Confinement period has begun since wednesday.
But because it's the last sem, everything is worrying - if you understand while revising, you're afraid you'ld forget by exmas.

If you don't understand while revising, that's even worse than the previous case.

What's worst? In the final sem, understanding/not-understanding don matter anymore. Application is wayyy beyond that.

SIGHHH.

Please hlp me remember, pls hlp me remember, pls hlp me remember.. ohhmmm.

Yesterday, i had the sudden inspiration to blog about how i think i've officially ditched my "suay" sem on tuesday - fyp was over; gms was over; amercia is drawing near and confirmed. What's not to celebrate about?

How i wish i didn't fall aslp before i recorded that down.

Coz it seems like, suayness hasn't left me at all..
...
..
.
.
.


We got retrenched.

It sucks when you're zzzy, and you know you need the zzz to burn the midnight oil but you can't because one side of your nose refuses to breathe!

Was speeding down PIE today when i was still overwhelmed with anger, jealousy and that feeling of wanting to eradicate all bullies in this world. ( By bully, i don mean those Fat, stouty boys we always see on tv. )

Anyhow, it was a dangerous emotion to be in when you're driving. I got pissed with like every single car that cuts my lane without signalling or who were behaving like .. well, bullies. So everytime i see a car signalling into my lane, i'ld make sure i'ld speed up to prevent them from coming. And when they do still insist so, i'ld tailgate them till they have no choice but to change lanes again.

That was until when i reached like clementi or smth, when i suddenly had this flashback of last night's rendevouz with xie. Given her really good direction giving, i had to master how to change lane within split seconds and that wouldn't be possible had it not been for some nice drivers, like a particular white car that slowed down when he/she was like 3-4 cars behind when no other car was willing to let me pass.

And THEN, i realized i had morphed into a bully as well.

That white car is like, god i guess? The flashback came as a sign to remind me that there are good people in this world as well. Even though they only make up like 10% of the entire population, we still have to be fair to strangers in case they are one of the 10%

Am i holy or am i holy? Heh..
Please bare with my nonsense until i start feeling better.

Anyways, speaking of xie, we went for an unplanned trip AROUND singapore last night. And i started regretting today after realizing how close exams are. haha. Took some pics. Not sure if i'm ever going to be not-lazy enough to put it up but i'm sure i'll come around it eventually. :)

For now, it's back to jatropha.

goodnight.

A couple of days ago, i wanted to post a major long article, ranting on how frustrated i am with gms and how i can't understand why almost everyone i know says that it's the most meaningful subject they're ever had in uni.

I was never more sure on how much i cannot understand the business world. That was until after 2-3 days of stress and non-stop deciphering. By then, it was the middle of the week and i was getting pretty exasperated over not understanding why i can be so different from the rest of the "business ppl".

Then i remembered about the JC days where i used to hate chemistry and maths as much as now. ok, maybe not as much as, but still, it was bad enough for me not to pay a single bit of attention in class. Apart from the wonderful not-my-class's-maths-teacher ms seah and chemistry tuiton teacher, who was actually my snr, i was also saved by Jack Neo.

yes, the producer Jack Neo. More specifically, it was ' I-not-stupid'. Can't rem if that was my first time watching the show, or the many many-th times i've watched it but there was this segment where the wanton boy said that if he wanted to master his maths, he had to "love the subject, feel for the subject, etc". or smth like that.

And i stupidly mimickd him in jc2. Turned out that it wasn't that stupid after all.

soooo, i tried applying the very same logic to gms.

AND IT WORKED AGAIN!

instead of finding reasons to run away from researching and understanding what was discussed in class, i tried to face it, google it and find the fun in it ( mary poppin's theory ) and now, the world is not as flat as it used to seem.

although i'm not exactly an expert in the world of cross-border businesses, the subject itself seems to be much more fun and meaningful than before.

The problem, however, lies in my senseless reluctant/fear/stubborness to say a single word in class. It makes me feel like however much i'm trying to help/contribute for every project, my contribution's overlooked. The teacher will never know, i don't think even my own group notices. And it's the same everywhere.

That can't do, can it? The 'slow and steady' tortise doesn't win the race anymore. It's the 'fast and efficient' rabbit that does now. i seriously need to break out of my comfort zone.

but then there's the group. it's not like it's a bad group or smth. But i somehow feel that there are too many leaders in the group and that's probably part of the reason why i can't speak up. No one's listening anymore.

it's so bad that sometimes i feel that success is no longer measured by how much you know. it's more of how you are able to make people HEAR you.

and it's not only something that exists in proj groups. even at home, i'm surrounded by self-proclaimed leaders. People who force their opinions on others. People who see themselves as the most mighty and the others, ignorant.

Sometimes i blame mtt. had he not drill so deeply in us the whole concept of servant leadership, i'ld probably get used to how things works in uni/the working world. And because of this, it seems like only the gvsc ppl can understand why i'm so hung up on this.

can you see the mockary? by breaking us out of our comfort zones then, mtt has in fact created another set of comfort zone for us.

and this time, it's up to be to break out of it.

Oh no! AIG is closing down! and our WAT's insurance is under AIG. ohh noo.

Speaking of WAT, poink has finally retrieved my passport back for me and she herself has also gone through the visa interview already.. which means that.. unless there's a terrorist attack or natural disaster ( choy! ), after so many many procedures, our trip is 99.9999...9% confirmed!

But i'm not sure if i'm that excited or not. Maybe the whole waiting time killed off that initial excitement already, but the America just seems so, unreal. Aiya, but i'm probably just acting cool, i'm pretty sure the excitement will be back once exams ends, SINCE it's only 6 days away from the trip.

