspicious and scared of everyone around me.

My mind's like a never ending battlefield. And i want it all to just STOP. Sigh.

Anyways, had dinner at a semi-fancy restaurant ( Old Faithful Inn ) with the 'UN team' today. It was a great dinner, i think. I mean, i really love the idea of spending time together. And i do so cherish every minute that's left. Except, once again, i felt weird. Not weird as in they-are-such-a-weird-group-of-friends weird.. but more of the, weird-as-in-no-words-can-describe weird.



There are so much things i would like to say.. so much within me that I feel like expressing to them. But somehow, I wonder what good this would be to everyone. Besides, I don't even know what i want to say. haha..

I really wish i could get drunk every night, so i don't have to face these creatures of the night. Or rather the creatures of my mind.

I know, Strange entry once again.
Goodnight world.

Just for the record, all in all, today was a great day. Loved how everyone dressed up, loved how we set aside time for one another. Loved how we had great laughs in the restaurant. Love that I love these people here. Maybe what's so hard about leaving is how much i love the people and the place here.

And despite how sad i am, i am seeking solace in Indian rojaking with xie and the rest. Catching up with JC gang and the other nonsensical things i always do back home. Except, I can't fully visualize things right now. Too consumed with absorbing the most i can from this place, you see.

Just.wish.the.world.wasn't.so.small.and.i.ain't.that.weird.

Alright.. really have to zzz.
Goodnight once again.

It's getting hard to, be around you.
There's so much i can't say.
Do you want me to hide the feelings?
Or look the other way.

I don't know, how to be fine when i'm not.
And I don't know how to make these feelings stop.

Just so you know, this feeling's taking control of me.
And I can't help it.
I won't sit around, I can't let him win now.

Thought you should know, I've tried my best to let go of you.
But I can't help it.
I wanna say it all before I go,
Just so you know.

I'm far from holy. But i'm convinced that god has his reasons. and plans.

That's all i can trust now, anyway.

I still can't believe i'm leaving next week.

This second trip back here has been so weird. I've been acting weird and as such, people around me has been acting weird. And i'm still trying to figure out why - why i've been behaving like this anyway.

It feels like the time here has been so short even though it's only a week shorter than my first time here.

I still remember how it was like when i first got here: excited to be here, scared to be all alone, scared at all the 'strange' americans, touched by the angels, uber happy over the snow and woah.. many many more. What an emotional medley it was.

The trip this time, on the contrary, have been filled with sensitivity, unspoken tension, undisclosed emotions and more often than not, things were a blur. ( most probably because we couldn't stay sober for too long. hahaha. )

Hell, i even blog differently now.

But despite these never-ending issues, i am still really glad i made the choice to come back. And i do love working in the EDR. The only thing that is really bugging me is some comments my previously well-respected co-workers. But you know, shit happens. The main thing is to survive it, i think.

The most amazing experience, though, is to meet the 4 incredible friends of mine, most of which coming from different countries. In no or hardly ( JOKE ) any order of preference, Kelsey, Karolina, Agata and Matej are 4 really cool people from 3 really separate countries.

Kelsey's a real cool chick from Minnetonka, Minnesota - the only American in this 'circle of trust'. haha.. I always call her a nerd because of her way over average GPA and her ability to memorize weird stuffs like the serial numbers to the different stocks in the store. She is, however, way better than what i'm describing her as right now. She's freakishly tall, has a baby face ( or so I say ), really funny, really crazy and in some ways, really beautiful as well. Although she doesn't think so, Kelsey knows exactly what she wants in life, sticks to all her decisions to the very end and chooses to filter out most of the unhappy stuff she knows by pretending she doesn't know. All in all, she's like at least 10 times more than what is described right here.

Karolina's this hot chica from Poland. She's really similar to Kelsey in terms of mentality, thoughts and reactions. She loves working overtime, loves to get drunk except she doesn't because i always snatch the attention away before she is able to and she's a real mature person who makes talking to really easy. She can get wild and crazy when she partys but she never loses herself. I only got to know Karolina better on this trip and maybe a few days before i last left and i'm really glad we had the chance to get better accquainted.

Agata's this black hair beauty from Poland as well. She's Karolina's best friend and they study, live and came here together. Agata's real cool to be with as well except she keeps way too much stuff to herself. I really hope that she'll be able to open up to anyone of us one day. Her work here so far hasn't been exactly smooth sailing because of arrangements with co-workers but she's strong in the sense that she still does her best no matter what. I admire Agata's strength and courage and i really think she has the potential to enter the modelling / fashion industry.

Matej's the only BOY in the group. He's from Slovenia and is REALLY tall. Despite his tall, not bad looking features, he yelps like a girl. haha... Kelsey, himself and me were hiking at Mallard lake once when he saw this deer ( which was apparantly smaller than the last deer he saw at the same hike a couple of weeks earlier ) and yelped really weirdly. Weirdly for him, funnily for us. I have to say, when it comes to girls, Matej's a typical guy. However, he is a good brother as well. He listens, he jokes, he helps out. Without him, the last time i left would be worst than what it was. And even though i've been weird here, Matej never fails to get drunk with me and start pushing everyone around. In fact, he even made a tree fall when we were hiking at DeLacey Creek! hahaha.. Even though i always say i will kill him one day ( 50% of a joke is real, btw. ), I'm really glad i met Matej and had the opportunity to work with him.

Of course, this is not the only people i know/met. The other foreigners are really cool hang out people as well. We have the taiwanese girls ( lots and lots and lots ot them! ), one from turkey, one from slovakia and another from china. We don hang out exceptionally much but we visit each other pretty often and I have to say, my initial impression of them have really changed ALOT this time. In the good way, that is.

I'm really bummed out about leaving so soon. And what sucks the most is the fact that there's a huge ass chance that we won't get to see each other ever again. Why is the world so big? what is singapore's problem? Every ticket out and in of here's so freaking expensive.

I don wanna leave. Really don't wanna.
The upcoming week's gonna be so painful.

How i wish i could tell the world what's really going on inside..

and have them totally understand this agony.

Had a really good conversation with Toan tonight. It's probably the first 'real' conversation i've had with him since I've ever knew him. And it's sweet mainly because he's part asian, part european ( westernized. ) That somehow means he understands how it feels like to be trapped in a system you don't want to be in.