I'm finally stressing less over FYP already. Maybe because the deadline's extended or maybe becaue it's near completion but whichever the case, I'm starting to feel slightly more non-chalant over the whole thing.

What matters more now is GMS and this stupid fear of me talking in class. And i'm not talking about just mere quietness. In class, my mouth's like just sewed up. Even if i have things to say, i'ld just mumble them under my breath. I think most of them have yet to hear my voice at all throughout this 3 months. That's how bad. GEEZ.

Anyway, I gotta meet up with many people soon. But the insanely packed semester's is making this impossible. seriously. 5 day work week does not apply to uni STUDENTS. Sigh. But i really do want to spend some time with my friends before i fly off to America. Especially since these are the friends who stood by me throughout my painful uni days. Alright, not THAT painful, but it's still one of the worst experience i've had. I wonder if i'ld still feel this way after graduation.

Alright, time to zzz.

Goodnight.

i'm feeling really depressed over fyp.
most submitted their reports today.. and i'm still stuck with trying to come out with a decent one.

you know the term 'reconstructing the wheel' ? My fyp journey's exactly like that. We talk about the same things over and over again because things gets forgotten. Problems that were brought up a long long time ago were snubbed at and yet now, these are the serious problems that they are nagging at me to solve.

i wonder what happened to their arrogance when the issue was first brought up?

I really need my beer-ly fix. i can't cope with so many unfinished businesses. Really stressed, really scared. But i can't. because of fyp. tons of final year ntu students are out there celebrating, while i'm slaving here for god knows what grades.

And where are my teammates? Working at a pub tonight.

SERIOUSLY.

makes me wonder if there's a positive correaltion between being rich and being unbearable. see, too much fyp.

Is everyone in the working world going to be like this? It seems like those ard me, those working with me are slowly evolving this way. Am i supposed to face more of such selfish ppl as i move from one stage of life to another? The mere thought of it is giving me such a headache.

Been reflecting alot lately.
About how ppl are, about how i've evolved.
you know how life's about learning right? About picking things up as you go, about being a better person.
i don't feel myself doing any of it.

I see lotsa ppl having so much fun at uni. Lotsa ppl are finding themselves. But i'm doing just the opposite. I'm losing myself in this big big world.

There was one time where i used to think that the world is my oyster. Now i no longer do.
maybe it's my increasing lack of faith in god.
i used to think that things will fall into places eventually, that there's no need to worry that much. this notion has disappeared completely.
my distance with god seems to be getting further and further. I have that sudden need to be in control of my life and not taking things easily, with that unfailing faith. it's as if i've grown suspicious of my surroundings. that someone/smth out there is finding the opportunity to pounce on me. To take away everything that i've worked so hard for. Like they're watching me.

i don like being judged. i HATE being judged. but that's what the world is about. judging each other.

haven't i been judging too? all those complains and everything.

gasp!

i'm becoming...

one of them.

Spoonful Of Sugar.

In every job that must be done,
there is an element of fun.
You find that fun, and....
SNAP!
the job's a GAME!

life would've been so great..

If we were smart enough to NOT do SPSS.

Stupid.
Really really stupid.

Hate that i can't stop thinking.

Yet another man who killed himself in ntu.
There must be lotsa buzz going ard - asking why and is ntu really that pressuring? i hope the press learns about the dirty stuffs in ntu. but the press being sph.. ha. who am i kidding?

Why wouldn't ppl kill themselves?

what with the pathetic fyp mates they have, irresponsible fyp supervisor, crazily packed deadlines and the unfeeling marking scheme. oh wait, those are the reasons for ppl like me.


Honestly, i think that's the only way to wake them up. To spook them for the rest of their lives. I can't stand their irresponsibility any longer. it's like a dead-end, pointless fight.

NTU says that students who are stessed out can approach their supervisors for help.

But can they really?

FYP ( at least for business )doesn't do peer evaluation - not like it helps anyway - and it had a substatial percentage of marks going to the cohesiveness of the team. sooo, what it bascially means is that if we were to approach the tutor, we have 0 cohesiveness. it also means that free-riders are absolutely encouraged in FYP.

And what makes them think that supervisors are willing or have the ability to help?

Imagine having a supervisor who replies your updates claiming that he's too busy till end of april ( way after the submission date ) to check up on us.

And this reply came AFTER the whole stabbing incident. smart.

so can we really approach our supervisor for help? sometimes i really wish i could.

have it not been for my friends and neighbours, not for jasmine, and not for the thought of how my mum's gonna survive with the 2 rude, domineering and behave-like-they-are-kings sons, things may have gone very very wrong a long long time ago.

Ever since i came home for the (not quite) hols, i've been battling with countless debates in my head.

Questions like why i'm like that, why i have such friends, why i have such family, why do i feel this way, why it has to be like this, why can't i seem to feel like i've done my revisions, why isn't anybody seeing what i've put in, why are they comparing me, why am i feeling so pressured, why cant i think out of the box, why do i have these expectations on myself, why don i have these expectation on myself, why are they judging me.. why why whys.

My mind's like a sickening 3 year old child. It comes out with stumbling questions that i wouldn't know how to answer and if i could, more whys would surface.

i feel like a block of wood. Like i'm a walking zombie of sorts. I can't state my stand, i can't even stick to my stand because i know everyone expects me to stick to their stand. but sometimes, just sometimes, i need to do what i think is right.