I cannot find the right words to describe how satisfied i feel with finally finding someone who somehow feels like i do but in the simplest word ever, i'ld say it was G.R.E.A.T!

i've been a real pain in my yellowstone friend's ass lately i should change. I have to change! sometimes, i wish to apologize to them about my nightly drunken stupor but its just too hard to get those words out.

I hope they'ld realize how much i really appreciate them out here. Really do.

Been looking at convo pictures of friends back in Singapore. It seems almost weird that everyone has graduated and all grown up and somehow, it also seems unbelievable that i'm now another one of those graduated souls, forced to one day join the corporate world of climbing that ladder of success.

Saw esther's graduation photos. Its almost as if she hasn't been to America at all and somehow, it just feels really weird. Tried imagining myself in those gowns, taking pictures with what little NBS friends i have. Couldn't imagine it.

Coming back to Yellowstone, staying on in America looks like it's a major move and decision on my part. Sometimes i feel like people back in Singapore think i'm crazy to choose this path - unrealistic; dreamland; escapist- these are just some words that have been thrown my direction. Well yea, i AM crazy. But, though it sounds crazy, it feels right. So right.

I've said it once and i've said it twice and now, i'm going to say it again..

So far, choosing to come back here has been one of the choices i've made that have left me with no regrets.

I need you guys to let go so i can let go.



The bridge is crossed;
so stand and watch it burn.

Despite the various instances that happened in the Kitchen, I am still really glad that i decided to stay.

No doubt, some people have changed. Some have become more playful, some weird-er, some better and some just more appreciative. But change is ultimately inevitable. I love it here in Yellowstone, and in some ways, i hope they are as glad as me.

how do you ever tell which direction god wants you to go?

sometimes, problems seems to guide you in the best situation for you..but that's easy because problems exsists when you do not have options to take.

What do you do then, when 2 paths lays ahead of you.. and you have no idea what's the best for you?

greetings from yellowstone!

its been 3 weeks since i was bumped off at old faithful and it's exactly a month to the day i leave this place and i'm starting to feel sad at the thought of leaving.

I love this place.
I love the pace of life; the lack of competition to climb the bloody ladder of success and I love that short fuse of freedom that comes with this place.

Most importantly, i've finally found a place that ceases to 'expect' from me. It might be because no one knows me here or it might be because everyone has their own business to take care of. Whatever the case, for the first time in my life, I feel like i don't need to meet any expectations or disappoint myself for failing to meet these expectations.

Of course, i don expect this to last. I'm kinda sure sooner or later, expectations will come in but the thing is, the people here don't care about expectations.

Though impossible, Singapore should learn from here. I love that i'm no longer stuck in the rat race here. There's no need to impress, to account for or to compete. Of course politics still exsist, but problems are easier settled here because everyone's willing to take a piece of the humble pie.

I wish we had such opportunities in Singapore - that we have the luxury to choose between switching jobs every season ( without being gossipped behind your back ), making new friends and seeing the world.

But i do believe that such luck is coming to an end. Once someone stays too long at a place, people start having stigmas, believe systems and expectations and the whole journey would fall back to square one.

So, as much as i hate leaving here, I'm pretty sure i have to.

Leave, while the beauty's still there.

sidenote: i certainly miss singapore food.

Hahahaha.

It's funny how so many people ask me how i am in US,
when i'm STILL IN SINGAPORE!

We're leaving on the 13th,
each armed with hand sanitizer(s), wet tissues, thermometer and a million and one declaration forms.

Hope it'll be a good trip.
-keeping fingers crossed.-


Somewhere we went wrong,
We were once so strong.
Our love is like a song,
You can't forget it.

So tired.
So very tired.

i'm officially an easterner once again.(!)

not sure if i should be excited or not. Think i've been away from home too long.. Everyone seems a little different. Especially mother's expectations from me. Expectations, again.

Anyway, the days after the exams were really crazy. packed up all the way.. for all the wrong reasons. haha. There was 'ping pang yuan' marathon, camping in school till 11pm to print 9 stupid lonely pictures, yellow jello-ing, rebel-ing, shifting and MORE shifting.

Putting 'shifting out' aside, at the top of the list, i have Sims 2. All those times hearing xie talk about upgrading her comp so she can play the latest edition of Sims and catching her character making out, I've finally embarked on my own Sims journey.

But the PSP version seems a lil different from the computer ones. For starters, it felt more like GTA.. not quite the open ended kinda story i was expecting. And then, the story itself. There are like zombies, ghosts, robots, murder cases, monsters and a mind controlling freak in the story. WHAT HAPPENED TO STARTING A FAMILY? OR JUST HAVING STEAMY HOT SEX?! seeesh. hahaha. stilll, it's not that bad. and i have my eyes set on Sims Castaway next. muahaha.

Now that we have Sims all sorted out, I'm starting to spend more time with Linda Chung too. So hot i tell you, SO.HOT. :D

Things are basically at a standstill right now. I'm neither in America nor looking for a job - Basically just waiting for our flight confirmation. Mother's been all angsty about the Swine outbreak ( told you i've bloody jinxed! ) and we kinda dono what to feel towards it. Not going seems bad. But going's a lil worrying as well. It's kinda sad really, seeing how ah bert is already in China and pl and gang are flying to taiwan tomorrow.

dammit, i should be in Wyoming right now!

Not officially back home and already problems are emerging.

I really dread what is to come next.

My toothache's so bad,
I've been trying to eat porridge the whole day..
and i couldn't finish them.

And now, the pain is spreading to my nose, my eyes and my head.

You know how your body feels all weak and limpy when you have a fever?
My head's feeling like that now. Only that "Fever" is the upper right teeth/jaw/gum? And the "weak body" is everythingelse above the neck.

Maybe i could finally lose some weight this exam.

1 more day.

Final paper's in 3 days and no one can ever study fininsh for that. So to cut things short:

1) last 2 paper were crazy. IMPOSSIBLE to do.
2) I'm having a dilema:
3) Can't wait for exams to end.
4) But still savouring the moment.
5) I'm going to yellowstone.
6) Doesn't mean my luck has turned any better
7) Everyone of them will start work on the 14th but i start mine on the 15th.
8) Right eye keeps twitching.
9) Gonna miss the freedom that comes with hall
10) Really afraid of what's gonna come when i shift home - naggings, millions of calls/smses after 10pm, more " you're a girl, they are guys! " statements.
11) Linda Chung, I WAIT FOR YOU!