FYP is totally driving me crazy right now. but it's not the workload. It's more of the lack of. i struggled so hard the past couple of weeks, only to see my teacher and my groupmates change their stand as and when they like. And it's odd how they can come up with such convincing arguments that counter their previous argument which they conveniently forgot. Feels like i've always been the fool.

i'm shocked at how they can not shamefully proclaim about their laziness and attempts at avoiding doing their work. i've resisted time and again to talk about things like this here, but this is getting too ridiculous.

And then there's pho220. Perhaps i really don have the makings of a photographer, but i still hope there are ppl who has the same sentiments as me. That it's diluting the whole purpose of photography.

I know i have to push my boundaries. I have to stop worrying and i have to just do it.

But i'm heading for a burn-out. People are telling me that exams still have a good 8 week from now. But i feel like it's only 3 weeks to it. i need to put my mind into perspective.

sigh.
it's on days like this that i think that i need to take up that offer to australia. Break out of my comfort zone. Learn to be independent. Learn to see that the world is more than my family. My family don't need me. I really should start focusing elsewhere.

i need a jog, a swim or something.

my dear fyp mates, please give me a hand.

This lack of faith by the family,
will one day lead to the demise of Yvonne Goh.

It's so hard to do fyp when, the people working with you doesn't pace in sync with you, the people grading you ALSO doesn't pace in sync with you and the people whose opinion you need might not pace in sync with you.

Actually, i don't really mind the hardwork. Makes me more on my feet, i feel. But, when this feeling gets mixed up with the thought that there is a high chance that your effort do not get duely rewarded BECAUSE IT'S NOT AN INDIVIDUAL PROJECT and a big portion of our marks are based on the prof's impression of you, I feel faint. What a dumb system.

Don't they knwo that in this world, everyone only thinks about only themselves? THEMSELVES.

one for all, all for one - no moreee.

3 more weeks.
Failure ist he mother of success.
I will NOT be beaten.
I will not be fazed by it all.

Honey, I Shrunk The Kids.

remember this?

THE bathroom incident.

Did a really dumb thing today..

There's a spider who's like a permanent resident in my shower room.
It's really quite harmless because when we bathe, it'll always go back to it's hiding place between some gap on the ceiling.

But he's getting bolder and bolder.
Today, he was crawling around and about the ceiling the whole time i was in there.

After a while, i got fed-up from having to check the ceiling every few minutes so i decided to splash water at it.

Stupidest move ever.

Not only did the water not hit my target, the ceiling and pipes started to drip water bit by bit! And who knows how long since the ceilings and pipes were last washed!

my goodness.

I ended up having to check the ceilings once every few seconds. -_-''


I don't know, where to go, what's the right team?
I want my own thing. So bad I'm gonna Scream!
I can't choose, so confused! What's it all mean?
I want my own dream. So bad I'm gonna Scream!

I want a normal family.

A dad who loves his wife.
The sons who doesn't hurt their mum.
A daughter(s) who doesn't hate her brothers.
And a mum who doesn't take her daughter as a substitute.

But noooooooooooo,

Remove that loving father.
Throw in an overbearing grandmother.


and VOILA!

I was researching for my 'local photographers' presentation last night when i realized that when you search in google images, everyone on facebook with the same/similar names will have their pictures found there. For example, when i typed in ' Ken Seet ' into the search bar, only 2 hits were of the FAMOUS ken seet's. The rest were just some other many people with similar names.

So, being the itchy-hand me, i typed in my own name in and out popped the thousand and one Yvonne Goh(s). I happily scanned through them, thinking of the various looks i could've carried when i stumbled upon one picture that totally cracked me up:



HAHAHAA!
I always knew that being roomies before, PL's name was in a way synonymous to mine. But for google to recognize this? hahahah... i guess our bond must be really really strong!

Anyhow, my picture really did appear. Only that it's all distorted and stuff ( all thanks to pl's then-warping craze. )So IF there is another Yvonne Goh who's as bo liao as me, she must be frightened. :D

On a different note, presentation on tuesday was like shit even though i didn't present. Not that the presenters were lousy. It's just that we were practically shooting targets for the entire class. By the end of the presentation, i felt like shit. and this is EVEN THOUGH i didn't present. Interestingly, the most torturous part of GMS is the Q&A sessions. And it's stupid because most people ask questions just to score with the teacher. We can't completely blame then though, because this is what is expected from NTU. Some culture.

Off to prepare for tml's presentation and the other million things to do.

Goodbye folks.

But before i go,
here are some of the many faces of yvonne goh. :)

Raymond Lam Prank Called Linda Chung (15/8/08)

Omg. love linda chung. This is really funny.

YASA, I HOPE YOU KNOW CANTONESE. if not, go learn. This is worth learning cantonese for!

Happy cny.

CNY this year was pretty mundane. It was like a usual family gathering only with a little more gambling.

Can you believe we only had FOUR ang baos? haha.. i know cny is not about ang baos and all but stillll, FOUR! FOUR! i knew my family in singapore was small. But FOUR! urgh. psp, no more.

Managed to use the 4 days to start and finish the entire set of moonlight resonance ( jia hao yue yuan ). Damn good. Almost everyone at home was chasing it too. It was like a mad family marathon kinda thing. haha.. but the ending was super good. Didn't feel like i wasted my time at all. In fact, i'm still you-tubing it. wahaha..

And also, i have a new pretty girl now! Linda Chung. wahaha.. i prefer to call her ding ding from forensic heroes. Quite hot. born in 1984 ( ie, only 3 years older! ) can speak english, cantonese and chinese. Live and is famous in hong kong. Not bad.
Still can't beat liv tyler's translucent skin and motherly love though, BUUT BUT BUT, who am i kidding? a hollywood star? I should be more realistic. A hk star should be about it.

heh.