Totally the hard-work-don't-pay sem.

I will devour you in 7 days.

mon.tues.wed.thurs.fri.sat.sun.mon.wed.tue.fri.sat.thurs.mon.tues.mon. WHAT!

Days don't matter anymore.
Life is all notes! :(

just.tahan.two.more.weeks.

Stress galore!

Poink and I have offcially started camping over at macs already and the stress level just keeps surging. So, i'm gonna do what i do every exams - Rant.

We've been studying at macs since Year 1 Sem 2 but only became regulars last sem. And its been morphing into some kinda "home" for us. Most of the staff can recognise us already. Even the kuey chap auntie from kou fu remembers us! and because of that, we earned ourselves free pig ear (?) from her today.. haha.. even though we NEVER really touched it.

Anyway, that's besides the point. The point is, being the last sem and all, I'm really really afraid of dabao-ing (choy!) any subjects, especially since it's my cursed/jinxed/suay sem, and so it gets harder and harder to concentrate.

Sooo, i went to 'take-5' to losen myself up a lil and suddenly, the whole notion of fate or how everything is pre-destined struck me.

I've always been a staunch believer of fate/pre-destin-y? and i loved believing it. But i haven't been thinking much about it lately and all of a sudden, 'fate' feels like such a scary thing. The idea of having no control of your life is really a frightening thought. Does it simply mean that we're like dogs being leashed and dragged around by higher powers? That everything we work so hard for is futile? Because what's going to happen to us is written somewhere out there..

But then again, won't having full control of your life be equally as scary? Because on holy days, i've loved having a god to lay my faith on. What if this god was removed? Won't that be... weird?

So, IF a choice has to be made, would it be to have no control or full control of your own life?

What a weird thought. Wasted my 5 minutes.

Guess all these steamed from the fact that this sem has been one bad news after another. For those who still don't believe, i've got another to add to the collection:

The stupid photography non-examinable elective Poink and i took ( because we thought having no exams is good ) and have spent like MANY MANY MANY MANY MANY nights snapping unsatisfactory photos have been postponing its FINAL lesson ( which was supposed to be last week ) yet again. This time, it's set on the 24th - 2 days after my supposed graduation date BECAUSE its printer is not working and still cannot be fixed!

...

See, pre-destined/jinx/suay/cursed.

Hopefully these are all blessings in disguise and even if they are, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE leave me soon.

ok, bad english, non-coherent post done.

goodnight.

I've got my friends, they're always there.
And someone special that i know who really cares.
But late some nights, a voice cries through.
Reminding me there'll never be another you.

Confinement period has begun since wednesday.
But because it's the last sem, everything is worrying - if you understand while revising, you're afraid you'ld forget by exmas.

If you don't understand while revising, that's even worse than the previous case.

What's worst? In the final sem, understanding/not-understanding don matter anymore. Application is wayyy beyond that.

SIGHHH.

Please hlp me remember, pls hlp me remember, pls hlp me remember.. ohhmmm.

Yesterday, i had the sudden inspiration to blog about how i think i've officially ditched my "suay" sem on tuesday - fyp was over; gms was over; amercia is drawing near and confirmed. What's not to celebrate about?

How i wish i didn't fall aslp before i recorded that down.

Coz it seems like, suayness hasn't left me at all..
...
..
.
.
.


We got retrenched.

It sucks when you're zzzy, and you know you need the zzz to burn the midnight oil but you can't because one side of your nose refuses to breathe!

Was speeding down PIE today when i was still overwhelmed with anger, jealousy and that feeling of wanting to eradicate all bullies in this world. ( By bully, i don mean those Fat, stouty boys we always see on tv. )

Anyhow, it was a dangerous emotion to be in when you're driving. I got pissed with like every single car that cuts my lane without signalling or who were behaving like .. well, bullies. So everytime i see a car signalling into my lane, i'ld make sure i'ld speed up to prevent them from coming. And when they do still insist so, i'ld tailgate them till they have no choice but to change lanes again.

That was until when i reached like clementi or smth, when i suddenly had this flashback of last night's rendevouz with xie. Given her really good direction giving, i had to master how to change lane within split seconds and that wouldn't be possible had it not been for some nice drivers, like a particular white car that slowed down when he/she was like 3-4 cars behind when no other car was willing to let me pass.

And THEN, i realized i had morphed into a bully as well.

That white car is like, god i guess? The flashback came as a sign to remind me that there are good people in this world as well. Even though they only make up like 10% of the entire population, we still have to be fair to strangers in case they are one of the 10%

Am i holy or am i holy? Heh..
Please bare with my nonsense until i start feeling better.

Anyways, speaking of xie, we went for an unplanned trip AROUND singapore last night. And i started regretting today after realizing how close exams are. haha. Took some pics. Not sure if i'm ever going to be not-lazy enough to put it up but i'm sure i'll come around it eventually. :)

For now, it's back to jatropha.

goodnight.

A couple of days ago, i wanted to post a major long article, ranting on how frustrated i am with gms and how i can't understand why almost everyone i know says that it's the most meaningful subject they're ever had in uni.

I was never more sure on how much i cannot understand the business world. That was until after 2-3 days of stress and non-stop deciphering. By then, it was the middle of the week and i was getting pretty exasperated over not understanding why i can be so different from the rest of the "business ppl".

Then i remembered about the JC days where i used to hate chemistry and maths as much as now. ok, maybe not as much as, but still, it was bad enough for me not to pay a single bit of attention in class. Apart from the wonderful not-my-class's-maths-teacher ms seah and chemistry tuiton teacher, who was actually my snr, i was also saved by Jack Neo.

yes, the producer Jack Neo. More specifically, it was ' I-not-stupid'. Can't rem if that was my first time watching the show, or the many many-th times i've watched it but there was this segment where the wanton boy said that if he wanted to master his maths, he had to "love the subject, feel for the subject, etc". or smth like that.

And i stupidly mimickd him in jc2. Turned out that it wasn't that stupid after all.

soooo, i tried applying the very same logic to gms.

AND IT WORKED AGAIN!

instead of finding reasons to run away from researching and understanding what was discussed in class, i tried to face it, google it and find the fun in it ( mary poppin's theory ) and now, the world is not as flat as it used to seem.

although i'm not exactly an expert in the world of cross-border businesses, the subject itself seems to be much more fun and meaningful than before.

The problem, however, lies in my senseless reluctant/fear/stubborness to say a single word in class. It makes me feel like however much i'm trying to help/contribute for every project, my contribution's overlooked. The teacher will never know, i don't think even my own group notices. And it's the same everywhere.

That can't do, can it? The 'slow and steady' tortise doesn't win the race anymore. It's the 'fast and efficient' rabbit that does now. i seriously need to break out of my comfort zone.

but then there's the group. it's not like it's a bad group or smth. But i somehow feel that there are too many leaders in the group and that's probably part of the reason why i can't speak up. No one's listening anymore.

it's so bad that sometimes i feel that success is no longer measured by how much you know. it's more of how you are able to make people HEAR you.

and it's not only something that exists in proj groups. even at home, i'm surrounded by self-proclaimed leaders. People who force their opinions on others. People who see themselves as the most mighty and the others, ignorant.

Sometimes i blame mtt. had he not drill so deeply in us the whole concept of servant leadership, i'ld probably get used to how things works in uni/the working world. And because of this, it seems like only the gvsc ppl can understand why i'm so hung up on this.

can you see the mockary? by breaking us out of our comfort zones then, mtt has in fact created another set of comfort zone for us.

and this time, it's up to be to break out of it.

Oh no! AIG is closing down! and our WAT's insurance is under AIG. ohh noo.

Speaking of WAT, poink has finally retrieved my passport back for me and she herself has also gone through the visa interview already.. which means that.. unless there's a terrorist attack or natural disaster ( choy! ), after so many many procedures, our trip is 99.9999...9% confirmed!

But i'm not sure if i'm that excited or not. Maybe the whole waiting time killed off that initial excitement already, but the America just seems so, unreal. Aiya, but i'm probably just acting cool, i'm pretty sure the excitement will be back once exams ends, SINCE it's only 6 days away from the trip.

I'm finally stressing less over FYP already. Maybe because the deadline's extended or maybe becaue it's near completion but whichever the case, I'm starting to feel slightly more non-chalant over the whole thing.

What matters more now is GMS and this stupid fear of me talking in class. And i'm not talking about just mere quietness. In class, my mouth's like just sewed up. Even if i have things to say, i'ld just mumble them under my breath. I think most of them have yet to hear my voice at all throughout this 3 months. That's how bad. GEEZ.

Anyway, I gotta meet up with many people soon. But the insanely packed semester's is making this impossible. seriously. 5 day work week does not apply to uni STUDENTS. Sigh. But i really do want to spend some time with my friends before i fly off to America. Especially since these are the friends who stood by me throughout my painful uni days. Alright, not THAT painful, but it's still one of the worst experience i've had. I wonder if i'ld still feel this way after graduation.

Alright, time to zzz.

Goodnight.

i'm feeling really depressed over fyp.
most submitted their reports today.. and i'm still stuck with trying to come out with a decent one.

you know the term 'reconstructing the wheel' ? My fyp journey's exactly like that. We talk about the same things over and over again because things gets forgotten. Problems that were brought up a long long time ago were snubbed at and yet now, these are the serious problems that they are nagging at me to solve.

i wonder what happened to their arrogance when the issue was first brought up?

I really need my beer-ly fix. i can't cope with so many unfinished businesses. Really stressed, really scared. But i can't. because of fyp. tons of final year ntu students are out there celebrating, while i'm slaving here for god knows what grades.

And where are my teammates? Working at a pub tonight.

SERIOUSLY.

makes me wonder if there's a positive correaltion between being rich and being unbearable. see, too much fyp.

Is everyone in the working world going to be like this? It seems like those ard me, those working with me are slowly evolving this way. Am i supposed to face more of such selfish ppl as i move from one stage of life to another? The mere thought of it is giving me such a headache.

Been reflecting alot lately.
About how ppl are, about how i've evolved.
you know how life's about learning right? About picking things up as you go, about being a better person.
i don't feel myself doing any of it.

I see lotsa ppl having so much fun at uni. Lotsa ppl are finding themselves. But i'm doing just the opposite. I'm losing myself in this big big world.

There was one time where i used to think that the world is my oyster. Now i no longer do.
maybe it's my increasing lack of faith in god.
i used to think that things will fall into places eventually, that there's no need to worry that much. this notion has disappeared completely.
my distance with god seems to be getting further and further. I have that sudden need to be in control of my life and not taking things easily, with that unfailing faith. it's as if i've grown suspicious of my surroundings. that someone/smth out there is finding the opportunity to pounce on me. To take away everything that i've worked so hard for. Like they're watching me.

i don like being judged. i HATE being judged. but that's what the world is about. judging each other.

haven't i been judging too? all those complains and everything.

gasp!

i'm becoming...

one of them.

Spoonful Of Sugar.

In every job that must be done,
there is an element of fun.
You find that fun, and....
SNAP!
the job's a GAME!

life would've been so great..

If we were smart enough to NOT do SPSS.

Stupid.
Really really stupid.

Hate that i can't stop thinking.

Yet another man who killed himself in ntu.
There must be lotsa buzz going ard - asking why and is ntu really that pressuring? i hope the press learns about the dirty stuffs in ntu. but the press being sph.. ha. who am i kidding?

Why wouldn't ppl kill themselves?

what with the pathetic fyp mates they have, irresponsible fyp supervisor, crazily packed deadlines and the unfeeling marking scheme. oh wait, those are the reasons for ppl like me.


Honestly, i think that's the only way to wake them up. To spook them for the rest of their lives. I can't stand their irresponsibility any longer. it's like a dead-end, pointless fight.

NTU says that students who are stessed out can approach their supervisors for help.

But can they really?

FYP ( at least for business )doesn't do peer evaluation - not like it helps anyway - and it had a substatial percentage of marks going to the cohesiveness of the team. sooo, what it bascially means is that if we were to approach the tutor, we have 0 cohesiveness. it also means that free-riders are absolutely encouraged in FYP.