I know i'm talking gibberish right now but that's the best way to illustrate my state of mind. Watching MR felt like it was a good escape to reality. I guess that's what tv shows does to you. It transports you into a new realm of life. I always thought what happens in tv shows will eventually take place in real life. And the truth is, the more i believed, the more it really happened. Even if it took 10-20 years, it happens. But somehow, even with things turning out exactly like tv shows and all, i still get dawned to the fact that tv shows will never be reality. Maybe because factual, uncontrollable complications always comes along the way, maybe because we tend to want a control over things, but whatever the case, tv shows will never be reality.

I'm having a real hard time dealing with expectations. With the expectations people have on me, with the expectations i THINK people have on me and with expectations people DON'T have on me and with the expectations i have on myself.

I forsake my friends for studies. I forsake my girlfriend for family. My family forsake me for themselves and my grades forsake me for smarter people. And so it becomes like this, I owe alot to my friends. I owe alot to poink. But no one owes me anything. WHY? Because i am expected to do this. The family may or may not expect me to put them first. But they very well do take it for granted. But, i expect myself to repay my mother, who wants to shower her boys with love because they have no fatherly love.

But she doesn't realize that since young, they had their motherly love. i didn't. all i had from her were slaps and " don get too close to that uncle/cousin/boy because he's a boy and you're a girl. " Yes, i had fatherly love. But that fatherly love left me while they STILL have their motherly love. Can't she/they see that the equation doesn't tally?

They have their brotherly love and uncle and auntie love. I don't have my sisterly love. Worst yet, when i was a kid, aged some 6-8 years old, my auntie saw me as the neice who wanted to seduce her husband. joke.

And there's my expectations of school. Expectations of the salary i should bring in. The distrust in me.

I wish so much that i can be an ostrich. But i can't. Because be at home or in projects, something is expected outta me. But no one knows what is expected. They just know they expect something. I just know i expect something too.

Expectations. Such a scary thing.

Goodnight.

5 days to cny.

7 days to unescapable reality.

It feels weird that when i don't do my work, i feel like i've let myself down but when i do my work, i feel like i've let everyonelse down.

My conscience bites me no matter if i'm in the right or in the wrong. That's like punishment in every way.

So,
what is there to do?

It's sunday night.
I stayed home once more.. thought i could accompany my mum tml. But i just remember about a possible fyp mtg.

We need that meeting. But i want to accompany mother. and i want accompany poink.

Even though i'm home now, i'm not helping mother with her housework.
Firstly, i don think she wants my help.
secondly, i need to catch up with some work.

So, what's the point of staying home?

But i feel bad leaving point alone in hall.
It's the 2nd week i've done that.
I'm such an ass.

such a helpless feeling.

Sometimes, i'm thankful for fender.
At least she'll make mother feel less lonely.

I'm not making any sense, am i?

Bye.

Matsuri.

Close your eyes.
Imagine you're at VCH and your school's Symphonic Band and Chinese Ochestra combining to play this.

Beautiful.

Since the Aussies left, I've been behaving weird.

Life seems surreal all of a sudden. There wasn't any motivation, any direction.

I miss wei wei.
Throughout her stay here, we've bonded.
And i've grown attached to her. So much to the extent of slight dependence.

We brewed tea together, every night.
We drank beer together.
We watched lame shows together.
We watched blues clues together.
We watched old disney movies together.
Pocahontas, Enchanted..

Except for poink, no one in the family would ever watch those shows with me.
Not even Janelle.
She watches gory movies these days!

When I felt distrusted or was seen as a worthless GIRL by the family,
I turned to wei.
And she seemed to understand it well.

It's like for once, i wasn't alone in the family.
SomeONE finally spoke to me.
I wasn't just another shadow in their puny world.
I was wei wei's cousin.
And while we laughed at the stupidity of some of the boys,
I've learnt that that's the only thing i can do with the stupid hierachy.
I could never win.
I can only laugh ( or whine ) it off.
I had someone to laugh with.

But wei had to leave.
Mum had to re-adjust to zzzing alone.
I had to re-adjust to let mum be alone.

The same past didn't seem the same anymore.
It became darker, lonelier.

Our family seemed to have both bonded and separated during this hosting period.
We hated each other more.
We quarrelled more.
We had those undercurrent thing even more.
But,
we also learnt how to accept each other more.
Learnt when to keep our comments to ourselves.
Learnt how to accept the other person as they are a little more.

And right after her departure,
it was bad news one after another.
subjects, timetable, and many others that i'm not at liberty to say.

So I shrunk.
Deep down below.
And i hate that feeling.

I became this panic freak.
I became paranoid, unsure, crazy!
I became this whole other person i've been trying to keep under wraps.
Maybe or maybe not on the outside.
But in the inside, i felt miserable.

I want to change.

I have to take control of my life once more.
I have to find back that confidence i've lost for years.
I've got to get back that faith.

Well it's about time i started doing something, isn't it?

Bad 2009?
But is 'bad' just a perception.
I must remember that things happens for a reason.
That I have the power to control my life, if i allow myself.

I need to make that change.
I've gotta be a better person.

But it's not going to be that easy.

25 “That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? 27 Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? 28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, 29 yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. 30 And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

-Matthew 6:25 and 26

i wish you could one day see how much i need my fatherly figure as well.

is it worth having a 5 day week for an easy paper?

Or should i make me have at least a 4 day week with an essay paper? Considering that i have enough s/u options to s/u all my electives?

Someone please advise me.

NEED.AN.ESCAPE.

It's not the holidays anymore.
MISERABLE, SPLIT LOYALTY, LEAVE ME ALONE!

if this continues, i really can't go on.