And what makes them think that supervisors are willing or have the ability to help?

Imagine having a supervisor who replies your updates claiming that he's too busy till end of april ( way after the submission date ) to check up on us.

And this reply came AFTER the whole stabbing incident. smart.

so can we really approach our supervisor for help? sometimes i really wish i could.

have it not been for my friends and neighbours, not for jasmine, and not for the thought of how my mum's gonna survive with the 2 rude, domineering and behave-like-they-are-kings sons, things may have gone very very wrong a long long time ago.

Ever since i came home for the (not quite) hols, i've been battling with countless debates in my head.

Questions like why i'm like that, why i have such friends, why i have such family, why do i feel this way, why it has to be like this, why can't i seem to feel like i've done my revisions, why isn't anybody seeing what i've put in, why are they comparing me, why am i feeling so pressured, why cant i think out of the box, why do i have these expectations on myself, why don i have these expectation on myself, why are they judging me.. why why whys.

My mind's like a sickening 3 year old child. It comes out with stumbling questions that i wouldn't know how to answer and if i could, more whys would surface.

i feel like a block of wood. Like i'm a walking zombie of sorts. I can't state my stand, i can't even stick to my stand because i know everyone expects me to stick to their stand. but sometimes, just sometimes, i need to do what i think is right.

FYP is totally driving me crazy right now. but it's not the workload. It's more of the lack of. i struggled so hard the past couple of weeks, only to see my teacher and my groupmates change their stand as and when they like. And it's odd how they can come up with such convincing arguments that counter their previous argument which they conveniently forgot. Feels like i've always been the fool.

i'm shocked at how they can not shamefully proclaim about their laziness and attempts at avoiding doing their work. i've resisted time and again to talk about things like this here, but this is getting too ridiculous.

And then there's pho220. Perhaps i really don have the makings of a photographer, but i still hope there are ppl who has the same sentiments as me. That it's diluting the whole purpose of photography.

I know i have to push my boundaries. I have to stop worrying and i have to just do it.

But i'm heading for a burn-out. People are telling me that exams still have a good 8 week from now. But i feel like it's only 3 weeks to it. i need to put my mind into perspective.

sigh.
it's on days like this that i think that i need to take up that offer to australia. Break out of my comfort zone. Learn to be independent. Learn to see that the world is more than my family. My family don't need me. I really should start focusing elsewhere.

i need a jog, a swim or something.

my dear fyp mates, please give me a hand.

This lack of faith by the family,
will one day lead to the demise of Yvonne Goh.

It's so hard to do fyp when, the people working with you doesn't pace in sync with you, the people grading you ALSO doesn't pace in sync with you and the people whose opinion you need might not pace in sync with you.

Actually, i don't really mind the hardwork. Makes me more on my feet, i feel. But, when this feeling gets mixed up with the thought that there is a high chance that your effort do not get duely rewarded BECAUSE IT'S NOT AN INDIVIDUAL PROJECT and a big portion of our marks are based on the prof's impression of you, I feel faint. What a dumb system.

Don't they knwo that in this world, everyone only thinks about only themselves? THEMSELVES.

one for all, all for one - no moreee.

3 more weeks.
Failure ist he mother of success.
I will NOT be beaten.
I will not be fazed by it all.

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids.

remember this?

THE bathroom incident.

Did a really dumb thing today..

There's a spider who's like a permanent resident in my shower room.
It's really quite harmless because when we bathe, it'll always go back to it's hiding place between some gap on the ceiling.

But he's getting bolder and bolder.
Today, he was crawling around and about the ceiling the whole time i was in there.

After a while, i got fed-up from having to check the ceiling every few minutes so i decided to splash water at it.

Stupidest move ever.

Not only did the water not hit my target, the ceiling and pipes started to drip water bit by bit! And who knows how long since the ceilings and pipes were last washed!

my goodness.

I ended up having to check the ceilings once every few seconds. -_-''


I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I want a normal family.

A dad who loves his wife.
The sons who doesn't hurt their mum.
A daughter(s) who doesn't hate her brothers.
And a mum who doesn't take her daughter as a substitute.

But noooooooooooo,

Remove that loving father.
Throw in an overbearing grandmother.


and VOILA!

I was researching for my 'local photographers' presentation last night when i realized that when you search in google images, everyone on facebook with the same/similar names will have their pictures found there. For example, when i typed in ' Ken Seet ' into the search bar, only 2 hits were of the FAMOUS ken seet's. The rest were just some other many people with similar names.

So, being the itchy-hand me, i typed in my own name in and out popped the thousand and one Yvonne Goh(s). I happily scanned through them, thinking of the various looks i could've carried when i stumbled upon one picture that totally cracked me up:



HAHAHAA!
I always knew that being roomies before, PL's name was in a way synonymous to mine. But for google to recognize this? hahahah... i guess our bond must be really really strong!

Anyhow, my picture really did appear. Only that it's all distorted and stuff ( all thanks to pl's then-warping craze. )So IF there is another Yvonne Goh who's as bo liao as me, she must be frightened. :D

On a different note, presentation on tuesday was like shit even though i didn't present. Not that the presenters were lousy. It's just that we were practically shooting targets for the entire class. By the end of the presentation, i felt like shit. and this is EVEN THOUGH i didn't present. Interestingly, the most torturous part of GMS is the Q&A sessions. And it's stupid because most people ask questions just to score with the teacher. We can't completely blame then though, because this is what is expected from NTU. Some culture.

Off to prepare for tml's presentation and the other million things to do.

Goodbye folks.

But before i go,
here are some of the many faces of yvonne goh. :)

Raymond Lam Prank Called Linda Chung (15/8/08)

Omg. love linda chung. This is really funny.

YASA, I HOPE YOU KNOW CANTONESE. if not, go learn. This is worth learning cantonese for!

Happy cny.

CNY this year was pretty mundane. It was like a usual family gathering only with a little more gambling.

Can you believe we only had FOUR ang baos? haha.. i know cny is not about ang baos and all but stillll, FOUR! FOUR! i knew my family in singapore was small. But FOUR! urgh. psp, no more.

Managed to use the 4 days to start and finish the entire set of moonlight resonance ( jia hao yue yuan ). Damn good. Almost everyone at home was chasing it too. It was like a mad family marathon kinda thing. haha.. but the ending was super good. Didn't feel like i wasted my time at all. In fact, i'm still you-tubing it. wahaha..

And also, i have a new pretty girl now! Linda Chung. wahaha.. i prefer to call her ding ding from forensic heroes. Quite hot. born in 1984 ( ie, only 3 years older! ) can speak english, cantonese and chinese. Live and is famous in hong kong. Not bad.
Still can't beat liv tyler's translucent skin and motherly love though, BUUT BUT BUT, who am i kidding? a hollywood star? I should be more realistic. A hk star should be about it.

heh.

I know i'm talking gibberish right now but that's the best way to illustrate my state of mind. Watching MR felt like it was a good escape to reality. I guess that's what tv shows does to you. It transports you into a new realm of life. I always thought what happens in tv shows will eventually take place in real life. And the truth is, the more i believed, the more it really happened. Even if it took 10-20 years, it happens. But somehow, even with things turning out exactly like tv shows and all, i still get dawned to the fact that tv shows will never be reality. Maybe because factual, uncontrollable complications always comes along the way, maybe because we tend to want a control over things, but whatever the case, tv shows will never be reality.

I'm having a real hard time dealing with expectations. With the expectations people have on me, with the expectations i THINK people have on me and with expectations people DON'T have on me and with the expectations i have on myself.

I forsake my friends for studies. I forsake my girlfriend for family. My family forsake me for themselves and my grades forsake me for smarter people. And so it becomes like this, I owe alot to my friends. I owe alot to poink. But no one owes me anything. WHY? Because i am expected to do this. The family may or may not expect me to put them first. But they very well do take it for granted. But, i expect myself to repay my mother, who wants to shower her boys with love because they have no fatherly love.

But she doesn't realize that since young, they had their motherly love. i didn't. all i had from her were slaps and " don get too close to that uncle/cousin/boy because he's a boy and you're a girl. " Yes, i had fatherly love. But that fatherly love left me while they STILL have their motherly love. Can't she/they see that the equation doesn't tally?

They have their brotherly love and uncle and auntie love. I don't have my sisterly love. Worst yet, when i was a kid, aged some 6-8 years old, my auntie saw me as the neice who wanted to seduce her husband. joke.

And there's my expectations of school. Expectations of the salary i should bring in. The distrust in me.

I wish so much that i can be an ostrich. But i can't. Because be at home or in projects, something is expected outta me. But no one knows what is expected. They just know they expect something. I just know i expect something too.

Expectations. Such a scary thing.

Goodnight.

5 days to cny.

7 days to unescapable reality.

It feels weird that when i don't do my work, i feel like i've let myself down but when i do my work, i feel like i've let everyonelse down.

My conscience bites me no matter if i'm in the right or in the wrong. That's like punishment in every way.

So,
what is there to do?

It's sunday night.
I stayed home once more.. thought i could accompany my mum tml. But i just remember about a possible fyp mtg.

We need that meeting. But i want to accompany mother. and i want accompany poink.

Even though i'm home now, i'm not helping mother with her housework.
Firstly, i don think she wants my help.
secondly, i need to catch up with some work.

So, what's the point of staying home?

But i feel bad leaving point alone in hall.
It's the 2nd week i've done that.
I'm such an ass.

such a helpless feeling.

Sometimes, i'm thankful for fender.
At least she'll make mother feel less lonely.

I'm not making any sense, am i?

Bye.

Matsuri.

Close your eyes.
Imagine you're at VCH and your school's Symphonic Band and Chinese Ochestra combining to play this.

Beautiful.

Since the Aussies left, I've been behaving weird.

Life seems surreal all of a sudden. There wasn't any motivation, any direction.

I miss wei wei.
Throughout her stay here, we've bonded.
And i've grown attached to her. So much to the extent of slight dependence.

We brewed tea together, every night.
We drank beer together.
We watched lame shows together.
We watched blues clues together.
We watched old disney movies together.
Pocahontas, Enchanted..

Except for poink, no one in the family would ever watch those shows with me.
Not even Janelle.
She watches gory movies these days!

When I felt distrusted or was seen as a worthless GIRL by the family,
I turned to wei.
And she seemed to understand it well.

It's like for once, i wasn't alone in the family.
SomeONE finally spoke to me.
I wasn't just another shadow in their puny world.
I was wei wei's cousin.
And while we laughed at the stupidity of some of the boys,
I've learnt that that's the only thing i can do with the stupid hierachy.
I could never win.
I can only laugh ( or whine ) it off.
I had someone to laugh with.

But wei had to leave.
Mum had to re-adjust to zzzing alone.
I had to re-adjust to let mum be alone.

The same past didn't seem the same anymore.
It became darker, lonelier.

Our family seemed to have both bonded and separated during this hosting period.
We hated each other more.
We quarrelled more.
We had those undercurrent thing even more.
But,
we also learnt how to accept each other more.
Learnt when to keep our comments to ourselves.
Learnt how to accept the other person as they are a little more.

And right after her departure,
it was bad news one after another.
subjects, timetable, and many others that i'm not at liberty to say.

So I shrunk.
Deep down below.
And i hate that feeling.

I became this panic freak.
I became paranoid, unsure, crazy!
I became this whole other person i've been trying to keep under wraps.
Maybe or maybe not on the outside.
But in the inside, i felt miserable.

I want to change.

I have to take control of my life once more.
I have to find back that confidence i've lost for years.
I've got to get back that faith.

Well it's about time i started doing something, isn't it?

Bad 2009?
But is 'bad' just a perception.
I must remember that things happens for a reason.
That I have the power to control my life, if i allow myself.

I need to make that change.
I've gotta be a better person.

But it's not going to be that easy.

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

-Matthew 6:25 and 26

i wish you could one day see how much i need my fatherly figure as well.

is it worth having a 5 day week for an easy paper?

Or should i make me have at least a 4 day week with an essay paper? Considering that i have enough s/u options to s/u all my electives?

Someone please advise me.

NEED.AN.ESCAPE.

It's not the holidays anymore.
MISERABLE, SPLIT LOYALTY, LEAVE ME ALONE!

if this continues, i really can't go on.

I want these feelings to evaporate!

GO!

Everyday you'd feel a little bit smaller.