I want these feelings to evaporate!

GO!

Everyday you'd feel a little bit smaller.

Have you ever felt thorn between your mother and your girlfriend?

It sucks leaving for hall, feeling like i'm abandoning mother and leaving for home, feeling like i'm abandoning poink.

Should auld aquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind.
Should auld aquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne.

For auld lang syne, my dear.
For auld lang syne.

We'll take a glass of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

Happy new year. :)

Its been a long time since i felt like my heart's at one place while my body's at another.

I really wanted to go to that islamic home. :(

'Pocahontas' Finale

Que, Que, not to rush,
you will understand.

Listen with your heart,
you will understand.

With the new year comes new resolutions.

While I've never really been much of a come-up-with-new-year-resolutions kinda person ( i think ), as i start approaching adult-hood ( ahem. ) and working life,

I wish for a few things.

And amongst these,
I wish, the most, that i will have the guts to do what i want to do, say what i want to say, and step out of being another pawn in this dog-eat-dog world.


sigh.
I feel like i've wasted my hols. :(

off for a really dreaded week in melacca.

Bye folks.

Do you remember how our teachers in the secondary or primary school always say how we gotta take responsible actions to show your parents how much they can trust you?

It apparantly doesn't work in this family.

Because i have been doing just anything for HER to put that little bit of trust and faith in me.

But she's JUST TOO BIASED AND I CANNOT FUCKING STAND IT.

And it turns out that alvin too quarrelled with her and as such, she was so occupied in attempting to appease him that he didn't even notice how pissed she made me.

i'm going crazy here.

Thank you for understanding how trying this period is.

i swear there's workplace politics AT.MY.HOME.

urgh!

I really like the cold december air..

Why U So Like Dat?

Yes.
Why you so like that?

No meh?

Disclaimer: Dunst didn't have too many beautiful, decent, non- Mary-Jane pictures soooo, cropping had to be done.


God, they even wear the same clothes!



( Told you Dunst wasn't very pretty in erm.. less-suggestive clothes. )

Hallelujah

Hate China.

Bought OC season 1-4 but only 1 and 2 were good. 3 was jumbled. Johnny was alive one moment, dead in the next chapter and alive again in the following one.

Although, i may be lucky coz reviews have it that 3 and 4 were bad. Buttt.. it just seem like a must to finish watching the entire series no matter how bad it is. Now, i can't even watch how Merissa dies. :( Thank god for youtube.

Anyway, even though i prefer Rachel Bilson, i think Mischa Barton's quite hot sometimes. ALTHOUGH, she reminds me of Kirsten Dunst somehow.

So..

i tried to speak to mother again.
Tried to tell myself time and again that i was being too petty.

1st day - ok.
2nd day - ok.
3rd day - back to square one.

I realized today that i am still very much unhappy at her differential treatment and i don't think it's something that can be easily forgotten this time. Poink says it's because everything that was thrown to the back of my mind previously are now bursting with rage and i kinda agree.

Really don't know how i'm going to enjoy the Malacca trip.

need.rest.

When i read that drinking is bad, i gave up reading.

i've always loved the pre-christmas atmosphere.
Waking up to cold air, loud ps2 noises blaring downstairs and all the christmas songs on the radio.

But i loved them more last time, when i didn't have to burden myself with fyp and home wasn't so disgusting to be in.

sidenote: i still cannot bring myself to converse with mother. Ever since that incident, i find this home utterly disgusting.

You've seriously crossed the line this time, mother.

I don't think i can ever forget how ridiculous you were.

This is a fucking bad home and you know it yourself.

Hate my family culture.
Hate how it's affecting my life.

HATE HATE HATE!

Talk is cheap.

Lately, i've been having this weird feeling.

It's like...a bad feeling - a bad omen of sorts. Either that or my body's complaining that there's not enough rest. And if you think about it, it's sorta true..

Things have been like that since year 2 sem 2:

1) Studies
2) Exams
3) Holidays: PA + OCIP preparation ( no doubt one of the most tiring time. Can you believe stupid BOLE is still bugging me up till now? It's like.. one day i receive a msg from the boss, " i need 5 ppl next week. can find for me? " then i receive another sms from stupid ah pui, " i need a bazar store location. you can find one for me? " And when i ignore that sms, she texts me on msn asking me to do OTHER things. omg. I'm no longer your employee YA. )
4) OCIP trip
5) FOC
6) Start of new term
7) Exams


and now, FYP.

I need a break. Need a get away.

Sometimes i wish to find my way back to Pulau Aur. Away from people, from situations and from handphones. I will spend the entire day diving, resting by the seaside, sipping my hot hot teh-o, playing my sudoku before jumping back into the clear waters again.

Most importantly, there's no reception there. So i'm sparred from any obligations.

Of course, poink has the exception of being there with me. That's all i need.

Goodnight.

Here's my daily routine:

5pm : rise and shine.
5pm - 7pm : OC
7pm - 10pm : Dinner + channel 8 dramas (i'm a fan.)
10pm - 8 or 9am: OC
9am - 5pm : zzz

No sun, no fresh air.

so you see, I gotta finish up with OC before some adverse effects hits me.

And for the record,
I don't like Ryan (Benjamin Mckenzie) and Seth (Adam Brody).
Seth is ok at times. But ryan, no.

Summer's cool though.

I have one crazy, emotional family.

But i'm not going to wash our dirty linen in public.
So i'm just gonna end it with this:

I have one crazy, over-emotional family whom i still (maybe) love but can NEVER understand.

have you tried carlsberg?

Carlsberg's good.
Carlsberg's nice.
Carlsberg's smooooooth.

Simply wonderful.

It's 750am.

And i still don't wanna zzz..
Just because i cant stop watching OC.

Damn good.
Makes me wonder why I had to take so long to start watching it.

Too long.

i'm losing touch with reality.

I'm worrying about next sem's exams. :0

Nearer, my god, to thee;
nearer to thee.



To celebrate the end of my exams,
I decided to watch titanic ( much thanks to jon for sending me the movie alongside many many nice ones ).

Chessy as it may sound, it's really really good.

It's scary to think of what might happen if we were on that ship instead.
Not everyone could be so fortunate as to die whilst in the arms of your other half.
Look at the thousands who got separated when they were struggling for their lives.

What could possibly be in their minds?

Where's my mama?
Where's my family?
Are they alive?
or..

am i going to die?
How am i going to die?
Will i drown?
Freeze?
or hit my head on something?

Death.. is it a scary thing or not?

Sigh..

Its been a long time since i last stepped into church.
Mother's always saying how much we need a religion so there's like a belief system in times of need.
I agree with that.
But agreeing is one thing, doing is another.

Being a faithful servant requires alot of time and committment and while many people will disagree with me, I just can't seem the drive and motivation to put it as my priority.

Yes, it could be because of past encounters.
Yes, it could be because the religion had made me lose faith in it.
But.. it's still me.
Casting all reasons aside, I am still the main reason why i'm not there.

Laziness?
Maybe.

i guess i'm just not ready to put my religion as my top priority.
That doesn't mean i don't believe in god. I do, i guess. It's just a matter of prioritization.

Guess i should find the courage to step in there one more time.

Its high time i paid father a visit anyway.

Goodnight.

yet in my dreams I'd be ,
nearer, my God, to thee.
nearer, my God, to thee;
nearer to thee.

-clears throat-

yay, the exams have ended.
















scratch that..

THEY'VE FINALLY FINALLY ENDED!

BRING OUT THE BOOZE... NOW!

the LAST push.

LASTTTTTTT!

dammit.

see what overconfidence does to you?

Now or never.

16, 16. 16 mins left..

Finally know how it feels like to go for exams without zzz or bath.

Stinky, sleepy, lousy.

if only i could sms god..

311 is like..

The world is round. But i see it as flat.
And i'm taught that it's round. But i still see it as flat.
Now i know that it's round. Still, i see it as flat.

2 days later, i have to tell people that it's round.
Even though i still see it as flat.

i can do it.
i can do it.
i can do it.

yes, yvonne. yes you can.

CAN DO SPIRIT, OOHM!

I think i need stress management. There's like this tendency to view things out of proportion wrt exams. sigh. WHY?

I guess everyone's feeling it. But everyone's handling it well..which makes me feel quite ashamed of myself.

Yea, i know the past few entries were kinda.. High? With a negative aura. And i'm quite sure that there'll be worst ones the next few days.

Really really can't wait for exams to end. I've got like a whole list of what to do, where to go etc etc.. but i realized it's looks the same every sem! which boils down to show that i only talk.

So, this time, i planned my list realistically. Seeing the nua-pok jas and i are, i decided to fill my list with majoritily movies - hk movies, ang moh movies, so many many movies. can't wait!

ok, so my whole point for coming here at 550am is to thank angela for trying to help calm me down today. thanks girl. :)

oh, and alex gave me a big big surprise yesterday. He popped out of no where at pioneer mall just to hand me a present..

which is...

A GYM BALL.

haha.. love it though. and appreciate the effort. :)

pls pray for me and all the GOOD ppl in uni, everyone..

pray...

I can't believe that i cannot finish studying and understanding and applying in time when i started studying from day 1.

This sem, i cannot blame my laziness.

Then, WHY?


WHY WHY WHY?

Let go and let god.

The prospects of my graduation seems dim.

And the stupidest of it all is that the cause of it points to... ELECTIVES.

It doesn't matter how hard you study.
If you're stupid, you're stupid.

CANNOT EVEN UNDERSTAND THE FUCKING CONCEPTS.

Falling is easy;
Climbing is hard.

Was studying at Pioneer mall's macs when i noticed this plus-size woman that wasn't exactly the best looking person in the place.

She looked sad.
and lonely.

She was seating alone at the 'sofa seat' for hours, attempting to knit something. It apparantly failed. She then sat there for the remaining hours, staring blankly into space.

What could be on her mind?

It was 1am, nearing 2 and i had been there since 1130pm. We entered at almost the same time. Yet as we were trying hard to master how genes are related to cancer, she was just.. there. Staring, knitting, thinking, eating.

I dono if it's lucky or sad for her. Lucky because she doesn't have to be stuck in this stupid rat race ( i assume ) or sad because she has nobody to walk with her. What i know is.. i don't like how it felt when i look at her.

I don't even know how to describe it. She looks like she needs help. But why won't my legs move?

I remember 2 years ago when i was set into some 'thinking mode' and i was like her, sitting at some stairway, staring into space. 2 Singaporeans walked pass. They didn't realize my presence. About an hour later, 2 angmohs walked past. One was happily talking to the other.. u know, the usual scene. The other was intently listening to him. They walked pass me too, clearly heading for a swim. But while the 'talker' wanted to just walk off, the 'listener' suddenly seemed deep in thought. After about 10 steps, he shaked his head, stopped the 'talker' and walked back to me and said, " hi there. Are you ok? Do you need to talk? "

While i felt pretty uncomfortable about the idea and declined his nice gesture, I found myself smiling ( after so many hours ) and feeling much better. See the power of just showing some kinda concern? Even if you're just a passerby.