Have you ever felt thorn between your mother and your girlfriend?

It sucks leaving for hall, feeling like i'm abandoning mother and leaving for home, feeling like i'm abandoning poink.

Should auld aquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind.
Should auld aquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear.
For auld lang syne.

We'll take a glass of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Happy new year. :)

Its been a long time since i felt like my heart's at one place while my body's at another.

I really wanted to go to that islamic home. :(

'Pocahontas' Finale

Que, Que, not to rush,
you will understand.

Listen with your heart,
you will understand.

With the new year comes new resolutions.

While I've never really been much of a come-up-with-new-year-resolutions kinda person ( i think ), as i start approaching adult-hood ( ahem. ) and working life,

I wish for a few things.

And amongst these,
I wish, the most, that i will have the guts to do what i want to do, say what i want to say, and step out of being another pawn in this dog-eat-dog world.


sigh.
I feel like i've wasted my hols. :(

off for a really dreaded week in melacca.

Bye folks.

Do you remember how our teachers in the secondary or primary school always say how we gotta take responsible actions to show your parents how much they can trust you?

It apparantly doesn't work in this family.

Because i have been doing just anything for HER to put that little bit of trust and faith in me.

But she's JUST TOO BIASED AND I CANNOT FUCKING STAND IT.

And it turns out that alvin too quarrelled with her and as such, she was so occupied in attempting to appease him that he didn't even notice how pissed she made me.

i'm going crazy here.

Thank you for understanding how trying this period is.

i swear there's workplace politics AT.MY.HOME.

urgh!

I really like the cold december air..

Why U So Like Dat?

Yes.
Why you so like that?

No meh?

Disclaimer: Dunst didn't have too many beautiful, decent, non- Mary-Jane pictures soooo, cropping had to be done.


God, they even wear the same clothes!



( Told you Dunst wasn't very pretty in erm.. less-suggestive clothes. )

Hallelujah

Hate China.

Bought OC season 1-4 but only 1 and 2 were good. 3 was jumbled. Johnny was alive one moment, dead in the next chapter and alive again in the following one.

Although, i may be lucky coz reviews have it that 3 and 4 were bad. Buttt.. it just seem like a must to finish watching the entire series no matter how bad it is. Now, i can't even watch how Merissa dies. :( Thank god for youtube.

Anyway, even though i prefer Rachel Bilson, i think Mischa Barton's quite hot sometimes. ALTHOUGH, she reminds me of Kirsten Dunst somehow.

So..

i tried to speak to mother again.
Tried to tell myself time and again that i was being too petty.

1st day - ok.
2nd day - ok.
3rd day - back to square one.

I realized today that i am still very much unhappy at her differential treatment and i don't think it's something that can be easily forgotten this time. Poink says it's because everything that was thrown to the back of my mind previously are now bursting with rage and i kinda agree.

Really don't know how i'm going to enjoy the Malacca trip.

need.rest.

When i read that drinking is bad, i gave up reading.

i've always loved the pre-christmas atmosphere.
Waking up to cold air, loud ps2 noises blaring downstairs and all the christmas songs on the radio.

But i loved them more last time, when i didn't have to burden myself with fyp and home wasn't so disgusting to be in.

sidenote: i still cannot bring myself to converse with mother. Ever since that incident, i find this home utterly disgusting.

You've seriously crossed the line this time, mother.

I don't think i can ever forget how ridiculous you were.

This is a fucking bad home and you know it yourself.

Hate my family culture.
Hate how it's affecting my life.

HATE HATE HATE!

Talk is cheap.

Lately, i've been having this weird feeling.

It's like...a bad feeling - a bad omen of sorts. Either that or my body's complaining that there's not enough rest. And if you think about it, it's sorta true..

Things have been like that since year 2 sem 2:

1) Studies
2) Exams
3) Holidays: PA + OCIP preparation ( no doubt one of the most tiring time. Can you believe stupid BOLE is still bugging me up till now? It's like.. one day i receive a msg from the boss, " i need 5 ppl next week. can find for me? " then i receive another sms from stupid ah pui, " i need a bazar store location. you can find one for me? " And when i ignore that sms, she texts me on msn asking me to do OTHER things. omg. I'm no longer your employee YA. )
4) OCIP trip
5) FOC
6) Start of new term
7) Exams


and now, FYP.

I need a break. Need a get away.

Sometimes i wish to find my way back to Pulau Aur. Away from people, from situations and from handphones. I will spend the entire day diving, resting by the seaside, sipping my hot hot teh-o, playing my sudoku before jumping back into the clear waters again.

Most importantly, there's no reception there. So i'm sparred from any obligations.

Of course, poink has the exception of being there with me. That's all i need.

Goodnight.

Here's my daily routine:

5pm : rise and shine.
5pm - 7pm : OC
7pm - 10pm : Dinner + channel 8 dramas (i'm a fan.)
10pm - 8 or 9am: OC
9am - 5pm : zzz

No sun, no fresh air.

so you see, I gotta finish up with OC before some adverse effects hits me.

And for the record,
I don't like Ryan (Benjamin Mckenzie) and Seth (Adam Brody).
Seth is ok at times. But ryan, no.

Summer's cool though.

I have one crazy, emotional family.

But i'm not going to wash our dirty linen in public.
So i'm just gonna end it with this:

I have one crazy, over-emotional family whom i still (maybe) love but can NEVER understand.

have you tried carlsberg?

Carlsberg's good.
Carlsberg's nice.
Carlsberg's smooooooth.

Simply wonderful.

It's 750am.

And i still don't wanna zzz..
Just because i cant stop watching OC.

Damn good.
Makes me wonder why I had to take so long to start watching it.

Too long.

i'm losing touch with reality.

I'm worrying about next sem's exams. :0

Nearer, my god, to thee;
nearer to thee.



To celebrate the end of my exams,
I decided to watch titanic ( much thanks to jon for sending me the movie alongside many many nice ones ).

Chessy as it may sound, it's really really good.

It's scary to think of what might happen if we were on that ship instead.
Not everyone could be so fortunate as to die whilst in the arms of your other half.
Look at the thousands who got separated when they were struggling for their lives.

What could possibly be in their minds?

Where's my mama?
Where's my family?
Are they alive?
or..

am i going to die?
How am i going to die?
Will i drown?
Freeze?
or hit my head on something?

Death.. is it a scary thing or not?

Sigh..

Its been a long time since i last stepped into church.
Mother's always saying how much we need a religion so there's like a belief system in times of need.
I agree with that.
But agreeing is one thing, doing is another.

Being a faithful servant requires alot of time and committment and while many people will disagree with me, I just can't seem the drive and motivation to put it as my priority.

Yes, it could be because of past encounters.
Yes, it could be because the religion had made me lose faith in it.
But.. it's still me.
Casting all reasons aside, I am still the main reason why i'm not there.

Laziness?
Maybe.

i guess i'm just not ready to put my religion as my top priority.
That doesn't mean i don't believe in god. I do, i guess. It's just a matter of prioritization.

Guess i should find the courage to step in there one more time.

Its high time i paid father a visit anyway.

Goodnight.

yet in my dreams I'd be ,
nearer, my God, to thee.
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer to thee.

-clears throat-

yay, the exams have ended.
















scratch that..

THEY'VE FINALLY FINALLY ENDED!

BRING OUT THE BOOZE... NOW!

the LAST push.

LASTTTTTTT!

dammit.

see what overconfidence does to you?

Now or never.

16, 16. 16 mins left..

Finally know how it feels like to go for exams without zzz or bath.

Stinky, sleepy, lousy.

if only i could sms god..

311 is like..

The world is round. But i see it as flat.
And i'm taught that it's round. But i still see it as flat.
Now i know that it's round. Still, i see it as flat.

2 days later, i have to tell people that it's round.
Even though i still see it as flat.

i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.

yes, yvonne. yes you can.

CAN DO SPIRIT, OOHM!

I think i need stress management. There's like this tendency to view things out of proportion wrt exams. sigh. WHY?

I guess everyone's feeling it. But everyone's handling it well..which makes me feel quite ashamed of myself.

Yea, i know the past few entries were kinda.. High? With a negative aura. And i'm quite sure that there'll be worst ones the next few days.

Really really can't wait for exams to end. I've got like a whole list of what to do, where to go etc etc.. but i realized it's looks the same every sem! which boils down to show that i only talk.

So, this time, i planned my list realistically. Seeing the nua-pok jas and i are, i decided to fill my list with majoritily movies - hk movies, ang moh movies, so many many movies. can't wait!

ok, so my whole point for coming here at 550am is to thank angela for trying to help calm me down today. thanks girl. :)

oh, and alex gave me a big big surprise yesterday. He popped out of no where at pioneer mall just to hand me a present..

which is...

A GYM BALL.

haha.. love it though. and appreciate the effort. :)

pls pray for me and all the GOOD ppl in uni, everyone..

pray...

I can't believe that i cannot finish studying and understanding and applying in time when i started studying from day 1.

This sem, i cannot blame my laziness.

Then, WHY?


WHY WHY WHY?

Let go and let god.

The prospects of my graduation seems dim.

And the stupidest of it all is that the cause of it points to... ELECTIVES.

It doesn't matter how hard you study.
If you're stupid, you're stupid.

CANNOT EVEN UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING CONCEPTS.

Falling is easy;
Climbing is hard.

Was studying at Pioneer mall's macs when i noticed this plus-size woman that wasn't exactly the best looking person in the place.

She looked sad.
and lonely.

She was seating alone at the 'sofa seat' for hours, attempting to knit something. It apparantly failed. She then sat there for the remaining hours, staring blankly into space.

What could be on her mind?

It was 1am, nearing 2 and i had been there since 1130pm. We entered at almost the same time. Yet as we were trying hard to master how genes are related to cancer, she was just.. there. Staring, knitting, thinking, eating.

I dono if it's lucky or sad for her. Lucky because she doesn't have to be stuck in this stupid rat race ( i assume ) or sad because she has nobody to walk with her. What i know is.. i don't like how it felt when i look at her.

I don't even know how to describe it. She looks like she needs help. But why won't my legs move?

I remember 2 years ago when i was set into some 'thinking mode' and i was like her, sitting at some stairway, staring into space. 2 Singaporeans walked pass. They didn't realize my presence. About an hour later, 2 angmohs walked past. One was happily talking to the other.. u know, the usual scene. The other was intently listening to him. They walked pass me too, clearly heading for a swim. But while the 'talker' wanted to just walk off, the 'listener' suddenly seemed deep in thought. After about 10 steps, he shaked his head, stopped the 'talker' and walked back to me and said, " hi there. Are you ok? Do you need to talk? "

While i felt pretty uncomfortable about the idea and declined his nice gesture, I found myself smiling ( after so many hours ) and feeling much better. See the power of just showing some kinda concern? Even if you're just a passerby.

Sometimes, when people are troubled, they need to talk about it. However, there are times when people don't want to talk about it because all they need, is some kinda concern from their fellow homosapians.

So why oh why did i not walk over to talk to that lady?


:(

On turning 21..

There's so many people i wanna thank that i think 1 post is not enough.
But i'm not really good at sharing such stuffs.. so i'm gonna (TRY TO) keep it short.

Thank you all sooooo much for all the gifts and celebrations and wonderful memories!
Thank you all sooooo much for all the calls and smses and PMs and facebook and friendster comments.
Most importantly, thank you all so much for remembering!

Yes yes, and to put it bimbo-ly, i feel loved. really.

Timbre 2 days ago was really fun! Most credit should go to the crowd who was there with me. It's a really nice feeling, seating there, making so much noise and laughing at how stupid we used to be. Really hope when we graduate, we'ld be able to meet up like that again, this time, everyone probably dressed in their formal wears( yuck ) and still bitch about ppl we don't like. Heh..

You know, over the years, i've done stupid things like disappear from every gatherings and everyone's life only to reappear out of no where and the thing which i thank my blessing for is that even with stupid antics and mistakes like that, i have friends who are still able to accept me and spend good times like this with me.

Thank you, everyone. :)

Oh..and special special credit goes to pl for calling me alllll the way frm china! 4rmb per minute is not cheap because we spoke for 27mins! and she hasn't even received her pay yet! haha..

Thank you, thank you, everyone. you all made my day. :)

sidenote: I really really really really really wanna watch HSM3. REALLY. :(