Sometimes, when people are troubled, they need to talk about it. However, there are times when people don't want to talk about it because all they need, is some kinda concern from their fellow homosapians.

So why oh why did i not walk over to talk to that lady?


:(

On turning 21..

There's so many people i wanna thank that i think 1 post is not enough.
But i'm not really good at sharing such stuffs.. so i'm gonna (TRY TO) keep it short.

Thank you all sooooo much for all the gifts and celebrations and wonderful memories!
Thank you all sooooo much for all the calls and smses and PMs and facebook and friendster comments.
Most importantly, thank you all so much for remembering!

Yes yes, and to put it bimbo-ly, i feel loved. really.

Timbre 2 days ago was really fun! Most credit should go to the crowd who was there with me. It's a really nice feeling, seating there, making so much noise and laughing at how stupid we used to be. Really hope when we graduate, we'ld be able to meet up like that again, this time, everyone probably dressed in their formal wears( yuck ) and still bitch about ppl we don't like. Heh..

You know, over the years, i've done stupid things like disappear from every gatherings and everyone's life only to reappear out of no where and the thing which i thank my blessing for is that even with stupid antics and mistakes like that, i have friends who are still able to accept me and spend good times like this with me.

Thank you, everyone. :)

Oh..and special special credit goes to pl for calling me alllll the way frm china! 4rmb per minute is not cheap because we spoke for 27mins! and she hasn't even received her pay yet! haha..

Thank you, thank you, everyone. you all made my day. :)

sidenote: I really really really really really wanna watch HSM3. REALLY. :(

The stress this sem is like sky high.
How did time pass by so fast?
I really can't wait to graduate and take some chill off time at America.

The worst thing about studying biz ( at least that's what i know ) in uni is that projects gets piled up at the end of the sem, quizzes keeps coming in and on top of that, we still need to find time to revise for our exams since we have NO study break. How the hell do they expect us to juggle?

And to top things up, those pesty, selfish project mates of ours takes all the one-slide-can-answer questions while they dump the bloody hard ones at us just so they can sneak some time to revise.

HOW IN THE WORLD AM I GOING TO COMPLETE SO MUCH TASKS IN 3 DAYS?! Can't you guys just use ur only-for-studies brain to think?!

Uni ppl are selfish. Uni ppl are selfish. Uni ppl are SELFISH! SELFISH SELFISH! SELFISH!

BYE!

i wish i can be split into 10 people.

filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity. filial peity.

sigh..

uni's tough.

and i'm tired. :(

Farewell assembly-math department.

Everyone's talking about this.

HAHAHAHA!

LOOK AT MR KWAN!

HAHAHAHA!

good watch, great watch, must watch!

Do i not always open my mouth to state what i want? Or do people just conveniently overlook it?

I don't understand why we can't have meetings on your free days while we have meetings on all of our free days.

Sigh.

I hate this feeling.

On a better note, we're going to america! It's the first time i am confirmed a trip 6 months in advanced! sooo excited. :)

It's back to one of those days where i hate staying home just because my mama's too goddamn biased.

I hate to think of how life after graduation would be knowing that i'ld have to see all of them ALL THE TIME. It's ok to see them individually, but when they are together, that's when I feel like having my own house, a whole new family and SISTERS.

I hate this place. BECAUSE ALL YOU SEE IS THEM. EVERYTHING'S THEIR CREDIT. NOTHING'S THEIR FAULT.

IF YOU ONLY HAVE EYES FOR THEM, THEN PLEASE GIVE THEM THE RESPONSIBILITY THEY NEED TO UNDERTAKE. PLEASE DON'T GIVE ME ALL THEIR SHIT WHILE YOU GIVE THEM ALL THE CREDIT.

I'M SICK OF BEING YOUR FUCKING SPARE TIRE.

I've got to move on and be who i am.
I just don't belong here, i hope you understand.
We might find our place in this world someday.
But at least for know,
i gotta go my own way.

When was the last time you dug up your hidden stash of letters and spend a couple of hours going through them one by one?

This weekend, i took at 10 mins glimpse at them.

Just 10 mins was enough to send me on a mental trip filled with laughters, tears and guilt.

Be it old birthday cards that were filled with sincerety or formality, old letters from your childhood panpals, little letters girls loved to write to one another or just a postcard from one of your friends when they were away on a holiday. Each and every of these holds a piece of memory.

Rummaging through them, i found an old, slightly brown postcard sent by yisi when she went for a holiday in australia during our sec sch days. It was such a nice feeling! But now, i don't even know where those days went anymore. ( miss you, yisi. )

Next, i opened another envelope. This time, it contained birthday wishes from 04s307. In it were the many scribblings from the entire class. There were scribblings by pei lin, awkwardly writing a, " hope we keep in contact after the As ". I bet at she didn't mean it then..we weren't even close! yet now, we skype one another and keep spaces for her when we meet without her.

Then there's ah bert who drew a birthday cake and warned me that it contained many lipids. Can't you even let a girl enjoy a guilt-free birthday?!

The longest one came from angela, thanking me for all the advices i've gave her.

Can you imagine? Me.. giving advices?! HAHAHA!

ah, how a person change.
Yvonne today has nothing constructive coming out of her mouth. After all, marketing's all about talking your way through..even if it were all rubbish.

sigh..Don't you just wish we were back to those days?

i'ld do anything to spend 1 more day in mj/gvss.

diarrehea. :(

The sound of music.

Monica dance.

...

..

.

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Still cranks me up all the time.

It's disgusting how i come up with so many ridiculous excuses for my lazy-ness the past couple of weeks.

I just can't seem to find the motivation to sit myself down at my desk, turn OFF my computer and concentrate on the book in front of me.

Can you believe it actually took me 3 days to finish writing 4 pages of notes?!

CRAZY.

You know i,
can't smiilllllleeeee without youuuuuuu. :)

HPAPY AINVERNRASY!!

GO TO HELL.

Oh no! Am i the only person that thinks that mama mia! wasn't thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat fantastic?

Summer kisses, Winter tears
That was what she gave to me
Never thought that I'd travel all alone
The trail of memories

OCIP's 08 has ended.

I dono how to describe how i feel. It's a cocktail of emotions.

On one hand, i really love this team. And if i search my conscience, i know it's clear because whatever decisions i've made, whether right or wrong, I did it for the well-being of the team. And i can say that out proud.

But i know as time passed, especially while preparing for the final visit to the home today, i felt really tired. I felt like everyone was beginning to have this expectation of me meeting their needs and i want to meet them all but i can't. And it was beginning to drain me a little.

But while i start listening to "summer kisses winter tears" - a song sang by a very friendly resident of the home today, I start realizing how much i miss the team.

The team's a good team.
They kept their promises.
They were always around.
I really can never ask for a better team. And i hope that everyone will stay as close as they are even after the end of ocip'08.

Dear teammates, thank you very much. Thank you very much for being those responsible people you are.

Ok, so today's trip to the old folks' home was quite.. a flop. haha.. The hall was so big! The folks were less responsive than those at china and most importantly, that had a damn cool karaoke set. So, most of the team ended up having a 'kbox session' there instead. But, that's what's so cool. Even though we did not meet our target of interacting purely with the folks, 1-2 of them actually started using the mix and singing impromptu duets! And that's where " summer kisses winter tears " comes in. They were damn cool.

But because i'm not a huge fan of singing in a mic, i had the opportunity to see some of the old folks eating etc. And when you really stand there and observe them, you'll start realizing how much these old folks have gone through only to end up like that. What could they be thinking when they were eating? are they feeling sad?

One woman loved to shake hands. She was one of the friendliest folk there despite not being able to talk to anyone of us. (think she lost her ability to speak.) But one of the regulars there was telling me about how her eyes sparkled if you look into them. So when i was there to shake her hand, for the 5th - 6th time after, i looked into her eyes, and realized that they really did carry a certain kind of emotion that we can never understand..

And it brought me to my grandma.

Does she know how lucky she is?
Why does she still have to make life so difficult for everyone? Could that be... her defence machanism?

sigh.

The fire of love, the fire of love
Can burn from afar
And nothing can light the dark of the night
Like a falling star

Blessed is he who is able to sleep without having to set any alarms.

Dear Mother,

I don't like it when you use every conversation we have to praise your sons.
I don't like it when i try to share with you my experiences and you bring up their names.
I don't like it when you try to bring them and the rest of this screwed family into the badminton games I have with ks, xie and sometimes you.
I don't like it when you say yes to them for everything they demand while I have to be placed on hold.
I don't like it when HE can bum around the house while you and I pick up his mess and still here you say, " he's a good boy. "
I don't like it when you tell me there's beef in kitchen and i have to eat it in the sly because grandmother will scold whereas you bring it out in the open when HE comes down to eat 5 mins later.
I don't like it when you're unappreciative of my efforts to reduce your stress and heartaches from grandmother and your sons.
I don't like it when you promise me something and break it while giving them what you promised me just because "they are guys".
I don't like it when you wanted to hang up the phone on me when i asked for the car last night while you readily said yes to HIM when he asked for the car for the SAME night.
I don't like that you treat them like kings and me their servants.
I don't like it when relatives he refused to greet just because " he said hi to them yesterday " come over and say bye to him with such glee in their eyes and never gave me a glance even though i was seating right in front of him.
I don't like it even more when they reach the door and suddenly remember that i was there and quickly turn over to say "yvonne bye"
I don't like that you're starting to behave like grandmother.

Dear Mother,

when will you ever open your eyes?


Love your one and only daughter,
Yvonne.

sidenote: fat, i dono why i always say i want to come home when this is what i always get.

Have you heard the story of the prodigal son?

My mum's a huge fan of it.

Hell, she even practices it!

Jin,

It's amazing how quickly you read my blog coz..

SJ JUST CALLED! THEY FOUND YOUR URN! WE'RE COMING JIN!

it's been 5 years yet ever so often, we find her name being brought up in our gatherings. We could be laughing at some of her silly antics, sighing over some of the possibilities, crinching at every thought of what she went through when it happened. Whatever it is, we can't stop thinking about her.

How she left was a waste and i guess even though the tears have subsided, deep in our hearts, we're still mourning. I don't think we even want to stop. We need this to remember her by and to remind ourselves that she could be there with us.

I wonder where you'll be now if you were still around.

It's really a very frustrating feeling, not knowing where to find you. We hate to entertain the thought of not being able to pay respects to you again. But there's nothing we can do except to hope that someday, your mama will open up to someone we know.

"niJ niJ naT", we miss you. We really do. We've all grown up in some ways or another.. have you grown up too?

I bet everyone's thinking about you today too..

Time-travel. =))

Sidenote: Much congrats to Mei Hui and Chee Wei for their success in running for the 15th JCRC.

Yet another one down.

Why do all the nice people get 'rewarded' with this?

Cancer is such a scary thing.

I have weird friends.

When my room was messy, they used to say,
" Wah.. Yvonne. You don't study ah? Your room so messy, how to study? "

Now that my room's been neat, they say,
" Wah.. Yvonne. You don't study ah? Table so neat. Study what? See Jasmine's table so messy, like that then got study. "

TSK!